lostspacestation
lost space station
there was never any answer that could satisfy them all
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how much for the @comet_twt on twitter (it links your tumblr!)
How much are you willing to exchange? lol
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Your URL is so dreamy, and it reminds me of camping trips I took as a kid, and how I felt so comfortable and connected to nature when me and my friends would go exploring the woods and trying to spot animals together. :)
Beautiful memories to have :)
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every epigraph in The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt
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youtube
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*watches a studio ghibli film* maybe… life is okay
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[TRANS] 171225 Leeteuk’s Instagram update: To Jonghyun, to himself, to everybody
@xxteukxx: ..Nobody can say that they knew you well, there will be no one that will be able to say that they were close with you and revealed everything with you, one’s person loneliness, anger, sadness.. There is no real way to express that (he means it is impossible to feel anyone else’s pain, not that no one was close with him!) If the final choice was made, what is being said to the people left, I think I will have to think about it a lot for the time being. My heart hurts more feeling apologetic that I couldn’t pull harder on the hand you reached out saying to hold onto it. It was too heavy of a weight to say it was endurable because you were a celebrity. To give up on one thing having come a long way, not being able to do this or that only hurts the heart even more. The day before sending you off, you came in my dream telling me Hyung you have to be even happier, that appearance of you laughing joyfully as you left is still fresh to my eyes. Everybody faces trials, pain and suffering; however, their impact is immeasurable and the emotions that one feels in their own situation will be the most difficult and hard to bear. I also went through severe depression, and in the thought that it would be better to die rather than to live and breathe, every single day was difficult. In the army, people would have just looked at me like that as if I was just putting on a show, those looks were even more hard for me. I went through close to one year of hard and difficult times. Since I have been through this experience, it would have been just a little bit better if there was just even the smallest of ways out… Maybe because it’s Christmas, I’m feeling the deepness of the word Christmas miracle, I can feel it is more important for us to live happier from now. I pray everybody always spends their every day as a special day just like on Christmas.
Trans by emzhaek
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I was missing Jonghyun so I opened my base album and now I’m crying even more
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I’m broken on the inside.
The depression that slowly gnawed away at me eventually devoured me.
I couldn’t overcome it.
I hated myself. I resolved to hold on to memories and shouted at myself to come to my senses, but there was no answer.
If there is no way to relieve stifling breath, it’s better to just stop.
I asked who can be responsible for me.
It’s only you.
I was utterly alone.
It’s easy to say you’re going to end things.
It’s hard to actually end things.
I lived with that difficulty this whole time.
You told me that I wanted to escape.
That’s right. I wanted to escape.
From me.
From you.
You asked who is over there. I said it was me. I said it was me again. And I said it was me again.
I asked why I keep forgetting my memories. You told me it was because of my personality. I see. I see that everything is my fault in the end.
I hoped that people would notice but nobody knew. You never met me so of course you would not know I was there.
You asked why I live. Just because. Just because. Everyone just lives just because.
If you ask why people die, they would probably say it’s because they’re exhausted.
I suffered and agonized about it. I never learned how to turn this pain into happiness.
Pain is just pain.
I tried to push myself past it.
Why? Why am I keeping myself from putting an end to it all?
I was told to search for the reason why it hurts.
I know all too well. I’m hurting because of me. It’s all my fault, because I was born this way.
Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear?
No. I didn’t do anything wrong.
When you told me in that calm voice that it’s because of my personality, I thought how easy it must be to be a doctor.
It’s almost fascinating, that it hurts this much. People that have it harder than me seem to get along just fine. People weaker than me get along just fine. But that must not be true. Among the people in this world, no one has it harder than me, and no one is weaker than me.
But I still tried to live.
I asked myself why I had to do so hundreds of times, and it was never for me. It was for you.
I wanted to do something for me.
Please stop telling me things you don’t understand.
You tell me to figure out why I’m having a hard time. I told you several times why. Am I not allowed to be this sad just for those reasons? Does it have to be more specific and dramatic? Do I need to have better reasons?
I already told you. Were you even listening? Things you can overcome don’t remain as scars.
I guess I was not meant to confront the world.
I guess I was not meant to lead a life in the public eye.
That’s why it was hard. Confronting the world, and being in the public eye. Why did I make those decisions. It’s ridiculous.
It’s great that I even made it this far.
What more can I say. Just tell me I did well.
Tell me I did well enough and that I went through a lot.
Even if you can’t smile while sending me off, don’t say it’s my fault.
You did well.
You really went through a lot.
Goodbye.
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난 속에서부터 고장났다.
천천히 날 갉아먹던 우울은 결국 날 집어삼켰고
난 그걸 이길 수 없었다.
나는 날 미워했다. 끊기는 기억을 붙들고 아무리 정신차리라고 소리쳐봐도 답은 없었다.
막히는 숨을 틔어줄 수 없다면 차라리 멈추는게 나아.
날 책임질 수 있는건 누구인지 물었다.
너뿐이야.
난 오롯이 혼자였다.
끝낸다는 말은 쉽다.
끝내기는 어렵다.
그 어려움에 여지껏 살았다.
도망치고 싶은거라 했다.
맞아. 난 도망치고 싶었어.
나에게서.
너에게서.
거기 누구냐고 물었다. 나라고 했다. 또 나라고 했다. 그리고 또 나라고했다.
왜 자꾸만 기억을 잃냐 했다. 성격 탓이란다. 그렇군요. 결국엔 다 내탓이군요.
눈치채주길 바랬지만 아무도 몰랐다. 날 만난적 없으니 내가 있는지도 모르는게 당연해.
왜 사느냐 물었다. 그냥. 그냥. 다들 그냥 산단다.
왜 죽으냐 물으면 지쳤다 하겠다.
시달리고 고민했다. 지겨운 통증들을 환희로 바꾸는 법은 배운 적도 없었다.
통증은 통증일 뿐이다.
그러지 말라고 날 다그쳤다.
왜요? 난 왜 내 마음대로 끝도 못맺게 해요?
왜 아픈지를 찾으라 했다.
너무 잘 알고있다. 난 나 때문에 아프다. 전부 다 내 탓이고 내가 못나서야.
선생님 이말이 듣고싶었나요?
아뇨. 난 잘못한게 없어요.
조근한 목소리로 내성격을 탓할때 의사 참 쉽다 생각했다.
왜 이렇게까지 아픈지 신기한 노릇이다. 나보다 힘든 사람들도 잘만 살던데. 나보다 약한 사람들도 잘만 살던데. 아닌가보다. 살아있는 사람 중에 나보다 힘든 사람은 없고 나보다 약한 사람은 없다.
그래도 살으라고 했다.
왜 그래야하는지 수백번 물어봐도 날위해서는 아니다. 널위해서다.
날 위하고 싶었다.
제발 모르는 소리 좀 하지 말아요.
왜 힘든지를 찾으라니. 몇번이나 얘기해 줬잖아. 왜 내가 힘든지. 그걸로는 이만큼 힘들면 안돼는거야? 더 구체적인 드라마가 있어야 하는거야? 좀 더 사연이 있었으면 하는 거야?
이미 이야기했잖아. 혹시 흘려들은 거 아니야? 이겨낼 수있는건 흉터로 남지 않아.
세상과 부딪히는 건 내 몫이 아니었나봐.
세상에 알려지는 건 내 삶이 아니었나봐.
다 그래서 힘든 거더라. 부딪혀서, 알려져서 힘들더라. 왜 그걸 택했을까. 웃긴 일이다.
지금껏 버티고 있었던게 용하지.
무슨 말을 더해. 그냥 수고했다고 해줘.
이만하면 잘했다고. 고생했다고 해줘.
웃지는 못하더라도 탓하며 보내진 말아줘.
수고했어.
정말 고생했어.
���녕.
#jonghyun#kim jonghyun#shinee#you did well#thank you#you worked hard#you really went through a lot#rip#rip jonghyun
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