Missing my idiot

When you think you’re back on track with the person you love but it’s not true. You’re not going back to the thing you were you won’t talk like you used to or stay up all night cause you just talk about nothing. And if that person knew how fckng much you miss him that still wouldn’t change a thing. Or at least you think it wouldn’t so you just rather pretend everything is fine and you don’t miss him. But you’d give anything for one more of those nights when you were up all night talking to you - the impossible thing. And you don’t know if he moved or not cause he was in love and thought you’re the one and you changed his thinking about love. But you were an idiot and thought choosing some else who is not even worth it would be better just cause that worthless person is closer. You were so fucking wrong if you have known you wouldn’t be misarable and wouldn’t have thoughts happy people don’t have. Should i just stop talking to him cause it’s not even talking just a few words every few weeks but still those few words cheer you up cause you see his name and you know he still wrote you even if it doesnt have meaning. Those few words mean the world. Even if he doesn’t say sweet hot wet dreams my .... or i can’t say sweet hot dreams my idiot. If he just knew how much i miss this.. how much i miss him. Maybe it would change things maybe not but even without seeing or actually talking to him he was still and is my first love.

Saddest part of your life is when you go out to not be so depressed and you end up regretting it cause you are just sitting there in silence while people are chatting around you and you cannot do anything about it so you rather drink and drink but it just gets worse and you end up on a bridge all alone thinking about life if its still worth to try or not but you are just a coward to do anything so you go home and sleep alone with your thoughts again.

Goodbye

When you are reading this, it’s already too late. You never thought i could do something like this, no one ever thought i could. No one knew i had problems - serious problems. Problems id never shared with anyone cause i couldn't i didn't know whats wrong either i just knew something was pulling me down deeper and deeper. I had my good days and good weeks but i always went back to that part of my life when i felt unwanted. I had so many nights thinking about cutting myself with a knife or razor but i couldnt i didnt have the courage. So i rather thought since i cant swim probably jumping off a bridge is the easiest i would just drawn. I remember once, years ago, i told mum i was thinking about suicide, she didnt believe me and kinda laughed and said dont make me laugh i know you couldnt do it. Well even if it took many years i could finally do it. Im free from all the pain no more tears no more suffer no more wondering if it would be better for me. It is better for me. It was the hardest decision of my life but taking away my life is far the best decision. It was because of anyone it was all because of me - myself. I couldnt love or like at least myself i hated all the fat all the failure all the sadness all the fears. And even though i had friends i still felt alone. I had a part in my life when i didnt feel alone and then bumm everything changed and i felt lonelier than ever and nothing could take it away. Not going out with friends spending time with family. I was lonely and i hated that feeling so much that i wanted it to go away and i couldnt find anything to make it go away. Cause once youre lonely you stay like that for the rest of your life.

No one believes me

I told everyone university is not for me that i do not want it, yet they still said 'oh you are a clever girl, it will be easy'.... And now here i am expelled from university cause i could not pass a subject 5 times... I have tried it 5 fckng times and still i failed so now i am out of school - no one believed me that this university is not for me. I told my mum i wanna kill myself - she did not believe me and said stop joking you would not do that - she did not take it seriously. I have read if i am suicidal reach out for help tell someone, i tried and failed, she did not believe me. When will she believe me, when it is already too late? I am not that stupid to joke with something like this yet she thought so. I do not know what to do, people cannot see i am not just failing at school but at life too and it is not that far to give up. Every day is a bad day and every day i am alone with my thoughts - this will not help me, though i called for help it did not matter cause it was a 'joke'. I hope it is a joke but i already know it is not and lost all hope.

Just one kick

When you're already in a shit mood and then an unknown person just 'kicks' you so you can feel even worse about yourself - thats what i needed today... An idiot stranger who thought bullying is funny just because he has some mental illness probably. And of course if i just hit him i get to be the one who is the bad one cause i hit and he just talked some shit about me but its not just some talking when you're at the edge of not killing yourself and people just cant understand this. And even if i tell anyone i don't wanna live or I'm gonna kill myself cause they think its a joke. But every joke has some truth in it and it got serious. But they think I'm not brave and strong enough to do it. That i wouldn't do anything cause I'm scared or something. But when they realize i wasn't joking, it'll be too late... Way too late to make things better and help me. I just can't get it why they don't think I'm serious that I'm in a so shit life that I'm willing to do it. And with everyday I'm closer to finally being able to say goodbye to the world.

Just don’t want it

You really know you’re close to losing everything when you just turn off your phone and break contact with the world. I’ve been wanting to turn my phone off for months and just not talk to anyone. I did and when i turned it back on, nothing happened. I told the truth in a shaded story that i just didn’t wanna talk or be online. But the people can’t see im doing it almost everyday by now. I get some messages from a friend but she can’t see i’m drowning... No one can see or know i’m losing myself and getting closer and closer to losing it all and ending everything. And i’m thinking of suicide every single day by now. I did it way back then but i got pulled out by someone even though he didn’t know i was in deep pain, depression and almost ended my life. And now i have no one who could do it, who could help me or do anything about it. Faking a smile is getting harder everyday, and i got to the point where i do not care about anything - losing my job or leaving university - who cares cause i do not. Sometimes i think it would be pretty easy to just start cutting myself but then i realise people would see it and would want to help me and i’m not sure i want them to help because they see i have cuts. If they helped me id want them to help because they can see without scars that i need help, that i fake my whole life everyday - smile even though i could cry and shout from the pain i have in me. I have left tiny hints for people that i’m in trouble but if they don’t care that much they can’t see it. And so far no one has seen that i’m at the edge of leaving everything behind me. It’d be so easy to help though. Just one message a day if i’m okay and make me feel someone really cares about me, and one hug. Hug is the number one thing for me - they can save the day if i get the hug from the right person. Just one hug could make everything better. Hug is like the cure for me. But i’ve already lost the hugs and they do nothing for me anymore...

You need a private talk? Just message me !:)

You need a private talk? Just message me !:)

You need a private talk? Just message me !:)

You need a private talk? Just message me !:)

You need a private talk? Just message me !:)

I dont wanna live anymore!?!!

From time to time ive always had some thoughts connected to suicide… And they always come back no matter what. I dont know how to get rid of them or even if i want to get rid of them. Sometimes, i see myself so hopeless that i dont think i should be living. Like okay i have a family - theyd be sad but would get over it with time, and i have a friend or some friends, honestly i dont know what my ‘friends’ would say. I dont know if they would even care, but it doesnt even matter. What matter is that the only thing that stopped me from it is that im scared that itd hurt. Cause i was thinking about jumping off a bridge so they wouldnt have to see me dead, and no need for funeral so they could save that money. And i cant swim so itd be pretty sure i die but till i get to the point where i basically drown i dont know seems itd hurt or something. The only death that wouldnt hurt is with pills but theres a chance there that i dont take enough pills or that they find me and save me - and i wouldnt want that. Once when i was this deep down i found a guy and he pulled me out of it with talking even though he didnt know i had this kind of problem, and now for about 1 year i dont have anyone who could pull me out from my deep thoughts. I know mum would crush and dont wanna do it to her but i dont see my life as a good life and whenever i try to change it i fail and get back to the same problems. I dont know what else i could do and im not sure i wanna do anything i just wanna end it all and cause no pain to my family…. But that's impossible. And this suicide thought just keeps getting stronger every single day and im not sure i can fight it forever and win against myself. Ive already tried taking more painkillers than its possible but nothing happened i wasnt even high on painkillers or whatever, nothing happened, and no one notices i need help that im that depressed that i need help… The only thing i want is to spare mum from the sadness, i dont care about anything else cause shes the only one who doesnt deserve to be sad because of me.

Still trying

The feeling when you go see your best friend and can’t talk and there’s an awkward silence cause you don’t know what to say? I pretty much know this feeling by now cause it happens almost every time we meet, we don’t really have anything to talk about. Or there’d be but i rather don’t talk about my shits with anyone but strangers. And that’s how i find people who listen and then bumm they’re already talking about a threesome, and normally people would talk about this with their best friend but i don’t cause i don’t share personal things with anyone just keep them to myself. And the weird thing about this threesome is that i’m thinking about it cause what would i lose? Nothing, and even if it was shit i’d have been in a threesome, i mean that can’t be shit, can it?  Oh and the best is that i wanted to do my best university semester and of course i couldn’t so i really have made my decision - i am not continuing this awful tiring useless idiot university, or at least not for now. 

Let’s try this

Well i have no idea how to start it and i'm not sure it's even a good idea for me. I have never written and i am not even a good writer but since i do not have many people to talk to (or i rather do not wanna talk about my problems with people) maybe it'll help.

I am a university student and i'm about to leave my whole life behind and move to New York without money or job or degree or anything. I am just way too fed up with my life not going well and being lonely that i think this change would help me. I try to find a full time job, save some money during the summer and then buying the ticket and leaving. I don't mind if it's hard cause life is hard anyway but i'm 100% sure i need a big change. I wouldn't even mind if i only had only a couch where i could sleep and a place where i could shower, i'd still go. And i would take almost any kind of job, i just want to change cause this life isn't working for me.

Do you know the feeling when you feel so useless that you'd just jump of a bridge and see how people react and see if i'm important to them. Cause i do, and suicide have come to my mind much more than it should have. Somehow i always came over it, or someone helped me. I've been pretty down 2-3 years ago and i started talking to people and i found a guy and he listened and cared and i ruined everything just because we weren't in the same country. And a guy at work started hitting on me and we became friends and i thought he'd be a better choice just because he's here. Turns out, it was my worst decision ever cause i pushed away the guy who cared about me and loved me. I didn't know what i was doing cause i was stupid. But i keep thinking about what would have happened if i didn't do anything. Would i have met him by now or would still just talk everyday. And honestly even if we just talked every day (by talk i mean writing) it'd still be better cause i miss him so much i can't tell. And i've tried getting back to him many times but he built up a wall and he's not willing to let it down. He writes every week once or twice but it's not the same. But i need him even if it's just one or two emails a week. And well he pulled me out once from my deep shit, and after i've technically lost him i'm back in that shit, deeper than ever.

I have one 'best friend' but when she has a boyfriend, i'm not really needed or important. And i could never tell her my problems cause i don't know how to or what to tell her. Then there's another friend - he's a gay guy - and he's mostly concerned about me when he's bored or has no money, and whenever we meet he wants me to get a guy finally after everything and have experience. So he's not really a good friend. Then comes my mother, we live together but lately i'm more stressed because of her. Like two weeks ago i was so in a bad mood and she pushed me further in the bad mood that i started smoking again and got 5 painkillers after one another in a row so i can just chill and do not care about anything. I have never been a bad mood that i wanted pills so i can forget the things but i did and i think about it everyday and keep thinking more and thinking about getting something better that could put me off my shit mood and just turn me off. I never thought i'd ever think pills could be a solution but now i think they can help and just turn me off and do not overthink anything and just enjoy life.

So as i've written down i really need a change like a new country change. New people and work and everything. Being around new people and moving to a new country is a big change but if that can't help nothing can. And if i could finally leave everything and everyone behind my mind would just let everything go and not be connected or concerned about things i shouldn't care about. I could do whatever, whenever i want and with whoever i want to.

So thats pretty much my fucked up life - thinking about suicide pretending to be happy and not showing the outside that i'm totally broken inside and need saving. I'm the only one who knows these thoughts and who knows all of my problems cause i barely tell anyone anything. I just share the casual things like my back hurts or i had a bad dream or things like that, but never my deepest thoughts or fears.

And i just need this to be written out of myself to see if it helps that i tell it with everyone but no one at the same time.