idfk

im im sad for no reason i should be studying chemistry i have physical chemistry left to complete tonight but i just…..cant do it its like…… ive been trying to complete it from 8 in the morning now its 10 in the night i just cant sounds like an excuse dosent it yeah, i feel lke that too but i just cant i take my pen up and just feel burnt out im being hit by random waves of sadness for reasons that im making in my head as we apeak im drowning in a self created pool of anxiety even though i can just study, and it wont be a reason to feel anxious about anymore im not sad im making myself sad its all excuses everything feels like an excuse i feel filthy for no reason i just i dont know im probably writting this just so that i can pass time and not study pathetic isnt it i know i feel it too im just sad for no reason i feel bad for a lot of shit a lot of random shit i feel bad for my parents, whom i told not to talk to me because im 'studying' i feel bad for i dont even know what to write in there its just its just an act im putting up so that i dont need to study but like im uh ……… i dont know i should get back to chemistry im fucked, i did this entire thing thrice over, but i still dont feel like ive done it even once maybe its just in my head? maybe but ………… i dont even know what to write anymore my brain cant make anymore excuses on the fly man man…….how i wish someone told me to just study and id just study how easy would that be wont it ……………….. i dont know i uh i dont know im gonna go back to chemistry i dodnt know i want to kill myself for no apparent reason i want to ride my bike at full speed down the empty roads at nighttime and crash somewhere and die die away in a blaze of glory huh its so easily said and im im i dont know i dont know what to write im just writing by now because i dont know what to write but im still wrtingn why am i writing anyways, i dont even use tumblr much, if at all, aymore thats a spelling error, i dont want to repair that there're probably many other typos up there ……………….. im just lazy yeah thats it im just lazy ive already completed this thing, i just need to revise yeah should i even post this why not fuck it not like someones gonna spend time n effort reading this bullshit im writting lmfao ill probably regret this later yeah who cares fuck everyone …………………………… im crying why the fuck this is pathetic …….what a great disgrace i am to the person that said guys dont cry man ive been crying alot pathetic isnt it who am i even asking …. …………. ………………………… im literally venting on a dead tumblr account page wow thats another level of brainfuckery ………………. there i go with the abuses again why did i start to abuse anymore……i looked down on those people acceptance huh lmfao who am i kidding people like me arent accepted anywhere we're the filth people avoid ………… yeah fuck this shit ill rather program a game or something atleast that shit fetches money

First Love

Oh, where do I start with this tale of ours? A chapter etched in memory, like shooting stars. From the days of old, when we first crossed paths, To the moment we met again, like fate's sweet laugh.

Grade 11, a year that marked our connection, But fragments of before, clouded recollection. You confessed a secret, a crush from afar, Since grade 7, a flame burning like a star.

In buses, we sat close, no empty seats in sight, You saved a place for me, making everything right. Cozy moments and friendship began to grow, Sharing stories of life, a bond we came to know.

I often wondered, why did you confide in me, Your fears and struggles, for all eyes to see? Did you not worry, I'd betray your trust, Reveal your secrets, and turn them to dust?

You claimed no friends would listen to your voice, Only I heard your tales, your pain, your choice. Yet, confusion arose when I saw you, carefree, Surrounded by friends, laughing merrily.

I dared to question, seeking clarity's light, Were those friendships genuine, shining so bright? You reassured me, shared with someone else too, A friend who knew everything, just like I knew.

Time passed swiftly, a year danced away, Our bond grew stronger, day after day. You named me your best friend, though I hesitated, For my circle was small, already dedicated.

A close-knit group, six hearts intertwined, You were not among them, love undefined. Even as we dated, that truth remained, Yet we carried on, the connection unstrained.

In December, an unexpected request arose, You asked me to date you, caught me off guard, I suppose. Thinking it a joke, I shook your hand in jest, Little did I know, you meant it with your heart's zest.

News spread like wildfire, both far and near, We shouted it aloud, our story loud and clear. I wanted to share, to amplify the fun we had, But you asked me to keep it close, like something mad.

We embarked on our journey, love in the air, Late-night chats and laughter, a tender affair. I began to feel for you, slowly but surely, Your flaws and insecurities made you more than worthy.

Yet, somewhere in the chaos, doubt started to creep, The meaning of love, a secret I couldn't keep. I didn't love you as deeply as you loved me, An imbalance so stark, it was hard to ignore, you see.

I tried to nurture love, to make it bloom, To match your affection, to escape impending doom. But reality struck, and I knew it was time, To admit the truth, the love I couldn't find.

So, I confided in a friend, who warned of our divide, I asked him to drop hints, to let truth coincide. You began to question, seeking love's validation, And with each passing day, my heart sank in hesitation.

Days turned to weeks, and the doubts grew strong, Until I couldn't bear it, the deceitful charade for long. I became the villain, the one who wished to part, Telling you that love had waned, breaking your fragile heart.

You cried, I vaguely remember the tears on your face, Now even that memory fades, leaving no trace. I gave you reasons to hate me, to despise my name, And it worked, as intended, fueling anger's flame.

For everyone you knew, I became the villainous one, A reputation tarnished, a battle seemingly won. But I didn't mind the judgments, the critical stares, For I was accustomed to them, weathering life's despairs.

I guided you toward anger, away from our past, Crafting toxicity, a facade meant to last. As I reflect upon this chapter, with mixed emotions through, I acknowledge the story of us, both me and you.

It was flawed, it was painful, and it had its despair, But it shaped who we are, teaching lessons rare. May we find solace in the memories we share, And grow from the ashes, knowing life is unfair.

Farewell, old flame, though I can't say I care, It's up to you to reach heavens or knock on the devil's lair. For it was a chapter in our lives, accumulating dust, Now closed, as we move on, in each other's trust.

Ropes

(uh....r18 stuff)

In a realm of passion's exploration,

Where desires entwine in sweet sensation,

Two souls embrace in softcore delight,

Bound by silk, blindfolded in the night.

Her body adorned with delicate ties,

Caressing her skin, a tantalizing surprise,

Bound wrists above, surrendering her power,

Her lover's touch, a gentle devour.

With tender strokes, a feather's grace,

Tracing contours, exploring every trace,

Her body quivers, anticipation grows,

As the blindfold heightens what she knows.

Whispers of longing, a symphony of sound,

His fingers, like a maestro, gently found,

Each soft caress, a spark to ignite,

Her senses aflame, her world alight.

His lips, a tease upon her exposed skin,

Trailing kisses, awakening desires within,

Exploring her curves, his hands roam free,

Unleashing passions, aching to be set free.

She arches, she moans, in sweet surrender,

Each touch, each sensation, rendering her tender,

In the dance of pleasure, they find their way,

Bound and blinded, in a game they play.

But amidst the intensity of this gentle tether,

Their love and trust interweave, strong as ever,

For softcore bondage, a delicate art,

A consensual journey where both hearts take part.

Unseen Watcher

I loved you more than anything in my old life When I was alive, I loved you with all my might But I always felt I wasn't good enough for you That I'd never be enough, no matter what I do

I couldn't see your love, I thought I was replaceable I believed that love was something unachievable So, I decided to be your guardian angel, to watch over you To see you being happy, to be there in every moment, too

I wanted to be with you forever, in every single moment To be a part of you, to be your angel, to be your complement But then, fate played its cruel joke, and I became an angel An icon of beauty to humans, but invisible and unable to be seen by you

I watched over you every moment, every day, every year, every decade And I cried with you when you grieved over me, feeling so helpless and afraid I thought I was a fool to think that I loved you more And I knew that I'd always be there, even though you couldn't see me anymore

Then one day, I saw you die for the first time, and I thought it was the end That I'd dissipate into nothingness, that I'd be lost and unable to transcend But fate had other plans, and I was reborn into another life Crowned with a new name, in another nation, and in another family's strife

As I watched this new child grow up, I realized that it was you Your face, your habits, your smile, your tears, and everything you do I was there, but you couldn't see me, feel me, or even remember me And as time passed, I saw you laughing, crying, falling in love, and falling apart, again and again

In my old life, I was confident that I was straight But that changed when you reincarnated as a boy, and I realized my fate I've never loved a girl more than I loved you, and I've never loved a boy more than I love you But now, I'm tired and scared, knowing what can happen to you

I don't want to see you break again, to see you cry again, to see you love again I don't want to see you smile ever again, to see you in pain or feel the strain It's my punishment to be with you forever, a promise of eternity But what a joke, when God is cruel and the devil isn't any better, you see

I tried becoming a fallen angel, but my fate was no different than it is now I'm tired, and I want to sleep, rest, and just somehow But I can't, because yesterday you died again, and today, I'm gazing at another beautiful baby I'm crying tears of sadness, and I'm filled with an overwhelming sense of pain and ennui

I'm tired of watching over you, but I can't leave you alone Because even in death and rebirth, I'm still your guardian angel, forever unknown So, I'll watch over you, my love, even though I'm tired and in pain And I'll be there with you, every step of the way, even though it drives me insane.

My True Self (WHOAMI sequel)

Through days, months, and years that pass, My thoughts still linger, "Who am I, alas?" The facade I don, seems so true, But who was I before this subdued view?

Am I a vicious and malevolent soul, Or a benevolent and kindly whole? The original, buried deep and inhumed, I struggle to retrieve, for it's entombed. For some, I'm an amicable persona, For others, I'm an irrational persona non grata, And yet, for some, I'm a venomous fiend, A chameleon of personalities, that no one's seen. And so, I sit and contemplate, If I'll ever escape this masquerade, And discover my true self, with no disdain, A journey long and hard, with no gain. As the night descends, and the stars appear, Doubts and fears become more severe, I question if I'll ever see, The person I was supposed to be. Perhaps one day, I'll relinquish this guise, And find my truth, with no disguise, A journey that's fraught with dispiritedness, But it's worth it, for my own happiness.

WHOAMI

Sometimes I think there's someone near, Not someone bad, someone dear. Just a friend who's always there, Watching me with gentle care.

I think they see and hear my thoughts, And so I try to act so well. A better version of myself, In hopes they'll like me, who I am. Days, months, years have passed me by, And still I wonder, "Who am I?" The person I act out, so true, But who was I, before this view? Am I the person I present, Or just a masquerade I don't represent? The original, buried deep, So far away, I cannot keep. And so I sit and ponder on, If I'll ever truly be gone, From this act, this charade so sad, And find my true self, so I'm glad. But as the night falls dark and still, And doubts and fears start to fulfill, I question if I'll ever see, The person I was meant to be.