What You Truly Seek...

Saturday, March 25th, 2023

My mind seemed to especially be running in circles this morning. As in, I was bombarded by random images and memories from my subconscious. I do realize that is is a sign of all that is stuck in my mind, all that must be replaced.

Proverbs 3

5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. 7 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil.

8 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

Father, I thank you that not only CAN you direct my paths, but you promise in your Word that You will.

Fearing you and departing from evil is that which will bring true wholeness to me. I thank you for the exhortations, both from your Holy Spirit, and from the men (and women) of God in my life, and whose works and words I read and hear.

1 Corinthians 13

11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

Father, I understand full well that a large part of embracing your love, of embracing that which you have for me means turning away from that which keeps me from growing up. The junk and allurements of the world that seek to blind me are nothing more than devices (literally and figuratively) to keep me from growing up spiritually and otherwise, to keep me from becoming that mature, strong man of God that refuses to compromise and give into the temptation to become complacent and give into idleness and frustration.

Lord, I know that I do NOT take You, I do not take eternity seriously enough! Give me the grace to rid myself of this careless attitude that I have towards following after and obeying you.

May I truly be able to say with all sincerity that I love You with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all my strength.

Mark 12

30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. 31And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

Tonight, and tomorrow, the Lord’s Day, keep me receptive, attentive, and willing to listen and obey that which I hear, and to know, 100%, what is Truth, and what is bondage. Thy will be done in me!

May You truly have Your way with me, and may I truly have your peace that passes all understanding, and have your joy, which is not determined by circumstances or mere emotions.

Thy will be done in me. No stubbornness, no excuses, no frustration, nothing between!

[Note: usage of old English isn't an exercise of piety to try to win God's favor, I just do it out of habit from reading it]

Tuesday, March 14, 2023 [Day 17]

So, this is going to much different from her onwards.

Father, I know that you understand this pain I’m feeling right now. And to be honest, this very well could be right on par with the most intense emotional pain and feelings of loneliness I’ve experienced ever in my entire life.

I honestly just want freedom, more than anything. Freedom from this roller coaster of mood swings and feelings of being directionless and alone, of feeling betrayed.

I want freedom from feeling like I don’t truly have a home...I don’t even remember what that word means anymore. My life has involved moving over, and over, and over, and falling out of touch with people left and right. And now, I think that the reason I feel possibly the greatest pain I’ve felt in a long time, is because even now, in this moment, when I have nothing to hide from anybody, most especially God, I STILL cannot see eye to eye with the one person who has been a major, pivotal part of my life ever since I was born. I have no excuses, and no false front to put up, and yet, things are the way they are.

Is this a small taste of what it felt like to be on that cross, alone, and in incredible physical and emotional pain, more than anybody will every have to face, ever? I truly believe that at least some of these times have to be endured and experienced before I can more fully understand and grasp that great sacrifice and trial that was endured by Jesus all those years ago.

“Seeing then that we have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our profession.

For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:14-16)

Now, more than ever, I see that need that I have...and I have no choice but to throw myself to his mercy, and see what He will do. That’s all there is for me at this point. The world would’ve only led me further and further away from who I was really meant to be, and would’ve darkened my heart even further, and made it all the harder to free myself from this web of lies I’ve been stuck in for so long.

I just hope and pray that I will finally see some resolution to all this confusion and pain, and live in my true purpose, 100%.

“There is no pit so deep, that God is not deeper still.”

-Corrie Ten Boom, Holocaust survivor, and author of The Hiding Place

The Truth is Out There...and it's Jesus Himself

Monday, March 13th, 2023 [Day 16] Turning Point

Phew...reality is, for a long time, I've been on a spiritual roller coaster of sorts, and I used my confusion about myself, and the world, to excuse running away from God over and over. And me going down the "self-improvement" route is just another way I've been trying to make myself think I'm doing something of value of my life, another way of me putting a band-aid on the pain that's been inside for so many months. Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if I reach a point where I'm making tons of money, and giving lots of it away, if people aren't made aware of what this life is really about before they die, then it isn't worth anything. My life has been a lie, and I'm done living a lie. The truth is...Jesus Himself. And the reason I'm saying this is because I 100% believe it, and I'm ready to stand on that. I'm done hiding behind a fake façade, trying to blend in with others, while I realize that me ignoring God and not telling others about what His Son did 2,000 years ago, dying on that cross, is just be spitting in His face. And I care too much to not say anything. Either way, I will be praying for whomever reads this, and I hope you sincerely consider what I have to say. The Bible itself says "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?" Which basically means, "What difference does it make if you gain everything you've ever wanted, but still die without spiritual hope and eternal security?"

And it also means that there is NOTHING, absolutely nothing that you can give in exchange for your soul, which will last forever.

My DMs are open for anyone who wants to talk about this further.

Do I feel completely "at peace" about everything? No...but I can go to sleep tonight realizing that I'm living the true reality from this day forward. There can only be one Truth, and if you get it wrong, you'll be paying for not only the rest of your life, but more importantly, when the "real life" (the "afterlife" as many cultures have called it, it's really the "eternal life", in one place or another) happens. Once you die, there's no second chance...so place take a moment to ponder over the brevity of your life. Maybe you won't die from some unicorn virus, so to speak, or an earthquake, or nuclear war, or whatever, but the fact is, you will die. Everyone faces "the end of the world", in one way or another. Please don't take it lightly. It's not about what you've done, or what you can do in your strength, it's about Him, what He's done, and how He enables you.

Still deciding what to do with my old posts. Until next time...

What's on the Pain Menu for Today?

Sunday, March 12, 2023 [Day 15]

So, how on earth am I supposed to feel right now? I now know that that “I don’t belong here, but I don’t belong there, either” (in regards to where I’m living, and where I was going to possibly be moving soon), but I feel so incredibly weird and mixed up inside. It’s almost as if everything “out there” makes me uncomfortable and retreat into myself. Church gatherings, being around other people...but...being alone, disconnected, and without a purpose and goal bigger than myself is just as bad.

So the next question is, what are you supposed to do when every single option in front of you feels like it could be the wrong one? And I genuinely mean, like I would be making a mistake that would lead to even more stumbling through life, and even more confusion and possible alienation from the people who used to be a bigger part of my life (aka former friends and family)?

I’m just getting really tired of the whole “out of sight, out of mind” thing when it comes to me and my connections with others. That is, when they don’t see me, then contact and connection falls off very quickly. And beyond that, I’m getting tired of feeling like I’m from a different planet than the people around me. It’s honestly been something that I’ve struggled with for years, and it seems that the more my ideas and ideals change, the stronger that feeling gets. I know I’ve basically already said this, but I want to..realize...no...I want to live yet again with a strong sense of community. Not isolation, not being sheltered from reality, but community. And what I mean by that is facing the world and struggles together, doing things together, without me having to lose myself and try to conform to somebody else’s ideals in a vain attempt to be part of something.

And now, here we are yet again. I have no idea where I’m going to be living a week from now, and I can’t seem to come up with any immediate solutions where I would have peace about it…

Again, sometimes you’ll have those moments in your life where doesn’t seem to be a right direction or answer, regardless. My brain is so incredibly tired and slow right now...toodaloo…

Iron Will, Tender Heart

Saturday, March 11th, 2023 [Day 14]

Holy Chicago. I don’t think it’s any exaggeration for whatever reason, me starting this challenge has coincided with some much-needed soul-searching and upheaval in my life, and decidedly, one of the craziest (if not the craziest) turning-points and moments in my life.

Now, before I go any further with this entry, I have to state that I allowed myself last night to stay up past midnight. And no, I’m choosing to not restart at Day 1. Why? Because of the reason I was awake that late (or early, rather). Part of the reason I started this challenge in the first place was to help me to re-focus on my goals and look inwardly more, and start expanding my horizons in terms of self-development and taking myself out of my comfort zone. So to restart the challenge would mean that what I did was counter-productive to the challenge, which it wasn’t. Part of my problem is being so afraid of “putting myself out there”, and being afraid of social interaction in general.

I was up later simply because I was on a “Discord watch party”, and part of that was having the option to have microphones on, which I did. Yes, I understand that to a degree that there’s far less pressure in that setting, because you’re not there in person with anybody, but it can still potentially be nerve-wracking to somebody who not only has been far too isolated (again, even before 2020), but who has a lot of work to do on their social skill, and their self-confidence. So no, I’m not “starting over”. Starting over would imply that I literally have to follow a rule of “no socialization past a certain time”, and to me that would be self-defeating, and not really practical, since at this point, I need what I can get, 100%.

But playing off of that, there are three things that I’ve noticed with myself, that may seem very simple to someone else, but to me, they’re quite a big deal. Firstly, just being silent and letting others talk is a must. Now, I have this weird dichotomy where I can go for long periods of time without talking, or even having the desire to do so. But when I feel more at ease in certain places or settings, that will probably cause me to talk more, and what’s more, talk more freely. Which brings me to my other two problems. One, I need to not over-compensate for feeling out of place by not saying random stuff out of nowhere in an effort to be funny or fit in (so, “get a feel for the room”), and secondly, once I say something, and just own it, over time I must accept that I don’t need to feel bad or awkward just because EVERYONE around me didn’t accept it the way I would like.

I would ideally like to strike that balance of being myself and not holding back not to just be a people-pleaser, but also not just speaking my mind without showing tactfulness and consideration for others.

The final piece is that when I am in social situations, it causes me to analyze myself and my belief systems more, and make me think about why I think the way I do, and about what kind of people I want to be around longer-term.

Phew...so ya see, this is still Day 14, and I rest my case.

The other thing I’m starting to really come to terms with is the fact that yet again, you cannot have all the next steps in place before you move forward. You can’t steer a car that isn’t in motion. No matter how hard you stare into that “fog of war” (Age of Empires 2, anyone?) it isn’t going to magically disappear. And no matter how many Google (*ahem* DuckDuckGo, screw Google, seriously) searches you do on “how to make money online”, “quickest way to make money online”, whatever, you’re seriously going to be missing the point. You first have to have your head in the right place, and secondly, you need at least one reliable, caring person on your side cheering you on and keeping you going.

And for me, the weird thing is, despite all these storm clouds that are increasingly gathering, because, let’s face it, 2023 is going to be the worse year yet since 2020, I’m feeling more optimistic. Because I’m beginning to see more “pieces of the puzzle” when it comes to being successful and taking advantage of the good times, and in this case, the horribly, wrongly bad times. And one of those is getting yourself around more people who think outside the box, who are where you want to be, and who won’t steer you away from the person you’re trying to become.

Been starting more of my days by just lying in bed “thinking aloud” to myself about what the next steps should be, asking myself questions about how the past week or day has gone, and what I should be doing to make the next step forward today.

Decisive. That’s the word that I want to characterize me in the next 3 to 6 months. No more messing around, no more waffling between “business ideas” and such. It’s just going to be about taking steps forward, even if I have NO flipping clue what the next 2 to 3 steps will be after that one. Wasting time worrying about 1,001 different outcomes is not a luxury I have right now! 1,001 Outcomes. Now there’s a book title. I should publish that. And literally all it would be is one page that says what I just said about not wasting time.

So, what does that mean exactly? Well, right now, it just means more of the same, but more focused. It means getting up in the morning to demo trade 3 days a week consistently. It means thinking more seriously about where I want to move, because that will mean thinking about what community I want to be integrated into. And then longer-term, getting into a business-buying mastermind, so that I have sustainable income that’s not dependent on day trading, so that I can keep the same amount (and more) money coming in consistently. And more importantly, build the life and world around me that I want to see.

Which leads me to the last and final thing I want to talk about. I’ve officially decided that while I most certainly don’t want to live in a neighborhood like the one where I currently am (houses super close to each other, neighbors sorta kinda socialize, streets are super narrow with nerve-wracking blind spots at corners and street intersections), I also do NOT want to be super isolated, with my nearest neighbor being like half a mile away or whatever. I’ve lived both, and neither appeal to me. No point in squirreling away resources and isolating myself so that I can “be safe” a bit longer, and just die alone. But also no point in living in a congested, stereotypical suburbia area where I have a tiny backyard and not much else. If I can find somewhere that somehow simultaneously manages to be more like the neighborhood I grew up in (everyone knew each other, kids played together outside and on the street, and in each-other’s yards, there was a real sense of community), but is somehow more connected with nature and living more independently, that would be a dream come true. That would be my ideal. So, if I so chose to have times of being more alone and working alone, I could, but I’d still have neighbors and friends nearby to talk to and help me if I needed them. I’m done with all my relationships and friendships being restricted to what they are right now (no offense to the amazing people I’ve connected with online, of course). I just know from personal experience that there is something so incredibly special about real human interaction. Nuts that we live in a time where I feel the need to say that, but there it is. And even many people who make their living as content creators (such as Mr. Beast, Ryan Trahan, and Graham Stephan) have said that “remote meetings” are no real replacement for what happens when people are actually in a room together. And I agree. It’s not rocket science, it’s just reality, and we can’t argue against that. And if anything, I would say that the right kind of content will foster a great wonder and curiosity about the world, and a greater desire to explore it, alongside other people.

Okay, I’ve said that I didn’t have a longer, more deep blog entry. There ya go lol. I think I’ve more than made up for that.

Eissac (DRVN challenger partner, and author of “From Rock Bottom” blog here on Tumblr) actually just asked me the very thing I was thinking about more: “Are there any creative projects that you’re working on now?” And again, time to stop thinking about what I don’t “have the time and energy to do right now in my current surroundings”, and just do something! Because at the end of the day, more creative work will help me pace myself with the more intellectual, “practical” work. So, I guess some video editing is in order for tomorrow. Awesome!

Until next time. Toodaloo…

^One of my most favorite soundtrack pieces, from one of my favorite "feel good" movies. I'm grinning ear to ear listening to it right now, it's so uplifting to me. I actually referenced this movie in one other place besides the entry title. You're a legend if you caught the reference. I think I may need to go back and re-watch it sometime soon.

The World is a Scary Place...You Can Handle It!

Friday, March 10th, 2023 [Day 13]

Still easing in to riding the bicycle. Don’t feel too keen on riding on these streets, even on the sidewalk. Too many blind spots at street intersections and driveways. Hopefully I can get over to the bike trail sometime soon. As it is, the nearest connection to it is just over a mile away, and that’s a mile with parts that don’t even have sidewalks for me to go on. Drivers are a bit delirious and crazy around here at times, so I’m so sure about venturing out that far, even if I was capable of it.

Spent a good amount of time today both with refining the trading plan, and watching more videos on trading. Another conclusion I’ve arrived at with that: less is more. I cannot approach it with a 9 to 5 mentality, and expect that the more I stare at the charts, the more I will make. Nope. It doesn’t work that way. It’s more like, there are certain days of the week, and certain times of those days that will work the best for me, and I will focus on them exclusively. Because there is one thing I keep hearing from other traders who are way ahead of me: the best traders trade less, and just stay consistent and disciplined. And an extension of that idea is that the most successful people are really good at a few things, or even just one. And not only that, but they get more and more selective within their own field of work or entrepreneurship (and life in general) about what deals they go after, what friendships and connections they choose to make, and circling back to what I was saying before, what’s really important to them. And that last one (what’s really important) helps drive their decision about all the other stuff in that list.

Inwardly, I’ve been trying to stop and catch myself when I do the “It’s been___months/years since I did this/saw this/talked to this person/this happened”, because I know that’s most likely coming from that negative “looking backwards” mentality. Because honestly, at this point in my life, basically freaking anybody in my position would agree I have more than enough discomfort and restlessness concerning my current position and circumstances to motivate me to change things ASAP without also unnecessarily (yet again) tapping into pain from the past. I don’t know why my brain insists on being so obsessed about dates and how much time has passed, or whatever, but it’s honestly getting very...old. Wow, our concept of time (whatever time is, we don’t really know), is so prevalent in the way we talk, isn’t it?

Especially after what took place yesterday, I’ve implemented a practice for when I go to sleep. No matter how tired I feel, I will at least feed my brain some positivty before going to sleep (espeically with my hyper-active, vivid dream creating brain) by at least just saying words with the positive feelings and future I want to have. So, let’s say I’m too tired to say something like, “Why am I so positive and enthusiastic about the future?”, or “Why are my thoughts and dreams so positive and pleasant [or peaceful], hopeful and happy?”, I’ll just say, “Happiness...Hope...Positivity...Peace...Prosperity...Healing...Hope...Creativity...Calm.” See what I’m doing there? It’s quite simple. I choose words that are easy to remember that are what I want my thoughts and dreams to be while I’m sleeping and in bed, and choosing pairs that are both synonyms and have the first letter. This makes it easy for my brain to remember them and chain them together.

Also been more seriously thinking about how ticked off I am about all the lies mainstream media is giving us, and how it’s been hurting folks, most especially children (hello “emergency use, experimental” gene therapy). And I’ve been wondering how do I do what I love, and make the impact I want, without “getting canceled”, basically. Like, it makes no sense to get all obsessed over fictional worlds and characters (or even real people who I look up to) and how heroes make a difference and stand up for the weak, and those who can’t speak for themselves, and just live life on the sidelines, collecting money and personal trophies, so to speak. Yet another thing I need to give more serious thought before too long.

Toodaloo...

No way but off a cliff...time to learn to fly.

Thursday, March 9th, 2023 [Day 12]

Discovered yet another shade of “combined intense emotion and psychological pain mixed with extreme internal confusion and conflict” today. And I have no flipping clue what to call it. But I’ve most certainly felt a version of it before, more than once, unfortunately. And those other two times also involved me internally locking up my words and heart further in a steel vault. These words noted here haven’t been altered in any way from what I would put in my “personal journal”. This is the only thing I know to say right now. I myself know what I mean when I say it, and I myself know the circumstances that have led me to say this, and right now, that is enough.

As of right now, my immediate future is still a huge question mark, in regards to my living situation (yuck, I hate putting it that way, but there isn’t a way around it).

I’m just going move right on to the gratitude stuff. I’m not on the street, I’m not in a jail cell. Okay, let’s stop it right there.

The more Nasdaq trading and training I do, the more it’s making more sense to me. I took a couple of trades this morning on a demo account, and it went well. It’s definitely a start. Much better than before when I would just sleep past the time I would otherwise be up doing that. New commitment: regardless of whether I not I actually enter trades, I’m going to get myself used to getting up around 8:30 AM on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday, unless I’m absolutely shot or sick. And even then, there’s just too much urgency involved to keep me in bed for long.

So, I’ve had this idea in the back of my head, but I think I’ll need Rachel’s help to make it happen, at least for now. There’s an airport nearby, but it’s not exactly within biking distance, at least so far as what I can realistically do right now. The point is, that airport holds a possible opportunity for me to “put myself out there”, and do something that scares me. It has a piano, you see. And for the longest time I’ve kinda thought about what it would be like to randomly start playing the piano in a public place, like what I’ve seen on some YouTube videos. Now, granted, I am far from being very skilled, but I think I need to get past that excuse, and just give it a shot.

I’ve also found out I would only have to go just over a mile to get to a bike trail, which is awesome. And I fully intend to take advantage of that, regardless of what happens to me within the next week. I need to get out of the house more, and get moving more, and of course me not being around will doubtless help keep the peace here. That being said, I believe that my attitude towards everyone here has drastically improved. I’ve gotten to the point where I just don’t give a rip about random stuff being left out in bad places, or random messed around the house, or even maybe the pets around here being a bit too vocal and needy for attention. I just want peace, that’s it. I’m not doing anything (or choosing to not do things) based on trying to placate people. I’m just done with this asinine, immature attitude I’ve had towards others simply because of there being some bad history between us. It’s just not worth it anymore. No matter how they may shun me, or act, I’m taking the higher ground and acting more like a civilized grown man, because at the end of the day, they’re family, and that’s reason enough to do that.

Thankfully, the cold and cloudy days are almost past us. And this time, they won’t just merely involve me “being outside” working on the deck, but it will also be me getting out in nature more, even if at first it’s just on my bicycle, or should I say, my sibling’s bike. Gotta end with this, and not for the last time, either. I’m thankful for them, like incredibly thankful for them. Where the flip would I be?

Whomever is reading this, if you’re also going through an “emotionally foggy” or stormy time, hang in there. It doesn’t always make sense right away. Just give it time.

Todaloo.

One Dream to Rule Them All...

Wednesday, March 8th, 2023 [Day 11]

Let’s just start with the gratitude. I’m grateful, yet again that I have a place to sleep, a roof over my head, and that I don’t have to think about going hungry. Beyond that, I’m grateful that things are starting to kinda make more sense with each passing day, versus me feeling more confused and lost in regards to my place in the world, and what I “want to be doing with myself”.

Sibling and I have agreed that flippin’ bot trading is shaky and uncertain at best, and the overall problem yet again, is not merely just me needing to “get gud” at trading, but me needing to overcome some basic hurdles first that will prepare me for the next step, and get me in a better place physically and emotionally. Bottom line, looks like we’re going to ditch trusting our financial stability to some lines of computer code (Every time we’ve gone down that road, the amount of “bot babysitting” and changing settings we’ve done to try to make some progress has been incredibly frustrating), and we frankly don’t have a whole lot to show for it. In other words, it’s not worth breaking up my attention like that instead of just mastering trading myself, and getting that skill under my belt, which will help me also regulate my emotions better. We’ve also discussed some simple safeguards we can use so that even if I have a losing streak, we wouldn’t lose our progress, and be back at square one, especially if I really want it support myself with the trading income. Even though this would require some self-discipline, it basically involves having a second trading account that we don’t touch unless we lose too much equity on the other one. That way we have a safety net of sorts if we need it.

As it is, I’m still struggling with the feelings of inadequacy and self-worth. My mother was talking with my niece on a video call, and then she put the phone in front of me, and asked me to talk to her for a few minutes and I backed away slowly and quietly said, “Uh...no, that’s okay. What would I talk about?” I felt cornered in that moment, and part of it may have been because I don’t think I feel awkward about where I am in life right now. And yes, it hurt like crazy, like a cold sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Part of me inwardly was scolding myself, and telling me that if I need to stop recoiling from interaction with family members (a similar thing has happened when she’s talking with my brother and his kids), and if I wanted to, I could’ve talked to her. It’s like my mind immediately goes to “how messed up my life is”, versus how I could’ve just talked about her. But in that moment, I was so scared of the conversation, because of how “weird and unusual” my life is right now. That however doesn’t change that I can’t choose indefinitely to be distant from people. It really does hurt knowing how little I’ve talked with my older siblings (and my nieces and nephews, some of whom I’ve yet to meet) and how at least some of that has been my own choice. In my mind it’s always been (whether I actively think that or not), “It’s better this way. They don’t need to have their lives made more complicated by their weird brother (or uncle) who doesn’t have his crap together. I am not a good role model to them. How do I explain to them how I’ve been immobilized, not just physically, but financially." I literally was unable to attend my own brother’s wedding several years ago because I couldn’t afford the trip (plus one of my parents was really upset about that, which didn’t help me), and then I wasn’t there for dear grandpa’s funeral because my siblings literally didn’t want to help me get to it.

Long and short of it, is that I’m tired of struggling to be a “normal adult”. It needs to change, for my own sake, and at least for the sake of those in my family who will still talk to me, and of course for the sake my sibling on the spectrum.

If I don’t choose to start taking control of my own existence, I’m always going to be feeling like I’m just living life on the sidelines, literally in the passenger seat of other people’s cars all the time, and on other people’s couches and guest beds. I’m sick and tired of this, and I choose to make it end as soon as I can.

And that starts with me consistently going to bed at a good hour, getting up at a good hour, and choosing to ignore and shut out distractions. A good day’s work starts with a good night, or as near to it as I can manage.

Tunnel vision is the key. Tunnel vision plus constantly reminding myself of the end goal, and that I’m strong enough and capable enough to reach it!

One step at a time is the key, but choosing to take that step instead of getting distracted from it is also part of that. Every little victory over distraction and procrastination will get me there. And yes, I do realize that getting over my fear of talking to others is part of this picture. I believe that I must choose ahead of time, visualize ahead of time, myself being completely secure and confident in myself no matter where I am, no matter who or what is around me, no matter who is talking to me. That is part of breaking and “re-coding” those negative feedback loops.

I hope this wasn’t too raw, or too depressing for that matter. Because I think that acknowledging my problems is half the struggle, so that I can then move forward with formulating solutions to overcome those problems. When I win, those around me win too.

My sibling and I have our sights on a dramatic and media arts event that’s coming up in the Summer that takes place each year near Letchworth Park in NY (beautiful countryside), and my sibling and I really would love to attend. It's in July, so who knows? It may happen. Granted, it will be expensive for the both of us to attend, but I went to one back in 2016 for an acting class, and it was one of the best experiences of my life, hands down. My sibling wants to do the film making part of it, but I'm not sure what I would do this time. They have all sorts of classes this time round: cooking, horticulture, timber framing, film and radio drama acting, stage acting, script writing, audio design. It's pretty nuts. They even had actor John Rhys-Davies there in person a couple of years back. You may remember him as Gimli from Lord of the Rings, or from Raiders of the Lost Ark. I just remember coming back from it, and thinking to myself, "If my life could be like this all the time [aka collaborating with other cool people on things I'm passionate about, while taking time to be in nature], I wouldn't care if I was as poor as a church mouse."

Their headquarters is a beautiful old church, and in that church they have an organ that they literally hollowed out and turned into a functional voiceover studio!

Yup, that's me. I look a bit different in this video. I was a bit more healthy and in shape at the time. Although it seems like my posture and jawline have gotten better since then. Yes, I notice these things lol. And yes, I was using crutches during that week. I had just had surgery on my left Achilles tendon, and was in a cast.

We shall see if this year after first being a student there 7 whole years ago, if I shall make a return...one day at a time...one victory at a time.

Till next time...toodaloo..

Do Empaths Dream of Happy Sheep?

Tuesday, March 7th, 2023 [Day 10]

More pieces falling into place mentally.

Firstly, I’ve decided that I’m not taking my phone out of airplane mode for any reason until I’m actually out of bed in the morning, and have done my morning exercises. My bed needs to be a place of rest and restoration, and I need to be reminding my brain of that.

Speaking of which, the “Magnesium dreams” didn’t seem as shocking as last night, which is good. They still feel weird, random, and frankly, unhelpful, if dreams are partly my brain trying to make sense of things and process them. Listen to me complaining about having unhelpful dreams lol.

But I still want them to partly make sense, I want to be able to use them to understand myself better, if anything. My dreams have certainty been more realistic, in their own weird way. Random text on things is actually legible, screens and devices work more like they would in my waking life, and the people who show up in my dreams talk and act more like real people.

I’m also having more of that phenomena where I compose music and hear it in real time in the space between being awake and asleep. If only there were a way to harness what I do in my dream time. Like, if I could somehow become better at skills because I did them while sleeping, and if I could somehow remember more of the fantastical things I experience and learn while I’m asleep.

I spent over an hour just lying in bed this morning contemplating the future, and what my next steps should be. There really isn’t any point in just launching myself willy nilly into the day if I don’t take the time to do this, and to remind myself why I need to keep going, to keep making steps forward. Then I'll just end up "running the clock down", and watching the day slip away from me, with no real overarching purpose. Seeing as the more I watch the instructional videos on day trading Nasdaq, the more things make sense for me, I don’t really see any reason to try to rebuild some sort of learning foundation anywhere else, at least for the time being.

Today I especially felt that urgency to be more in control of my own environment and decision-making. I believe that not only do I need to get more healthy before I can think about making more steps towards other work, I think that mentally, I need to get to the point where I’m living like a responsible adult. And that starts with the very simple steps of having my own roof over my head, and paying for my own expenses. That in itself will enable me not only to have a mindset shift to be more serious about being disciplined (like, "Oh crap, this is real now, I actually have to take care of myself, and have nobody to blame but myself"), but I’ll also be able to control my environment better, and make it more conducive to productivity, rest, and goal-reaching.

Heck, even that common part of adult life, that is, driving a car, is a scary hurdle for me. So again, before I can think about buying or running my own business (discounting day trading as one), I think I need to overcome some other mental hurdles as well. Which will put me in a better place mentally to be able to handle stuff like that. I mean, I can have lots of knowledge about things, but truly being able to have mastery over my own mind is the key.

I still severely struggle with worrying about displeasing other people in any way, shape, or form, and I inwardly freak out way too much if I think I may have “dong something wrong” or inadvertently maybe broke a rule or unspoken guidelines of conduct or manners.

Speaking of inward struggles, I also honestly believe now that part of the reason I get these mood swings specifically after sunset is due to what night has come to mean to me. I know this may sound super obvious at first, but it’s simply because it’s night now. The day is over, and I’m forced with this question, “What did today mean to me?” So, did my true self show up today? Am I really living like everything depends on me, even if there may others who are holding me up in some way, so to speak?" You see, this is the very problem with being dependent on others, versus working together with them to accomplish a goal, with your combined efforts. If they aren’t entirely on the “same page” as you, understanding your viewpoints, and what you’re doing (or not doing), then they may feel more pressure to change the situation for you.

Nah fam. Not for me. Not anymore. I’m ready to start shaping my own life, and get to the point where everything that should be “normal adult responsible” finally once and for all falls to me. Again, it will be only then that I can think about the next steps in increasing my net worth.

Okay, calling it a day very soon. Still with Captain Nemo and his Nautilus submarine, but I'm getting very close to the end of the story.

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea has joined my list of favorite books I've read for sure. I've found myself relating to each of the main characters in a way. The serious and mysterious Captain Nemo, the hot-headed and homesick Ned Land, the studious Professor Aronnax, and his faithful and often insightful servant Conseill. They each have traits and struggles I can relate to, even though they're in the midst of a crazy adventure. I'm for sure going to read another Jules Verne book.

My previous book was actually Jules Verne (Around the World in 80 Days), too. No joke, the ending of that one caught me off guard and brought me to tears. Again, very memorable and oftentimes heroic characters.

It honestly would be insanely awesome if somebody could make a radio drama or even a mini series that did these books justice. Sorry, the Disney adaptations don't count lol. I've seen that good story telling is still possible these days, and people do still care about it. The new Dune movie is one example. Has that "slow burn" feel, while still being a very engaging story (similar to Bladerunner 2049 in its use of slow buildup and amazing vistas). Then in radio drama we have "We're Alive" and "Derelict", both of which I could go on and on about. They both show a true love of good storytelling, and have characters that we can care about, and the missing ingredient so often these days (often replaced with selfishness and cynicism, even though these do have their place with good villains), heroism and selflessness.

Well, it is time to visit that world between worlds, the world of dreams and infinite, strange possibilities that is only reached through sleep. Until next time. Been listening to the Calming Classical Spotify playlist as I compose this. So many beautiful works in that playlist, like this one:

Sheesh that's gorgeous. Talk about dream-like music. Todaloo.

P.S: Kudos if you recognize the reference in today's title. And no, I actually haven't read the book that title is based on, although I'm familiar with the movie adaptations lol, much like with The Lord of the Rings. I believe that needs to change soon. I also think I should do an essay of sorts on at least some of the titles I've read recently. We shall see.

Drudgery is a great poison

Monday, March 6th, 2023 [Day 9]

Procrastination...it’s sneaking in. I think it’s because I’m allowing myself to get stuck in the “deer in the headlights” mindset.

I already talked with my sibling about realistically what I can do as the very next step moving forward. The number one thing right now is what is the most practical thing to get me “out from under other people’s feet”, and able to take care of myself. So, what does that mean?

Yes, I would like to do more with creating videos and content in general, but will that really get me where I want to be in 3 to 6 months? Odds are, no. Again, number one reason being that I have a mental and physical “redline” on me until I get significantly better.

So, does that mean trading? I have been watching more training videos, and it is really starting to make more sense.

And I keep hearing (from entrepreneurs, etc) “Don’t try to focus on multiple things, or they will all suffer from not doing as well.”

Here’s the thing, let’s say that somebody approached me and said, “If money wasn’t a problem, what would you be doing?”, I STILL am not sure what I would tell them.

It’s not so simple as, “Go play piano, compose music, record music, and so on, whenever I wanted to, stream music whenever, and build cool stuff.” Because somewhere in there nutrition and healthy living comes in. I’m kinda obsessed with those things at those point, and admittedly I’ve found myself reading articles and listening to podcasts about those things instead of studying trading.

And of course there’s good reason for my obsession, since I’ve seen the effects of not having a decent diet and not having enough movement.

Another thing I’ve heard from successful people (including two different 9-figure earners who came from nothing, namely Alex Hormozi and Tom Bilyieu), is “don’t chase the money. Find what you’re passionate about, so that you can put your heart and soul into it, and then the money will come.”

There’s just been this tick, so to speak, in the back of my mind, that “I need to make as much money as possible, so that I can do whatever I want with it to create the world I want to live in.” So, not just for myself, but for the things I find important.

So, is my place to simply do I what love, and use whatever influence I have to bring attention to what matters to me, or is it to learn sales, so that I can help bring attention to health and wellness in that way?

But I NEED to then circle back to the question I must be asking myself (and what you should be asking yourself), “Is this something I would be excited to do when waking up in the morning? Would it be something that would get me out of bed day after day?”

Again, I don’t exactly have the answers to these, but at least I know the right answers to ask.

Always asking, “What is the best and fastest [whatever that means] way to make an income” won’t steer you right, if what you’re doing makes you dread getting out of bed. And very importantly in my case, “Even if I’m alone doing this part of the time, will I still be able to enjoy life?” Because there’s honestly nothing worse than doing something just with the expectation to make money, but then feeling empty at the end of the day because you weren’t able to pursue things, or just spend that time doing things that you know are more meaningful and won’t make you feel regret further into the future.

Now, I’ve just realized that when I started journaling (again), it was partly with the intent to also take time for gratitude. Well, playing off what I was just talking about, I’m glad that I’m realizing that there is a thought process to “figuring life out”. Typical societal norms and such brainwashed me into chasing after money, and elusive “feelings”.

But if I’m totally, 100 percent honest with myself, the things (and times in my life) that have meant the most to me have been times about giving of myself, and investing in the things I care about.

If I look at what I’m most grateful for, it’s often directly connected to others giving gifts to me. Not just physical gifts (although those can have a lot of meaning to me, like some books I have), but gifts of time, encouragement, opportunities to work with them on different projects and jobs, etc.

At this moment in time, I am most definitely grateful that I have “a way forward”. Even if there is some amount of uncertainty on my part, I’m also grateful that I’m aware of the ways I can cope with change, and be less afraid of it.

One other thing I’m also grateful for: that I’m slowly making more steps towards healing and feeling better, instead of stumbling crazily (no pun intended lol) around.

Today, I got a spikey therapy ball to roll underneath my feet and along my peroneal nerve (the one next to my left tibia), to help stimulate, and hopefully encourage nerves to grow back some in my bad foot. That nerve is responsible for stabilizing your ankle, and enabling you to have normal “foot liftoff” each time you take a step. And it also happens to be the one that was majorly damaged when I was rear-ended on my bicycle, and my left tibia was broken.

Then of course, we have the Magnesium Glycinate I’ve been taken. Yo, there’s the “normal weird dreams”, and then there’s the “Magnesium-level” weird dreams. There’s no way to really explain it until you start taking a good Magnesium supplement yourself.

I’m especially sensitive to...basically everything, so even this 400mg dosage seems to be doing quite a bit, to say the least. But...my middle of the night leg cramps have gone away, which is awesome. Have had those for a flippin long time. And I'm definitely staying asleep way easier than before.

Lastly, I’m superbly thankful for the music, and the musicians I know through Twitch. In particular, I’m thinking of Kara Comparetto. I’m listening to her play live right now, and each time I pop into one of her streams, it’s like a healing salve to my mind.

Until next time. Todaloo…

^One of my favorite arrangements by her. She's also just finished releasing her own arrangements of the entirety of the Chrono Trigger soundtrack, and she's slowly releasing all of them with it's own music video on her channel. She has some super talented people doing camera work and editing for her for sure!

Knowing What's Broken is Half the Battle

Sunday, March 5th, 2023 [Day 8]

Yet again, no super profound wisdom or poetic passages for today. Just me saying that I'm doing more research into what is going wrong with me physically, mentally, and emotionally. And specifically today, realizing that a lot of my issues are arising from not only me being not able to move and walk very much, but because my diet leaves a lot to be desired. It could very well be that once I get more animal products in diet, namely good meat, I will start getting that weight back (I've lost so much weight in the last year, probably the skinniest I've been since like my "mid-teen" years).

Not sure exactly what the next steps forward are in that regard. Do I just eat sub-par meat until we can afford the better stuff (or till I can, I should say?) I'm honestly not sure.

But yet again, I'm realizing just how much the standard American diet and typical advice are straight up garbage. We need more protein and good fats, and waaaaay less carbs in our diet. I've seen firsthand that rice, beans, and sweet potatoes don't sit too well with me, so clearly the whole "eat your veggies" nonsense can't be the answer.

Anyways, off to bed. Hopefully yet again, this is of value, despite it being short. Todaloo.

Existence Can Be Pain...

Saturday, March 4th, 2023 [Day 8]

Incredible emotional pain today, yet again. Don’t know how much of it is how crap my stomach felt, because, again, gut health is very much connected with one’s mental and emotional state.

It just like on overcast winter days it’s been a one-two gut punch of regret over the past, plus extreme winter blues. I believe also that I’m more keenly feeling like I’m trapped in my own body.

I don’t know man. I do realize that I need to get out in nature more, and move my body more, because I’m seeing to an increasingly greater degree how important that is, both from personal experience, and because I’m hearing it over and over again in connection with improved mood, improved sleep, improved everything, basically.

Now, I do realize that I already was struggling with feeling connected and misjudging, and feeling listless, etc before my accident. But I’m feeling it all even more keenly now due to everything “accumulating” in my mind, so to speak.

And thinking about past regrets will do absolutely nothing for me if I find myself falling back into the same sort of patterns yet again that led me to having regret.

That is, wasting those “in-between moment” (aka, when I’m in the kitchen, or when I’m not working at my computer, or the hours and minutes leading up to bed), where I find myself just running the clock down instead of living for tomorrow, and more importantly the next 3 to 6 months of my life.

If there is one overall thing I KNOW I could’ve done differently, and done better, it’s this: not waiting around for “something to happen or change”. I should’ve compromised more to maintain the peace, should’ve spent far fewer hours on video games and random distractions, and instead worked on improving myself, so that I would be in a better headspace to see more opportunities for me to move ahead, in more ways than one.

Do NOT let life pass you by, whatever you do! Even if you THINK you’re going to fail, or not “get anywhere” trying something new or uncomfortable, do it anyway! You know what’s worse than trying and failing? Not trying at all, and feeling so incredibly guilty months or years down the line wishing you had at least given it a shot. Given that uncomfortable social situation or meeting a shot, or that job, or that work.

In my case, I’m STILL not sure exactly what I would’ve done exactly instead of those wasted hours, but a lot of that again is due to me not thinking and working at it until I had it figured out. And if maybe my biggest problem that was making it all harder was my health, I guess I should’ve kept working at learning as much about it as I could.

Anyways, this is exactly why I need to be doing my journaling and deep thinking stuff earlier, so that my brain doesn’t take forever to wind down.

Until next time...

Change and blind trust at the same time? Get me outta here!

Friday, March 3rd, 2023 [Day 7]

...I...my brain isn’t giving me much, yet again. Got up a bit earlier than usual so I could go to a friend’s house to play their piano. So glad I did, honestly. It’s those little steps of getting out of the house that add up.

Rode a bike yet again today. Another little victory, to be sure. Not only was I able to do closer to 15 minutes on the bike this time, but I got back into doing full u-turns in it. Almost knocked over the neighbor’s trash can in the process, but totally worth it lol.

Feeling an even bigger push to finally make some forward progress. 2023 is going to be a terrible $hitshow, and I need to get my butt in gear.

Back to watching the trading videos, and things seems to be starting to make more sense now. Tomorrow I plan on using replay mode on Trading View to practice how I would’ve entered a trade if it were in real-time. Nope, not I “plan on using”, I’m going to do it.

So many thoughts spinning through my head, but it’s basically just variations of what I said in the previous entry.

Good mindfulness session today, fell asleep partway through it, partly cuz I was already pretty tired in the afternoon.

Still struggling pretty hard with the idea of moving out of here, and living with somebody who is basically a stranger. I just...don’t...I don’t know...I feel weird about this stuff.

Yes, people stepped in and are trying to help me and everything, and have tried taking the time to do so, but I have walls and barriers up that probably aren’t coming down anytime soon unless I feel totally comfortable with somebody. And it doesn’t help that it will still be a place of me taking charity until my situation changes, whatever that may mean. I’m just nervous that I won’t meet certain expectations, especially considering my health issues.

Yes, I know all change is scary, but I’m extremely averse to continuously making moves on somebody else’s terms instead of my own, and because I don’t have somewhere else to go. It kinda still makes me feel like a child, instead of a grown, empowered, responsible adult.

Again, that’s why I feel that push to get ahead, so that I can be more “at liberty”.

Till next time...

Rise and Shine...Mr...[Insert Name Here]

Thursday, March 2nd, 2023 [Day 6]

Sheesh. I really got get back into the groove of journaling closer to 7PM, and doing mindfulness in the afternoon.

So many thoughts spinning through my head today. And all of them connected with what my next step will be.

Been thinking a lot more of what I want my life to look like in the near future. Yes, I want to make tons of money, but NO, not for the sake of it, but YES, I will need that money to make my plans and dreams a reality.

But what does that look like? I do know that being around other people who are where I want to be, I will get ahead, but again, what does that mean exactly?

What masterminds should I join? And even if I have specific ones in mind, how will I make that happen exactly?

Do I need more knowledge and experience in sales before pursuing business-buying, or do I go ahead and start that process, and learn as I go, while I can take advantage of where the economy is going?

In regards to nutrition, fitness, music, and the arts, I know fully well that I don’t currently have the expertise and skill to teach those skills, but I do know of organizations and people that do, that I can get behind. But again, what does that mean to get behind them?

I guess the bottom line is, how do I get behind the things I believe in in an effective manner while also pursuing passion projects, and making enough money to make all that possible?

I DO know that I am more happy when I’m interacting with people more, helping them, and just generally making their day better. But again, what does that mean right now?

Okay, so let’s say that I have a definite next step in mind, what is the biggest hurdle for me? I would say that at this point, it’s my health. I do know that I’m quite limited in my mental capacity and energy levels. And when I start to get better, I will begin to think more clearly, have more energy, and be able to do more. In other words, less dust in the machine, and a “better CPU” will equal a better outcome in all areas of my life. And I think that I will better be able to tackle these questions.

I believe that when I do have money coming in from trading, I’ll have to overcome that hurdle of being afraid to spend money on myself. And I’m not talking, buying stupid crap I don’t need. I’m referring back to health protocols that will help me become the best version of myself. My brain and body will only be as good as I allow it to be.

Which brings me to movement. Once I can move more, that will also help “snowball” the things that I’m trying to do to improve myself overall. Again, I need to not be afraid to invest in myself.

And if it means spending thousands of dollars on supplements and red light panels and whatever, so be it. I’m sick of being limited, sick of being sick...I want to be outdoors more, I want to be more mobile, like CRAZY. I’ve been dealing with this FAR. TOO. LONG.

Which plays back into me wanting to do more hobbies and stuff outdoors, but somehow make a huge impact monetarily and keep a roof over my head.

Well, at least I’m able to ask these questions. Which ties into what Leon was saying on the DRVN livestream.

You have to be able to ask good questions. Asking good questions is a necessarily skill. It’s essential to help you understand yourself, understand where you are in life, understand where you want to be next, and it’s important in helping you empathize and understand others (versus, in my case, where I all too often will just come out and make statements, instead of asking questions to get people to think, or to understand “what makes somebody tick”).

I honestly believe at this point that I need to stop looking for more opportunities and such, make a decision, and just stick with it until it’s time to make the next decision.

When you’re faced with several doors, sometimes you just have to pick one and walk through it. My life kinda feels like that game...what’s it called? The Stanley Parable. Which is appropriate, because that game is essentially a fable and commentary about life. I’ve lost track of how many interesting or cool things I’ve seen come from a Source Engine (aka, the one used for Half Life 2) mod.

Which is related to something else I’ve been thinking about. While I honestly haven’t even played video games at all for probably a few months now, a way in which I think I might “re-introduce” them back is through maybe streaming them or doing gameplay with commentary.

Because I believe that would be so much more satisfying, especially since like with books and games, I don’t just play a game, I often think and talk about things I notice about it. Maybe it’s the design itself, or the music, or the story, or something else.

But yeah, near the very top of the list of titles I’d love to stream or record would be Black Mesa, which is a re-imagining of the original Half Life. It’s essentially a huge passion project done over the course of over a decade by a handful of people, and the end result is basically an amazing cinematic experience where the storytelling and gameplay intersperse so perfectly. And it leaves you both thinking about the implications of what happens, and asking questions.

And I may have said this before, but I’ve met and connected with some really cool and supportive people through Twitch communities, and while yes, I do want to do things in the real world, I believe that it can still have a fulfilling place in my life in some capacity.

Okay, 12 minutes to 9. I’m going to wrap this up here. Again, I hope people don’t mind that this is basically a “stream of thought” kinda blog disguised as a self-help blog lol. I hope they also don’t mind that I sometimes pivot from making it sound like it’s from a classic novel (as my friend Eissac has put it), to just something like this.

Tell you what, though. There may be some uncertainty, and some fear for the future, but I most certainly am in a better headspace than I was 24 hours ago. Just because I don’t know where all the pieces are going, at least I finally have the puzzle spread out before me, and am starting to put it together.

And before I forget, it also helped immensely that somebody I know recently had to make a really tough decision that they were putting off (weirdly enough, starting thinking about it right around the same time that the whole fiasco that nearly led to my eviction). And even though it involves them living alone for the first time in a long time, and it involves some uncertainty, they stopped worrying about the “What if this happens?”, or “What will this person think about this?”, or all the other doubts in their mind. They finally were decisive and moved forward through the pain, and through the “growing pains”, so to speak. Phew. Not gunna lie, I cried when I heard about it, and the tears where for more than one reason. But there IS strength to be found in making tough decisions.

Lesson here? You don’t have to (and really can’t) know your next 3 steps. Just try to get yourself around the right people, start putting the right disciplines in place, and start asking the right questions. And then when you see another step you can take, take it. That’s what makes life interesting.

Thank you for reading this to the end! :) Toodaloo.

A Journey of 20,000 Leagues begins with a single...turn of the engine screw.

Wednesday, February 1st, 2023 [Day 5]

One step forward, three steps back. Too often that’s what life can feel like. You think that you have things figured out, and you’re so sure of yourself, and then...disaster strikes. Or so you think.

Just recently finished a very harrowing part of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Spoiler Alert if you haven’t read it. Basically, everyone on board the Nautilus nearly dies of asphyxiation while trying to dislodge the submarine from inside a huge underwater block of ice.

Is is only when they reach a point of desperation that Captain Nemo and Professor Aronnax come up with a solution to free the submarine and save everyone.

But before that freedom is achieved, the professor is brought from the brink of death by his two faithful friends, who sacrifice some precious oxygen that was left at the bottom of one of their breathing tanks.

Lesson learned? Give your best, even when all seems lost and the odds seem stacked against you, and trust in those friends (or in my case, family) who are there to help you in your time of need.

And also in my case, if said family still pushes you to move forward, even when they are the ones having to pay for your mistakes and missteps, it’s usually a very good sign that they truly do love and care about you.

If you’re wondering, I made a pretty stupid mistake that set us back at least a couple of weeks. But at the end of the day, it was a mistake that had to happen. Because it could’ve potentially been even worse had it been made later on.

Again...it plays into two things that I need to have hammered into my thick head: capital preservation (versus leaving things to chance and taking unnecessary risk), and along with that, focusing in on doing ONE thing well while I get better (aka, trading). I can’t get that down successfully in the few “good hours” I have each day of semi-clarity and energy if I’m also trying to learn about sales, and marketing, and this and that.

Again, health is such an important and precious thing. If you’re health is messed up, and you can’t focus, and you don’t have energy, and a normal “rest and digest” cycle while you’re sleeping (or when you should be sleeping), everything else suffers.

So thankfully, I’ll be getting back on those digestive enzymes, and my sibling and I will be trying a Magnesium Glycinate supplement to help with relaxation and sleep.

So...no long, super poetic post today. My brain is at like 30% efficiency right now, unfortunately. All the same, I hope it made some sense, and that it was worth being here.

Toodaloo.

^^Speaking of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. This gorgeous piece is very evocative of the ocean. I haven't heard this in some time, and I just got goosebumps, yet again.

Tuesday, February 28th, 2023 [Day 4]

Today...[head scratching]...nothing super amazing. “Nighttime blues” don’t seem to be anywhere near as intense as last time. Decided to not add honey to anything but my last Huel shake of the day. So, the lack of a crazy “glucose roller coaster” no doubt majorly helped.

Once again, younger sibling has been a major help to me. I’ll soon be moving to a more rural area, and the place I’m staying won’t have home internet. However, the next best thing in this case is me having a phone with a hotspot. Nothing like what we have now, but it is what it is. Even though we were just making a trip to Walmart and stuff, it still was good to be out and about with them.

Also found out I’ll be just one mile from the public library, so there’s another win!

While I will have my own bathroom and bedroom, I’m kinda dreading being indoors by myself during the winter, more or less. So, I’m feeling pretty motivated to change my circumstances ASAP.

As to what “changing circumstances” actually means...still struggling with maintaining energy, and it looks like I won’t be seeing that physical therapist until I find a means to pay for it.

It’s like having a “redline” of sorts that’s way too low on my brain and energy. One pedal on the gas, and the other on the brake, as they say.

So...I’m not sure. Maybe use the little bit of mental energy I have early in the day to practice and learn the trading stuff, and then do more of my creative artistic sorta hobbies like video editing and such to keep me sane.

As before, keeping up with the mindfulness and afformations. But, as I’ve said, I still need to do some more thinking about all this stuff. With all this AI-driven this and chat, and “look over here, no, over there, and this is awesome for making money, but so is this!” I’m honestly wondering if joining another mastermind group of sorts would help filter out the noise and give me more clarity. So, perhaps another group right within DRVN. But I’m also looking at Tom Bileu’s group (of Impact Theory), and Setema Gali’s Mastermind group. And then I also need to get more clarification from the Unconventional Acquisitions about what kind of person can join their mastermind. Do I need prior business and sales experience, or…? At least I have some ideas floating in that void between my ears…

In any case, to help foster and remind myself of my inner child, I’ve been watching videos like this in evening, and this one in particular gave me a good amount of joy.

And yeah, if I could do whatever I wanted, I wish I could make whatever videos I felt like, create music, and somehow support stuff I believe in, in terms of health and wellness, etc. Kinda vague...I know.

Until next time...

"When you come to a fork in the road...take it."

Monday, February 27th, 2023 [Day 3]

Ever feel like you have some ideas bouncing around your head, but you don’t know what on earth you’re supposed to do with them? Yeah, that’s me right now.

I see the huge potential in learning sales or an “ad agency”, but all the “nuts and bolts” of it seem overwhelming to my majorly creative brain.

However, I can’t help thinking that if I do get those down, I can then focus on what I really would love to do, namely more creative projects. What I’m saying is, get the “marketing myself” down, and then I can focus on the stuff I actually enjoy, namely, the creative process.

I became majorly (to put it mildly) depressed this afternoon, thinking about spending hours alone indoors looking at numbers and spreadsheets, and what have you. I honestly think, that in a nutshell...I just need to give more serious thought about what I REALLY want to be doing, and how can I get there without basically crushing my spirit, to be blunt.

Okay, that’s enough for today lol. Todaloo.