lizasayspsychology
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how to: self-care
How to take care of someone? Often we don't have to think too much about the answer. It comes intuitively, because all of us have some learned behaviour, that we consider to be "an expression of support".
It happens, because most of us had some experience in our childhood, when we saw how our parents were taking care of us. And basically we continue to use the same methods and ways to support others.
I need to make a note, that not all of these ways can be "healthy" or not everything one person considers as support have the same meaning for another person. But this is the whole different topic, that maybe will appear in this blog later on.
But the difficulties begin, when we start thinking about ways "how to take care of ourselves". I am pretty sure most of us are practicing self-care, but not everyone is aware they are doing it. Some people wrongly believe, that self-care is some kind of luxury and not of a basic need. And in most of the cases it is caused by the lack of understanding what self-care actually is. Today, I will try to prove them wrong.
According to Cambridge Dictionary self-care is the practice of doing activities that you enjoy or that are relaxing, especially in order to improve or avoid stress. Basically self-care is all about helping us maintain our physical and mental health and well-being especially in times of stress.
But why is it so important to practice self-care? Here are some of the thing that regular self-care can do:
-reduce stress and anxiety,
-lower the risk of illness,
-increase energy levels,
-improve quality of life,
-help to foster and sustain relationships,
-reduce burnout and increased happiness.
Sounds interesting? Then let's talk about some ways of self-care you can start implementing even today. Self-care can be divided into 3 basic categories: physical, mental, and emotional. So there will be different practices for each of this category.
Emotional self-care - it can be positive self-talk, meditation, creating art, going regularly on self-dates or meeting with friends, journaling and practicing gratitude, or going to therapy.
Physical self-care - is good night sleep, taking a relaxing bath, regular physical exercises, healthy and nourishing foods or drinking enough water.
Mental self-care - watching an educational documentary, learning a new language, travelling, listening to a podcast, reading a new book, doing puzzles, picking up a new skill/hobby like knitting or making bread.
Its important to mention, that self-care does not mean the same thing for everyone. Different people choose different self-care practices, which can change over time. And that's OK!
I believe self-care is one of the most important things in the life of modern people, who experience a huge amount of stress on a daily basis. It is sad, that this information is not very populated yet and huge amount of people still don't know how to take care of themselves.
I was one of these people. My self-caring journey started just a couple of years ago, but the impact it had on my life is just insane.
To help you better understand my starting point: I was living pointless life, had alcohol addiction, low self-esteem, was totally disconnected from my feelings, emotions and needs. I was forcing myself to use positive self-talk instead of more familiar negative self-talk. I was a people pleaser having difficulties saying "no".
When I got familiar with psychology, and started to actually understand my feelings an recognise my needs, I slowly started implementing some of the self-care practices (at that time I did not even know what self-care is, I was just following my intuition). Now I am getting enough sleep every night and eating more healthy food. I also started doing yoga every morning, implemented regular self-dates, started exploring new places, practice emotional regulation and journaling.
As a result, I am more confident than I have ever been before. I feel like I am attracting the most amazing people into my life, every night I am looking forward to wake up and do my yoga practice. I got the job I was dreaming of, where I can express my creativity. After a long time, I feel that my life actually has a meaning. I am choosing to have an amazing day every day to have an amazing life. And I am doing anything that can make my day even a little better. I am finally have the courage to freely express myself. And nothing of this would have happened if I have not started taking care of myself.
A little advice for all of you my friends, who are also starting your self-care journey. Start small. Go to sleep 1 hour earlier than usual, or do 5 mins stretching in the morning. By the time, it will be easier for you to sort doing bigger things. And remember - the core of self-care is you. The aim of self-care is to find things, that are making you feel better and reducing feelings of stress and burnout. If you find that something is no longer serving you, it's totally normal to try something different.
I hope this post was useful and you learned something new today!
Thank you for reading!
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how to stop being disappointed
Have you ever felt disappointed, angry or upset because someone acted not the way you expected him to act? If your answer is "yes", welcome to the "not met expectations" club.
Expectations are always a fantasy, mental image of expected events based on possible needs and past experience. They arise as a result of certain beliefs we gain throughout life. These beliefs usually come from our family, friends and society. Tricky thing is, that it's pretty hard for our brain to see the difference between fantasy and reality. So when we expect something, our brain thinks that it has already happened.
The danger lies in the discrepancy between these beliefs and reality. Some people say "expectations are premeditated resentments", and this is true. If you don't get what you expect from other person, it will most probably make you feel disappointed, angry or frustrated. It happens, because you are absolutely sure that this person was obliged to do what you expected from him.
I need to make clear, that the actual problem is not about expectation itself, but about the feelings you have if you don't get what you expected. There is a difference between "hope" and "expectation". In case of hope, you are ready to accept different outcomes of the situation. But if you expect something to happen, it means there is only one possible outcome that you are willing to accept, which almost guaranteed to lead you to frustration.
Maybe you will be surprised, but if you have expectations for other people, it means you have expectations for yourself as well. Which means, that you are not free, because expectations may feel like chains, that bind you and don't let you do what you really want, don't let you be your true self.
Imagine a person who thinks that he has to prioritise other people's feelings over his own. He also believe that other people expect him to behave this way, because he learned it in his childhood. At that time it was true - his parents expected him to do so. Interesting thing is, that he will expect other people to do the same - prioritise his feeling over their own. And each time he will see a person, who prioritises his own feelings, he will get angry and disappointed.
But the fact that he was expected to please everyone in childhood, does not mean that it is normal and that other people expect him to do it now. This example shows, how easily can we limit ourself and believe that this limitations are coming from the outside.
There are 2 types of the expectations we need to distinguish: constructive and destructive.
Destructive expectations are usually not even being communicated, and unspoken expectations are almost guaranteed to go unfulfilled. They can also be seen as unrealistic. For a person with such expectations, it will be extremely hard even to imagine that his expectations can be a subject of discussion. Such person believes, that there is only one right opinion - his own. For this person, everything is obvious, but the object of expectations may not even realise that there is something being expected from him.
Constructive (realistic) expectations are always closely related to dialogue. We can inform a person that we need a specific actions or no action from him and let him know how important it is for us. And only after the person is ready and agrees to give us what we need - our expectation becomes an obligation. And in case this obligation was not fulfilled, our feeling of disappointment or anger are completely justified.
You may be wondering now "how can I stop having destructive expectation and getting disappointed?". I have some tips for you:
Become aware of your expectations
As always, to start working on your expectations, you need first to become aware of what you are expecting from others. Good indicator of not met expectations is disappointment. So next time you feel disappointed you make ask yourself "what am I expecting? why am I expecting this? where does it come from? is my expectation realistic?". It is very important to accept your disappointment (as well as any other feeling) instead of denying or suppressing it.
Be grateful for what you have
I have noticed, that when I got something I expected to get I was less satisfied, than if I had no expectations. I feel like at that moment I did not really feel grateful for what I got. And this is a very common problem for people. We stopped being grateful for simple things like a smile of a stranger, food or life itself. To change that I started to write a gratitude journal. Every morning for the last 10 months I have been writing 10 things that I am grateful for. It can be anything that comes to your mind. And I have to say, this small thing had a huge positive impact on my well being, mood, my relationship with other people and even myself.
Speak, don't expect people to read your mind
If you expect another person to read your mind or that "all people think the same way as you", you are in trouble. I am sorry to tell you, but it is unrealistic to think that not communicating your expectations clearly is going to get people to behave the way you want them to. I know it may not be easy for some people, who did not feel safe communicating their needs in childhood, but the truth is, that it is your responsibility now to learn how to communicate affectively.
The last thing I want to share with you is a "Gestalt Therapy Verbatim" by Fritz Perls. You can read this to yourself as a reminder, that neither you nor anyone else should live up to anyone else's expectations.
I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.
I hope that this post was useful and helped you learn something new.
Thank you for reading it, I highly appreciate it!
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fear of failure
I believe, most of us have at least one thing, that we wanted to do so bad, but never actually did. It can be learning how to dance, starting working on a new project or even having a relationship. And in most cases the reason behind it is fear. And to be more precise - fear of failure.
There are plenty of people who say "If you did not do it, it means you did not want it enough". I also used to share this opinion, until I admitted that the reason I am not making ticktock videos or quitting my corporate job is not that I don't want it, but because I am so scared that of not succeeding. And interesting thing is that the more I want something the more scared I used to feel.
And if you are like me, you probably hear that voice in your head, that says something like: "you won't succeed, there are a lot of people doing that already or its too difficult".
Let's start by giving the definition of a term "failure". In simple words, it means that you have not achieved a goal that you or someone else set for you. And we mistakenly think, that it's super easy to define if something can be considered a failure or not. But in reality it is not, because something you did is considered to be a failure only if you see it that way. You may see it as "the end of the world" or "an opportunity to learn and grow".
Now let's talk about some possible reason behind this fear of failure. One of them may be having unsupportive or critical parents. The lack of support and/or humiliation can strongly influence the way a person peruses his mistakes or "failures" as an adult. These people usually experienced such strong negative emotions in relation to mistakes they made, that the possibility of experiencing them again may feel unbearably frightening for them.
Another reason may be a traumatic event like making a bad presentation in front of the class or being rejected by someone you like and being humiliated for that in front of a bunch of people. That may feel terrible and can make you become really scared of getting in similar situation in the future, which makes you avoid making mistakes and can lead to perfectionism or/and procrastination. (I will make a whole other post to explain the relation between fear of making a mistake and procrastination.)
Unhealthy beliefs people around you have about the failure can have a strong impact on you as a child. It can be your parents, friends or even teachers at school. Coming back to the example of being humiliated for a bad presentation, it's clear that people who humiliate others for mistakes are terribly afraid of making a mistake themselves.
The worst part about humiliation is usually a feeling of shame, that's why failure in most of the cases is making people experience shame. And as I explained in my previous post about shame, this feeling can make you feel like there is something wrong with you as a person. So even a small mistake can make you feel stupid, not worthy or not being able to ever succeed.
So next time someone is laughing at your mistake or failure, be sure that this person may be even more scared of making the same mistake that you did. :)
Let`s now talk about some signs you may experience fear of failure. It can be:
refusing to try new things or take on challenging projects;
self-sabotage in a form of procrastination;
perfectionism,
being worried about what other people think about you if you fail;
often getting last-minute headaches, stomach aches, or other physical symptoms that prevent you from completing something;
being worried about people losing interest in you if you fail.
I am pretty sure you are wondering now: "Liza, but how can I stop living in fear?" And I am here to help you as always!
Identify the cause of your fear - it good to pay attention to what you are saying to yourself when you get a new idea, that you put in this "I am too scared to do" box and what pictures you are imagining in your head. You may find out that your fears are absolutely irrational and have extremely low chance to actually happen.
Redefine you meaning of failure - growing up surrounded by people with unhealthy beliefs about failure, it was natural for you to adopt this way of thinking. But as an adult you are now able to change it and choose how you want to perceive failure. Instead of seeing failure as a disaster, you can start seeing it as a lesson, opportunity to grow, to have new experience or to see how strong you really are.
Do the thing that makes you feel scared - this adviсe had a significant impact on my life. Every time I felt scared of something I realised, that this is exactly what I should do. And the more I chased my fear, the less scared I felt. I understood, that this horrible picture I imagined in my head during my whole life, actually never happened. No-one was humiliating me for making a mistake. I actually received a lot of support, especially at the times, when I let people know that I am feeling scared.
Support yourself - as I mentioned several times already in my previous posts, your self-talk is one of the most important things that influences your life and your decisions. That's why it's highly important to work on becoming a supportive "parent" for yourself, even if you did not have one growing up. I literally felt so stupid when I was talking nicely to myself before. It was happening because I was not used to it at all, but with practice and time it became a natural thing for me.
Please, remember that making mistakes is okay, it's a part of the proccess. Give yourself permission to fail. Be proud of yourself for trying instead of doing nothing.
Thank you for reading this. I hope it helped you learn something new about yourself today.
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what a shame!
Today I want to talk about shame.
Lately I realized it is one of the hardest topics for me. I am feeling a lump in my throat now even thinking about it. That's why I decided to go deeper into this topic.
Let's begin with the definition of shame. It can be described as a painful feeling of humiliation or discomfort caused by the realization of the fact you have done something dishonourable or immoral. Shame is considered to be a "social emotion" because it is a great way of controlling and influencing people's behaviour.
Shame in most of the cases turns into auto-aggression. It`s an intentional activity aimed at causing harm to oneself in the physical and/or mental spheres. It manifests itself in self-accusation, self-humiliation, self-infliction of bodily harm. Example of auto-aggression can also be a refusal to receive pleasure or satisfaction of needs.
Some of not-so-obvious examples of auto-aggression represented in a self-defeating behavior are:
alcohol or drug abuse,
being in a physically and/or emotionally abusive relationship,
skin scratching,
nail biting.
Let`s talk about the cause of such behaviour. By a certain period of life, a child develops self-reflection - the ability to reflect and analyze himself. He is trying to get rid of any "bad" or "wrong" behavior and to do so, uses the method copied from his parents he saw in a childhood - for example education by punishment. The child starts to punish himself for "bad" behaviour and mistakes.
It`s important to know, that parents, who use shame to punish or regulate child's behaviour, usually experience a deep sense of chronic shame themselves. They pass on their own feelings of inferiority and shame to their children. Such parents are more likely care about their image and the way they are being perceived by others than about the feelings of their child.
Another reason for a child's auto-aggressive behavior may be his high emotional sensitivity. Such child would rather hurt himself, then see the suffering of others. If this child accidentally causes suffering to another person, he usually experiences the pain even more intense then the "victim".
But auto-aggression arises not only in relation to shame, it's a protective reaction of the psyche to difficult events and emotions, such as fear, anger and other. We are living in a society, where it is easier for a person to endure his own pain than to cope with the feeling of guilt from venting aggression on the object that provoked this aggression. Because often, society considers such behavior as more "worthy". Public expression of emotions, such as anger, dislike or anger, can lead to social disapproval. So as I mention earlier, shame is a perfect tool for controlling people`s behaviour.
People who experience shame usually do anything to hide the thing are ashamed of. And becomes worse, when the shame is chronic, because in such case person can feel like he is fundamentally flawed, bad, not worthy etc.
The truth is, you being deeply ashamed of yourself often has little to do with your worth or what you have done wrong!
Let's see some of the examples of reaction that represent a feeling of shame:
feeling sensitive or being worried about what others think of you
feeling unappreciated, used, being taken advantage of
feeling rejected, regretful or inadequate
feeling that you can’t be your true self
being a perfectionist
trying to hide or be inconspicuous, or not wanting talk because of fear of saying the wrong thing
being defensive and shaming others in return
having hard time trusting other people
people pleasing
So you may be wandering now "how should I stop feeling ashamed all the time?" I got you, and have some usefull tips for you:
find the root cause of your shame - it may not be easy, because order to find the root cause, you need to recognize and admit you are feeling shame in the first place
have compassion for yourself - we are all human and we do make mistakes, its okay. Making mistakes is better than not doing anything at all. Mistakes are the opportunity to grow and learn, embrace them!
become aware of how you talk to yourself - most of the time we are having extremely negative self talk without even realising it. You may be surprised, but this voice in your head speaking badly to you is not yours. Usually it's the voice of these people who were criticising or shaming you in the past. Once I was talking to my friend and started crying in the middle of the conversation because I realized how badly I talk to myself and that I am questioning almost every word I am about to say. I felt extremely sorry for myself and started practicing positive self talk since then.
This topic is very hard and painful for me.
When I was younger, I used to have alcohol and cigarette addiction, I was both bullied and bullying others. I deeply believed that I am a bad person, not worthy of love. I could not trust people and could not believe they can be nice to me because they like me and not because they want to take advantage of me. I was used to being treated badly, so I was subconsciously choosing people who were doing so. The reason for it is simple: it was giving me a fake sense of safety because it was something very familiar to me.
Only after years of studying psychology I realized I am having a chronic deep sense of shame. But I am happy that I finally have enough emotional resources to face this truth and to start doing something about it. So if you feel shame a lot, you are not alone.
I want you to know, that this shame is not who you really are. You can think of it like a cage, where is your true self being locked.
I hope this will inspire you to get a little more close to getting to know real you and showing it to the world. You can do this. I believe in you.
Thank you for reading this. It means a lot to me.
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how to: communicate
I believe, that in this social world we are living, communication is one of the most important things that highly affects the quality of our lives.
Do you think you are good at communicating?
If you are not very familiar with this term. "Communication skills" is simply the ability to transmit and receive information. However, the essence of effective communication is not only in the exchange of information, but also in the ability to express your thoughts as accurately as possible, capture the meaning and adequately respond to other people's messages. Lets start with some characteristics of good communicators:
actively listening and asking questions
Such people can not only listen, but also hear. Instead of thinking over their answer in advance while other person is talking, they are being present, actively listening and asking clarifying questions if necessary.
honest
They are being honest instead of avoiding immediate conflict and making others feel better by finding ways not to tell the hard truth.
accept constructive criticism
Good communicators can accept constructive critical feedback without being angry or defensive. They also can provide constructive input to others together with some recommendations for ways for improvement.
empathic
Effective communicators are be able to put themselves in other peoples shoes, recognise their emotional state and understand their feelings.
can regulate their emotions
These people can deal with their own emotions in stressful situations to avoid saying something under influence of emotions, that they may regret later.
respectful
Good communicators respect and accept other people’s points of view instead of dismissing it. They do not rise their voice and do not use insults while talking to others. This helps other people to feel safe and freely express themselves in communication with them.
opened about their feelings
Such people can openly communicate their feeling without shutting down or using a silent treatment (refusal to communicate verbally with someone who desires communication, is a way of emotional abuse)
Do you still believe you have good communication skills? If your answer is "yes", I am very happy for you, it means your parents/caregivers or you yourself did an amazing job to become a good communicator.
In case your answer is "no", most probably you were growing up in the environment, where instead of learning how to express your feelings and communicate effectively, you learned to communicate by shouting, using silence treatment or other kinds of emotional abuse. You may feel scared to share your feelings and choose to shut down instead. Any kind of conflict can feel so overwhelming for you, that you prefer to avoid them. This all has a negative impact on both: your personal life and your career.
Please, understand that the fact, that you did not learn how to communicate effectively in your childhood, does not mean you will never be able to develop this skill. Yes, communication is a skill, and it can be improved and developed if you work on it regularly. Remember, only you are responsible for your own happiness, so it's only you who can make this decision to become a better communicator.
It`s true, that the more unhealthy way of communication you experienced in childhood, the harder it would be for you now to change these behavioural patterns. But the result of this work will have a significant impact on your life. You will be surprised how differently will you start to view other people and how differently they will begin to perceive you.
Here are some tips on how to improve your communication:
use ‘I’ statements
This may help you translate your feelings into words. By focusing on your own emotions you can also prevent a defensive reaction, since the other person is less likely to feel attacked or blamed. (if you want to learn more, please read one of my previous posts)
set clear boundaries
It's highly important to clearly set your boundaries in order for other person to know how to behave with you. People cannot know what is okay for us and what is not. (highly recommend to check my post about boundaries)
give yourself some time to regulate emotions
If during an argument you feel overwhelmed by your emotions, take a pause to calm down, collect your thoughts, and return to the discussion with a clear mind. It will prevent you from saying things you will regret after your emotional state is back to normal.
practice active listening
It includes giving full attention to the person you are talking to without interruption, judgement or shame.
Hope you find this post helpful.
Never stop exploring yourself. Thank you for reading this!
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I am not whole without you
If you feel like you cannot live without other person or you are not whole without them - its a huge sign of codependency.
In case you are not familiar with this term. Codependency is a way of behaving in relationships where each person is mentally, emotionally and/or physically dependent on each other and cannot function independently anymore.
I already mentioned in one of my previous posts about attachment styles, that in codependent relationships person A is being persistently prioritized over person B, and this person B is dependent on the emotions, moods and behaviours of the person A. It can also be seen as "relationship addiction," because such people become addicted to unhealthy, emotionally harmful relationships.
Codependency can exist between romantic partners, family members, friends or even colleagues. If you have codependent relationship with your romantic partner, most probably you are building the same kind of relationship with other people as well.
Let's look at the signs of codependent behaviour:
trouble making decisions
low self-esteem
difficulty identifying and expressing your feelings
fear of abandonment
obsessive need for approval
self-sacrifice
avoiding conflicts
tendency to minimize or ignore your own desires
constantly making decisions for others
having your mood based on other person`s emotions and not your own feelings
doing things you don’t want to do to make others happy
If while reading this list of signs you found out, you have some or even most of them, please don't panic. As a person who struggled (and actually still struggling) with tendency to have codependent behaviour, I can tell you that it's possible to get out of this "codependent loop".
The first and most important step is to admit you have codependent tendencies and start working on yourself. I cannot promise you it won't be hard - it will, but this step will make you closer to meeting your true self.
Maybe you are wondering why you have tendency to such behaviour. Here are some examples of events that could happen in your childhood, which could lead you to have such behaviour as an adult:
you experienced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
your needs were ignored
you had controlling or overprotective caregivers, who did not let you set healthy boundaries
you experienced abandonment of one or both parents/caregivers
caregivers were not consistent in their behaviour
you experienced criticism and/or bullying from parents, siblings or other people
And now you are probably asking "So what should I do now?". Probably the most obvious and effective advice I could give you is going to therapy. But apart from this, here are some tips that could help you overcome codependency:
spend some time alone - it will help you to get to know yourself, get in touch with your emotions and recharge your energy.
set boundaries - think of the the limits that are acceptable for you in a relationship and overall communication with people (I recommend you to read one of my previous posts related to this topic for better understanding).
take care of yourself - as one of the key signs of codependent person is low self-esteem, it`s highly important to start working on it by paying more attention to your physical body (move, spend time outside, eat healthy food), do things that actually make you feel happy and acknowledge if you are having negative self-talk (there will be a whole post related to this topic).
practice assertive communication - using "I" message is a great way to start (check my post "how to set boundaries" to learn more)
learn signs of healthy relationship - if you tend to have codependent relationships, it may be hard for you to even tell what the signs of healthy and loving relationship actually are. So it will be good to find out more about it.
I hope that you feel more self-aware now after reading this post. I would be happy if it helps or inspires someone to start working on themselves.
Thank you for your time and attention! It's highly valuable to me.
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fear of responsibility
In my opinion taking responsibility for your actions and life is the key factor of an adult life. But do all adults willing to take this responsibility? The answer is - no, and now I will explain you some reasons behind it.
Let's begin by understanding the meaning of the word "responsibility". In simple words it means you do the things you are supposed to do and accept the results of your actions.
If its still hard for you to understand who these responsible people are, here are some of their characteristics:
they keep their promises;
they admit their mistakes and apologize if needed;
they don't use excuses;
the don't blame others;
they are honest;
they don’t wait for appreciation or recognition;
they solve the problem instead of avoiding it;
they don't complain.
If after reading this list you realised you are not one of these responsible people, you may have a fear of taking responsibility. This may be caused by the lack of experience or bad experience in taking responsibility, which can make you believe you are not good at it. For example: as a child you were not allowed to make your own decisions or were punished for them, so as an adult you may feel that you are not capable of doing anything.
Another reason may be perfectionism and fear of making mistakes. Perfectionists tend to believe they should do things perfectly or not do them at all. If you are one of them, please remember: mistakes are an essential part of success!
One of the reasons can also be fear of "what people will say". Such people are strongly dependent on external evaluation and approval, they are afraid of being discussed or judged by other people. For them, the most important thing is not their comfort, success or happiness, but other people's opinion.
If you found yourself in any of these reasons, I am here with you. I used to be so scared of taking responsibility for my life, my actions and decisions. And the most interesting fact for me is that most of the time, people with the fear of responsibility are not even aware of having it. Maybe they are so scared to be honest with themselves and admit that it's them and their fear, which is not letting them grow and not external things they are used to blame.
Realisation that it's only me, who is responsible for my life was both challenging and liberating. Challenging part about it was that I can no longer blame others for my own actions and decisions. Liberating part was to realise that it's only me who can make myself feel both happy or miserable. I have the power now and I will not let other people to take control over my life.
I will give you some tips on how to become more responsible person. It may be hard for some of you to start implementing them, but as soon as you start you will see the magic happening with you and your life. Trust me.
Stop making excuses for yourself
If you made a mistake - own it, apologize if needed and try to find out why it happened to not make the same mistake again. I believe there is nothing more attractive than a person who is able to admit his mistakes and apologize for them.
Stop complaining
Usually people who complain a lot are the ones who tend to speak too much and do nothing. They can talk a lot about an issue, but be motionless when it comes to actually doing something about it. If you don't like something, instead of meeningless complaining - do it yourself or consult with the person who did it.
Learn how to manage your finances
This is one of the most important parts of being an adult - being able to manage your own finances. You can do it by planning your spendings in advance in order to avoid impulsive purchases. One of the key factors is also saving/investing money. I am still struggling with this part of my life, but can see a slight progress already.
Be consistent and stick to your schedule
It's good to have a routine and plan your days, weeks and even months in advance. With the clear plan you can track your actions and actually reach your goals. You can begin by waking up every day at the same time both on weekdays and weekends. This will bring some consistency into your life.
I hope this post helped you to start this hard journey to becoming a more responsible person!
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how to set boundaries?
Have you ever felt guilty for saying "no" or were prioritising someone else's needs over your own?
If your answer is yes, congratulations, you have problems with setting your boundaries. But don't worry, I am here to help you find out WHY you need to set boundaries and HOW to do it! :)
First, let's start with the definition of the word "boundary" - it`s an imaginary line between you and other people. It is your inner feeling, which helps you separate what is yours/not yours and understand what you can or can't allow others to do in relation to yourself.
Personal boundaries can be divided into two groups: physical and psychological.
Physical boundaries include your body, personal belongings and the space you consider to be yours. For example: you may not like when someone takes your things without permission, comes to visit without warning, tries to touch you when you do not want to or is standing/sitting too close to you.
Psychological boundaries are usually associated with interpersonal relationships and the emotional state of a person. An example of their violation would be an inappropriate comment/question, manipulation or advice you didn't ask for. My parents used to often ask me: "so when are you finally going to have kids?", which was literally driving me crazy.
It's important to know, that personal boundaries are not static, they can change throughout life, in relationships with different people, depending on the situation and even your emotional state. This is absolutely normal! For example: when you are angry, you may not want to be hugged by your partner, although hugging with him/her usually makes you feel happy.
You may be wondering WHY setting boundaries is so important? Setting boundaries simply means communicating your needs to other person in order to have a healthy interaction. And yeah, sometimes it`s not that easy.
It can happen, that not everyone may like or understand your boundaries or your reasons behind setting them. Sometimes you may even feel guilty for communicating your needs. It can happen if during your childhood your needs were ignored or, it was not common in your family to communicate needs at all.
One of the most important reason for setting boundaries is that they protect your physical and mental health, and make you feel safe. Other reason is that setting your boundaries is a form of self-care. Which means, that you value your own feelings and needs and understand, that you are not responsible for other people`s feelings and reactions. Boundaries allow you to say “no” to things that don’t align with your values or priorities.
Important reminder: setting your boundaries is your responsibility, so if you do not set or communicate your boundaries you cannot blame other person for not knowing/violating them.
Before learning how to defend your boundaries, you should learn how to understand that they have been violated. The most important indicator is your feeling of anger, as well as irritation or disturbance. So, in order to be able to protect your boundaries, it is important to be in contact with your anger and express it in a healthy way: not to ignore and accumulate it, but talk about it and express it in the moment when you feel it.
I will talk about anger more in my next post. This is a very interesting and relevant topic in my opinion. So don't miss it! :)
Coming back to the boundaries. Now I will explain you HOW to set your boundaries.
First step is to actually understand what your boundaries are by getting to know yourself better and paying attention to your feelings while communicating with others. The second step is to do only things that you want to do because they will have positive impact on your life and make choices because you feel they are right for you and not because of fear of hearting someone else's feeling or not being a nice person.
One of the ways to set your boundaries is to use "I" message, which focuses on your own feelings and experiences instead of your perspective of what the other person has done or failed to do.
It may sound like: “You know, I get angry and sad (feelings) when you criticize my appearance (fact) because it seems disrespectful to me (fact). It is important for me to feel your support (need), and criticism does not allow me to do this. Please, let's not talk about my appearance from now on (request)."
The most important is to express what you feel, mention the fact and to name your request.
Another way is to set boundaries before they are violated. For example if someone is in your physical space, you may say “I get uncomfortable when people are too close to me. Could you take a step back?” Or if you don't like others touching your stuff you can say "Please, do not touch my personal things without my permission".
The most important, is that you should not feel the need to apologise or explain yourself beyond that. The fact that it is not ok for you is already enough.
Please remember, that taking care of yourself first and than others is not selfish. By meeting your own needs, you respect yourself and the others by taking responsibility for your own well-being.
Thank you for reading this post.
Hope it helped you to learn something new about yourself! :)
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how do you feel?
Do you know that the ability to identify your emotions is one of key elements of emotional intelligence?
Maybe this may sound obvious for some people, but what if I tell you that I learned to identify and actually name my emotions only at the age of 24? Before that I was "emotionally disabled", which means I was not able to identify not only mine, but also other people`s emotions or feelings.
First, let's start with the difference between emotion and a feeling. Emotions are usually short-lived and intense and are usually a reaction to a specific situation, when feelings are the results of specific emotions, they can be influenced by our perception of the situation and cause physical sensations in our bodies. As a result the same emotion can trigger different feelings among people experiencing it.
According to psychologist Paul Ekman, there are 6 basic emotions:
Happiness;
Sadness;
Fear;
Anger;
Disgust;
Surprise.
These emotions are considered to be basic because they are equally manifested in people regardless of their national and cultural affiliation. I will return to their more detailed description in my next posts.
The ability of people to influence which emotions to have, when to have them, and how to experience and express their feelings is called emotional regulation. Basically, people who can regulate their emotions are able to control them and usually have no problem with pausing between feeling and reactions in order to act after objectively evaluating a situation.
Emotion regulation strategies to cope with difficult situations are usually used by people unconsciously, which leads to the occurrence of 2 types of emotional regulation: healthy (helpful) and unhealthy (harmful). The definition mentioned above refers more to a healthy way of emotional regulation, which is:
Talking with friends;
Exercising;
Writing a journal;
Therapy;
Paying attention to negative thoughts that occur before or after strong emotions and accepting them;
Reframing a negative experience in a more positive light.
For some people the experience of certain emotions can seem too overwhelming, which can lead to a deep need to do something that will stop the intensity of these emotions immidiately, in other words use an unhealthy strategy for emotional regulation.
Unhealthy ways to regulate emotion may look like:
Abusing alcohol or other substances;
Suppressing emotions = not expressing emotions on your face or in words;
Self-harm;
Avoiding or withdrawing from difficult situations or social interactions;
Physical or verbal aggression towards others;
Rumination = replaying negative thoughts in your mind over and over again.
Usually it's not an emotion itself that is overwealming and cannot be tolerated by a person, but the interpretation of the situation that triggered the emotion and feeling associated with it. For example: your boss criticizes you at work, and your mind reacts to this situation with the thought like "I am not good enough", which makes you feel worthless and anxious.
Important fact is, that emotional regulation is not possible without emotional awareness. The first step to emotional awareness is acknowledging your emotions by noticing what you feel. Next step is to name this emotions. This can make you feel in control of what is happening. And the last step is to accept your emotions, which may also be the hardest one fore some people. Accepting your emotions means observing without any judgement.
I would like to emphasise, that emotional awareness and regulation is highly important, since it can make you experience more joy and fulfilment in your life.
Hope this post helped you learn something new about yourself or your closed ones!
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why can't I have a happy relationship?
Do you want to know why you are attracted to certain type of people? or why you have certain problems in your relationships again and again?
The attachment theory can help you find answers to these questions.
According to this theory, attachment style is developed during childhood. So basically our attachment style is a type of attachment we had towards our parents as children, which later influences our romantic relationships.
There are 4 styles of attachment:
Secure attachment style
People with this attachment style tend to have more happy relationship with their partners, family members and friends. It comes from the fact that these people felt safe, understood and valued while communicating with their parents or caregivers. As a result these people feel that they’re worthy of love and don’t need constant external reassurance.
People with secure attachment style usually tend to:
-easily trust others;
-set clear boundaries;
-feel comfortable both: being alone and being in close relationship;
-regulate their emotions;
-be capable of accepting rejection.
Anxious attachment style
People with this attachment style are most likely to get in unhealthy or abusive relationships. As kids they usually have unpredictable interaction with their caregivers, who could sometimes pay a lot of attention to the child while other times be very distant and emotionally unavailable. As a result this person can develop a sense of responsibility for caregiver’s emotional state and mood, and make an extraordinary efforts to “make them happy” or get love in return.
Adults with such attachment style usually have signs of codependency (a way of behaving in relationships where one person is dependent on moods and emotions of their partner and usually tend to prioritize them in a relationship).
People with anxious attachment style usually tend to:
-constantly worry if their partner loves them;
-have intense fear of rejection and abandonment;
-seek approval from others;
-have jealous tendencies;
-have difficulty being alone.
Avoidant attachment style
People with this attachment style are extremely independent and uncomfortable with intimacy. They are usually looking for a reason to leave the relationship. It may be caused by strict or emotionally unavailable caregivers. For example they could be very busy with work or not being able to identify even their own emotions and feelings.
People with avoidant attachment style usually tend to:
-avoid emotional or physical intimacy;
-feel a strong sense of independence;
-feel uncomfortable expressing their feelings;
-have a hard time trusting people;
-believe they don’t need others in their life;
-scared of being controlled.
Anxious-avoidant attachment style
This attachment style contains the most difficult traits of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Anxious-avoidant people usually spend much of their time alone or in abusive or dysfunctional relationships. As kids this people could experience neglect, physical or emotional abuse. As children they did not feel safe in communication with their parents or other caregivers.
People with anxious-avoidant attachment style usually tend to have:
-inability to regulate emotions;
-difficulty trusting others;
-high level of anxiety;
-hard time trusting people;
-unpredictable and confusing behavior;
-signs of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles;
-mood or substance abuse disorders.
The good news is that it's possible to change your attachment style if you start working on it.
I personally used to live with anxious-avoidant attachment style without even realising it. But once I started working on myself, studying psychology and implementing gained knowledge in my daily life, I managed to get much closer to having a secure attachment style.
You can do it as well!
I hope you learned something new about yourself today.
Thank you for your time reading this :)
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I will do anything to defend myself!
Defence mechanisms are psychological response we consciously or unconsciously use in the times of stress to defend ourselves from anxiety, threats to our self-esteem, and things that we want to avoid (because they may scare us or be unpleasant). As activation of defence mechanisms may be done unconsciously, some people may not be aware they are using them or may not know the reason behind it.
Lets talk about some of the most common defence mechanisms:
projection - the idea of this defence mechanism is to project something you don’t like about yourself onto someone else, which protects you from having to acknowledge parts of yourself you don’t like. Example: this person hates me. Believing someone “hates us” is often a result of projection. If we have a strong dislike for someone in the first place it is common for us to protect ourselves against this feeling by projecting it into another. Example: this person is so fat/ugly/slutty. Person, who is saying such things is likely to be deeply insecure about her/his own body, and thus unconsciously project this feeling of intense dislike or disgust onto others.
displacement - is used to redirect a negative emotion from its original source to a less threatening (or even powerless) object in order to get rid of the negative feelings. This happens because the response to the initial target is considered unacceptable or impossible. Example: you are angry at your boss, but venting you anger or frustration directly to your boss may cost you a job, so you might keep this feelings till the evening, when you can find yourself overreacting to a triggering event caused by your partner, child or pet. Usually in such situations triggering event is not that significant, but the reaction to it is over the top. As a result: the anger you were feeling at your boss is released, but in an indirect way. Another example: you are feeling intense rage and hatred toward your mother, but you displaces your feelings onto other people whom you associates with her (who have the same characteristics and behaviours).
repression - when experiencing or thinking of things that may be threatening, we may choose to repress (or simply forget) them instead, so they become no longer available in our consciousness. However, these memories don't just disappear, they continue to influence our behaviour. Example: you may not remember some situations that happened with you in the childhood, because you removed this memories from your consciousness to protect yourself. Instead, you may display anxious behaviours toward other items that you associates with these original painful memories.
denial - another popular defence mechanism, which occurs when you refuse to accept reality or facts. People, who use it, seem unable to face reality or admit an obvious truth. The reason behind it is to avoid painful feelings or events. Example: someone has alcohol/drug abuse issue, but refuses to admit it even though it is obvious for other people and family members.
Hopefully it helped someone to better understand him/her self and others.
Please let me know if you are interested to know about other existing defence mechanisms. :)
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love without conditions
Love.
I was always thinking I knew what this means and how this feels. But only now after 25 years I realised, that my understanding of love has nothing to do with real unconditional love.
I was a kid, that was loved only for being good: having good grades, behaving well, dressing nice, making no mistakes. Once I brake this rule, I get nothing but anger, silent treatment, punishments and all these beautiful things children need to become "perfect" for their parents. This is a beautiful example of conditional love.
This also had an impact on my future relationships with men. I ended up falling in love with guys, who were treating me like sh:)t. And once a nice guy showed up in my life I was running away from him as fast as I could. Only after years of studying myself I understood what was the root cause such behaviour.
I always heard this from people "just love yourself".
just
love
yourself
Sounds super easy. But is it?
I used to only love myself when I am happy, when I look good, when I am successful, when I am in a good mood and have a lot of energy.
At the same time I was hating myself for every mistake, for looking not as good as I wanted to, for saying something stupid, for being tired/angry/upset/jealous.
I always had to have a reason for loving myself. In fact, I got used to being treated this way during my childhood so much, that I started to implement it in my adult life. Realising this was hard. But now when I know it, I can start working on it.
First, I began with learning how to support myself, how to make myself feel better when I am not at my best, how to give myself everything I was always trying to get from others. This helped me to start feeling loved by myself for the first time in my life.
Please, remember that the definition of love is different for everyone. We already have this thing called "love language". So please communicate your needs, tell you partners/family/friends what you need and what they can do to make you feel loved.
Now, let's get back to unconditional love I mentioned earlier. What is this mysterious thing? Love without conditions? Absolutely right!
You love someone unconditionally when you accept person as he/she is, without any judgment. When you don't love someone for being smart, beautiful, successful, funny. You love them just because they exist, they are present in your life. It’s one of the best gifts you could give to another person.
I wish you all to have such experience in your life.
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do you really know yourself?
Before the age of 22 I have never asked myself this question. I thought that it should be obvious. Like how can I not know someone I spent my entire life with?
But in the reality, it turned out I knew literally nothing about myself.
My self discovering journey started when I took a Social phycology course at the university. The first thing I did during that course was taking 16 personalities test, I also read some good books during that time. One of them was - "Games people play" by Eric Berne, definitely recommend. Back then I could not even imagine how bad I know myself.
Now 3 years later, I can confidently say I know myself more than ever, and it had a huge positive impact on my life. Only when I started realising the reasons behind my choices and certain behaviour, I started taking responsibility and was able to take control of my life. But I need to say, that there are still a lot of things I have to learn. Recently I have came to a fascinating conclusion: we came here to learn who we are and this is a lifelong process.
In case you are still questioning yourself "do I know who am I ?" , there are some signs, that will tell you - you don't. These signs are:
you feel lost, you don't know what you should do in life;
you have low self-esteem and believe everything people say about you;
its hard for you to make even smallest decisions;
you have no goals or dreams;
you hate being alone.
In case you find yourself having some of these signs, you can start your self discovering journey by asking yourself these questions:
What are my values?
What matters to me?
What are my desires and why?
What are my needs?
What are my fears?
What are my strengths and weaknesses?
What my definition of success/love/friendship/happiness is?
What makes me angry?
What makes me sad?
What makes me happy?
The better you know yourself the happier life you would have. Please, keep this in mind.
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protect your energy
I have always been sceptical when hear someone speaking about "protecting your energy". What is this energy, who is trying to steal it from me and why?
And unfortunately (for people like me, who tend to believe to something ONLY if they see it with their own eyes) there are some things, that cannot be seen. The only way to experience them is to feel them. And this is exactly the way it works with energy.
The first time when I realised I felt this " negative energy" of another person was when during the conversation I felt like I am slowly getting plunged into darkness radiated by this person. Once the conversation was over, I felt that my energy level dropped significantly. This feeling was so new and bizarre.
Have you ever felt exhausted both mentally and physically after talking to this particular person? If yes, congratulations, most probably you are dealing with a negative energy person.
The good news is, that I will help you to understand what this negative energy is. Lets start with some signs of negative energy that I personally experienced:
when person is complaining a lot,
constantly having negative self talk,
criticising others,
focusing only on problems,
permanently being annoyed
and only focus on self-gain.
Okay, so now you will ask me "what are the ways to protect your energy from such negative people?". And I have an answer prepared for you ;)
First of all. Remember, it's you and only YOU who can choose what kind of day you want to have today and how you want to feel. So please, don't give to other people this incredible power to ruin your day. If you made a decision to have a wonderful day, they can do nothing to change it.
Be grateful. Pay more attention to good things happening in your life. You can try starting a gratitude journal. I have been having it for couple of months already and I have to say, it definitely had a positive impact on my life.
Another good way to deal with a negative person is to ignore his/her negative behaviour. Once I stopped constantly trying to find solution to never ending problems or giving reaction to negative self talk by trying to make this person feel better, I welt so relieved. I literally felt I was in control of my energy and I did not want to let it just slip away from me.
Protect your energy. Give all this care, support, gentle and beautiful words to yourself first and only then to others. It works in exactly the same way as with an oxygen mask on an airplane. Take care of yourself first, so you have the energy to take care of others.
I hope this helped someone.
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took myself on a date
Today is Saturday and I was getting ready to go out to explore a beautiful Prague, where I moved only a week ago.
Just to make it clear, I have a roommate and usually I invite her to join me when going outside. But this time I felt like I wanted to have some "me time". And I thought: "it seems like I am taking myself on a date". And if you say: "I am going on a date". No-one will ever ask you to join you or will not feel sad about not being invited.
At this moment I realised, that I am actually taking myself on a date every time I am going somewhere alone. I am doing things I like, visiting places I like and spend this time the way I like.
But I was not always enjoying this alone time they way I do now. I used to be so scared of being alone, was terribly upset when my friends did not invite me to spend some time with them. I was literally waiting all day for someone to call me.
Only now I can see the reason behind it. I did not know myself. At all. I also did not like myself, which was making the situation even worse. But I was not able to realise it back then.
So if it's hard for you to spend time alone. You can start changing it just by first understanding what you like and what makes you feel good. I learned that I like dancing, painting (I am not good at any of those, but it does not stop me from doing it haha), walking and taking pictures of random things, taking care of myself, reading or for example journaling. Maybe you can try some of these things and see how it makes you feel.
Once you feel good just being alone with yourself, you will experience this amazing feeling of freedom. Trust me.
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your experience is unique
Recently I have heard something, that really changed my perception of myself. Its so amazing, how your whole vision of the world can be changed by one simple phrase.
Every person has unique experience, that he or she gained throughout the life.
Please, read it again and really think about it.
We usually tend to believe, that other people are seeing the world exactly the same way as we are. But this idea is leading us to an illusion, that we can predict the reaction of others, their thoughts and motives. But we can't.
When I realised, that there is no-one on the earth, that will be able to see the world exactly the same way as I do, it just blew my mind. But as a person with a creative personality at that moment I realised, that only because of it, we are able to create absolutely unique things.
I always used to think, that some of my realisations or ideas is something well known to others. But this was such a big confusion. I truly believe, we should share our experiences, things that inspire us, surprise us, and helps us understand the world better or simply expand our picture of the world more often.
I used to be very upset about some parts of my past regretting things and trying to find someone to blame. But all that little things made me who I am right now. I don't know this girl well yet, but the more I learn, the more I am starting to fall in love with her.
Try to learn something new about yourself today. But be careful, there is a huge chance you can fall in love with yourself.
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it’s okay to be indecisive
Decisions. I was always questioning myself "Is it only me, who struggles with making decisions so much?". Sometimes I spend hours in the shop desperately trying to choose that perfect shampoo or a hairdryer. And the more significant decision is, the more anxious and stressed I feel.
First thing I want to highlight - its okay to be indecisive, please remember it. I found out there are so many people out there, who are like me struggling with making smallest decisions in their life.
Growing up with a mother that would make all decisions for me, I never thought it would have such a huge impact on my life. But it did. So if you are having difficulties with making decisions, maybe you did not get a chance to make your own ones and learn how to trust yourself. Think about it.
If it is your case - don't worry, now is a time for some self-discovery. Start with learning what you like and don't like and slowly begin to make decisions for yourself. Start with the smallest ones. By the time, it will help you to understand yourself better, will boost your confidence and very important - will help you master decision making.
Another reason for being indecisive can be a fear of failure. I am personally struggling a lot with this one. So if you are considering any mistake to be your personal failure, you are not alone here. I would like to remind you - its okay to make mistakes. I believe, that learning from your own mistakes is one of the best ways to grow.
Sometimes you may feel lost. You may not know if you should quit university, move to a different city or simply order that pizza you have never tried before. Ant its okay. It's okay to be unsure, it's okay to fail or to not be perfect. After all, life is so beautiful with all its imperfections. And please remember - decision does not have to always be wrong or right.
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