too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much.

I think too much. I say too much. I feel too much. I eat too much. Everything is just too much lately.

I just want to shrink myself into a ball and not be seen.

11/11/20

i don‘t know how to ask for help

i guess i have an aiddiction to self harm

felt bad yesterday felt bad today

missing an annual traditional dinner for the first time since we started doing it which was like..... at least eight years ago, just because i cant drag myself out of bed

not me feeling a deep deep spiral coming right during the holidays

i can’t stop thinking abt something my therapist was telling me about my bpd

he was saying how as a kid i was so scared about how intense my emotions were and how convinced i was that there was something wrong with me and just... all these other things, that i couldn’t dare tell anybody about it. i was so scared so i just kept it all to myself and i made myself deal with it alone for years and years and years

and my reaction to that is just, oh my god, i could’ve reached out for that? it has never crossed my mind in my twenty years of living that as a kid i could have reached out to someone about it. not once did it ever occur to me that these feelings weren’t right and that i couldve gotten help sooner. these feelings were so real to me and i was so convinced that they were the truth that i never thought there was anything i could do about them. i just thought there was something wrong wrong wrong with me and it was all my fault and that was it. and the longer that happened the worse it got, and now i’m here. and i used to think like oh i dont have anything really traumatic that’s happened to me bc i havent dealt with ab/use or anything like that, but as soon as he said that i just.. i had repressed that so bad for so many years. it was completely locked away until he said that, and now im remembering all the shit from when i was young and beating myself up for feeling so much and thinking i was some weird unlovable kid that nobody wanted and couldnt even go to a playground with thinking that everyone there was after me, they all know me and they all hate me and they don’t want me here they don’t want me here they don’t want me here

and like, i dont really know. idrk what the point of this post was. my therapist told me that it was traumatizing enough for me to lock those feelings up and my brain stored it away and not once did i ever think twice about it. and now i remember it all and all i want to do is cry

i’ve read plenty of posts about how trauma or seriously emotionally impactful events can affect your brain in such a way that you really truly forget those memories, and i would always think man thats terrible, i havent been through anything like that but thats gotta be so hard, and now that im realizing thats something thats happened to me im just... i feel so guilty. why didnt i do better

i usually dont feel sentiments like this, but i want to take the little girl i used to be and tell her im so so sorry

she shouldnt have had to deal with that so young all alone

I found + stole this off of facebook and thought y'all would appreciate it ah ha ha ha ha

i can only do so much

What’s holding me back ? Why havent I ended my life…