I wish my mind was a more organized place to be

I cant go long without losing track of what i was thinking about. Theres too many things to sort through before i can even begin to smile (not that i have many reasons to). Theres about approximately one person that cares about me at the moment. And theyre never going to see this. Perhaps thats why they still care, though i dont understand why. I dont really know where im going with this. I just need to dump some things out i guess, not sure what exactly. Maybe everything. Maybe just a few minor details about my day. Maybe i need a fresh start. A reset button. But im not sure id want to start again at all. This post is all over the place. But i guess thats okay, its not like anyones going to see it. I feel lost now, speechless. But theres so much more for me to say, i have an entire universe worth of complex thoughts and feelings, i dont think theres any language that could speak them.

Someone very important to me told me something that i dont think i was ready to hear. I needed it, yes, but that didnt make it any easier to hear. Being told by your favorite person that, 'you need to learn to be happy alone', isnt exactly the easiest thing to take. But i know its true, im not going to deny it. I cant stand to be alone. This is coming from someone with huge abandonment issues and multiple mental disorders. I know i have stuff i need to work on. I know i have problems and i know they dont make sense sometimes. That i dont make sense sometimes.

But those are the times i need someone there the most.

Am i the only one that gets words/sentences stuck in their head? Like its just on repeat and sometimes you just keep repeating it out loud for no reason. Like it doesnt have to be something someone said or anything, doesnt have to apply to you, anything. Just some random ass word or phrase. Or is it just me?

Ive been thinking a lot about stars lately.

Were all made of stardust, correct? And when you look at the sky, do you ever notice that some dont stay lit or as bright constantly. They dont have enough gas to be as bright as they can all the time.

So then why is it so unexceptable when i start to burn out? I cant run all the time. Nobody can. The stars flickering in the sky makes it more beautiful. Why is it when i flicker its a burden, a problem. Something nobody else wants to deal with.

S o m e t i m e s i f e e l l i k e b u r n i n g o u t