Here I am

I struggle with talking about my own feelings. I realized that it's an unhealthy trait to have so I thought I'd give blogging a go. I'm not here to become anyone's inspiration or muse, but I hope that my jumbled up words will reach someone who might be the same as me and won't feel alone anymore.

I think that's the most dangerous feeling we can have- not being lonely, but feeling alone. Having to process thoughts and feelings without understanding where they're coming from and not being able to make them stop. Not having anywhere to put them so they all just hit you like a freight train that doesn't have an end. My anxiety has gotten so bad lately. I feel like I'm constantly just waiting for a wave to stop drowning me and before I have a chance to come up for air, another one is pushing me deeper. It lingers and I don't know what it feels like to feel just OKAY. I just want to be able to sit down for a few minutes and enjoy the life going on around me. I feel like the only feeling that belongs to me is this never ending cycle of "it'll pass, just get through this, you always get through this". I don't feel like trying anymore. I don't want to keep waiting for the next episode because they only get worse. I don't even know what happiness feels like without the help of a chemical or substance. I've darkened any memories I've ever had and I don't think I can ever get them back. "Make more memories" I don't want to. "Find your happiness" HOW? How do you guys do it? How do you start being "happy" and what even is it? I'm not exhausted, but goddamn it. I'm worn out.

And no, this isn't a cry for help. This is a thought process.