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kromlock · 1 year

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A transcript of my relationship with JK Rowling

Joanne: Hey kid, would you like a decent children’s book? It’s a little dark but it’s also a fun quirky story about a magic school.

Me: Oh hey, I like lots of those things! Hey, this is pretty good for the stuff that’s usually aimed at my age group!

Joanne: Yes, cool. Here’s a sequel. It’s foreshadowing some political intrigue and has a gut wrenching portrayal of the horrors of slavery, but I swear it’s still for kids.

Me: Oh wow, this is even better than the first! Hey, you’re a pretty good mystery writer too.

Joanne: Why, thank you! Now this next one gives Harry some deep backstory.

Me: Wow, I love this! You did a great job shattering the illusion that James was such a great guy!

Joanne: I beg your pardon?

Me: Well, I mean, you kind of outed James as the bully, and like even though it doesn’t excuse his behavior at all, Snape was right about Harry’s dad.

Joanne: ……huh.

Me: And I loved the disability rights theme so much I didn’t notice the part where the central character in the disability metaphor then turns his condition into a deadly liability in a boarding school. Or the skin crawling ideological implications of that.

Joanne: Hold on a second. I have to do something.

Me: What’s up?

Joanne: Just jotting down notes. Snape…. Was… Right….

Me: Well I didn’t mean it like THAT…

Joanne: Skin crawling… ideological…. Implications…. Okay, all done. By the way, here’s an extra long book!

Me: WHOA HOLY HELL does the shit hit the fan here! The bad guy’s back in action, the government is Fucking Horrible, and the Avengers are assembling. And that gleam of triumph in Dumbledore’s eye! I bet you’re going somewhere great with that! God I can’t wait to find out what happens next. It’s just… umm… a couple things.

Joanne: Yeah?

Me: Why did it have to be so long? And I like plot twists and all but this was just weird and convoluted.

Joanne: No, but you see, more is better.

Me: Huh. I guess I see your reasoning there. But another thing I just realized. This is a bad school.

Joanne: Excuse me?

Me: It’s a death trap and the faculty is incompetent.

Joanne: Dumbledore is a legendary sorcerer, philosopher, and warrior!

Me: But that doesn’t make him a good teacher! That’s a completely different skillset!

Joanne: And about the death trap! That’s because of Voldemort. He does evil things.

Me: Voldemort didn’t resurrect an ancient blood sport for children. The first event was throwing teenagers one by one into an arena with a pissed off dragon to just see what happens.

Joanne: They were all supposed to be of age, and the binding magic contract-

Me: They couldn’t just rewrite the contract? Do they have to use the exact same cursed artifact that they used thousands of years ago, with the only guard around it having easy exploits?

Joanne: ….

Me: Come to think of it, the other books were pretty fucked up too. It’s quicker to list the school years where someone doesn’t die on campus.

Joanne: I-

Me: And I don't mean "Old Professor Giddyfart passed away in his sleep last night. He was 239 years young." I mean "Our star pupil was murdered in cold blood by Wizard Hitler during our international child bloodsport tournament."

Joanne: Technically that was off-campus.

Me: "Last year our students almost had their souls stolen by undead horrors that were posted here -at a fucking school- because that’s a good idea. This was minutes after almost being mauled by our werewolf on staff."

Joanne: They were only there because they thought a convicted-

Me: "Oh, that was also the same day we had a former Nazi combatant come to lop off the head of a hippogriff who actually did maul another student for the dreadful crime of not paying attention in class.”

Joanne:

Me: "Oh and the year before it turned out we just kinda had a basilisk in the plumbing and it kept turning students to stone, it was really annoying, totally disrupted the curriculum”

Joanne: But that was because-

Me: "Oh and the year before that one of our teachers was possessed by the still-living shade of Wizard Hitler. He set a troll loose in the school to try and steal our Bring-Shades-Back-To-Life Macguffin. We just figured it was the safest place because our unhinged headmaster is fucking Hercules, Perseus, and Theseus rolled into one. He could've taken a sabbatical to guard it without putting children in harm’s way, but he's just that quirky!"

Joanne: Well, perhaps Dumbledore isn’t all perfect-

Me: "What's that? Oh yeah, it's guarded by goddamn Cerberus, and a series of challenges even more dangerous than goddamn Cerberus. But don't worry, we sealed the door with a spell that a first year student can unlock."

Joanne: What are you getting at?

Me: Where’s the lawsuits? Absolutely nothing was done to rein Dumbledore in. Well, except for once and it was the one time the danger wasn’t his fault and it was at the behest of the bad guys and swiftly overturned.

Joanne: Government regulation?

Me: And what the fuck was with that “Hermione is an idiot for being against slavery” thing? That made me feel icky.

Joanne: Well, I will be right back!

Me: Oh, okay.

Me: Maybe that was a bit rude. Every story has its flaws.

Me: ….

Me: Wow, Lord of the Rings is really good.

Joanne: Here’s book 5! Harry Potter and the Reason Government Regulation Is Bad

Me: Uh… this is quite a bit longer than the last one.

Joanne: Yes.

Me: The one that I thought was way longer than it had to be.

Joanne: Yes.

Me: And I just read it, and like nothing happened in it. You took the shortest story so far and padded it out with a weird political manifesto.

Joanne: More is bette-

Me: And it’s not even good politics! Anyone but the most Randian hardcore libertarian would want to do something when a school actively contributes to the death of a student.

Joanne: Yeah but the person doing it is juuuuuust a fucking cunt.

Me: I mean, yeah I have to admit she was a pretty good villain. Kinda overshadows Voldemort though, you should really step up the menace in your main antagonist because all he’s done so far is get his ass kicked by a bunch of high school students.

Joanne: Ohhhh just you wait. Okay I’ll be right back.

Me: Oh, okay.

Me: I think we really connected that time.

Me: …..

Me: Huh, Revenge of the Sith was pretty good actually.

Joanne: Okay, this one is all about Voldemort. Also I heard you like Lord of the Rings, so you’re in for some good stuff!

Me: Do tell!

Joanne: So the One Ring was cool right?

Me: Oh yeah, it’s menacing as hell.

Joanne: Well Voldemort made SEVEN One Rings! You can One Ringify any object in this universe.

Me: …please tell me you gave it a name other than One Ring.

Joanne: I sure did! It’s called a Horcrux.

Me: ….Horcrux.

Joanne: You got it!

Me: …….so you can turn anything into a One Ring?

Joanne: You bet! And that diary from book 2 was a One Ring.

Me: Hey that’s a pretty cool retcon.

Joanne: Or maybe… I had it planned all along.

Me: No you didn’t.

Joanne: And just you wait, I have a big twist on those things coming in the next-

Me: It’s that Harry’s scar is a One Ring.

Joanne: …

Me: What? It’s kind of obvious.

Joanne: ….anyway they’re being super careful to make the school safe now so YOU’RE WELCOME. Plot hole fixed.

Me: This book ends with a bunch of Wizard Nazis infiltrating the school, assassinating the headmaster, spray painting a Wizard Swastika in the sky, trashing the place, and just walking out. So yeah, pretty safe. You know what, screw it. The movies are pretty good so I’ve tricked myself into still liking this shit. Hey, if you keep up your writing pace then Harry’s gonna graduate the same year I do! You gonna have the grand finale out in time?

Joanne: I sure am! Here it is, it’s more than worth the wait.

Me: WHOA now this is more like it! The last book was kind of a mess, but this? I love the dystopian setting and the breaking of the formula, and the moral complexity of Dumbledore, and you even managed to do some cool stuff with that Horcrux shit. And ohhh, the schoolgrounds are an actual castle so of course that’s where the final battle takes place, and it’s still fucked up that this is a school but that’s also pretty cool. And here’s the final confrontation, aaaaand…..

Joanne: And? And?

Me: …..what the hell was that ending?

Joanne: Excuse me?

Me: The bad guy dies on a weird wand ownership technicality? Not a whisper about freeing the slaves or undoing any of the other heinous shit the government does and permits? Harry names his son after the greasy incel who blew it with his mom when he shouted slurs at her and never got over it?

Joanne: Severus is a tragic figure who never stopped caring about the woman he loved!

Me: He held on to a creepy obsession with the idea of her while devoting his professional life to tormenting her surviving loved ones.

Joanne: He had to keep up appearances to fool Voldemort.

Me: He tried to poison a sensitive awkward child’s pet in front of his class, just because he could! Well before he was a blip on Voldemort’s radar! You know what, the movies have been doing a pretty good job cleaning up this mess so far, so I guess your job’s done. Oh, one more thing. I still don’t know what the hell was up with that gleam of triumph in Dumbledore’s eye?

Joanne: Oh, that’s a thing to do with his blood and Lily’s protection and the power of love and-

Me: You didn’t have anything planned, got it.

Joanne: Well, I never! I bid you farewell! And by the way, you were wrong! Harry’s scar wasn’t a One Ring! Harry’s SOUL was a One Ring!

Me: …okay, bye

Me: Say, the movies really did clean up that bullshit. You know, I think the series was pretty good after all.

Me: ……

Me: Well the new God of War was a pleasant surprise-

Joanne: BACK BEFORE PLUMBING WIZARDS SHIT THEMSELVES!

Me: Uh, what?

Joanne: THE AMERICAN TERM FOR MUGGLE IS “NO-MAJ”

Me: Is this a troll account?

Joanne: DID I MENTION TRANS PEOPLE ARE A BLIGHT?