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kitkipauli · 1 year

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[09/12/2022] Love, Love is a verb - Love is a doing word

There is this pressure in me - It's like my period is coming, like good things are around the corner, like I'm about to break through this hard time an arrive at the top of the mountain, adoring the view. It makes me go on bravely every day, looking forward to something I'm not even able to name.

But it is hard now, and it just feels so good to be able to say it out loud.

I really don't know what demons I'm battling right now, so much stuff just pops up daily. So many defense mechanism, so many labirynths inside me that I keep getting lost in.

How could I expect anyone to let me drag them through this hell with me?

I keep being so afraid of being alone I just lose myself in other people and let them be in command of my moods and decisions I make. Such a lazy, comfortable move.

I want to be quiet, hidden deep inside me and just exploring and drawing maps of my labirynths and traps constantly.

I want to be all about me, I want to be in love with myself and eager to get to know and explore everything I have to offer.

But I do want someone to be there for me with their hand stretched out, ready to help me get out of this tar pit of me.

My dark, broken beauty attracts people and then leaves them confused when I unmask in front of them for the first time.

I am not normal, I'll never be a bright, sunny manic pixie dream girl. The only person who deserves that kind of treatment is my lovely, lovely Girl.

She is my georgeous, soft companion - so full of light, so full of life.

So full of love for me, keeping me from flipping a Viginia Woolf on everyone and just disappearing into the dark water. She gives me all the space I need and never asks for more than I can give. She is so beautifully independent, but also wants me to be there for her, depends on my love, trusts me to take care of her whenever she needs it.

I adore these little moments when I'm just with myself freely, letting my thoughts and feelings seep through the cracks in my skull. They are so few, and so far apart.

I feel like if I had my little space I could write my poetry again and it brings me so much joy just to think about the potential of it.

God knows how I adore life When the wind turns on the shores lies another day I cannot ask for more

When the time bell blows my heart And I have scored a better day Well nobody made this war of mine

And the moments that I enjoy A place of love and mystery I'll be there anytime

Oh mysteries of love Where war is no more I'll be there anytime

When the time bell blows my heart And I have scored a better day Well nobody made this war of mine

And the moments that I enjoy A place of love and mystery I'll be there anytime

Mysteries of love Where war is no more I'll be there anytime

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kitkipauli · 2 years

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[07.11.2022 - JUST KNOW THAT IF YOU HIDE, IT DOESN'T GO AWAY]

Why did I leave this little piece (peace?) of mind alone for such a long time.

My horoscope keeps telling me I have trouble with my social life and routine, and that is so true. And it kinda feels like I have absolutely no control over it, I swear, I just keep waking up every day with the same feeling - in a haze, annoyed, isolated from the world. It feels like no one understands what I am going through, because I can't really put it into words and tell anyone about it, but also I don't really understand what everyone around me is going through.

And it hurts so much, to be alone - I depend on having people around me after all, it nurtures me and saves me. I keep reaching out, forcing myself into these social situations and hoping for positive experiences to build up my enthusiasm, and it turns out completely mentally draining and deathly exhausting every time.

Having things to do gives me a lot of energy and purpose - until one day it turns out to be the hardest chore in the world and makes me want to scream from frustration.

I wanna sleep, but I feel restless and anxious, I wanna do stuff to feel productive and alive and I feel so tired I can't think.

I don't know if it's my lifestyle that's at fault, if I really, desperately need therapy because it's something bigger than me, or if it's just a matter of taking more medication because it's my brain chemistry and there's nothing much I can do about that.

I hope my trip makes me happy and is not an anxiety-filled chore. I'm scared shitless that it will and I will have to face it in a foreign country, with a foreign person who doesn't understand.

I really, really want to end this on a good note, how does one do that?

I used to always (and by that I mean, a couple months ago) be able to find the good lessons in the hard situations, now everything is just scary and sad.

I hope I will be able to sleep this one off too.

Kind Regards,

Kalina Pauli

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kitkipauli · 2 years

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19/09/22 Lloyd I'm ready to be heartbroken

I kinda feel at peace, you know?

I have some wicked plan ahead of me, and feel like I can appreciate my current life more because it's not the end of the world if everything is not perfect or something pricks or itches me sometimes.

I really feel like an adult lately - a begginer expert at my job, a not-so-bad teacher, a kind friend. A lovely lover and a friendly partner. A thoughtful mother of two beatiful kittens.

I feel like I could achieve everything I put my mind to again, as long as I take care of myself enough.

I'm a swift leg lifter at pilates and I have managed to build an amazing flexibility that I always thought was impossible for my body (guess what, once again, as long as you try hard enough...)

The only thing I feel like I'm struggling with is falling back into my old habits - running after something or someone that feels unconvinced and unavailable to my heart. Those two blue eyes staring into my sould, unresponsive to my most cunning advances and sweet talk.

I really don't want to fall back into this pattern, and I feel everything in all of the Universe telling me - wait for your turn, baby, slow down and find the right moment. There were so many moments before, right? And they all led to this moment, when I'm comfortable and oh so close to getting to do something differently and all the while I am achieving my goals and living my dreams.

And it keep telling me - this iceberg will melt with time, and if it doesn't, then it means it wasn't yours to melt to begin with. I know I will get my prize anyway, it might just not be what I wished for and I might be very pleasantly surprised.

"I used to be free, I used to be seventeen"

I'm learning to remember that girl too, her dreams and wants. She was so right, I think she would be proud of me for getting where she wanted to be after all (and she would be surprised that she could be right at all, she was so lost back then). So many great ideas at such a young age, kudos to you baby!

I'm learning to heal her, and the validation helps. And I learn to be a good parent to her too, holding her in my arms and telling her she will be all right - and the best part is it's not just an empty promise, I know it!

Just this hard, warm callous around my heart is one thing that I don't know if I'll ever really get rid of. Never letting anyone get close enough to hurt me, because I trusted and hurt and trusted and hurt again.

"Everytime it hurts, it hurts just like the first,

And then you cry until there's no more tears"

I never let anyone leave, I leave first to avoid the pain. Even when nobody is leaving, I leave just in case. I distance myself from the bad and never get to feel the good in a hearty, genuine way. I don't know how to stop this vicious circle, but maybe if I stop loving strangers for being strangers and start taking more time to learn and befriend these stragers before I love somebody next time it might come out different this time.

Kind Regards,

Kalina

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kitkipauli · 2 years

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31/08/22 Lady from another grinning soul

It's so strange to deal with so many obstacles in your life, be somewhat successful at it (enough to survive) and internalize that feeling, that you're just lazy and crazy and weird.

Now I found someone, at 26 years old, who treated me seriously and it all turned out to be just an illness that can be kept under control easily with the right medication.

So if somebody paid attention before I could have had a completely different life? I feel like a neglected child, crying and pitying myself because nobody cared enough, nobody loved me enough. I wasn't worthy of the care and love.

So many symptoms I had as a child and I don't remember anything (I don't remember much from my life, really - thank you ADHD and C-PTSD!). I could have had so many memories, so many achievement. Such an easy life, seeing my levels of independence and intelligence.

Now I can probably get to have a full life, when more than a quarter of it has passed me by.

On a happier note, I never felt so powerful and so hopeful in my whole life. I feel immune. I'm not directionless and just wandering and surviving and letting life happen to me.

I love that little girl and I feel proud to be her caretaker now.

Kind Regards,

Kalina

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kitkipauli · 2 years

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30/08/22 Strange Overtones

The process got so big and complicated, that I can barely think and see and my head hurts everytime I try to sit here and write about it.

Makes me just wanna quit and run away, it's so tiring sometimes it makes me want to die.

I know it sounds grave, but I know these are just my natural reactions to being under such a huge pressure for a long time.

What do I wanna be? A housewife or a vagabond?

Is my depression going to come back and tear me apart? And will Iregret my decision to be a vagabond then?

Why is every decision in my life overshadowed by my fear of changes caused by my fear of depression? Will I ever be stable enough not to be afraid of it?

Am I irritated because my depression is starting again or is my life not comfortable for me anymore?

I am so afraid.

Kind Regards,

Kalina

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kitkipauli · 2 years

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27/08/22

What is it I want?

I really don't wanna tear my life apart chasing some mirages and wasted potentials.

How do I know when it's a mistical pull, a gut feeling and when it's just a strange delusion created by my traumatized brain?

Am I running away or am I running towards something? Should I run? When should I do it? How should I do it?

So many ideas proved perfect, and then I didn't have the energy to finish my wonderful, exciting projects anymore.

Then again, from every 'wasted' experience I got something that I carry with me until today, even if it was traumatizing or costed me a lot of money and energy.

I guess I just wanna fail and get back on my feet again over and over again and learn from my experiences.

I guess that my stable, comfortable home life can't give me that, that's why I feel this pull toward some new me.

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kitkipauli · 2 years

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20/08/22 Sometimes you're the lamb, sometimes the wolf

However long this situation is going to last, I intend to learn from it.

It's nice to realise you're not all-knowing and always right for once - it really is a much better feeling than expected, although quite bittersweet.

I have realised that there exist realms beyond my own and that is - I get really lost in my defences, in my needs, in my perspective.

Sometimes I'm really cruel and selfish - and sometimes in the past I would know it and I would choose to ignore it, I would cause other people pain for my own gain. I do feel very ashamed of it. I have learned to push it to the back of my mind, so as not to change my perception of myself. I couldn't bear seeing myself as the opressor, someone bad and not the victim of circumstances. I will have to learn to face it and work through it, so I can truly be good.

Because the whole thing is, I wanna be good. I've done so much bad in my life, always convincing myself that it's for the sake of survival, that I was the victim there. Always depending on people not finding out about it or forgiving me for some reason.

I think I got that from my mother, that little bit of narcissism. And on top of that, a great conviction in my pain, one so amazing that I could convince others to forgive my sins.

Looking deeper into my so-called 'empathy' I find some more flaws in my logic - it really seems like my hightened sensitivity to other people's moods and emotions wasn't really caring about them, and responding to them or taking care of them wasn't a part of my natural altruismy. And then it dawns on me, oh so heavy in my belly and on my arms - I didn't really care, I was afraid of them and it was just a trauma response.

I can't say that I have never been altruistic in my life, and those moments come to me more and more often now, but I am still baffled by my own lack of self-awareness in such an important part of my life.

And really, I'm not trying to paint myself as a villain now, but I do have to be honest - I really think that I manipulate people emotionally, so they won't hurt me, so they will like me, so I can get their kindness etc.

I have learned this love-bombing and selfishness at home - my mother was a wounded child in need of constant support and love and at the same time feeling too unworthy to just keep someone by her side naturally.

My partner turned to look at me today, calmly and said something that really made me think, because he managed not to trip off any of my fear-of-abandonment-alarms that make me shut down and shut anyone out. And thankfully to him, I started this thought process, that I am convinced will make me a better person, a person truly giving and receiving love and feeling free in their relationships instead of like a scared rat digging through trash.

He said - It really makes sense what you feel and what you say, it really does. It's all very clear and logical, but it seems that you are lacking the perspecive of the other person.

And it dawned on me - I hardly ever do that. I don't really think about how people will feel, I only care when I have something to gain in a way.

I wanna be truly kind, I want that light beaming from me, I wanna feel as one, enlightened, open hearted. Like my dear friend whom I met not so long ago.

Would you imagine, that I befriended someone out of jealousy and then dumped them with no explanation, and more than once? Could you imagine I made people fall in love with me just so I wouldn't be alone/I would feel better about myself?

And the more I couldn't crack someone open, the more they were resistant to my lovebombing, to my unwavering niceness, to my grand gestures, the more I was intigued.

Of course, this is just a post to clear up some unpleasant things in my head, I'm not falling into the trap of self-pity - this is a great reason to observe myself and grow some gorgeous new habits on top of the jagged rocks of my trauma.

And judging by the wonderful people around me I can't be so bad anyway.

Kind Regards,

Kalina

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kitkipauli · 2 years

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18/08/22 There must be an angel

Watch out, gonna hit you with some song lyrics that spoke to me recently:

Don't take it for granted Love when you have it You might be looking over A lonelier shoulder Remember when we said We'd never have children I'm holdin' your baby Now that we're older

How time has revealed how Little we know us I've been too busy I should've noticed Days that keep slipping A life that I'm missing I wish it were true love I wish we were kissing

Show me a love that Won't ever leave or Look for another One to deceive I'm beginning to wonder If anything's real Guess we're just at the mercy Of the way that we feel

Alive with a past No other can share Alone with a heart No other can bear So give me some heaven Just for a while Make me eternal There in your smile

I am doing my best in this situation, but it's like barely walking up the flight of stairs on your fours when you should be running and skipping every second step - I lost all my energy for this matter.

And I feel bad, because someone else was not in this process for as log, because I made my best to keep them safe and comfortable, even when they didn't do the same to me and it was a great struggle. Now somebody who feels good in the situation sits there and doesn't understand why I am so far along that I don't see any hope anymore.

It's such a cruel feeling, like a betrayal (even though there were no impure intentions in any situation), that someone else made me see what I am missing - the emotional depth, the optimism, the mindfulness to details and a more romantic outlook. Somebody saw me and praised me out loud and found me interesting to talk to and feel with and it broke my heart.

Have I really made such a bad choice? Have I really gone wading through the waters so far I lost the sight of land?

I think it could partially be my drive to want something I can't have, but I can recall clearly how he did these things for me -did he realise that he can't go on doing these things (that he turns out to hate so much) forever? He won't admit to any of that, so all I can do is stay in the dark and wonder.

He turned it all around against me and I get such headaches when we argue that I just drop my head and give up on any explanations. I used to care so much about what he thinks about me that my heart would hurt.

He also said that he wouldn't let me leave with the cats, even though he said it clearly many times that he regrets having them and taking care of them alone would be too much, so I should take them. I guess it makes me sad, but it's also one less thing to worry about if I move abroad, so maybe that's a good thing.

We're also not splitting up, so no need to think about that.

I know that it sounds like I already made up my mind, but I cry like a baby everytime I say even a word about not being with him. I have to remember that I'm a runner sometimes - and there's a lot to be deeply hurt about here so I have to stop myself and force my fighter mode on again.

I feel tangled and helpless again, like I can't breath, and no amounts of self care and talking to anyone helps.

You took my sadness out of context At the Mariners Apartment Complex I ain't no candle in the wind

Kind Regards,

Kalina

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kitkipauli · 2 years

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16/08/22 Come on, Vogue

How can someone feel so lost yet so guided?

How can you feel free and grounded at the same time?

I can feel mighty, powerful, like a great big mystical witch in charge of her destiny, yet I am still a little frightened girl walking in a misty forest with no path underneath her feet.

It helps getting my shit together to help others get to their goal, and it really helps when our goals align.

I think I just really wish that someday I wouldn't have to change so much to be loved, to be wanted, to be thought about seriously.

I really do wanna feel wanted someday and not fight to be noticed, not fight with porn or work or other women for my chosen one's attention.

I want to be wanted, I want to be appreciated and I want someone to speak loudly of how lucky they feel to have me. I want someone who wants a romantic, exciting life with me. Someone to believe in me as much as I believe in them, enthusiatic about our life together.

Someone to watch me grow and then say "You make me the happiest person on earth, I wanna marry you someday and have a beautiful life with you for as long as we can"

'Cause I would do it all for them, all I need is reciprocity.

Someone who is not intimidated by my enthusiasm, who can appreciate the gifts, the care and thought I can give someone, if they just show me how much they can appreciate it.

It's not really anything, just wanted to show my grief I guess.

Grief for a girl, who had the world to give, and tried giving it to all the wrong people.

Sincerely yours,

Kalina

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kitkipauli · 2 years

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16/08/22 Everything will be alright

It's a weird conviction to have, right?

Even when everything around you is changing rapidly and could possibly be falling apart - I think I always had it in me to feel that way (even before taking antidepressants, surprisingly.).

Calm, powerful, collected - lucky, almost - in charge of the good and bad things coming my way. It's like my trauma equipped me to deal with the worst, and the worst feels like it's already behind me anyway.

It's a true blessing to have this purple crystal light inside you, that attracts all the right people to come your way and bless you with the stability and peace of a real friendship. Having the best family in the world is a really empowering feeling and I'm glad it happened later in life, so that I can appreciate it more.

My s.o. said today, when I told him about my dreams and plans - I feel like I'm not really included in them, like you're dumping me preemptively, like you're saying " In two years time it's over, but let's push through it until then" and the truth is - the way he is now, he is not. I don't want to drag anyone not constructive about their happiness, depending on me to feel good, along with me on an adventure of a lifetime. It reminds me so much of being the loving, caring parent and support system for my mum my whole life, the person to lash out on when your life goes to shit. I know it's probably a pattern that I lead myself into over and over again, but the truth is he was such a strong, independent person, troubled king of self-care, in therapy, making all the right decisions and LETTING me join him on this adventure of growing up with him. I don't feel like he has this choice anymore, and maybe it's my fault, maybe I convinced him to depend on me somehow. But I also want to feel like even if I got myself into this reflection of my relationship with my mum and all the other broken relationships I was in, I have the right to get myself out of that situation.

It really feels like he wants a compromise on this, like he either wants us to stay or go somewhere that's good for both of us, but neither of us sees any option regarding where that place could be. I really can't see how we could compromise so that either one of us is completely unhappy or both are half happy and half not.

He said it clearly once, when I told him about wanting to plan our future together, how I wanted to make a safe haven, a home together - he doesn't want to make plans that way, he doesn't want to make any declarations regarding our future. It worried me and broke my heart. I'm a hopeless romantic, a person of passion and grand gestures, and it really felt like I had to resign from this part of me to be kept in this suspension. Are we dating or adopting furry babies together? Are we domestic partners or just in it for the good times?

He didn't want to promise me anything, but he would like me to give up on any dreams not including him by my side. I really don't see how that's fair, but then are people ever fair and unselfish?

It's a heavy feeling, to fight for someone for so long, that when they finally start doing all the things for themselves you feel empty, you just don't feel anything about it anymore.

And then I have my kindred soul, and her love feels so pure sometimes. She trusts me and I trust her. She want to see me for who I really am and I want to protect the parts of her that people around want to change, so she's more 'palatable'. We both want to see each other strong and thriving, but don't reject the moments when we're small and weak and going through the hardest moments of our lives. We take care of ourselves first, and then each other second, and it gives us both such freedom. She wants to go where I go, and I want to go with her because we really, truly know how to communicate discomfort and receive critique with empathy.

My s.o. doesn't understand why I'm on a second place in his life and he's on third in mine. The thing is, men tend to come and go and take from my resources, and wreak havoc and I'm used to the fact, that maybe I won't find my forever roommate to grow old with - and I'm fine with that, because I have real friends. And for him his only closest, most intimate friends were his partners.

It's sad to leave someone so lonely after many, many years together (especially since he regrets adopting our furry babies and doesn't want to stay alone with them, so he truly will have an empty home one day) but I'm doing my best not to make that my responsibility and not make this a reason to stay. I remind myself - I am not a nurse, I am not a caretaker, I am not a mother ("I am no mother, I am no bride" suddenly makes sense) I am my own mother and I am just a person who fights everyday to be alive and living in peace and happiness.

Such a cliche, this diary entry. I am a big sap sometimes, but I'm learning to love that everyday.

Funnily, that's something that my s.o. doesn't like about me as well.

Kind Regards,

Kalina

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kitkipauli · 2 years

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16/08/22 DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT

I had a very emotionally productive day today, counting from midnight.

Had a long talk with both sides of a wounded relationship and even found a moment to appreciate how amazingly unique and strong my beautiful kindred soul is.

She also helped me realise, that while my dreams are encouraging and help me get my life back on a track, making them into plans require dedication and preparation.

I am willing to do that. And because of that I had to have a meaningful, honest conversation with a person that depepends on my plans a lot.

I can't say that he took it well, but in the end he still showed me a lot of understanding and it amazes me still, how much of a supportive friend he can be in tough situations.

And we both had a very sad realisation - first of all, he was happy with the life we have, and I'm really not. How much I mould myself to other people's needs and expectations scares me. I made all of my partners as happy and comfortable as they could be, while making myself more miserable every day. They all took the break-ups really hard after that, and I'm really not surprised - I only felt bad that I was finally free.

Second of all my needs and the dreams I have are completely not compatible and very much the opposite of his, so we will have to part ways someday.

We both cried about that fact.

But today was a good day, and it's also a part of growing pains I guess.

Kind Regards,

Kalina

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kitkipauli · 2 years

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14/08/22

Ever since I remember I would wish for a happy ending - a forever together and happily ever after.

I would ignore wrong beginnings, and I would convince myself that ignoring things that weren't feeling right all throughout was just growing and challenging myself.

Then I would eventually grow tired of the differences, of my partners' untreated illnesses and long periods of difficulties and I would grow angry, distant and full of despise for them, myself and the relationships.

I would eventually be so empty I would be completely detached and would move on.

I want a happy life after all - I now know that I deserve it and I believe it deeply.

I keep looking for people to change me, to make me happy, and whole and feeling fulfilled - I even look for that feeling in people that used to make me miserable once, remembering only the good in them and disregarding potential pain - only looking for a next safe stop to be with someone.

I wanna learn how to live my life without any romantic attachments, how to find my own worth in the world and live my life just surrounded by my closest chosen family.

Problem I guess is the financial part of living alone - the roommates, not sharing the cost of your life, depending on the decisions and kindness of people who might choose living with their significant others themselves and leave you to fend for yourself.

Also the social aspect of not being with someone is hard - the overwhelming message, that you need 'your other half', that 'world was made for two and only worth living if somebody is loving you'.

I crave the domesticity sometimes, but it seems more and more that it's just my way of healing the child inside of me that didn't have it in her life and missed having a full family most of her life.

My inner child is being healed and pampered in other ways though - and I'm proud to say I am doing it all by myself these days with a little help from my friends.

Trying my best to stay away from situations that make me go back to old habits and cause me relive the same old, toxic patterns over and over again, and it's very hard these days to differentiate between my intuition leading me to people and situations and my mental illness and the need to care for other sick people all the time.

I haven't really found a way to start my therapeutic road towards healing all the wounds from my dearest father not being in my life and my mother's narcissism shaping my whole adult personality.

I have found my amazing friends, who became my family and truly healed my soul, gave me all the foundations for building any self-esteem at all and supported me through getting my life on a right track so that I could be a happy, healthy adult. They even gave me more than they had sometimes, and I believe I did my best to repay them for that.

I have recently also had an amazing chance to heal one part of me that has been ripped out by my upbringing - a heart of my soul that left an empty, gazing black hole in my chest for forever - my spiritual life. I have rediscovered my beliefs, my light and energy and felt so much more power in my femiininity and in the way I believe my I can influence the way my future goes.

I still need to process all of that, and it may take a long time, but I think I'm on a good track with this internet diary.

Kind Regards,

Kalina

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