sometimes a pony gets depressed

I’ve been depressed for a while.  I mean. I guess I’ve always carried some kind of baggage with me. I’ve probably needed therapy for a long time, but I’ve never had a therapist.  I’ve been on anti-depressants, but it was a minuscule dose and I never really felt a perceptible difference. 

Each time the prescription was about to run out, I had to go to my pharmacy, and they had to fax my GP, who faxed them back? I think? Then I had to go back and pay a chunk of money, even after my student insurance covered 70% of it (iirc). On top of not perceiving any difference, going through these stilly hoops, and still paying a decent amount of money, my poor ass eventually just stopped taking the meds (self-inflicted poorness btw). 

I guess I thought that since I was graduating soon, I’d get a job in my field, things would fall into place, and I’d be ok. That... has not happened so far. 

And there’s not much to look forward to

.  I don’t have close friends 

(my fault for pushing ppl close to me away, not replying to messages, being socially awkward/introverted/anxious/shy however you want to slice it)

I don’t have money 

(my fault for being too lazy to get a job while in school and spending all my savings on rent, and misc. purchases) 

The dating scene is even more sparse than it was when I lived in the city 

(moved back home with the ‘rents to stop my wallet from bleeding and // it was the only way to get my ex to also move out of the studio apartment that we shared for 9 months post-break up. yup. also no rizz/no $ isn’t good for dating)

I don’t feel completely supported at home 

Maybe this will sound like my blaming others for part of my depression. but whatever. idc, it’s what I feel. About a year ago I realized that I am likely on the autism spectrum. I brought it up one day to my mom and we had a discussion on why I thought this way and some of my behaviours as a child. Even talked about that time in 4th grade when me and some of my peers were separated from our regular class to do some learning assessments or sth. Some were diagnosed with learning disabilities while the assessors noticed some peculiarities in me but nothing ever came of it. good masking, I guess. Anyway, that conversation was great, but since then neither of us has ever mentioned it again. Similar story with my depression. A few years ago, it eventually got to a point where it had to be addressed, and I had some conversations with her about it. It was easy to see it was hard on her. Maybe I should give her more slack. I can tell she tries in her own way to cheer me up. But it’s hard when the last conversation that we had about my depression ended with her reassuring me that she would check in every few days with me. And that conversation was... 1.5 years ago? 2? I guess she did check in with me about it a few weeks ago. But I was already too closed off by then. My brother is open to conversation but our worldviews are a bit different and historically I haven’t felt supported by him in the ways I would like to be supported. Always very solution-based with solutions that I do not vibe with, for that matter. My dad is very kind, but not very ‘emotionally available’, as they say. My sister is great for the support I require, but even she has a lot that she’s dealing with and I don’t want to push all my baggage onto her. So after cycling through all of that, it comes back to me having to get myself out of this hole somehow.

I don’t even know what happened to this formatting.

Just trying to get through the day doing different things because I am not finding joy in my usual things which is a bit concerning. I am reading a little more, though, which is good. And trying to get away from doomscrolling. 

Well. Maybe I feel a little better. Idk.

What else...

idk just being a poor, undiagnosed neurodivergent adult with no close frens just isn’t it. bleh.

At least I have things that I want to do in life still, food, a home, a family, etc. Could always be worse...

Dangerous McDonalds and Halloween Manslaughter

So I actually meant to write about this in the last entry.  But that turned into a different kind of rant. But it’s about the same teacher.  Again, he‘s a good guy, but sometimes he says and does things that just feel out of place. 

For example, during one of our recent classes, we were teaching the kids about ordering from a fast food place in English.  We teach two classes of first years and in the first class we taught, everything went as expected.  But in the second class, a few hours later, while we were introducing the topic, he diverged a bit and asked the class if they’ve been to McDonald's.  Most, if not all of them said yeah.

Then he talked about the time he went to McDonald's in America, which he didn’t do in the other class.  Maybe because we had so much extra time at the end of the other class, so this would be a way to fill some of that time that we’d inevitably get in this class too.  The McDonald's he went to was in Boston.  He then told the students that there was a some guys there that gave a dangerous vibe.  He looks to me to quickly catch me up on his story in English and says “I felt danger!"  So I’m thinking "Oh shit, well what happened?” Well apparently nothing happened because he just skipped to the next part of the story.  Like that danger thing had nothing to do with the rest, haha. 

Anyway, next, he said he ordered a hotdog.  Which is interesting because now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever noticed any hotdogs at any McDonald's that I’ve been to. Not that I don’t believe he ordered a hotdog there; there very well may have been hotdogs there.  It was a while ago, and maybe the McDonald's America menu had hotdogs there.

(actually, I just googled it.  So. Funny stuff.  The first location that is mentioned on the McHotDog page on wikia is Japan, where they were sold from 1990 - 2004.  They were apparently also sold for a brief period at the Skydome and the Zoo in Toronto.  As far as America goes, only central Pennsylvania is mentioned as carrying them, and even that sounds rare.  But.. we’ll just go along with the story)

SO.  He got this hotdog. And he claims that it was over a foot long. Yeah.. Apparently McDonald’'s in Boston sold a huge hotdog over a foot long.  He was really putting a lot of emphasis on how long it was.  twss

And I just have this incredulous look on my face during the story.  He finishes it with the cherry on top and tells the students that it tasted really bad.  And he couldn’t finish it because it was too big.

Anyway, back to the lesson, kids.  Yay McDonald’'s America.

Another time that he said something really strange and out of place was when we were doing a Halloween lesson for the same classes, the first year kids.  I like Halloween and holiday classes.  They’re fun.  But what he decided to tell the students.. idk man haha

This one isn’t as fresh in my mind because it was months ago, but before we started my Halloween lesson, he was talking to the class about Halloween.  During his talk  he told the story of the Japanese 16 year old exchange student in America, Yoshihiro Hattori, who got shot and killed for showing up to the wrong house for a Halloween party.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a very serious topic.  But there is a time and a place to discuss that.  And I don’t think it’s during my Halloween class just before my fun Halloween bingo game.  Like, the situation itself is barely related to Halloween.  And there’s no natural way to thread it into what I’m going to do in my lesson, so, yeah.  That was great.  Yay.  Halloween. Fun. Candy. Costumes. Innocent Japanese exchange students getting shot.  One of these things is not like the other.

idk man

that's my rant for now

teaching, teaching, fun, fun

The Japanese teacher that I teach English to the first years with this year (last year we taught the third year students together) is a nice guy.  And you can tell he has a format for how he likes to teach.  He likes things done a certain way.  Which is good at times, but slightly frustrating at others.  It's good because he takes a lot of responsibility for the class, so I don't have to plan too much.  Which I welcome because the teacher I teach the second years with doesn't plan anything so I have to take full responsibility for that.  And the third year classes are about half and half.  So in general, it's a good balance.  TBH actually, I still have a lot of free time at work, which is one reason I'm typing this.  ANYWAY back to the first year teaching situation.  It's good that I don't have to plan too much.  Usually just a 15-ish minute activity. 

But as he really likes things done a certain way, he'll go through the activity or worksheet I propose and sometimes totally revamp it.  To be fair, some of the time he does improve the activity.  After all, he's been teaching for longer than I've been alive.  Buuuut sometimes it just takes the fun out. 

Like for example, last week the students had just finished learning how to say dates.  Like March twelfth, September second, January thirty-first, etc. Last year, and the year before, I did an activity with the first year students where they make groups of 4, and we give each group a full year calendar with a month on each page.  So 12 pages in total for each group.  On the calendar pages, there are celebrities' real birthdays.  On each page there are about 6 or 7 give or take. Most groups divvy up the pages so each person will have 3 pages.  Then I will say a celebrity's name, and when they find the name and birthday, I will pick the first person to raise their hand, then they have to properly and correctly say the date.  If they do so, they get one point.  Simple and fun!

But not simple enough for the Japanese English teacher unfortunately.  At first, he did his usual puzzled look and "hmm" thinking sounds for a while.  Then he asked me if I could re-print the calendar to have a bigger sized paper so we could fit two months on one page and have six pages in total instead of twelve.  "Ok, it might mess up the strategy that most groups do of having three months per student, but if it makes him happier with the activity, that's fine" So I re printed them as asked.  Then came the next day.  Just before class, he asked me if we could restructure the activity.  "Instead of doing all 12 months at once, let's just do two pages (four months) at a time" After every week of having my activities modified like this, I'm desensitized to it, so I just agreed.  We had to teach in a few minutes anyway, so I wasn't gonna try to rock the boat or anything. 

We started the activity and he gave the students a minute or so to study the two months we gave out to them.  Again, kinda defeating the purpose of the activity.  It's supposed to be kinda spontaneous and the students aren't expected to know all the correct answers right away.. they're supposed to be looking for them in a kind of frantic, exciting way.

But what it ended up turning into was the same group answering every question because they were they had two people who had the two sheets locked down.  Now, I'm not saying they wouldn't have won if we used all 12 sheets, they probably would have due to their enthusiasm and relatively good English, but I'm pretty sure there would have been more groups coming up to answer like the past years due to the nature of the original activity. His remedy for this was to go to each group individually and I'd ask them a question.  When they got it right, we'd give them a point. Every one gets a point..!  yay! lol

sigh

Then they had 20 minutes of writing the new words as usual.  fun, fun

This week was kinda similar.  We were doing a lesson on ordering fast food.  He came to me the day before the lesson and asked if I had any activities.  I didn't, but it was ok because I said I'd make one, and I did.  It wasn't the best, but basically I made my own menu with a burger, sandwich, pizza, and various drinks.  The students would have $5 and could but anything on the menu within that.  Then they'd write down what they bought and the price.  Kinda bland though.  So I gave them a space and a menu format for them to create their own menu!  Any food and any price.  But that part was shot down because it would "take too long".  What followed my short worksheet in that class? 15 minutes of writing the new words and 5 minutes of free time.  Yay.

"BLEEEEEEEEUGHHH"

That was my attempt at transcribing a belch that one of my Junior High School second year female students just made. It was gnarly.  No way that was an accident.  Damn.

/lifeupdate

Woah, long time no see

Been so long since I logged in to tumblr.  Still teaching at the same school.  Some of the girls at the school have taken a liking to calling me "disgusting feces face" or any other combination of those three words.  They take a worrying amount of enjoyment from it.  That's the only update I have for the past year or so.  Mhm.

Crab in the School

My apartment and the school I teach at are very close to the beach/shore, so apparently it's common to see little crabs running around sometimes.  When I saw my first crab though, I didn't really know this.  It also happened that I saw my fist crab when I was alone, walking through the school hallway.  I stopped for a second as I saw something move from the corner of my eye.  A little crab!  In the school! I couldn't walk away from it though, cause I'd probably escape.. but what should I do? The only thing I could really think of at the time was trying to usher it out of an exit of the school, but that would be ridiculous.  Especially if someone witnessed me.  From afar, they might not be able to see the crab, and I'd look like I was doing some strange dance. 

I decided that the best thing to do was go back to the teacher's room, tell some teachers about the little crab, and hope that it stayed in place.  I headed back to the teacher's room, but thankfully before I got far, I ran into another teacher.  I told him about the little crab, but he didn't seem to really understand my urgency or seem as interested as I was.  We went back to the place where I saw the crab and, alas, it was gone.  "Oh man, he might not believe me now," I thought. But no, actually he had no problem believing me, because as he informed me on our walk back to the teacher's room, "Crabs are pretty.. regular here".

The teacher informed the vice principal about the little crab I saw, and asked them if it was normal to see them here. "Yeah, pretty normal," he confirmed.  Some teachers had a small chuckle that I was surprised to find a crab in the school.  If they knew that I was considering actually taking action on getting the crab out of the school, such as through my silly "guiding the crab out of the school though what might seem like interpretive dance" idea, I'm sure they would have had a bit more of a chuckle.  But I kept that a secret.

More or Less an Average Day

These are some of the interactions I've had with students just today.

- did a dragon ball fusion dance with a student

- got compared to a banana (I don't even know)

- got tickled while drinking at the water fountain

- got jabbed in the dick (on purpose, crazy student.. lordy...)

- arm wrestled a student

- student tried to throw me off the balcony (jokingly)

- numerous high fives

Maybe things are getting out of control.. lol.

"Are there closets in foreign countries?"

This'll probably be a bit rant-y.

So as I may have mentioned before, with the new school year in Japan, teachers shift around schools a bit.  This has changed the teachers that I teach my class with, and I kind of prefer last year's set up more.  This year is a bit more.. limiting let's say.  One of the new teachers I teach with.. how can I put this.. she's nice and all, but I just don't enjoy working with her for a couple reasons.  Again, she's a nice person but.. anyway, I'll elaborate.

The classes I had with her yesterday basically sum up how things have been so far.  The day before yesterday, she asked me to make another worksheet for the class we had the next period.  Was kinda tight on time, but got it done, all good. That class went alright.  Before she left for that day, she also asked me to make another worksheet for the next day reviewing another lesson we taught.  I was kinda exhausting my options for this lesson, so I had to use a similar format I used before, but that was also okay.

So, it was the next day and class time came around.  Everything was going as usual.  By usual, I mean she was using mostly Japanese to explain stuff to the students (despite the fact that the board of education would like us to do them mostly (or all?) in English (although that is admittedly impossible) just as a side note, I think that the best way is in between both of those, where we explain in only English first and translate some of the difficult/important parts.  The students can pick up on certain words and gestures without the use of Japanese when they try.  anyway..).  The other way in which it was going as usual was that I had quite a minimal role in class compared to other classes where it's equal or even my class with Mr.Mori where I practically have 100% control.  She's taken it upon herself to dictate most of the class, even explaining and giving out the handouts that I made and taking my handouts and textbook with her stuff from class to class.  Which I guess could be seen as a nice thing, but I'm a bit frustrated, so I'm gonna see that as another slightly frustrating thing.

I mean, there was even that time she took my $1000 laptop back to the teacher's room halfway closed with a textbook lying in between the screen and keyboard, despite me being right behind her and able to carry it myself.  I was letting her use it to help a slow learner in the class after the bell rang, and all of a sudden, she was leaving class with my laptop and textbook.  I really don't know why she did that.. I probably should have spoken up then and said I could take it back myself, but I thought she might have been going back to the student's class to help her even more, as she was still talking with her.  The laptop was pretty vulnerable in that position and if it fell.. who knows. Nothing happened though, so it's ok.  I'd just prefer she let me be in control of my own things without me having to ask, especially my $1000 laptop, haha

So back to yesterday. After reviewing a bit of the vocabulary/meanings, during the middle of class, she looks at me while the students are waiting for what we're gonna do next and asks if I can open a presentation on my computer that we hadn't used for weeks.  So I'm searching around my computer trying to find where it is, but I can't seem to find it.  Admittedly I should have been more organized, and maybe I should have even expected it.  It's not the first time she's asked me to pull up something we haven't used for weeks while the class is waiting.  I didn't end up finding it though.. I must have deleted it or something?  I searched tons of folders and even the file by name but couldn't find it. My bad for misplacing it.. :\

Seeing as I'm ranting and going off on tangents, here's another rant and tangent related to this. Probably the most confusing experience I've had teaching here.  So for the lessons we were doing at the time, she had a couple handouts that we would use for class, and wanted me to make flash cards on my laptop to match them.  So I did, and it was good.  We would use the flashcards, give out the worksheet, and maybe use the flashcards a bit more.  For one of the classes though, I saw her going to the class with just the textbook instead of the usual worksheets that she took to the classes we were teaching.  I thought it was a bit odd, but I thought that maybe we had already used those worksheets in the class we were going to and she had a different plan (sometimes I lose track of what we've done it what class; it can get a bit confusing if I don't write it down with 6 classes of second years). 

So, after going through the flashcards as usual, she turns to me, again while the students are waiting, and asks me in an almost hushed voice if I have "the worksheet".  I replied in surprise asking which worksheet she was talking about. I was trying to think of any worksheets I had made recently for these classes, but the only one I had made was one we used weeks ago with a different exercise, and that we had already done in that class.  She pointed to the TV which my flashcards were being broadcast from.  At the time, the guitar flashcard was up and the only thing she really said while pointing was "the guitar..." so I asked if she meant the worksheet that matched the flashcards and she said yes. "I don't have that worksheet.." I said, trying to subtly remind her that she was talking about her own worksheet that she'd been bringing to class for the past week.  Then I got even more confused as she started talking about worksheets on my desk and that she could go get them and photocopy them.  I forget how that whole exchange ended, I was just so confused, haha. She ended up leaving quickly to the staff room to photocopy some worksheets or something.  By then, of course the kids had caught on to what was happening.  It was pretty obvious. She came back with a couple new worksheets, and we eventually made it through the class.  After class, we went back to the teacher's room and I showed her my copy of her worksheet she had given me before, the one that matched the flashcards, (it had all the answers written on it, so even if I wanted to photocopy it, we wouldn't be able to use it) and asked her if this was the worksheet she was talking about.  "Yeah, that one.." she replied.  "This isn't mine.. I didn't make this.  I only have the one with the answers that you gave me.." I think it clicked by then.

Back to yesterday, again.  The rest of yesterday wasn't really frustrating or anything.  Just confusing. To preface this, the worksheet I made had a picture of a bedroom with various things in it.  bunk bed, desk, computer, closet, etc. and the students had to use the picture to answer the questions. In the middle of class, while the students were working, she asked me "Are there closets in foreign countries? I haven't seen them much.." I didn't really know how to respond to that.  The one in the picture was like a wardrobe closet, so I didn't know if that's what she was talking about, or like a closet built into the wall, or what. I responded by telling her that in my family's house, we all have closets built into the wall that we use.  And that things like the wardrobe in the picture were also common.  I guess that answer was satisfying?  I don't know, I was just a but surprised.  Maybe there are places abroad that don't have many closets? I don't know where she's been, and the other thing is that it's the most general thing to ask if "foreign countries" have this or that. It's basically asking if any country other than Japan has closets.

The other thing question she had in the same class (she asks a lot of questions, which is fair) really confused me also.  She pointed to a pillow on the bed, and asked what it was called.  "Oh, It's a pillow" I said.  "All good" I thought.. "Would you call it a cushion?" she inquired. "Well, it's on a bed for people to put their head on, so it's a pillow." I clarified.  "Not a muffler?" she asked.  At this point I was just.. I dunno.  I know Japanese people use the word muffler for scarves, but I had no idea it might have related to pillows too.  After a second of trying to process how muffler could be related to a pillow, I just gave up and replied "No, it's a pillow". 

Anyway, I've ranted enough.  I'm not sure if it's healthy, but.. it is what it is. Gonna end it here. Could rant more, but.. probably best to stop there for now, haha.

Class with Mr.Mori

"Oh!  By the way, third period, we have a class.  ..I'll try to stand and sleep." Mr.Mori says, finishing with a chuckle.  The even funnier thing is that he really does stand and sleep during our classes while I'm teaching hahahaha

"Onegaishimasu"

Kind of relating to the last entry that I just finished a couple minutes ago, I'd like to record this story here.

This is by far the least I've ever had to do to have my Japanese complimented.

I was at a 7-11 in Japan and bought some food that has the option of being heated up.  The man asked pointed to the food item (I know food item sounds weird, but I forget what it was lol) and said "microwave?" in English, basically asking if I'd like it to be heated up.  I responded in Japanese with "onegaishimasu" (basically meaning something like "yes, please (do that for me)" and the lady working beside him looks at me and says "nihongo jyouzu desu ne!" meaning "Your Japanese is really good!".  Literally one word.  All it took. Kind of ridiculous lol.

I've heard other stories like this on reddit and whatnot of people getting their Japanese complimented very easily like in my story and being annoyed by it.  I can see it being annoying to some people, and maybe I'm only saying this because I haven't been here long enough and haven't had my Japanese easily complimented enough, but I mean, it's whatever.  They're just trying to be nice or maybe strike up a conversation.  In this case, since the conbini wasn't busy and they didn't have any other customers at the time, I continued a small conversation with the two for a minute or so talking about Canada and me studying Japanese and whatnot.  Nice people! 

"What do you eat for dinner everyday, bread?"

So every school year in Japan, some teachers get transferred to new schools.  Typically teachers change schools every three years.  This year, some teachers changed and therefore desk positions changed too. Last year, my desk was connected to the third year teacher's section.  This year, my desk is separated from the other teachers, and connected to four other desks which are usually empty.  One of the desks belong to the tea lady (for lack of a better title, seriously) and she's usually not sitting down at the desk.  The other two are occupied by staff who only come once or twice a week on certain days.  And they're all old Japanese ladies over 60 years old.  Nothing wrong with that.  Just realized it was a bit peculiar the other day, though.  Put the 22 year old foreigner in the corner with a bunch of old Japanese ladies, the people he can probably least relate to in the room, haha.

There's this one lady who sits across from me who's.. IDK how to say it.. she's nice but not very internationalized, maybe?  Or at least a bit behind the times lol. Not that I really blame her for that, I guess.  She kind of surprised me with something she said the other day.  I didn't really expect it and thought I was misunderstanding at first.

This lady also goes to other schools on other days, and at one of the other schools she goes to is the school my friend (we'll call her B) ,another ALT, works at. So the lady mentioned that school and asked if I knew the ALT there.  "Ah! Yeah, her name is B," I replied. So we established that I knew her. The next thing she says: "Hmm.. she's not cute." I didn't say anything, just kind of smiled and probably raised my eyebrows thinking if I had heard that correctly.  I mean, why would she say that? It was kind of rude, out of nowhere, and unnecessary. I looked at the tea lady beside her and she had a surprised face herself.  I think the lady picked up on my slight confusion as the next sentence she said in English, just in case I didn't understand.  "Not beautiful," she said, accompanied by a laugh.  So I had understood correctly.  Again, I didn't really know what to say.  Why would she say that.. lol.  Not that I really care.  Next she says "shh," and puts her finger to her lips, gesturing to keep quiet "don't tell".  And I won't, one because, again, I don't really care, and two because I'm not an unnecessary shit stirrer. It just surprised me, is all.

Later, after I finished washing the cup I was using (the tea lady brought us coffee.  Coffee lady, I guess) she said another weird thing.  If I hadn't heard of other stories of Japanese people saying similar things, I would have thought she was joking or trolling or something. In fact, I'm still thinking about it.. but I'm pretty sure she was serious.  I finished washing a cup.  Cup, water, soap, sponge.  Just washing a cup. "You can do anything, can't you! Washing dishes, and whatnot." she says as I come back.  What. I just washed a freaking cup, lol.

We then get into a conversation about dinner, as she asked me if I make dinner too.  I told her that sometimes I make dinner and cook, and she asked me "What do you eat for dinner everyday, bread?" I had heard that some Japanese peole think foreigners eat bread everyday, but this was my first time actually being asked it.  I think it comes from the fact that in Japan, rice is a huge staple, and some Japanese people think that in countries like America, Canada, etc. people eat bread as often as Japanese people eat rice.  I dunno.  The only time I really have bread for dinner is like garlic bread with spaghetti. Or sometimes bread buns at big family dinners.  Anyway, that's just me.  I told the lady "I only really ete bread for breakfast like toast or sometimes a sandwich for lunch.  I usually eat rice for dinner." Which somewhat surprised her.   

She struck up another conversation about what I did for Golden Week (she's pretty chatty). I told her I just hung out with some friends and she asked if they were other teachers.  While I was thinking of how to respond, as one of them was kind of a teacher, but at a cram school, so not really, she rephrased her question: "They're teachers? Like you, ALTs?".  At first I thought she was asking if they were other teachers like teachers from this school or something, but what she meant was if I was hanging out with other foreigners/ALTs. Time to defy her expectations again.  I told her that they were Japanese people living in Minamiawaji, and she understood.

In Japan, many people have a certain perception of foreigners, and sometimes cases like this arise.  Though this was probably the first time I had to defy so many expectations in such a short time.  Usually it's just one at a time or something.  I'm sure people like this mean well, it can just be slightly annoying to have so many wrong expectations of yourself.  Not that I was annoyed in this situation, but I can see how some people might find it annoying.  What do you call these things.. there's that silly buzzword "microaggressions" isn't there? Maybe these are mini-microaggressions? lol

Tumblr is back..?

I don't really understand how the security on this school internet connection works.  Some sites that I visit are open for a while, then suddenly their blocked.  Then, open for a day when after I try them again a few days later.  Then blocked again. Then open.  Anyway, you get the idea.  Apparently tumblr is back.. for.. today at least? 

I'd like to take advantage of this, but I can't really. One, I actually have stuff to do at work these days.  Two, when I do have time to write, I'm usually writing in my personal journal about stuff that I probably wouldn't write about here.  It's too bad though, because I have a ton of stuff that I'd love to be recording on here.. ah well. I guess I'll just hope that it remains unblocked..!

Blocked

Tumblr has been (kinda) blocked at work, so updates will be less frequent, if at all.  I can view individual pages (like kejacomo.tumblr.com for example) but not the home page, login page, etc.

Tears.. so many tears

Today was my first experience with a Japanese graduation ceremony.  Like I might have mentioned before, there hasn't been too much that has really caught me off guard here, or at least I haven't been surprised or shocked by much.  But, I think I might have something that I didn't really know what to expect from: Japanese graduation ceremonies.

Before yesterday, the only thing I really knew about Japanese graduation ceremonies is that the dress code for teachers is slightly.. odd?  It's almost all white and black, and it's very formal.  Don't wear a black tie though.  That's for funerals.  That leaves us with.. a white tie.  Over a white dress shirt.  I thought that that was quite strange before today, but now that I've worn it, it doesn't actually look that weird.  Anyway, yeah.  Also, it seems like women have to wear a corsage!

So beyond that, I didn't know much about Japanese graduation ceremonies, and I hadn't really given them much thought before, despite working at a Japanese junior high school for seven months now. 

During the rehearsal yesterday I got a sneak peak of what the actual ceremony would be like.  Very different from Canadian (or at least my) graduation ceremonies.  When the students were presented with their diplomas, they would have their full name exclaimed (as in, like, shouted), for example "Honda! Keisuke!" which the student would respond to with a formidable "hai!" (which means "yes" and would receive their diploma in a choreographed way.  In fact, that's a good word to sum up how the ceremony was; extremely choreographed. 

The graduating student's seats were separated in two groups - boys and girls.  When entering the ceremony, the students would come in two at a time, a boy and a girl each.  They would take steps at the same time and pause at the same time too (pausing for a second or two after making a turn).  They walked the same path, but on different sides of the gymnasium, around the students and parents in attendance. Only when all the students in one row arrived, standing in front of their seats, would all the students in that row sit down. 

The whole ceremony went on in this way, which I expected, but what I didn't necessarily expect was how freaking sad the whole thing would be.  The ceremony had a air of slight somberness over it, to which the quite serious execution of the actually ceremony definitely did not lift.  So already it felt a bit sad.  During the rehearsals, all the students practiced the songs that they were to sing (the graduating class singing a song to the first and second years, the first and seconds singing to the graduating class, and finally all the years singing together) so I already expected that there may be some people tearing up at that time (including me, as I'm kinda sensitive at times, especially with art such as music, movies, and books in recent years).  But they hadn't practiced the student speeches at the rehearsal, and so I didn't really know what would come from them.

Tears.  Many tears.  That's what would come from them.  The second years (and first years too, I'm assuming) had a student to speak on their behalf to the graduating class, and the graduating class had a student speak to the first and second years, as well as the teachers and staff.  The second year student went first, and for a good couple minutes, held everything together well.  But eventually, while she was talking about how great the third years were as senpais (IIRC), she broke down.  The rest of her speech, which went on for about 5 more minutes, slightly lengthened by the tears, sniffling, and moments taken to regain composure. As she went back to her seat, the sound of sniffling students trying to suppress their tears, along with some parents and teachers,  had filled the gymnasium.

Next, it was the graduating student's turn to give his speech.  He went on for a good few minutes before he, too, inevitably gave way.  Tears fell, and his voice wavered slightly, but he held it together quite well, and it didn't impair his speech very much.  I wish I could remember more of what was said.  Of course, with my Japanese level I couldn't understand the majority of it, but with even the parts I had caught, it seems like I've forgotten them within a week.. The tears continued, especially from the girls of the graduating class, but let me assure you, there were tons of people tearing up. Even the third year weird boy that slapped my ass and refuses to participate in my class was bawling. 

After this, the students then had to sing those songs I mentioned before.  It still sounded really good though, despite many of the kids having to sing while crying and all. Some would have to take a moment every now and then to gather themselves.  As expected, I teared up a bit although I had only taught these kids for 6 months or so.  I guess it was mostly seeing so many nice students crying and also the kids singing the beautiful music. 

The students exited the ceremony as they had entered, in extremely orderly fashion.  Step by step, a boy and girl each rounded opposite sides of the audience while keeping in pace with each other, as tears continued to fall.  And that was pretty much it. 

Now, let me quickly touch upon the comparison to Canadian graduation ceremonies as I mentioned before.  Quite different.  Although my grad ceremonies were also orderly (though not as serious/strict as Japan's), the feeling around them was totally different. Of course it's a sad thing to leave your friends behind while you part ways to new schools and whatnot, my grad ceremonies were much happier.  Of course there are many emotions associated with graduation and the ceremonies, and there may have been some people crying at my grad. ceremonies (maybe just some sensitive parents feeling that their kid is growing up so quickly?), but overall, I remember it being a pretty uplifting experience.  Kids would get onto the stage when their name was called, shake the hand of the principal and other important people waiting to greet them, and from there, they'd have their few seconds to do their own thing.  This usually consisted of happily posing for a picture, and searching out their parents with a smile, wave, and probably another pose.  Other, more outgoing students might strike a funny pose, give a fist bump, say something funny, etc.  Stark contrast from Japan. 

Not that either ceremony style is better; each has their good points. At the end of the day, it boils down to cultural and societal differences (like so much I write about here does).  Some of it does have to do with the East Asian collectivist  mentality vs the North American individualist mentality.  For example,  the Japanese students all receiving their diplomas and acting in the exact same order as each other and singing songs all together, compared with Canadian students having their own few seconds on the stage to do their own thing (within acceptable means, of course).  Although the Japanese graduation ceremony was unequivocally sadder than any graduation ceremony I've ever been involved in in Canada, maybe that solemnity works to solidify and strengthen the bonds between those involved in the graduation ceremony.  Hmm I guess that's a fair conclusion to make from this.  ! 

“Maybe I’ll Cry...”

I was talking with the Japanese English teacher today that I’ve mentioned other times in past entries.  Let’s give him a name and call him Mr.Mori.  We were talking about the third year’s upcoming graduation day.  “Maybe I’ll cry” he told me.  I was kind of surprised, as he’s not at all the sensitive type. I didn’t react surprised though, I empathized and replied “Yeah.. it might be a bit sad.”  He was confused for a second or two and then said “No, you’ve misunderstood me.  I’ll be crying of happiness.” with his trademark chuckle.  “I don’t have to see you anymore!”, he said as if he were addressing the third year students.  

Ah, Mr.Mori. Don’t ever change.  (Except the racism and trying to spread it to the students. That, I could definitely do without.. lol)

It seems like the sexual assaults are calming down.. hopefully

(Two entries ago I said I'd finish the rest of the entry later.. but that aint happening.  I've forgotten some of what I wanted to say, and I just cbf anymore lol)

So.. that title, yeah. lol

As I expected and had heard, it seems that the foreign assistant English teacher has less boundaries than Japanese teachers.  For whatever reason.  The longer I'm teaching here, the more I discover another difference in the many, many ways assistant English teachers are different than Japanese teachers in a Japanese school.  This comes with different responsibilities, different expectations, and of course, different boundaries/interactions with the students compared to Japanese teachers.

Like many things I ramble about, I could go on and on and on about how the student interactions I have are different from the ones Japanese teachers have (for better or for worse), but I'll narrow it down:

I've had my ass slapped twice and grabbed once by three different students.  There are probably a couple reasons why these things could have happened, but they all have one thing in common; the foreign ALT just has less boundaries.  Again, I really just can't pinpoint why.. I'll try to reason it out in my head right now:

(I'll preface this by saying that although I'm about to generalize all ALTs by using "we" when referring to ALT positions as a whole, at the end of the day, I'm only speaking from my experience and other ALTs could have a different positions (though I think I am in accordance with the majority, from what I hear))

1. We aren't really allowed to discipline the students.  I'll probably do another entry on this point someday, cause I could ramble a bit about this.  During my orientations for the JET Programme, it was brought up in a few lectures that the responsibility of disciplining students in the case of bullying, bad behaviour, etc. should NOT be taken up by the ALT, and instead left in the hands of the JTE. 

2. Most ALT's Japanese isn't fluent/that great (although I know many ALTs with decent Japanese, and my Japanese is conversational), so even if we did decide to ignore the "no disciplining" rule, I'm not sure we'd be able to get our point across completely.  I guess you could still discipline in English, but it'd probably all go happily over their heads.  If they are a troublemaker anyway, they might just even be more amused if you tried to discipline them in English.

3. ALT's are often supposed to be "genki" (energetic), fun teachers who make the students more excited about learning English.  I certainly fit this bill whether I mean to or not.  As of right now, I love this job, and I'm always smiling in the hallways, saying "hello" to students, trying to have fun in class (maybe being too goofy myself, admittedly..), etc.  Many students have fun with this kind of aspect of ALTs, but reaaally try to push the boundaries (e.g ass slapping)

Those are all the big ones I can think of for now.  There could definitely be more.  Anyway, as you can see, there are some pretty big ways in which the foreign ALT simply has a different relationship/boundaries with students.

One thing that all the students that harassed me have in common is that they are all outliers in their own way.  Let's look into these cases: (I'm definitely looking into this too far, but I guess that what I do when I begin recording my thoughts...)

Case 1: This was.. I forget exactly when. I think in mid October 2015? This was a junior high school first year student.  This case differs from the other two, because the offender was a girl. A crazy ichinensei girl.  Just makes it all the more uncomfortable, really.  This girl is possibly actually crazy though.  I guess the best way to describe her is as a chaotic neutral.  (that sounds so nerdy of me..) She's not mean spirited or nice, she's just.. neutrally chaotic.  Maybe chaotic is a bit of an exaggeration, but she like to stir the pot a bit.  She'll often try to make me laugh while I'm teaching, give me death stares from across the class, etc.  Not mean stuff, just.. weird stuff that isn't nice or mean, but puts me off a bit.  So, one day, after I said goodbye to the class when the period was done and I was walking out of the classroom jumped beside me, and... slapped my ass.  That's.. the best way I can put it, I guess.  I don't really know why.  She just likes to do strange shit, and I guess she just took it too far that time.  I didn't know how to react.. it was so sudden and unexpected, and even if I did have the power to discipline students, I'm not sure what I would have done.  What I did do, after pausing for a second or two out of pure shock, (I can't exactly recall, as it was a while ago,..) was something like let out an incredulous  "..what?!" in between laughs.  I know I also managed to say "oh my god.." as I left the scene.  It probably wasn't the best response, to laugh, I mean, but as I'll realize in my next two sexual assaults by students, it seems to be my unfortunate instinctive response to those kind of.. situations..

Case 2:

This one happened recently, this year I think.  Maybe sometime in January 2016? Or it could have been December 2015.  Anyway, the offender this time was a third year student.  He never does his work, doesn't participate in class, demands I speak to him in Japanese because rather than English, etc.  He's rarely, if ever, actually disruptive in class, but he just refuses to participate and tries to sleep most of the time. That's why it was so unexpected when this happened.  With the crazy ichinensei girl, I could at least understand that there was this kind of insane part of her personality that lead her to what she did, but with this kid.. I was pretty shocked.   I was kinda bending over while explaining something to another student, leaving me completely susceptible to what he was about to do. (needless to say, I usually bend my knees to adjust myself to the student's desk level rather than bend over now) And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, bam.  Slapped on the ass for a second time.  Again, I kind of forget my reaction, but I know it involved a good amount of incredulous expressions and some nervous, confused laughter. He had this smug kind of smile on his face, as if he'd just accomplished something commendable. Some of the class was confused about why I was freaking out and laughing awkwardly all of a sudden (it was a bit quiet just moments before, as the students were working together) but I'm sure some of the students saw or heard what happened, and others got the gist.  Luckily (?) the Japanese English teacher noticed what happened and diffused some of the awkwardness.  Or made it more awkward.  He says a lot of stuff in class that isn't quite politically correct, (which I could make another entry on.. definitely have a thought or two about that lol) and this was possibly one of those moments.  "He likes men's hips." he said with a big simile on his face while pointing to the boy who had just slapped my ass. The students might be shy with their English, but most of them understood that.  I probably let out one last "oh my god" under my breath, but class turned back to normal relatively quickly.  As quick as it possibly could after they had just witnessed a teacher has his ass slapped, that is.

Case 3:

This was the most recent case.  It happened just after case 2, I believe. This one.. I've written about this student probably more than once before.  My recent entry about a bad day still being a good day was focused around this menace. I named him "Kuma" in that past entry, so let's keep that name.  So, it was in class, during an activity in which the students had to walk around as ask questions in English to their peers, record their responses, all that jazz.  I was trying to get him to get his sheet or something like that from his desk so he at least had the means to participate instead of just walking around and screwing off.  Although this was the most recent case, to be honest, now that I type this, it's hard to recall.. I'm even not too confident about whether or not it actually occurred at this time.  It's because every class he does something unruly and disruptive, so a lot of these experiences have just blended into a big, troublesome experience.  Anyway, I remember it happened while I was trying to get him to sit down or something, and it wasn't in the dead middle part of class, because no one else noticed what he did or was paying attention to us.  So it was either at the beginning of class (which I felt maybe it was, but he's practically always late for class, so probably not), at the end of class, or during an activity when the students have to get up and walk around.  aaaanyway, with that cleared up, I was trying to get him back in his seat (or to his desk, or something) and I had to physically direct his body (i.e guide him to turn around and whatnot) and he ends up practically falling into me and hugging me (in protest?). I respond kindly, but sarcastically and hug him back with a "thank you", hoping that I've entertained him enough that he'll be satisfied and give in.  Nope.  He fcking groped my ass.  I think it was with both hands?  You can probably tell I don't try too hard to keep these details in my mind...  It didn't last long, but it might have been two quick squeezes.  Again, I forget exactly how I responded (I forget a lot, probably for the best) but it was generally the same as the last two times. A look of shock on my face, along with a couple incredulous expressions and nervous, awkward laughter.  He went to his seat after that with a shit-eating grin on his face.  Jesus. That Kuma.

So, those were my experiences so far. Honestly, I know that I should probably have a better reaction, especially in order to stop this kind of shit from happening again, but.. I don't know, man!  It's just so fucking weird when it happens!  I don't know what to do.  I have a kind of extreme analogy coming up, so let me preface it by saying I know it's not on the same severity, but: maybe the reason for my reaction is similar to when people get groped by strangers in public (again, I know, this is definitely worse than my case.  Strangers are much more dangerous and probably disgusting etc. than my students).  Say, for example, a woman on a train.  Yeah, ideally they'd yell at the pervert who has a squeeze at their ass or whatever while standing on a packed train, and you may think you'd do put a knee to his balls and call him a "fucking asshole" like he deserves.  But the fact is, when it happens, more often or not, the victim just freezes up.  You can read accounts of women (or men) who this happens to.  Some even say that they always thought they'd yell and out the harasser on the spot, but they just froze up when it actually happened.  Again, I know this isn't the same, but in my mind, maybe my "freezing up" is just laughing nervously and saying stuff like "oh my god!" with incredulity.  I dunno.  Hopefully I can learn how to deal with that kind of stuff better in the future.  But again, with the confines of my responsibility and position, I'm not sure exactly how I'm supposed to act in that kind of situation.. I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with that stuff. I only just turned 22, so I'm pretty young in general, much less in terms of being an actual teacher.  Hopefully I'll build a stronger foundation and basis for myself as how I should act and would like to be treated as a teacher, even if I'm just a silly, energetic, foreign assistant English teacher for now.  I wonder how much of this kind of misbehaviour just comes from the nature of the position/job I'm in and how much of it comes from how friendly, goofy and playful I am with the students.. that's why I genuinely can't tell whether I should be more strict with the students or not! Maybe I should.. the balance I have now is quite fun, but maybe it's too friendly and I don't give up a strong enough "teacher" vibe..

Hmm.. anyway, that last bit was some useful musing! It's 16:00 now.  I'm off! See ya.