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karmasaidurturn · 7 months

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I learned of Intervention Mapping today.

Bare with me here:

I got diagnosed about 7ish years ago with HIV- thought god was punishing me for things I had done prior to then. So I chose not take meds.That led to AIDS in the hospital with a t-cell count of 24, crypto meningitis, pneumonia in both lungs and an upper respiratory infection. I had saved up money for open enrollment and payed for my own insurance and deductibles for a while till I got on Ryan White (god bless).

Nothing to be proud of, just saw meaning and thought i could help… eventually.

I knew then I still had issues. Mainly the mixing of sex and drugs. I knew that if I were to ever be in a relationship I would have to express these things upfront because of how detrimental it was to me.

Not because i wanted attention for it. Not because i wanted to come off as a “ survivor “.

(Pfft, survivor of my own mistakes maybe)

Truth is having HIV is no different than having to take an anti-depressant everyday. So I would vocalize it to try and change the stigmas and misinformation that’s perpetuated.

I learned to grow my own fungi ( exotics) and it was able to kick the habit for a while.

And that’s how/when I met my ex. I brought my lunchbox over to her friends and expressed that they helped me out of depression and drug addiction. They asked why depressed, so I told them the truth.

And would you believe that her dad ( who had recently passed) also had the damn diseases. Her receptiveness turn me into a pup in a matter of seconds. Not only was she beautiful but understanding and what seemed caring.

All false I now presume. See the very next day she told me very sternly that if we were to be a couple that I would have to stop being to vocal about it because of how it reflects on her. Only for the following week to say, “let’s show the world its possible”. Confused but I thought it was love.

Knowing first hand the shame that society tends to give I wouldn’t wish it on her. Mainly I heard “ we’re a couple”. I caved then. Lost track there and then.

Did I mention she is ten years older than me?

And in retrospect, with a chip on her shoulder.

Never would I have thought it was a set up by people who think they are doing good.

Intervention mapping - more tomorrow- I want to go do drugs and not take meds more so today than ever.

Bottom line: I was honest and upfront to people who under guise of “greater good” have with intention hurt me. Watched and mocked my suffering. Nothing will bring back your dead. It isn’t my fault you didn’t cherish them while you had them. Not my fault they chose not to wrap it up aswell.

You know I’ve been thru worse. You know I can admit my wrongs - even hold my own feet to the fire-no fleeing spaniard required-

What you call gold I wipe my ass with and If I were related to you I would’ve unalived myself aswell. Knowing your motivation to care is only to keep a false image of you alive.

“I’ve slithered with the snakes and soared with the eagles and everything in between. And I can tell you nobody likes a quitter. “- Randy Macho Man Savage

It seems you folks quit loving and caring long ago.

Do you even know yourselves? Emulating the same pointless tattoos and piercings. Afraid of making mistakes. Being wrong! Starting anything.

I’m broken because I gave it my all. If we weren’t meant to be codependent then we would all just go fuck ourselves and shit kids.

I love you all because you only further reassured what I already knew. We are all suffering and nobody wants to help one another. We ignore our own problems with trying to shame others of theirs.

You have become the “monsters” you are trying to prevent from existing.

For the record. Blood work done last week. I’m fine. Those herpes you got on that blonde kool-aid tasting pussy of yours- not from me.

I use my real name on here. I own everything about me. I don’t love it all but I don’t run or put on masks.

I know I can’t expect someone to love me until I love myself. You don’t even accept who you are and what needs to change. How can you possibly prevent anything? Do you even know the process of anything?

Intervention mapping is a business plan- not a solution. Take the money and run.

Wait till I tell you about the invasion of privacy-

I’m talking shell company in caymans. By-passing us law. Accessibility to and manipulation of services one pays for. Fake apps. Fake profiles. Literal redirects. Oh and in some cases privately founded and supported by states authority.

Meaning they thought I was infecting people and still the cops did not protect and serve. But it’s okay for our attorney general “conservative” to cheat on his wife and do favors for a campaign donor.

Let’s start mapping his intervention. Or maybe just be kinder to one another.

Mush love- because I can’t afford to hate any longer.

No Jesus required.

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karmasaidurturn · 7 months

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I find a need to express. I want to choose my words carefully, but you’ll interpret it your way and blame me for how you feel. I also never thought you would ever intentionally try your hurt me. The more I studied your NPD the more I understood your unconscious behavior. Being a former addict I can account for it. No matter how intentionally hurtful you tried to be. I could only see a 5-6 year old going limp in a grocery store isle for not getting her way and figuring out hurtful shit to say.

Did your folks ever take you grocery shopping?

I never got to ask. I never really met you and I had gone all in on you. You took what I felt I had overcame and made it about you. I know realized it was then and there that I started to lose my authenticity. That which attracted you to begin with.

I figured your age would come with some emotional wisdom. Instead I got a fine sharped scythe which you used surgically at your whim.

That is until I looked at you as a troubleshoot issue. Began to study your coping mechanisms and slowly cut off supply of anger. I had made a conscious decision that you were worth the turmoil because my love for you was greater than behavioral patterns. I have the example of my folks to back upon.

We found each other at different points of healing. I don’t blame you for my reactions. In fact I thank you.

I thank you for showing me triggers I didn’t know I had. My coping mechanisms, my unconscious behaviors. Better yet, the reasons why.

You could afford to buy me anything but a few simple words would cost you too much because you don’t know what they mean. Hopefully saying thank you all the time stuck to you.

I told you things about myself only my best friend and family knows. You stored and used it when you felt you had no use for me anymore. The self doubt that came with it forced me to research.

I had relapsed and tried to use your patterns to mask my secret. I knew of your secret and your unwillingness to share it. I led by example. Then I lied by example. Your experiences told your gut to call me out.

I had been so honest with you that with holding forced me to confess. To which you told me to “change my environment “ “go away”.

All this time you would tell me feeling worthy was an issue of yours and here you were discarding me like many others.

You were still worth it for me and still are. See unconditional love is similar to unconscious behavior at its core is something underlying that is really calling the shots. That was my love for you.

So this lesson learned in love will not go away but will be used to make me better for then next opportunity.

“Space ships don’t come equipped with rear view mirrors, they dip!

As quick as they can the atmosphere is now ripped. I’m so like a pip-

Andre 3000 - International players anthem

Play on playa- let me go look for my Gladys Knight. Just have to work on a few things first.

#post break up

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