i’ve been feeling soooo shitty since 2020 hit aha. my head hurts, my lower back is bruised, i got my period today, and i just feel so gross. i made some bad decisions but i lowkey dont regret them? i am just afraid of the backlash i will get from others. i cant wait to go back to seattle and separate myself from the bay for a while lol

good bye 2019

IM GOING BACK HOME!!!!! LOL WOOHOO

Plans for Vegas fell through and I lost money but it’s okay, that’s life!! I basically just used my Christmas money to buy my ticket back home so all is well. i’m super happy going home because I was not about to spend NYE alone LOL. 

Let’s recap what happened in 2019. this may be long.

Education: I finished capstone which was lowkey a pain in the butt but I made it. I graduated college! I got my NRP certification. 

Work: I finished my time at 24 Hour Fitness. It’s crazy because it was the longest time I’ve ever worked at a part time job. I’m so surprised at the friendships I made there and the drama I caused there HAHA. I am still in touch with Christina and Tyler since they were my closest friends at the gym. Even though they can get on my nerves sometimes, they are good friends to me. They listen to my problems and vice versa! My manager Bre still keeps in touch here and there. We text eachother on holidays haha. I completed my temporary job at Stanford which was very interesting. Did not expect much drama from a temp job but oh it happened. Overall, it was a good experience and now I am not afraid of giving injections because it’s literally so easy. I was supposed to start working at the hospital in December but my license did not go through on time so now it’s March. I am still upset at the BRN for this but I try telling myself that I will eventually start and everything will be okay. It just kind of sucks because it delayed my plans to move to NY by a couple months.

Family: I guess I got even closer to my family? Kind of hard to say but yeah I guess I can say that. i am closer to my sister even more. She knows about my septum piercing lmao. My mom knows about my nipple piercing and surprisingly did not beat my ass about it. I still want to tell my sister about my abortion but there just hasn’t been a right time so it will happen when it happens. I guess I’m closer to my grandparents as well. Since moving to Seattle, I have not answered my grandpa’s phone calls because I am super nervous talking to him in Korean. But I realized I shouldn’t be. We video chatted yesterday and I showed them my apartment. It was nice! 

Fitness: For a while I was pretty on top of my fitness. I think working at the gym helped me since I was always surrounded by people who loved fitness and having a free membership helped. I worked out a lot with Christina and I think having someone to keep you in check is good. However, since moving to Seattle I havent worked out as much as I want to. I did work out almost everyday for the first month and then kind of stopped. I think it’s just a slump that I always go through. I know I will pick it up again.

Friendship: I can say that I have gotten even closer to Michelle, if that’s even possible. It’s so crazy how there is someone in this world who understands my humor... like thank you Michelle. I got closer to Julie and I’m really happy we are living together again. She is so reassuring and someone I can count on. I got closer to Michael. I don’t know exactly how but it’s amazing to see we still have a strong friendship! i am thankful to all of you guys. I can 100% count on you and I know you are always there for me. thank you for listening to my problems and annoying rants and cringey stories. Know that I will do the same for you guys!! I met a lot of new friends through Julie, which I am so grateful for. All her friends are so awesome. I still feel weird calling some of them “my friends” instead of “Julie’s friends” but I think I can say that Albert is my friend. Perry is my friend. Miles is my friend. But all thanks to Julie :)

Relationships: Lol is there even anything to say about this? I feel like this is all I talk about. I am glad I got over Henry, but I won’t lie he comes to mind sometimes. Not often, not everyday, but like maybe once a month? I call that progress. Something about him just makes it stand out so much. Like I liked him for like 10 months and he strung me along the whole time. I don’t have any positive feelings towards him but he was a lesson. He wrecked me emotionally lol. I think I am traumatized from the events that happened and how he destroyed me emotionally. Even after my breakup with Raymart, I didn’t really have my guards up- like I almost fell for Aldo. But after Henry... my walls have been bUILT. I am scared of telling anyone that I like them, even though they may like me back. I am scared of getting attached emotionally, I am scared of going crazy/obsessive over one person. I will not allow myself to get that way anymore. I hated myself when I liked Henry because I was definitely depressed. I learned that if you don’t show interest through your actions, I am not doing the same. i will not chase you until the end of time because I WILL BE THE ONE CHASED GDI! I still really like Jason and I think he does too (even with receipts, it’s hard for me to believe). It makes me sad that nothing is happening but it is what it is. i’m glad we are still friends and it’s just the distance I guess. A part of me says that I am willing to do LDR, but another part of me really does not. I just wished I was in NY right now living my life with Michelle. It’s so crazy how one person can make me be okay with giving up that California RN salary lol. It’s a compromise that I am very willing to make if it means that I can be with him in the long run. And if things don’t work out, I can always move back to CA if i want! So i don’t think there’s anything to lose. All I can say is, I super duper like him but the feelings are becoming numb because not much is happening. Back burner.

Self: Overall, I think I grew a lot as a person. I see it in myself as well as others. I went through a lot of things that really helped me shape into who I am currently. I learned how to play the uke. I got really into fitness. I am less cancer-y and more capicorn-y. I hope I can continue to grow in 2020 and become an even better person than who I am right now. Here are some of my 2020 goals that I wrote for myself:

- Do well at the hospital :)

- continue to make more friends

- learn something new

- continue working out consistently

- start meditation

- do yoga

- strengthen family relationships

- be financially smart

The first half of 2019 was ASS and the second half was less ass. I hope 2020 is badass.

seattle

hello

currently in the apartment alone since juile’s still in california. i wish i stayed longer but idk why i didn’t lol. going to Vegas for NYE but there’s a slight chance i may not be able to but imma hope plans still go through!

Seattle has been good so far I guess. I wish I was working at the hospital now but oh well... gotta be patient till March I guess. Paying rent stresses me out ngl, even with the babysitting job I will start I M STRESS!

I’m glad we made a couple of friends already. They’re all really nice and welcoming :) I love Marcus and his love for TikTok lolol

Dating in Seattle is hard and basically impossible. Everyone here is SERIOUSLY not my type and like TBH FUGLY. Like I am really shocked because I thought living downtown ish would be prime but NO. IT SUCKS SO BAD. IT’S WORSE THAN THE BAY AREA!!!!!! 

It may seem dramatic but trust me, seattle is not the place to find anyone- at least for me haha. It’s not that I even want a boyfriend, just someone to date and have fun and have good sex with. I’ve been on 2 dates with boring ass guys and 1 date with my good old cuddle buddy Alejandro hahaha. I hooked up with him once but it was... not good. I don’t know if it’s because I was drunk but ya it was not a good time. I think he just sucks because I’ve had good drunk sex.

I still have feelings for Jason. It’s been almost 4 months since we started talking and there hasn’t been a day where I don’t think of him lol. I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say we both feel the same way about each other but distance is just the issue. It’s interesting because we haven’t talked about this with each other but I just know we want the same things: No LDR. Like if I lived in New York, we would 1000% be together. But i’m not. so there’s that. My feelings for him won’t go away anytime soon but I put them kind of on the back burner because it’s hard for me to continue liking him sooo much. Like it’s sad for me. When I would go on dates or even talking to guys on dating apps, they all were so meaningless to me. I never took them seriously because I am so into Jason omfg. And I know he feels, or at least felt, the same. Which is why I really am not looking for a relationship here. It might sound weird but I really believe my next relationship will be with Jason... or at least I hope so. For now, I just want to have fun and hook up with people. 

Last week, Julie’s friends came over and it was very fun. But I got too drunk one night and ah ha ha. I need to be more careful when I’m drunk. Michelle told me that when I get drunk, I get super flirty with everyone. And it’s true... I talked about it with Albert too and I’m like , wow okay I need to be more careful. Because that’s where mistakes can be made lol. And now I feel weird because I made out with Perry and cuddled and all that and he’s in that huge ass friend group and everyone will know about it and I feel like it will be hard to show my face in front of them LOL. Perry is actually a very cool guy and a good friend lol. We talk almost every day? It’s not weird though because it is very platonic, trust me. 

But yeah... i’m suddenly in a simpy mood because I thought about Jason lol rip. I just really want to hang out with him and I wish he would come visit me. How is it possible that I have such strong feelings for someone??? And it’s a good kind, not like how I had extreme feelings for Henry because that was toxic. Jason is funny, understanding, hot, big ;), and we just click well IMO. Like I wouldn’t be shy or embarrassed to introduce him to my family or friend (I felt shy/embarrassed with Ray). Like my sister already knows about him and has talked to him on Facetime before. All my friends know about him. Like I am not shy about telling people I am into this person. I don’t feel judged for it like how I did with Henry. Jason is a good guy and I REALLY LIKE HIM GOD DAMN IT. 

Okay I gotta distract myself. I got my godbrother’s disney plus account so I’ve been watching movies lolol. Imma just head to bed and watch movies. 

feelin 22

once in a while i’ll just go on michael or julie’s tumblr and see if they have written anything new, which then inspires me to write on my tumblr too. it’s so crazy because i remember when i first found out they wrote on tumblr and i was hesitant to start but im so glad i did. it’s cool to see how i was feeling and how far i’ve come and changed.

julie and i are moving to seattle on november 22nd. 22 is such a great number lol both our birthdays are on the 22nd. :”) and we are both 22 omg wow THIS YEAR IS FOR US. im super excited but also stressed, but i guess it’s a good stress. like im anxious and just want everything to go smoothly. i’m still waiting for my license to go through and i hope it really does... because rip. i am becoming a real adult i guess now like we just got renter’s insurance like tf bro lol. i have started to budget everything now because i need to start saving money. especially for the month of november because i have no source of income 

life has been pretty chill.. kind of boring to be honest but imma embrace it. i got a gym membership but i dont have the motivation to go which is so bad. i feel gross and just unhealthy. i went for a SUPER quick run today which is better than nothing so hopefully that kind of motivates me to continue. it made me feel better so i guess i just have to remind myself that i never will regret working out. it’s just hard because i dont work at the gym anymore so i have no real reason to go lol BUT I PAID SO I SHOULD

im super excited to go to the summer walker concert next week. she is seriously one of my top 3 artists like she is literally so amazing. all her songs are so good and she is so talented. her songs helped me simp and get through the tragic side effects for falling for henry LOL. it’s funny because the first song i heard from her was “Girls Need Love” which henry actually showed me and now she’s my fav artist. lesson learned: something good can come out of the bad aha

i have recently become a born again belieber. he is so cute and I CANT WAIT FOR HIS ALBUM TO DROP ugh i hope it’s before christmas but it prob wont be because his photo didnt get 20M likes..... ugh. My favorite music video of all time used to be “I’m the One” but now its “No Brainer” BECAUSE JB IS SO CUTE IN IT OMFGGGG. He was super cute in “im the One” but wow “No Brainer” he was like amazing.

I am pretty much loving and living up the single life. cuddle szn is creeping up but i mean whatever, it’ll pass. i used to think i was ready and open to getting into a relationship but i take it back. i feel ready but i dont really want to be in one. especially with this big move coming up and a new job, it’s not the right time. i just want to focus on work, adjusting to a new environment, and making new friends. not really talking to anyone right now and i’m okay with that. i just can’t wait for Julie to get Hinge when we move to seattle LOL. Maybe I’ll redownload it once I move up there. There is no point in using it here right now lol 

but yeah... life is pretttttty good right now. can’t wait to move up but i’ll for sure miss everything in California

https://www.instagram.com/p/B1ArvtGg6zr

life update

hello. 

This year has been a very interesting one. I graduated from school, finally got over a fuckboy that has been stringing me along for months, been working at the gym for almost a year, started working out more consistently, started a temp nursing job at Stanford, and got in a new grad residency program in SEATTLE!!! So many life changes but honestly this year is looking up for me :) I am just so thankful for all the support I have. I love my family and friends so much honestly. I am so grateful to have people in my life who I can depend on and vice versa. The support is so strong LOL

Recently, I feel like I have gotten closer to Michelle and Julie. I finally told Michelle about my abortion and I am so glad I did. She is my best friend and I was just nervous and worried about telling her. I think it’s because I care about what she thinks of me, not in a bad way, but yeah... Now I know that I can tell her literally anything and vice versa. She is so supportive and a true homie <3 IFLY~ Everytime we hang out, it’s just endless laughing and she’s honestly the only person who tRULY gets my humor hahahahahahha

I have also gotten closer to Julie which I am loving. I introduced her and Michelle to eachother and my worlds are colliding and I AM LOVING IT!! I am so glad they know eachother now. i feel like I don’t have many friends to begin with and friends who I think will be okay meeting with eachtoher. So i’m glad they are friends now and ya :) I also met new friends through her and for that I am so thankful. Her friends are all so nice and cool and chill!! I am having a good time connecting with them so thanks Julie. I also am praying that we both get to move to Seattle together because that would be literally just so perfect. I BELIEVE IN US!!! Julie if you are reading this, know you can tell me anything because I would do the same and IFLY!!!

I have been very very VERY okay and content with being single FINALLY. Like after ghosting (oops) kiwi, I have been just focusing on myself and I have been loving it. I deleted Tinder like months ago and just havent felt the need to be talking to someone or like dating around. :) BUT.... LOL

Michelle’s very good friend Jason started talking to me and we’ve been talking everyday for like a couple weeks now. He is seriously so fun to talk to and I would say he’s second in line (next to Michelle) who truly gets my humor. We can banter back and forth and I love it lol. He literally makes me crack up and laugh out loud through text which I think is so cool. I think I L word him (not love) but I am like kind of scared to admit it lol. I think I have my guards up a little and just very cautious of the whole situation. I honestly see this going somewhere somewhat serious and I haven’t felt this about any other guys since my first boyfriend lol. Butttt yeah we’ll see where it takes us! All I know is that he is a very good guy and I can trust him and trust that because I trust Michelle :) 

regressed

i still like him. why am i not letting myself move on? i have all the facts: he does not like me. i asked him to be straight up. HIS EXACT WORDS ARE: 

Simply put

I can’t ever love you

But that’s on me not you

I was doing better but now I regressed. I almost don’t care that i regressed because a part of me doesn’t want to stop liking him.

started off as a post about graduating soon...

wow... i can’t believe school is ending soon. like ending ending. i have completed the required schooling that is socially acceptable lol. buttt i do want to go to grad school. senior 2 has been different... in a good way i guess. capstone is pretty good. i’m learning a lot and my preceptor is really cool. but i think wanting to do well in capstone, school ending soon, and having to find a real job are all making me really anxious. like my anxiety has shot through the roof this year lol. i recently got a 10:1 CBD oil pod so i hope that is helpful. steering clear from THC for a while to see if that helps with my acne lol.

other than school, life is just.. you know, life. kind of sad because Bryce, a kid from via west (summer camp), passed away. he was such a cute kid... super fucking stubborn when it came to taking his medications but he was a gem. rest easy Bryce. 

Work is cool. I like 95% of my co-workers which is pretty damn good haha. i’m excited to work during the summer because we will get a lot more kids and work with eachother more often.

fitness is not so good. i have a really bad relationship with food and my motivation behind wanting to get fit has not always been right. so i got to find the right motivation but it’s just been on the back burner lol.

friendships are good. didn’t really hang out with a lot of people but i don’t really care about that lol. i only need to hang out with my close friends, which i have been doing. <3

and my “love” life is just sad LOL. It’s just so fucking hard getting over someone who I KNOW is not good for me. but idk, i like this person so so much and i honestly don’t even know why. the first time i ever laid eyes on him, i swear there were motherfucking fireworks. like i know im so dramatic but that’s hoenstly how i felt. like even when i was with my ex, i would think about him. when i first met him IRL, we talked the whole night. i fucking wanted to go to an athlete awards ceremony as an excuse to see him IRL. I would save pictures or take screenshots whenever my ex would send me a pic of the both of them or something idk. i know this sounds all bad but that’s just the attraction i had towards him from the beginning (i never cheated on my ex for the record. i admit i had guilty thoughts but i never acted on my thoughts!!). And at first, it was a physical attraction. i admit when i hit him up on ig,  it was partially because i was actually interested in him but also i was doing something that my ex restricted me from doing lool like me being petty smh. 

at first i was attracted to the idea of him but now... i am attracted attracted to him. hes funny, kind, sweet, caring, and so fucked up in the brain. i know i can tell him anything and he would not judge. also he knows me. i dont know how but he like... knows me. and i feel the same. i don’t like know details about him but i just know what kind of person he is. i dont know how i know but i just do. 

holy fuck lol i feel so crazy even typing this all out right now but.. honestly YOLO lol

but ya... i can’t stop thinking about him. which is sad because he probably never thinks about me lol. i feel crazy because it’s like... i met this dude once IRL and i only started talking to him last october. but i honestly... i have the capacity and ability to, i think, love him ?? lol sounds crazy but true for me. and honestly i look like  a fool. like im writing about this, think about him everyday, and i know that he doesn’t. like every song i listen to, i can relate back to him and its so annoying lol. also i cry just thinking about how he most probably  does NOT like me like dude my heart feels like it’s ripping apart lool. so sad ! LOL

i want him but i also want to get over him and NEITHER ARE HAPPENING. 

senior 2 so far

senior 2 so far has been okay. i still haven’t started clinicals yet... I am like kind of ready to now? it’s been nice though because i finished the bigger assignments for class and i guess have more time to study for HESI (not that i really have been though, yikes). 

I made a new friend at work, Christina. She kinda reminds me of LeAnne lol just a little. It’s cool because I don’t think I ever became like real friends with someone from work! I’ve had acquaintances and kept in touch with coworkers on social media but never had like a hangout-outside of work-kind of friend. 

my skin’s doing a lot better... kind of. still have hella bumps but i think i can live with it. it doesn’t feel as bad as it used to be. 

lowkey sick right now so i havent been able to run as hard/much/often as i would, but that’s okay. just listening to what my body is telling me.

seriously thinking about getting a tattoo. buttt idk, now that i am seriously thinking about it, i’m kind of scared of the commitment haha. like do i really need this forever on my body? and what if what i want isn’t what i want in like 1 or 5 years?? idk. i think i’ll keep thinking about it and if i still want one for sure by like the end of graduation, then i’ll get it.

went to my first book signing/event for Komal Kapoor’s new book and i almost cried. it’s so wild and amazing and crazy that her words LITERALLY translate what i am feeling. it just blows my mind. like her poems is literally exactly what i feel, no exaggeration. how crazy is that !! so if anyone wants to really know what i am feeling about a certain someone, go read her book “Unfollowing You” >.< LOL 

you make me make a fool out of myself but it’s as expected

nervous for 2019

wow can i just start off by saying : EW.

clearly, last year i was going through shit lol and i was very emotionally unstable and wasn’t myself/thinking clearly. i was shook by my breakup and i guess i was just in this boy frenzy period lol. I publicly apologize to everyone that i have annoyed about my relationship issues. 

it is now 2019 and i can happily/confidently say i am in a MUCH much MUCH better place lol. Thanks to everyone who was there for me/listened to me rant. Raymart and I are on good terms again lol. but i am done with that part of my life 

this winter break has been pretty good. i just worked a lot, started running, and hung out with friends. it was relaxing ! :) i hung out with michelle a lot and it was just nice talking. i love doing actual stuff with michelle but i think my fav thing is just talking. i also met up with jiyune and that felt like a small break through in our friendship LOL. Like we always catch up once in a while but when we met, we talked for literally 8 hours straight. we had a lot to talk about and it was really nice! i just love talking to friends heh. with the right people, i can never run out of things to talk about. love ya’ll! 

i am no longer AS confused as i was about boys lol. still confused about 1 person but... i think i will always be cri sigh lol. 

and now, i am SOOOOOO EXTREMELY stressed/scared/anxious about senior 2. capstone seems intense as fuck and so does my clinical instructor FUCk. but... i rather have an intense C.I. than a relaxed one. it’s important that i learn the most i can this semester. im def having the pre school anxiety. should def have a screaming/shrilling/shaking/shrieking session with michael

confused

i feel confused . 

://////

No longer super interested in A (tinder dude lol). he’s nice and cool and all but just lost interest in him while in New York lol. 

Now i’m talking to some dude which is confusing me. i feel like there are red flags but i just feel so comfortable being myself around him ? lol. im just really confused and sad and honestly i think im depressed lol

i think ive been depressed

halfway

this semester is almost halfway done. that is wild!

literally feels like it just started... I’ve been really super enjoying maternity and going through my OB rotation first. I seriously have so much passion for women’s health and my dream is to work in an OB department. And even further down the line, maybe I’ll become an NP and work at Planned Parenthood! 

I really can’t tell if i’m doing okay this semester because i feel like there is not much we have done so far. I have a peds exam coming up so we’ll see... I got an email from Sigma Theta Tau and honestly it shocked me. I mean, of course I’m happy about it but I just honestly never thought I would get an email lol. 

Tinder sucks as usual. I am like kinda getting into the guy I’m seeing. We’ll call him A. Lol. We hung out like 5 times now and every time has been so fun. I love how we actually do stuff but also talk a lot. He’s honestly so genuine and nice and understanding. Buttttt... not trying to get ahead of myself. I don’t want to think it’s something more than it might really be. Which is why I’m still kinda on Tinder, just talking to new (but cringey) people. Ugh but why does A gotta be husband material??? Lol. I wonder what he thinks of us hanging out. I mean he’s asked me before and I said I’m just going with the flow. But I feel like the more we hang out and do stuff ( ;-) ), the more this might mean something??? I shall ask him after like 10 dates hahahahah i really don’t know we’ll see if we last that long

relationships

school these days is OKAY. I think I did worse than i thought I would on the peds quiz but we’ll see... I think i’m getting sick bc my throat feels really uncomfortable and kinda sore. I hope it goes away soon!!!!! I hate being sick. 

Life is just so different these days. Only going to classes once a week feels different and I feel like i have so much free time on my hands. I kinda got a job... I am part of a caregiving company and now I should be able to find jobs through it. I hope i make the best out of it because I am moving soon lol. !! Yay

I am in a phase of my breakup where I feel very annoyed... and just want to erase memories. I am at that phase where I am thinking about the negative things and how it negatively affected me. But, thinking about the negative things also makes me thankful because I learned a lot from being in that relationship. I now can say what I want in a guy or how I should really feel about someone. I now know it’s important for me to be in a relationship where I can confidently introduce my partner to my friends without feeling embarrassed. It’s important for me to confidently answer why I like my partner and what made me attracted to him. It’s important for me to confidently answer anything about my partner to my parents without feeling weird or shy about it. I want to be proud of who I am with. So many things I now know how I want to feel being in a relationship and what kind of person I want to be with.

That being said, i am def not ready for a new relationship. I just want to focus on school... do things on my own time... and just meet new people. Which kind of makes me ugh about dating the guy I am “dating” (whatever that means) because I’m scared I will end up liking him or something. He is def someone I would boo up because he is tall af, cute, really nice, and he has a job. But again, just taking things slow... I guess he’s a friend or wahteva.

unstable

i am feelin quite emotionally unstable lol

i feel anxious a lot of the times but i’m okay today

listening to simp songs all day too ! lol im dramatic gosh 

:( :( :( :( :’( idk

ube ...

welp, i got 2 tickets to the SF Ube Fest and no one to go with so like any smart person i invited a Tinder date to go with me .. ??!??!?!? 

i honestly had no one to go with and im not even exaggerating... i even asked my mom so ya

I would go with my friend Kiki but she’ll be in LA (: (: (: (: fun timez!

i hope it goes ok.. honestly imma go very tipsy to avoid feeling weird or awkward. lol good advice from kim (thnx). 

i’ve been snapping this guy for like a week and he seems pretty normal. honestly not trying to wife him up- this is just for fun and by fun i don’t even mean hooking up !!! i just... need friends lmao. will update you guys (my 2 followers) about it L0L. damn im hella lame