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jjellydonutzzofficial · 12 days

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I'm So Scared And Feel So Guilty (Journey Blog #1)

I just lied my way out of an awkward conversation with Mom. Apparently while she and Grandma were out on an errand they decided to clean the car. Apparently I left my therapy sign-up sheets in the car back in December and forgot to finish them and sign them in (because first off, Grandma had to go to the hospital for diabetic shock (really low blood sugar), and life has a tendency to sweep people along). They found it. I had gotten halfway through filling it. I admitted shit that I would never admit to my family (ironic, considering I sometimes say that I can confide in them without fear).

Anyway, Grandma starts crying when they read this, and she's worried that I'll feel condemned. BITCH, I AM CONDEMNED! I'm GNC and identify as ace/pan, not to mention the criticisms I have about the faith.

Anyway, Mom came home, we talked about it. And as I mentioned at the start of this post, I lied: I told her that I didn't feel like a girl because we live in a conservative Christian state where the typical stereotypes of being a woman are the norm. She bought that and said that it was okay. I told her that I didn't feel entirely straight because of "girl crushes". She bought that and said that it was okay. Then I mentioned some of my issues with the faith. What's her go-to? "We need to leave it to God, ignore the fake people, and cultivate relationships with the genuine ones." The conversation went somewhat well, I don't think she suspects a thing, and the day is proceeding as normal.

One issue: The fact that her go-to whenever I raise legitimate issues about the faith is that we need to leave it to God. Question: if this is real, if Christianity is real, if Jehovah is real, if the JWs are the truth faith, why hasn't he done something about the people suffering in the world, whether by genocide or starvation or sickness? Why hasn't he done anything to protect the innocent from the evil? Why couldn't he have done something about Lucifer right there in Eden rather than dragging this out? Why hasn't he done something about the brothers and sisters making occasional jabs at Mom for having sex with a worldly guy and having me?

I know I've been stalling for a while on this, but I think it's time to take things seriously: I'm gonna crack down on my job hunt. I don't even care if I have to work as a cashier at a restaurant or grocery store or gas station. I need money, and I'm gonna work towards getting some money and making plans to pack and move, probably out of the country.

I don't want to leave - I don't want to leave Mom to fend for herself against the others, I love her to death! - and also I don't want to be alone, but I can't make her see. I know she sees the issues, but I can't make her see. I know it's only a matter of time before this bird leaves the nest, but I'm scared to be alone. She's the one constant in my life, and I'm secretly making plans to not just skip town, but the whole ass country!

I feel like I'm abandoning her, and it's killing me. I know I need to focus on myself, especially when I've been making others happy all my life, but I don't want to break her heart.

I think, for now, since I don't have a therapist, I'm going to record my journey here. If I pick up some friends on the way, that's great! But for now, I still need to find my voice, so this is the next best thing I can do while I prepare for this next chapter in my life. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and please, stay safe, no matter where you are or what you're doing.

#jehovah's witnesses #exjw #ex jw #leaving jw #lying my way out #i'm legitimately hurting #i love my mom #but i can't do this anymore #i can't do this anymore #i need friends #this isn't a joke #i need to build my social circle outside the jws #gender struggles #identity struggles #i want to be a better person #vent post #venting #personal vent

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jjellydonutzzofficial · 14 days

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If Eddie gets a Villain Arc:

Eddie: Anyone else feel like God is just toying with you however he pleases?

Eddie: He thinks he's s o o o o funny.

Eddie: Well, I'm about to be hilarious.

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jjellydonutzzofficial · 15 days

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Do you ever get a wave of nostalgia for a hyperfixation that’s never coming back with the same sort of melancholy with which you mourn a lost childhood friend

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jjellydonutzzofficial · 17 days

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Howdy and Poppy role swap 🐛🥧

Here’s a bit of extra art of their designs for you guys ☆ ～('▽^人)

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jjellydonutzzofficial · 22 days

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Something Weird That Bothers Me

You know what really grinds my gears?

When people mistreat their OCs. And I'm not talking about writing angst for them or putting them through shit if it's part of the lore/story or even if you just want to just because while you still love on them. I'm talking having a character just to hate them.

Like, okay, maybe I'm a bit of a softie (being raised as a JW probably didn't help with that), but when I make an OC, even if I write them to be an unlikable person, I still love them. They're like my kids. So the idea of making an OC just to shit on them and hate their guts and actually have vitriol for them feels kind of wrong to me.

And that's what really grinds my gears.

#pet peeves #ocs #original characters #original character #my ocs are my children #my ocs are my babies #how could you mistreat them #like ??#you know what really grinds my gears #grinds my gears #abusing ocs #writing angst for ocs #oc angst #oc abuse #maybe i'm just weird #maybe i'm just soft #i mean i was raised as a jehovah's witness #so that probably explains it #i'm a mother to my ocs

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jjellydonutzzofficial · 25 days

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Kindness of Strangers

Please pick up

I'm busy

I know, but this is an emergency

With shaking hands, Zuko found Mai's number and pressed the call button. It rang twice before her voicemail picked up. Zuko groaned and almost started crying.

Mai, pick up Seriously, it's an emergency I don't got out that often zuko. You can't let me have ONE night? Mai I think i need to go to the hospital My stomach. I think it's food poisoning or something Your stomach ache? Seriously? You're a big boy. You can handle an upset tummy Drink some tea

Zuko groaned again. It felt like something solid and hot was burning through his intestine. He tried calling Mai again. This time it only rang once before he was sent to voicemail.

Leave me alone! If you call again, I'm blocking you

Zuko dialed Mai once more. Sure enough, it went right to voicemail this time. She'd done it. Zuko felt bile rising in his throat along with panic. His uncle was out of town. Haru, his only other friend didn't have a car. An ambulance was out of the question. His father had removed him from the family insurance policy, and though his uncle was working on the details to add Zuko to his own insurance, that wouldn't kick in until the following month at least. All Zuko had in the meantime was the student insurance the university provided, and it didn't cover ambulance rides. That left just one option.

The unsteadiness of his legs was a bad sign. As was the way his stomach roiled in protest at the movement. The hospital wasn't far, though, Zuko reasoned. He made it to his door, then he stumbled out into the hall, not even bothering with his shoes. He heard a gasp, and realized his neighbor across the hall was there.

"Are you alright?" she asked. Zuko shook his head. Then, he doubled over and puked onto the tile floor. The neighbor-Zuko recalled he'd heard someone call her Katara.

"My stomach," Zuko groaned, clutching his side. Katara rushed over and tried to help him stand, but the pain wouldn't let him stand upright. He felt a cool hand against his forehead. Then is jerked away with a gasp.

"You need to go to the hospital!" Katara said. She pulled out her phone, but Zuko groaned and tried to stop her.

"No ambulance," he insisted miserably. "Can't afford it." Katara hesitated, and Zuko knew she was debating calling anyway. Finally she sighed and slipped his arm around her shoulders, and helped him into the elevator and into the parking lot.

"Don't you dare throw up in my car," she muttered, strapping him into the passenger seat of a small, blue sedan. She slid into the driver's seat and reached into the back. Zuko was vaguely aware of some rustling, but he didn't know what it meant until Katara passed him an empty plastic bag. She peeled out of the parking lot and raced the two miles to the hospital. The large, white building was in sight when Zuko made good use of the plastic bag. He was still clutching it minutes later when Katara helped him out of the car and into the emergency room.

The next bit was a blur. He was brought back to triage almost immediately where it was discovered he had a ruptured appendix. The words emergency surgery were the last words he heard clearly before he was being stripped, shaved and prepped for the OR. This, he would later decide, was a blessing. He hated hospitals, and this visit would've sent him into an anxiety spiral. As it was, he still had a moment of panic when he woke up attached to an IV and several upsetting sounding monitors, but the panic fizzled into confusion when he realized he wasn't alone in the room. Across from him, in the chair, his neighbor sat curled up under a thin blanket.

She must have felt him staring because she stirred, and then looked up at him. She blinked in confusion, trying to understand where she was and why, Zuko guessed. Then she smiled at him sleepily.

"The doctor said you'd be out a while," she told him. "Are you feeling alright?"

"I...yeah," Zuko said. He was fine, at the moment, though, he could feel the dull ache emanating from his side from where they'd taken his appendix out. "What are you doing here?"

"I didn't know who to call," Katara explained. "I thought you would probably prefer not to wake up in a hospital room alone. They said it was fine if I stayed."

"Oh..." Zuko eyes fell to his hand, to the needle and tube stuck into his skin. Whatever the IV was delivering seemed to be working. He was already feeling the haze of sleepiness creeping back in. "Thank you."

"No problem." Katara smiled warmly. "Is there someone you want me to call? I have your phone."

"Did..." Zuko swallowed hard. "Did anyone call me?" Katara glanced down at his phone and shook her head.

"No," she said. "You've only been here about three or so hours, though." Zuko sighed and let his head fall back. Mai hadn't called. He was irritated, but also a bit...relieved? That surprised him.

"Can you call my uncle?" he asked. He told Katara his passcode. As he drifted to sleep, he heard her telling his uncle that he was fine, and had already come out of surgery.

The next time he woke, the sun was up, and he was once again not alone. Iroh sat in the chair across from him, worry lines etched deep in his face. His entire body unclenched with relief when he saw Zuko open his eyes. He was, Zuko surmised, thinking of the last time he'd sat in a hospital room with his nephew.

"How are you feeling, Zuko?" he asked. He came up to Zuko's side and placed a hand on his wrist, careful not to disturb the medicine drip.

"Like lukewarm garbage," Zuko sighed. The events of the night before caught up to him and he jolted up, looking around. "Where's...?"

"That lovely young woman who brought you in?" Iroh chuckled. "She offered to stay, but she looked like she could use some rest. Very kind of her to sit with you."

"Yeah," Zuko agreed. Iroh cast him a sly look, one that Zuko was too heavily medicated to take heed of.

"She's very pretty, too," he commented offhandedly. "Even after spending the night sleeping in a hospital chair."

"She's too young for you," Zuko snorted.

"Indeed!" Iroh agreed emphatically. "But...she is just the right age for a handsome young man who happens to be studying at the same school and lives in the same building as her. One who now owes her a nice thank you dinner. One into whose phone I took the liberty of programing her number, and who should definitely call and let her know how he's doing."

"Uncle," Zuko groaned.

"I did tell her you would let her know you're okay," Iroh said. "I'm just saying."

"I'm dating Mai." That brought back the earlier portion of the night. Zuko looked around and grabbed his phone. Surely Mai had called him at some point. There was nothing from her. He tried calling her, but it still went straight to voicemail.

"Something wrong?" Iroh asked. Zuko sighed and shook his head.

"No, uncle. Nothing at all."

Zuko didn't hear from Mai until the following day. He hadn't tried to reach out to her again, so he didn't know when she had unblocked him. Suddenly, his phone started ringing and her name and picture showed up.

"Hello?" Zuko said groggily. He had been taken off the pain medication, but the effects hadn't worn off yet.

"Why is your door unlocked?" Mai asked. "Where are you?" Anger boiled up in Zuko's body, unhindered by the lingering drugs.

"The hospital," he told her dryly. "My appendix ruptured." He had at least the satisfaction of hearing her gasp.

"What hospital are you at?" she asked. "How long have you been there?"

"I've been here since I called you to tell you I needed to go to the hospital," Zuko snapped. Mai let out an irritated huff.

"Well, I would've come if you'd told me it was that serious," she said. "It just sounded like you were overreacting about a stomach flu! Where are you? When are you getting checked out?"

"They're discharging me tomorrow," Zuko told her.

"Do you need a ride home?" Mai asked.

"It's taken care of," he said, shortly. "Uncle's coming to get me, so you don't have to bother about it."

"Why are you being so bratty about this?" Mai demanded. "I said I was sorry!" She hadn't, but Zuko chose not to point that out.

"Where were you?" he asked instead.

"Out with friends." That answered absolutely nothing, but the tone of her voice told Zuko that was all the answer he would get.

"Whatever," he huffed. Mai was silent on the other end for a long moment.

"You want me to bring some food?" she asked. She sounded unusually subdued. "I can bring you something at the hospital, or I can make something for when you get back, tomorrow."

"It's fine," Zuko sighed. "I'm staying with Uncle for a few days."

"Are you going to be all mopey about this?" Mai demanded.

"What are you talking about?" Zuko turned his head to scowl at his phone.

"You're doing that woe-is-me, kicked puppy voice you do," Mai said. "I'm sorry I didn't rush over when you called, but I had been drinking, so it's not like I would've been able to take you anyway."

"So instead of saying that, you blocked me?" Zuko's grip on the phone tightened, and he resisted the urge to hurl it across the room. Surely it shouldn't be this hard being in a relationship. Surely it shouldn't be a battle to get his girlfriend to be sympathetic to him after he almost died and needed emergency surgery. The machine monitoring his heartrate started making an alarmed beeping noise, and Zuko forced himself to take a deep breath.

"You know what?" Mai said quietly. "I'm going to let you go. Clearly you need some rest."

"Mai-"

"See you later, Zuko."

The call dropped. Mai had hung up on him again. Zuko's heartrate dropped to it's normal pace.

Mai didn't call again after that, and Zuko didn't call either. She sent him a few texts during the time that he was at his uncle's house recovering. He sent her very short responses. He was fine. He would be home after his stiches were removed.

A day or two into his stay, another message came through.

Hey Just wanted to see how you were doing This is Katara, by the way. Your neighbor Your uncle gave me your number Hope that's ok

Zuko was fine with it, it turned out. More fine than a man with a girlfriend should be, maybe.

When he finally returned to his apartment, his first call was to let Mai know hie was home. She didn't live far, and she wasn't busy. Fifteen minutes later, she was at his door, looking sullen and bored.

"Glad to see you're okay," she said.

"Yeah." Zuko led her into the apartment and sat at the table. Uncle had left him with cookies, among other assorted reheatable dishes. He offered one to Mai. She declined. Then there was nothing else to stall with.

"Why did you block me?" he asked Mai. There was no heat in his voice, no anger. He genuinely wanted to know. Mai scowled at him.

"Seriously? You're not over that yet?"

"I just want to know why," Zuko pressed.

"You were bugging me," Mai shrugged carelessly. "I was out with friends, and I thought you were just trying to get me to leave early."

"When have I ever done that to you?" Indignation flashed through Zuko, hot and bright. Mai just shrugged again. She sat back in her seat and folded her arms.

"I'm sorry, alright?" she huffed. "Can you just drop it now?" Zuko leaned back and studied Mai. He had been with her for five years. She was his first ever high school girlfriend. Had she always been so dismissive?

"I needed you," he said. That made Mai roll her eyes skyward.

"I promise it won't happen again," she said. Zuko shut his eyes and shook his head.

He had other questions. Lots of them. For one thing it occurred to him that she might be cheating, and the reason she refused to answer or come to him when he called was because she was busy with some other guy. It wouldn't have been the first time. He could ask and give her a chance to lie about it. He could even pretend to believe her. Or she might be telling the truth and he was wrong about her cheating. It didn't matter, he realized suddenly. Her answer didn't matter, so he wouldn't ask.

"It won't happen again," he agreed at last. "Mai... I think we should break up."

Zuko's next call was to Katara. The day after his messy break up with Mai, having cleaned up the remains of his cookies and the plate they were on, Zuko dialed Katara's number.

"Hello?" she said, sounding uncertain.

"Hey...um...Zuko here." Zuko's face flushed hotly when he heard her giggle on the other end.

"I know," she said. "I have your number, remember? How are you doing? Are you back?"

"Yeah," he said. "I'm back. I'm feeling a lot better. A little sore, but I can get around."

"I'm glad to hear it." And she sounded genuinely glad. "You didn't have to do all that to meet me, though. You could've just knocked on my door and said hi."

"And waste an opener like puking my guts and almost dying in your car?" Zuko was rewarded with another giggle. She had a nice laugh, he thought. It was so easy to talk to her.

"It was a memorable opener, I'll give you that," she said, laughing again.

"Yeah." Zuko swallowed hard against his suddenly dry mouth. "I was actually calling to thank you. I don't know what would've happened if you hadn't been here."

"Don't worry about it," Katara said. "I'm just glad I was able to help."

"Yes, well..." Zuko chided himself for being such a coward, and he forced his next words out. "I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with me. To thank you! To say thanks for saving my life."

"Zuko, you don't owe me anything," Katara said gently. Zuko's heart fell into his stomach.

"Oh...I just thought I'd offer." He tried to keep his tone even and friendly as he hit his forehead with his other hand. Stupid. This was a stupid, stupid idea. "If you're not interested, I understand."

"I didn't say I wasn't interested," Katara said quietly. "Just that you don't owe me. I-I wouldn't mind having dinner with you. Just...you know, not as an obligation you think you owe me."

"Oh..."

Oh!

"What if it's not an obligation?" Zuko asked. "What if-I'm asking because I think you're kind and pretty and I'd like to get to know you better?"

Katara went silent for what felt like a nerve-wrackingly long time, but was likely just a few short seconds. Then she said the three sweetest words Zuko thought he'd ever heard.

"It's a date."

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