Thanks Bobby

The assurance that I will be able to go through the pain, loss, sadness, & grief has not always been imbedded in me.

When the moment of impact or trauma happens, I was not always able to process that & move on.

When it comes to heartache, I stay in a state of limerence. Forever romanticizing and languishing for years over what was lost or the potential of what could of have been- instead of honoring the pain, the emotions, the radical acceptance & feelings of what has happened, & choosing to accept & move on.

To move forward.

To create again.

To connect once more.

Or when it comes to my failures, the pain & trauma becomes internalized & because this ever sapping grasp that takes away any semblance of growth.

Instead of sitting with the pain & processing the trauma, and sitting with those feelings & beliefs, and observing them. And dismantling them, taking off this trauma's weapons one by one like a patient nurse slowly stripping away the armor, and the weapons to finally start to suture & attend to the wounds, I'm forced in a state of re-living those failures & re-believing those maladaptive beliefs. I don't let myself heal. It's a constant state of not trusting that I can move on from it and my brain/thoughts reminding me & making me relive that it was dangerous & it hurt, and it was exhausting- that I internalize that and believe that I'm not strong enough to face it & go through it & that even if I fall, I can get back up.

I was forming this story inside my head that could help me break free from this pattern. I look to Bobby Lee, and I remember as a kid looking up to him, flaws and all, and I saw someone who broke free. Someone that made it. And yet years later, this man who has opened up doors & trailblazed a path for Asian people who have established themselves as venerated artists & actors, still has this internalized belief & feeling of low self-worth, stemming from the early years of being told that they are not liked, wanted, worthy & belong.

This man that I look up to, that people of high renown look up to, & people who owe him for opening up that path- still struggle & are also working through those feelings of low self worth- when in actuality/ reality, they have done more than enough to outgrow that untrue belief.

This made me feel less alone, less ashamed, & more in control/ have more trust in the thoughts that lift me up. Bobby Lee's open-ness to sharing that struggle, made me feel like it was more believable to listen to the voices within me that lift me up- to listen to voices within me that love me & know my self worth.

It's almost laughable how my brain has learned to put weights on itself to protect me from those risks because in actuality, it's never that black & white. It's never that guaranteed. And more often than not, it's not too much of a longshot to go for things that seem like a longstretch.

Letter I made to help me let go.

If I had known that our chance reunion would be the only time I would have, I would have whole heartedly said,

"Thank you for your friendship. I know this is weird to say after not speaking for the last seven years- and yet, as I sit here with you now, it's like the ghost of my 17 year old self becomes alive for just this hour and sends me his feelings of comfort, elation, & and happiness of just being able to hang out with you."

To be able to feel such great heights of compassion & gratefulness from just seeing you & hearing from you- I interpret it to mean that my past self must have felt that all the time whenever you were around. What I mean to say is, you were so important to him- to me."

If I had known that this would be the last time I would be able to say sorry, I would have said,

"This might be me overthinking- AND it's completely unfair to you because instead of being vulnerable, -and asking you if you're comfortable and feel safe, I'm instead assuming I know how you feel- WHICH doesn't respect your autonomy- but I'm going to say it anyway because I'm scared of being misunderstood or making someone feel unsafe or creeped out or uncomfortable-

The way you left & at times, when you were talking about how unsafe you felt traveling on the subway, it made me think that you may have felt unsafe or put in an uncomfortable position.

And to keep yourself safe or not have to do something awkward or tough or unfair, you were nice to me and held out. I overthought this, and it could be me just projecting, but 9 out of 10 times- I've been good at sensing & empathizing how others feel (probably a skill I've garnered & honed since I was a kid, sorry for the trauma dump). Anyways, I just wanted you to know-

I'm sorry if I've made you feel unsafe or put you in a unfair position. Thank you for spending a brunch with me, & you can go your way & not feel the need to be nice because you feel like it's a risk not to be."

If I had known that this would be my last farewell, I would have said,

"Sitting with you having hot chocolate and you, your latte-

Chatting with you, sharing food, longanisa breakfast sandwiches-

Listening to you, hearing about your adventures & good things that you are doing-

This moment of connection made me feel at ease & grateful. I feel delighted we were able to meet again.

You know how I was saying that being able to see you again recalled, in me, intense feelings of compassion & gratefulness?

I also feel a sense of mournfulness tinged on the outside of those feelings of compassion & gratefulness-

Like how shades of the sky meet the sun on a water paint canvas.

I grieve & feel billows of sadness come up from the pit of my stomach and envelope my chest & into the back of my eyes when I think about how this is our last goodbye, & we are, together, letting go of this connection.

I love you & goodbye."

.....

I imagine I'm standing on the pier at some faraway beach. There are crates on the pier next to a boat. When I look in each crate, I see the memories & important things I've grown attached to in our friendship.

-The humor, fun, & joy we've shared.

-The feelings of seeing & being seen, of knowing & being known, of understanding & being understood.

-The companionship, belonging, & support we had.

And with each crate I look into, I close it shut & place each on the boat. And then say,

"Goodbye, I'm letting all these things go. I'm letting you go."

I say it. I say it again.

And again.

and again.

and once more..

With tears in my eyes, I keep saying this phrase until I see the boat slowly disappear into the horizon.

I turn around and breathe.

I breathe, and I see the sky clearing up. Spring is here. The air feels crisp & refreshing. I can hear the birds that are soaring through the wind. Leaves on the trees rustle through the breeze. There lays a path in front of me laden with sunflowers & daffodils.

Before I go, I can still hear a part of me saying to look back once more. Just one more time.

Before I can ponder it even more-

I step forward onto the path and start walking, head held high.

Just dumped 100 drafts into the dashboard. This is my way of releasing this into the world and moving on.

So one time in India, this man randomly came up to me in India, and it was a total chance encounter-connection type thing. He talked about like how the story of Sita and Rama may not hold true to everyone, but their stories don't have to be true to be effective. The lessons go above all of it. Stories change the world, and they tr

It's been more than a year since I started falling in love with her. As Neruda said, love is so short, forgetting is so long. I haven't talked to her in a while. And yet, this feeling will not go away. When I feel I have finally accepted it and moved on, it comes back up again, demanding to be felt. It's like there's this inner voice in me from the time I was deeply in love with her whispering in my ear. It says, "What are you doing right now? Don't you know? You love her! You once said it, and it felt like the entire night sky was filled." And I question that feeling all the time. Is it real? Is it illusioned? Tonight, I make my decision. I'm finally validating that I am irrevocably in love with her. Although, it doesn't mean I have to let myself live in that agonizing state. It's like a song, movie, or book that takes you into heavy felt emotions. I'll just accept that it makes me feel this way and put it on the shelf for now. I can live my life steadily without the bearing thoughts of her killing me.

Of the people I've met people, the ones I admire the most have the ability to touch many hearts. It's a short list, only three people are named. I met them during a recent course of six years. Before that? I don't think I had anybody to really look up to. The first one, I had a crush on that lasted for two or three years. Yeah, that's a long time span for a crush. Some would say it's too long that it has to be real love. Though I was naive with the crush and didn't have the capacity to understand my feelings, I felt there was something off and never pursued it. I just let it sit. Looking back, I can see that I put that person on a pedastool, "worshipping" her.

Here's some real shit, Jeremiah. It's 12:41am. August 18, 2014. Truth came on to find a place in my head. Worrying about finding love and happiness is some bullshit. Here's a real life situation. If you knew that your life will never find those two things, would you think life is still worth it? Of course. You know why? You're not the only fucking human being on this earth. So, yes. It's no fucking big deal. Yeah, feel lonely or sad on melancholy bullshit nights, but in the morning, and push yourself. Give yourself freely to others. Work. Work Work. Help. Help. Help. Help. Be compassionate. Tell the world to go fuck itself. If the world sets you up to receive nothing, fucking rebel against it and give as much as you can until you cannot give anymore. You cannot regret anything if you gave it your all. Love? Happiness? If it never finds its place in you, you make damn sure it finds its place in somewhere or someone else. GOD DAMMIT. GO. DO IT. NO MORE FEELING BAD FOR YOURSELF. LET IT BREAK YOUR HEART, YOUR SOUL, A MILLION TIMES OVER. BUT FOR FUCKS SAKE, KEEP YOUR BODY, YOUR HANDS IN MOTION SO THAT IT FINDS ITSELF DOING SOMETHING USEFUL.

It was hard to believe a year ago. Love can be so blindingly drunk. But yes, life is bigger than one type of love. I could not see how how how how you could live after losing someone who you love so much. But you can. Your body won't let it die. Pain is just a sensory to see where something is wrong. To keep us alive. That huge gaping pain that these people leave us when they go are just signs. Yes, what they gave us while they were there is necessary to survive, but now they're gone, your body, your soul is telling you to provide it yourse lf. Give give give. Love more. Receive when you can but goddammit, it has to come from you. Care for people. There is still so much to do you know? Dont let it cripple you down. Keep going.

I have this really cool real life story. It happened on a day where the day started very warm and sunny. Where this tale takes place is a flat, boring town. The people who were up in the morning seemed drab and uninteresting. This boy was sitting by a shitty cafe, looking out through these huge window panels. His mind wandered on and on. Suddenly, this girl texts him for a meet up later this afternoon. You see, he loved her and had not seen her in awhile. He agreed and felt really excitingly anxious. Although, there was one thing that was fervently against him. His metaphysical arch nemesis. This was time. Time tried its best to stop him. He thought it was nothing to worry about. After all, he wasn't down enough for time to get an hour ahead of him. But Time was tricky, while the boy headed to meet the girl, Time was taking action. While the boys' mind wandered, time advanced. This flat boring town became a booming metropolis in a matter of hours. The warm, sunny morning turned into snowy, late afternoon. The people became strange, different, and full of color. But although, the town traveled into the future. Time did not get ahead, but ah, Time knew this and made sure the boy was delayed by an hour. The boy wasn't prepared for this. It was cold, far too cold to travel like this. He had to take a detour to his home to get some warm clothes. Delayed. The buses worked differently than before. He had to figure out how to pay fare. Delayed. The snow slowed traffic down. The girl had been waiting for a very long time. She had to cancel the art show and dinner. He looked outside through the window panels. To him, the buildings seemed to grope the sky. His phone was dying. The streets seemed different than before. He texted her to say he would be turning off his phone to save the battery. She really had been waiting a long time. He finally got to his stop. He turned on his phone. He dialed her number. She answered. He asked where she is. She said she sees him. He can't see her. His eyes wandered for abit while coordinating with the girl to find her. He had a very goofy smile on. And then across the street, there she was. On this little corner, she was standing there. It was very cold. It was getting dark. A dull orange glow surrounded every thing. But there she was. He waited for the street light. Then, he ran to her, hugged her tightly, and spun her around. She did wait for him for a very long time. And it was very cold. He let go, but not before he noticed that her hand did not want to let go of his arm at least for half second. Her friend drove by to pick the two up. They were reunited. This would be a very sweet story and all. But Time is a real bastard to beat. Time planned before all this. See, what happened after was they talked. He noticed that their relationship had changed over time. And he realized he didn't enough time to start something new. He felt this distance between them. Things have changed. Nothing was the same. He wanted to say something important, but he was suffocated by this distance. He couldn't. She was right there waiting for him to tell him about his life. But his mind wandered and found nothing. He only had an hour with her. And it passed. They hugged goodbye, but it didn't feel as sweet. She left. He told her friend he was still in love. The friend would probably tell the girl. He took a deep breath as he left. It was very cold. It was very dark. He had to find a way to figure out how the train work. It took some time to figure out, but it was okay. His train was delayed. His train submerged underground. He looked through the window panels. It was very dark. But it wasn't so cold in the cart. I don't remember much of what happened after. Almost a month passed, soon he was back to the old boring town. Except it was a little bit colder and even more monotonous.

September 9, 2014 2:19am More than anything, I want to have a beautiful heart. I always questioned why I was so conflicted. Why is my heart full but so sad and in pain? Why is there never any peace in my mind? But now I know why. Because it's hardest thing to choose. Love is the hardest thing to choose. To be happy for others. To give yourself freely without any obligation. To be selfless. It's so damn hard. But it's worth it. The main question is what exactly drove me? The core? The fire? If I accomplished everything, what would make it not matter? It is to be kind. God, if I was an asshole... if I was selfish.. if I didn't give enough.. there would be no point in it at all. So give me the pain, the loneliness, the heartache, I promise I wont take it in vain. I'll use it to make me stronger. I'll use it to give more love into this world. Let me be kinder. Let me have a beautiful heart. With anyone who wants to help, I'll shoulder it all. Let love come in, yes. But damn it, I'll give as much love as I can.

Real goals.

I want a beautiful heart. A heart which gives as much as it can without ever expecting anything. A heart which smiles in the face of someone who cannot requite its loves. A heart which joy rings in others' laughter. A heart which carries your sorrow. A heart which gets angry when asked, "What about you and your feelings? You deserve to selfish." And screams back, "Fuck, that. Stop it I'm sorry.. Right now. Stop feeling sorry for existing. For being a live. Somehow. Someway. You came into this world. Your whole life was leading up to this point. Your encounters. Your experiences. All shaped you into the person I love today. And you were shaped into loving another person. Do NOT feel bad about exisiting. It's the worst thing possible. So go, fucking go. Don't feel bad for me. You be happy. And I'll become stronger. The pain I feel won't become meaningless. I'll use it to become a better person. With a beautiful heart. This pain is another experience that will shape me. Maybe for a special someone. Maybe for no one. Maybe for everyone. But god damn it, no matter what happens. When people look at my life, they'll see my heart." I want deeper eyes. Eyes with much understanding with every situation. Because its seen it before. I want to be tender to it all.

I was on the train thinking about how it would be coincidentally amazing if ____ and everyone else would per chance run into me. These were my little fantasies. And then there she was, she was moving a bike getting ready to talk to me. She had a smile that melted my heart. Everything felt heightened. My.heart jumped. Everything was up in the air. I got tunnel vision. Everything blurred away. So insignificant. But her, so important. That was it. That was the dream. And i couldnt believe it.

And all at once, I feel it as if it were brand new. I'm sensitive to heartbreak. To depression. To anxiety. To confusion. It all hurts like it did before. I'm alive once again.

This is your last chance.

Tonight, I’m reminded that I’m living my life half asleep, looking for the comfort and safety, rather than what I truly need- to live a life I am proud of.

I remember being a little child, when my grandma would stay up late with me to learn the facial features in English. I was excited and proud to learn and grow even if it meant sacrificing sleep.

And yet, here I am, prioritizing what shouldn’t come first. Here I am, compromising. And, I’m slowly suffering and becoming a person that I do not want to be.

I heard something today. I’ve always been listless and indecisive. I wander and wait until the answer is clear to me. I thought that one day it would just hit me- until I heard this, “To do something important, you need a little push. Belief? Motivation? Clarity? That comes way later. What you need right now is to go for it. You’ll always have doubts. You’ll always be scared. Push that away for a moment, and do what must be done.”

I don’t need a mission or calling in my life. I just have to go for it.

I’m not happy with my job, It does not fulfill me. -Go to school, no matter what somehow, go do it so you can learn and grow into a profession that does.

I’m lonely and want to have somebody to love -Search for her, go out on dates, & be true to who you are looking for; stay away from distractions

I want to feel that sense of bringing someone up- Trust your team, fight for them, choose something that will bring other people up

My family needs me, I can’t move- be honest with yourself, you have time afterwork. You want it? You will do it. You will sacrifice yourself to achieve your dreams. So fucking do it.

I miss my friends- you ran away, You were a coward.

I don’t want to have regrets- so what? Feel your regrets. Let it scorch your heart and never let you forget that you cannot make the same mistake.

I want to be kinder- then fucking do it. Make it your top priority.

I want to be fit- then wake up at 5am and run, I dont give a fuck.

I want to live a life that I’m proud of- it starts now. It really does.  Your friends is where it starts.

Your family.

BE AN EXAMPLE.

DONT LET YOUR LIFE GET AWAY FROM YOU.

Wake up, man. Wake up. 

-Jeremiah (2018) May 30th,

ive always liked redemption stories because maybe they'll accept me forme

I've always had the need to be heard and seen stemming from a lot of neglect in my childhood.

"Say something."

"What do you want me to say?"

"How you feel."

"It's a mix of everything. It's difficult. I just want you to be happy. If I can't do that, then I want you to be with someone who can. I'm trying hard to find my own happiness in that, but it gets  to me sometimes. I'm trying to find joy in your happiness, but there's always this corner of hurt in the back of my mind. Even though I want what's best for you, there's this pain that comes from the thought of not ever being with you. I know it comes from my selfishness. It tears me apart, and I hate it. But what can I do? I wish I could take it away, but I can't."