why does nostalgia always deceive and make everything look fine? as if there were all smiles, as it never burned you, as if your peace was never ripped away

all the pictures are taken from pinterest, none of them belong to me

watching the trees, burying your feet in the sand, hair floating with the wind, smelling the grass as the bees hum around wildflowers, or staring at the moon for hours. isn't this the point of living?

all the pictures are taken from pinterest, none of them belong to me

dog-eared pages, horrendous scribblings of rapid thoughts, and my name that simply became an extension to my academic identity...

and I would still do it all over again

all the pictures are taken from pinterest, none of them belong to me

you can't get rid of the shadows surrounding you

but you have to keep them behind you

all the pictures are taken from pinterest, none of them belong to me

and no other peace could suffice the mind like that which falls when the beginning and the end stand before each other

all the pictures are taken from pinterest, none of them belong to me

oh what a wonder, the nature! shedding and losing with all its life still intact...

all the pictures are taken from pinterest, none of them belong to me

i'm a simple girl: i see sunlight on the water, i find god.

I LOVE COMPLEX DATED ADVERBS. Wherein. Heretofore. Thereon. Hereunto. Whereof. Hitherward. Hereinafter. How can you look at these words and not lose your mind. They're insane. I think I'm in love.

logically I know nothing matters and everything is temporary but emotionally I am crushed by the weight of everything that has ever happened to me and ever will happen

“Know the difference between BREADCRUMBS and BREAD.”

—

–my therapist

My session today really lightened my load a little bit so I wanted to share something my therapist said as I shared how I was feeling to learn that narcissists wreaked havoc in my life because of my personality traits of codependency. I don’t BLAME myself for someone else’s behaviors, NO! I hold myself accountable for what is true about ME that I ALLOWED things. When I knew I didn’t like it but I went along to “keep the peace” and stuff like that especially with the “best friend” that all these years was NEVER really my “best friend”. No one FORCED me to participate in all the unhealthy connections I had.  My own unhealed traumas played a major part in my choices and a lot of those choices got me here with a SHIT TON of work to do. That doesn’t feel good to say. I’ve cried a couple of times wondering WHY DIDN’T I VALUE MYSELF MORE instead of look for other people to do something I wasn’t doing for myself. I should never have expected anything I wasn’t giving myself to come from anyone else especially not from some damn narcissists!

But a new day to be alive is a new chance to decide differently. To say NO! To implement boundaries. To BELIEVE there ARE more OPTIONS besides, “Sure,” and “OK, no problem,” like, “Not today,” and “That’s not something I can help with, I hope you get it figured out.” Because those responses are fine too. Somewhere along the line, I allowed myself to be convinced that they weren’t so the only way to undo that is to practice responding based on my true feelings.

I think these will be my favorite ones: “No.” and “Nah, I don’t feel like it.” No more concern with someone else’s feelings. Other people’s feelings WERE NEVER OUR RESPONSIBILITY! No more guilt about checking things against my wants and needs. Those wants and needs have to be established and paired with boundaries. I’m going to get the hang of this! I know I am.

I truly thought this Tumblr was going to be total madness towards narcissists that have taken advantage of me. AND IT MIGHT BE SOMETIMES! *LOL* But when I write all that and read it to myself, I start to feel like I need to love myself. I feel sad reading how often I took breadcrumbs which do not feed, nourish or promote growth like bread does.

I deserve to attract people with BREAD! People where we SHARE building up of each other…no more one-sidedness where I am DOING all the DOING. People that feel safe FOR REAL because they are and I learn what it feels to have that for a change…safety instead of fear of something. Self-love sets boundaries.  It creates better self-talk like, “That’s not safe for me, exit stage right…RIGHT NOW. No sticking around to “see” anything.” Self-love helps me keep me out of harms way.

a trail of fire ran along your merciful fingers burning, yearning and confounding me

all the pictures are taken from pinterest, none of them belong to me

when will i be free from the burdens of loving, caring, hoping and mourning? how long before i fail? how long before i can freely breathe?

all the pictures are taken from pinterest, none of them belong to me

hot girls eat breakfast and then fall asleep for an additional 3 hours

Fyodor Dostoyevsky, White Nights

i'm still stuck in that sweet daydream you've lulled me into for years

all the pictures are taken from pinterest, none of them belong to me

i would meet a thousand people and visit a thousand places, but home will always be where i am alone

all the pictures are taken from pinterest, none of them belong to me

what does it feel like, to not be behind the bars of reality?