everything’s getting lost in translation, baby

i’m faltering, barely treading water in your ocean

and i don’t know how deep it runs

you’re all defenses, rock-hard & abrasive

so saline that all i do is float

how bold of you

to think of me as temporary

try and wash me away like a current that doesn’t want me

i don’t care

that we are moving in different directions

and speaking different tongues

because every few years,

we become one.

this interplanetary orbit designed so perfectly

that you find your way back to me

and we are in each other’s arms, again

i don’t want you to be someone

i’m just passing through

i want the collision

the sparks

the fire

the symphony

chaos

catastrophe

desire

tell me it doesn’t feel like home when you’re with me,

you liar

convince yourself you’re better without me

that’s fine

but like a celestial event that happens once every thousand years,

my heart is really open for you this time

this is our window

our opportunity to be magic

i’m trying,

just show me how

or we’ll be left spinning away forever

into our separate destinies

and wishing we had

right now.

what wasn’t but almost was

“Do not love with the expectation of being loved, for that sort of love is not love at all; it is born of selfishness. Live to love, to give, for those things in this world that make you smile, that make you feel warmth, for that is where true happiness lies.”

— V.I.P.P.

we eat the original

black is the new black; the system has us chained when the tears mix with sweat they start to taste the same; brother, either you pick a fight or you pick cotton; black knowledge has been forgotten twice; this misbegotten life pulled from scriptures of metaphysics; paradoxical,   you can’t bend my physic; mind over matter; shinobi steps on egg shells so they won’t shatter; is death the former or the latter? my inner dialog can’t ever cut the chatter; mold the theory, the saga continues, doubly for the weary– spliffed stiff; working the stove with the box of Bisquick live fast, die quick; brand name dreams, slogans for thoughts, here we eat the original. from the top down; only check the calendar for birthdays and court dates; no ride, in contempt because I got to court late. I’m black so I’m ruled by the isms. poverty has been tattooed onto my cortex.

“But I must admit I miss you terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.”

—

Lemony Snicket

(via purplebuddhaquotes)

you always leave every time i give all of myself to you, you’re gone i could draw masterpieces in the sky tracing circles, making music with your smothered cries a haze in this darkness, pleasure in your closed eyes, i could build you paradise and you’d still leave every time i don’t. decide against my better judgment to believe your shifty words a solid effort but nothing in comparison to me and still probably all you’re capable of, all while knowing in my heart that you’ll never be enough i still don’t leave you let me stay long enough to get comfortable, make a home in your bones but not in your heart you let me settle love the way it makes you feel, like you’re the playmaker and any moment you could close this book and leave. you try - tell me you’ve changed and that you’ve realized my worth sifting through the things you discarded like garbage, picking up the pieces with your “i didn’t mean it” but it was a diamond you threw away & i should tell you you’re too late set my own standards instead of using your bare minimum ass as my benchmark, real talk why do i give you everything? why do i believe when you’ll just leave? take my gifts and mumble “goodbye” pull up your zippers and rattle your car keys and close up your heart and your lips, can’t even find the words to say thank you in the way i deserve, maybe it was never you, really maybe i should just leave but this is my home. you’re the visitor here, & i am just the dutiful host so when you show up late and overstay, run me dry and eat your fill and walk away, i can’t leave. i live here, and this is the way i’ve always been needing you to want me more than needing you to earn me these walls are all i know you’re self-congratulatory, always on your own team take what i give you and sigh as i bleed, pretend it hurts you when you don’t even know how it feels to watch you leave after i’ve given you everything (i’m still catching my breath, darling) after you get your fix the miserable ending i can always predict but the audience begs “no more” maybe it’s time for me to close my doors, time for you to leave.

lock the door behind you //

every time i worry you do not love me⁣⁣⁣ i remember you are not real⁣⁣⁣ and i smile⁣⁣⁣ the universe has such a curious way of revealing itself to us⁣⁣⁣ in layers ⁣⁣⁣ in lessons⁣⁣⁣ in fingerprinted lenses⁣⁣⁣ my darling, you enrapture all of my senses⁣⁣⁣ but that doesn’t make you truth ⁣⁣⁣ this body⁣⁣⁣ this mind⁣⁣⁣ this heart⁣⁣⁣ all just the lens through which i see the world,⁣⁣⁣ and not the globe itself⁣⁣⁣ you can tell⁣⁣⁣ by the way the lines dribble off the page⁣⁣⁣ the way situations echo each other⁣⁣⁣ the coincidences⁣⁣⁣ the way the lessons overlap⁣⁣⁣ every person’s story so infinite, so intimate⁣⁣⁣ and repeating, again and again⁣⁣⁣ there is a beautiful machine at work here⁣⁣⁣ there has to be a bigger plan ⁣⁣⁣ and so how foolish i am, how precious⁣⁣⁣ to think i could ever understand ⁣⁣⁣ this infinite creation⁣⁣⁣ i need only to surrender, to give in and accept that “i” am not a person but a concept ⁣⁣⁣ a cog in an ever-turning wheel,⁣⁣⁣ a brilliant one that can think and feel⁣⁣⁣ how beautiful; how dizzyingly surreal⁣⁣⁣ so my angel, how can you fear me⁣⁣⁣ when you are me?⁣⁣⁣ and the only illusion was separation⁣⁣⁣ between us⁣⁣⁣ we are made of the same life force as everything around us⁣⁣⁣ the god that creates us and unites us and breathes inside of us⁣⁣⁣ you can tell⁣⁣⁣ you can tell⁣⁣⁣ because i see so much light in you and in me as well⁣⁣⁣ and in the stars and the trees⁣⁣⁣ and in coffee mugs and fax machines and in self expression⁣⁣⁣ in poetry⁣⁣⁣ and i want to do better⁣⁣⁣ and i want to be free⁣⁣⁣ but this world is not what’s holding me here⁣⁣⁣ simply teaching me, it is a part of me⁣⁣⁣ that which is eternal is our only reality⁣⁣⁣ can you feel it? do you see?⁣⁣⁣ you cannot hurt me⁣⁣⁣ if you do not stay⁣⁣⁣ because i’m still smiling, still dreaming ⁣⁣⁣ & i will love either way.

māyā ahaṃkāra ca | an awakening

go ahead, sexy. get this girl out of your system self-discovery; do you what you need to do but then come home to me because, baby, i want everything with you. tell me, is she even half of me? does it feel like electricity when you’re kissing me? does she awaken you, how does it feel, her energy is it like what you have with me? when you’re making love to her, do you smile? it’s your business what happens in your bed serotonin levels and real estate in your head that shit is precious; but you’re in mine all the time and i feel so alive being with you is like drinking water, like i need it to fucking survive i want to fucking hold your hand and look in your eyes i want your fingers around my neck and your head between my thighs and baby, i’ve never been good at goodbyes, i want to go again and again one more time. one more time. so go ahead and hold her tonight if that’s what you feel  go ahead and kiss her and tell me how it feels i understand i know it’s difficult to know what you need exploration is essential to self-discovery, and honestly, your other woman doesn’t bother me because i know i know  our electricity doesn’t exist in a vacuum you got so much left to show me, baby this story isn’t over yet and you’re tripping if you’re thinking i’m letting another bitch write the ending: cause i’m not someone you’re gonna forget. so go get her out of your system, i get it. do you. i’m sure she’s great but i’m still thinking of you, just biding my time come here, baby we’ll be worth the wait.

soft limits // it’s not that serious 

the truest version of myself? you have never met her. because i haven’t either. i can’t recognize her in a crowd, trace the outline of her features in a mirror, sometimes i’m not even sure if she is here; i need to pinch myself to bring her back. the only things i know are what she is not, the things i do not want her to be, the battle between things that threaten me vs. this ideal of perfection she could be, if i just followed the rules & did everything perfectly, and so i think i know all the answers to my problems… and i look for people to bear the blame for me. she is pure. you are evil. she is trying her best. you are taking advantage. this filthy double standard digging deep in its damage. she is blameless, benign, melting in your hands, you are all fire and knives, playing sculptor with your dirty dance. and this is why i’ll never give us a chance. you’re changing me, you’re changing me, i scream, when the only reality is that i’m changing, and i’m not sure what that means. i didn’t know real love could feel like perfection. i didn’t suspect for a second that the intentions behind your ardent affections could be anything short of malevolent, didn’t know that you were changing too, didn’t recognize what you were showing me. you breathe power and life and energy into everything, you pull it off so flawlessly, how could you possibly need me? it’s scary to think that my instincts are not invincible. that i was wrong about you so many times. that i was so scared of you, and ultimately, the blame was all mine. because how can you be true to someone when you’ve never been truthful a day in your life? how do you stomach the realization that the fraud was you, all this time? countering all your suspicions with the sickening realization that your self-fulfilling prophecies birthed every concern that taunted you so endlessly… darling, you are not the problem. i’m just not ready. but you’re the most beautiful light i’ve ever known. and i hope someday, after all this insanity has settled, that i will be. until then, i am working on finding the truest version of myself. and i hope someday you’ll meet.

trust issues, thinking too much, and (finally) taking responsibility

you need to love yourself first - part I

The truest version of myself? You have never met her, will never know how she feels to the touch. You’ll catch a glimpse of my soul, perhaps, in between the cracks, the flickers of authenticity you draw out of me, but you’ll never know the full story. Why? It is like you and her are magnets, the repelling kind. Like you two are on different wavelengths, despite everything that unites us. Mutually exclusive. Can never exist in the same place. You push her so far down inside of me you make me forget my own name. What am I yearning for? Who am I anymore?  There are different facets with you. First, there are the sounds that come out when I open my mouth. Air. Airs, all false and flawless and fabricated, the things I think you want to hear, this perfect version who is never without an answer. I pull strings from every corner of me to create her, you know. I’m young, so there isn’t much of me. Is she good enough for you? Is it good enough? My fingers are numb from trying. There are tears in this gossamer fabric. Then, there is the blood. This liquid weakness, pouring straight from my heart. So strange, how you can strike me and part of my being spills out, without me ordering it to. I have no control over blood; it is a part of me, how can it just leave? Surging out and betraying me. These involuntary actions, little flutters of the heart, little cuts and wounds on my rock-hard resolve, hot like embarrassment and pooling warmth. Producing responses I cannot command and decisions for which I never planned. You do these little things to me that make me lose control. The worst part is, these last few lines probably read like a caress to your ego. Then, there are the echoes. The voices buried in the chasm of my soul, the whispers, bouncing off my walls until they ring louder and louder, like a warning call. They start off as instincts, shrewd and smart, the closest reminders of what I really want, but they are made louder by fear. Weakened by your words… and blood. I want to be brave, I tell myself. I am not ruled by fear. But what if the echoes are who I really am? All that is left in the face of an all-consuming you, what if listening  to myself is what’s truly brave? I hope they are not angry with me, tuning them out for so long in this senseless surrender. I hope one day, we will both be able to hear them. You know, sometimes, when the stars align, it feels like we really understand one another, and it feels divine. But truthfully, it’s just one facet of me, and the others are waiting in line. Tell me, what is it like to know who you are? Do all the sides of you converge, are you just you all the time? Every piece of me exists when you are around, but some of them like to hide. And some want to be seen. And some you just draw out of me. You’re powerful, I’ll give you that. But so are we. And I am getting to know the truest form of myself. And she is someone you’ll never meet.

age gaps, second guesses, and dating someone who makes you different

you need to love yourself first - part II

Aishwarya Rai, Ab Ab Laut Chalen, 1999.

and if our love story were to be written, i would ask for the author to not waste paper. our plot doesn’t go far. the climax wasn’t something the readers wouldn’t see coming. the resolution isn’t a happy one. save paper. skip the sweet metaphors. our story isn’t worthy of that. get to the point. i fell in love, and he didn’t. and like every other love story, it didn’t work out. we didn’t make it.

i don’t want to write it, don’t waste paper // kira malibu

they’ll ask us over and over why we do this to ourselves why do we choose this barricade, this labyrinth of love with no escape why do we live in this world of phone calls and tears falling, stalling, intermittent honeymoons and out-of-sync days? my darling, they’ll never realize our love is worth the wait; our love is worth the wait. and i know i’m not crazy when i say that when i look into your eyes, the universe seems a little kinder and no one but you could ever make it feel that way i’m not insane! i think insane is searching forever, wandering through wastelands and never knowing you’ve found the answer i don’t want to go through eternities with my eyes closed, i want all of this with you! and yes, it’s painful. those moments of separation where i can feel you slipping, i can feel us drifting apart it’s confusing and dreary but my angel, don’t fear me no part of this is easy except the choice to be with you, underneath it all. because love is never simple, and love is always hard but if in spite of the barriers, someone brings you more light and joy than anyone before ever could? more pureness wholeness innocence tenderness love? kindness selflessness patience love? love love is never the question and always the answer; today, in spite of everything, i choose love i choose you! i would over and over i am making this promise to you, my lifeline my answer and you can sleep soundly and be confident that nothing else matters, i am not throwing away my forever, i am never giving up so they ask us why we love in spite of the distance. the universe does not consider zip codes when it plants the seeds of destiny; no matter how far you are our roots are intertwined, you complete me this labyrinth of love is my sanctuary, and i can’t wait for the day you will come and live in it with me but for now, we’ve got each other, hands clasped through this barricade i choose you, always. our love is worth the wait.

no part of you was a regret.

// i want to know, date and time and hour of daylight, the precise moment i ceased to matter to you.

you tell me you love me; i don’t feel it. where is your love? where is it? where did all of that energy go.

i’m broken, by the simple act of your nonchalance.

yes, an act.

yes, it is a decision.

we choose what we love, who we give our energy to, we are what we repeatedly do,

this was a decision you made,

this is on you.

fuck.

you make me settle. you made me forget what it is to believe in love.

i remember when i was so swaddled in your happiness the words wouldn’t come but you have made me so broken i am writing again.

i just want to be happy again, and instead, i am trapped and parched,

searching for shelter in a monsoon.

you love like a blue moon. i dream of a love like stars.

burning, beautiful, infinite.

but there are no galaxies here. just a flower, dying of neglect.

save me. help.