time unknown -5

You want to live You want to die Wave your loved ones goodbye Tell the, we wish them well Cause darling, we're going to hell

time unknown -6

One cause you're a bad person Two cause you pretend to be good Three cause you feel too much Four cause you're letting lose Five cause you feel nothing Six cause you have no esteem Seven cause you're condescending Eight cause you did nothing Nine cause you're to blame Ten cause you said shit Eleven gauze you feel like shit Twelve cause big girls don't cry Thirteen cause you're stripped of all emotion Fourteen to help you breathe Fifteen so you're dead on your knees.

time unknown -4

When I was five, she told me that I could be anything I wanted to be, So I told her that I wanted to be happiness. She laughed, patted my head and said that we'll see. When I was seven, I wanted to be a pilot. Traveling across the globe, with my own hands, Exploring like Dora She told me it was dangerous and unrealistic. When I turned nine, I wanted to be a princess, With fancy ball gowns and dazzling tiara She told me it was impossible unless I marry. When I turned eleven, I wanted to be a teacher, to be able to watch young minds turn into beautiful people, Boys to gentlemen and girls to fine women Or girls to gentlemen and boys to women. She told me no, it doesn't pay well. When I turned thirteen, I wanted to be different. Have tattoos and wild hair She told me no, its not 'cultural'. When I was fifteen, I wanted to be dead. She told me that that, I could

time unknown -3

We all communicate, but I don't think any of us communicates enough. We have a plethora of words in front of us, but it's still never enough to tell you how much you mean to me. It's still never enough to tell the person I just got off the phone with how lovely they are. It's still not enough to tell you what I feel. It's still not enough to tell you what your laugh does to my brain. It's still not enough, and I don't think it ever will be

time unknown -1

I'm done. I can't pretend

I'm sorry but this has to end

Thoughts are too loud. I can't cope

I have lost all hope.

Days numbered. Close to the end.

Surrounded by people but still no friends.

Shattered to much. Can not mend.

~~0816.

I was thirteen when I first thought of doing it

Up until now, it was my nails clawing into my skin

It was scratching till my skin turned red

It was walking up and down staircases to clear my head

I was thirteen when I learnt that we don't talk about our problems at home

Oh, no. We sit in silence. We deal with them alone

I was thirteen when I first did it. Just a small cut, a tiny slit. Barely any blood, barely any pain, but at that instance, I knew I'd found how to hold on to the reins.

I was fourteen when I became addicted. Up until then I used it only when nothing else sufficed. But day by day I was feeding a vice

It was easy to get rid of my thoughts, my pain

Just a few lines and peace I'd gain.

I was fourteen

And then one day a cut wouldn't suffice

I drew and drew on my body, neat, parallel lines.

And to everyone else, I seemed fine.

Fine, no. I seemed great. I'm cheerful, I'm happy, I'm living a lie. Little did they know, that when I go back home, I shut the bathroom door, and I collapse on the floor.

I bring out my knight in shining armor

Physical pain was my savior

And once it was done, 

I'd watch

I'd watch as my skin neatly parted, and blood trickled out, so slowly and clotted.

I'd watch as the skin around turned red and rose in lumps and it cleared my head.

And when the rush had ended and it all came back, I'd do it all over again.

I'd carve out lines and lines

Until my legs became patterns filled with geometric designs

And the next day, when I'd take a bath

My leg stings and I knew I had to do this to keep from falling apart

And whenever I'd pull down my pants and sit down to pee, red blisters glaring at me,

A constant reminder that I. I was unhappy.

And my leg looked like fragments of flesh that was sewn together with red thread

But I'm falling apart and I just want to be dead can't shut my head can't breathe can't read can't do anything to succeed

I was fifteen and I decided to stop. No more drawing on my skin, no more fresh scars.

I've been clean for six months but shit ain't any better and everyday, I'm wondering why do I bother. My parents saw the scars on my arms and they just looked at me with their eyes so empty, so blank. I wish I could go and never come back. And just when I think I've got it together, my brain restarts and I'm losing control and I can't I can't I can't. 

080117

a p o l o g i e s I hate this. I hate seeing you like this. I hate seeing you suffer. I hate that you have to go through so much pain. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve any of the shiitake you're getting. I wish I could be there for you. I wish that I could be of some help. I really do. I wish I had the capability to do something. Anything. Anything besides watch. Watching your burn to ashes And watching you attempt to rebuild it While the cinders are still hot And watching you burn yourself while you're at it. I wish I could help you I wish we could do it together Rebuild. Restore the broken shards. You do not understand how badly I wish I could. You do not understand how utterly useless I feel To know that you're hurting so bad And still not being able to do anything about it. I'm here for you. We both know that, don't we? But that's not of much use. That's not of any use. What good is it to be there for someone when you cannot help I'm watching your world burn I'm watching your heart being torn to shreds And I hate myself Cause I can't do anything about it. I'm sorry. I'm so fuxking sorry about all the illusions I might have created. I have no answers and I am powerless to help you. But I swear. I swear to god I will do anything Anything in my power And beyond to be of some, To be of any help Give me the word And I will tear this world to the ground I know I may not seem like it. But I will burn this fucking universe to the ground. I will scorch the heart out of those who treat you like shit. I will rip the souls out of those who make you miserable. And judge me all you like, but I don't care. I don't care if you are being wronged or if you are the one who is wronging her. I do not care. Judge me, be harsh. But I will shatter them, I will tear them apart, I will obliterate their world. Just give me the word and give me a cause. I am with you. And don't you ever doubt that. I am with you, I am ready to stand beside you. I am ready to head to war, unarmed. And I don't care if they'll be a loss. I don't care if it means I have to die. I want. I need you to be happy. And you cannot comprehend. How badly I need this. And you can never understand what it means to me. And you don't have to. I started out thinking that I am unbiased. That I will not do anything, say anything without knowing everything. But now? I'm not so sure. Living in the limbo, right? Regardless of whatever I say. I am still powerless. I cannot tear down any worlds but my own and I cannot rip out any souls but my own. I cannot obliterate any world, but my own. And I am willing to do that. I wish I could express what I am feeling, right now. Watch me burn. No. No. That is not what I want. I wish you'd understand without me having to physically say it out. But that's the kinda impossible we all aspire for. I wish I could go maniac and actually do everything I say. Do everything I think. But we both know cowards exist and here I am. It seems despising, does it not? How quickly I can get fired up. How I'm all words and no action. Okay idk.

120217

Fortune doesn't always manifest itself into circumstances or experiences. Fortune doesn't have to be life changing moments or defining moments. Fortune doesn't have to manifest itself as miracles or grievances. Fortune. Fortune, if such a thing does exist, can be seen in the simplest of things. The smile of the person walking down that corridor. The warmth of your blanket. The salt in your food. Isn't it all the same? Is it faith or destiny or an interweaving force of the universe that binds us together and makes us cross paths? Is it simply a whole bunch of coincidences? Perhaps, those are questions whose answers we are far too puny to know. Perhaps those are answers best left unheard. But regardless of what it is and who has devised this master plan called life, I think we all our extremely fortunate, after all, who isn't? But are we grateful enough? All great art is gratitude. True as it may be idk where I'm going with this XD

210217

You know not of the power that you hold. 

You possess enough energy to tear down walls and break down barriers. 

Your words can shatter worlds in a few minute moments. 

Your actions can incinerate people to nothingness. 

You know not of the power you hold. 

You can unfurl secrets stored deep within. 

You can build magnificent monuments on ruins and graves. 

You know not of the power that you hold.

You have the ability to upturn universes and unveil the monsters hidden deep below. 

You know not of the power that you hold.

You can raise the dead and kill those still living.

Snap your fingers and these feelings, 

these emotions 

the very foundation of what makes us human will flicker. 

You know not of the power that you hold.

240317

What is this, that I feel? Why do I flutter? Why am I never satisfied with what I have? What is this that I feel? Cause right now I am more loved than ever before Right now. I have people in my life who mean the world and beyond to me. Then what is this, that I feel? There are people who are here. They are people who say they love me. They are people who I love so very much. I am loved. I am wanted here. Am I not? So what is this, that I feel? Why does it never seem enough? Why does it feel like I'm giving more than I should? Why do I feel unloved? Why do I feel unwanted? Why does every text have a sinister feel to it? Why does every word have a cold, ghastly touch? What is this that I feel? Why does everything seem detached? Why do I analyse everything that you speak? Why does every word reach me only after layers upon layers on layers of scrutiny. What is this, that I feel? Why do I crave what I cannot have? What am I not satisfied with what I do? Why is my thirst never satiated? So what is this, that I feel? What is this, that I feel? God help me i am lost.

We're teenagers 

We're born to be wild and free 

All we ask Is that you let us be 

We're teenagers

Let us make our own beliefs 

Let us have our own taste

It's our lives 

And no, we won't let them go to waste

We're teenagers

 Let us make reckless decisions

Help us follow our crazy passions 

Let us experience young love

Let us learn from our muddle ups

We're teenagers

 Let us challenge old beliefs

 Let us question conforming to society

 Let us break a few rules.

 Let us make new rules

We're teenagers

Let us make our own mistakes

Let us play against the stakes 

Let us make our own history 

Let us learn out own lessons 

We're teenagers 

Watch us rise from our ashes 

Watch us dazzle in flames 

Each free and unique 

The way we're meant to be. 

 We're teenagers 

So please, 

Don't ask us to grow up.

210916

when I met you you seemed perfect. 

with a glint in your eyes 

and a smile in your face 

you seemed flawless. 

and then we started to talk. 

and we talked some more 

and we talked and talked and talked

and the more we talked

the deeper i fell. 

you weren't perfect 

not even close 

the more we talked 

the more imperfect you seemed

and the deeper i fell in love. 

i love an imperfect person 

i fell in love with your imperfections 

i wish you could see yourself the way i do. 

i wish you'd fall in love with you.

My brain is messed up. You say I love you. I believe you don't. You say I love you too. I believe you feel obligated. You say I care. I believe that I have harmed another. You say you matter. I believe you're oblivious. You say ily. I believe you that you fucking don't. You say you're nice. I believe you're delusional.

How long will it be until you give up on me? How long will it be this time? I'm sorry I'm shit. Lord, this is shit. I can't write. XD

271216 guilt.

I hope you know that it could have been me.

So, when you're starting down at the ground, 50 meters above, And when you use the railing for support, And as you attempt to still your beating heart, Know that it could have been me.

So, when you try to keep yourself from shaking, As you place one leg over the ledge, And as you breathe to steady yourself, Firmly before you leap, Know that it could have been me.

So, when you're convulsing so hard that you can't breathe, And the rain and tears mix, just enough to suffocate you, And leaves you gasping for the breath you no longer desire, Know that it could have been me.

So, when that piece of metal glimmers against your skin, And creates an artwork of destruction, And as your blood escapes from the arteries that once bound it, Know that it could have been me.

So, when you close your eyes and empty the contents of your fist into your mouth, And when the glass slips and shatters, so do you, into oblivion, And as the darkness closes in, enveloping you, and your heart slows to a stop, Know that it could have been me.

So, when you look up to the ceiling to admire your handiwork, And as the loop embraces your neck, As your feet kick away the chair to leave you hanging, Know that it could have been me.

So, when you have that machine pressed against your head, And you pray for the ultimate deliverance before the click, And as you plan to breathe your final breath, Know that it could have been me.

So, when you're sitting there, planning six months prior to the deed, And as you compose the final letter in your head, And when you give up cause this time you've spiraled too deep, Know that it could have been me.

So, when the light begins to fade from your eyes, As your final breath escapes your lungs, And as your heart stills and your blood runs cold, I think, you should know, That I will always believe, That it should have been me.

It should have been me. It  s h o u l d  have been me.

211016

No. Stop. Don’t react. Don’t speak. Don’t. Just don’t. Wait. Comprehend. Is this really so unexpected? Is this really out of the blue? Is this really a shock? No. Stop. Evaluate. The signs were there. Right here, right under your nose. You did see them. We all did. But we’ve all been too blind. No. Stop. Don’t cry. Don’t collapse. Don’t moan. Don’t. Just don’t. Do you feel it? The pressure welling up inside of you? Feel like you’re gonna burst if you keep it in any longer? Hold it in. Feel it. Feel that feeling. That was me. For the past two years. That was me. No. Stop. Don’t release it. Don’t let go. Don’t show it. Don’t. Just don’t. Tired? That’s how I felt Every. Fucking. Day. How’d you miss it? The lifeless look on my face The dead eyes The bags underneath The silence The solitude How the fuck did you miss it? No. Stop. Don’t repent. Don’t regret Don’t mourn. Don’t. Just don’t. How do you feel? How does it feel? How long can you live like this? Think you can beat my score? Two years. Can you match up to that? No. Stop. Don’t. Don’t attempt to. Don’t even try. Don’t. Just don’t. You cannot do this on your own. You will not survive on your own. There’s a corpse down below, Proving my point. No. Stop. Don’t keep it in. Don’t bottle it up. Don’t try to suppress it. Don’t. Just don’t. Feel. Feel what you feel. Feel the sadness. Feel the anger Feel the guilt You are allowed to feel this way. These feelings are valid. No. Stop. Don’t deal with it on your own. Don’t try to fix yourself. Don’t wait for it to pass. Don’t. Just don’t. Cause it never will. Get help. Talk to people. People care. Make them useful. Talk to them Talk to everyone. Don’t let yourself spiral down that path The corpse below is what’ll be left. No. Stop. Don’t go that way. Don’t follow it’s lead. Don’t. Just don’t.

121016

Be still, my beating heart For tonight is not the time. Be still, my trembling heart, Do not attempt to leave your cage. Be still, my quivering heart. Do not follow the other. Be still, my quavering heart Do not fall for another. Be still, my crumbling heart, You still bear the scars of the past. Be still, my faltering heart. You are yet to heal from the last.

181116

Don’t be afraid to love. Love immensely. Passionately. Love until you’re gasping for breath. Love until you can’t breathe. Love until you’re dead. 

-

And when your heart gets broken. It’s bound to, it’s a fragile thing. And when she shoots the bullet. When she rips it right out. And returns it, hollow, riddled with holes. Don’t stop loving. Yes, your heart’s empty. But who said empty is a bad thing? Empty means there is more room. More room for love, for people, for an abundance of joy. So when your heart gets trampled upon. And when he walks all over it. Crumbling it to fine dust. Grieve. Feel. But don’t ever stop loving. Mend yourself. Put back together your broken pieces. Remember, it’s kintsukuroi. Easy does it. Handle it with care, precious. Let it set, let it heal at it’s own pace. And the result. Marvel at your creation. For it’s bigger and better than ever before. Love, my friend. Once again like it’s the very first time. Love, like you’ve never loved before. Love, my friend. Every moment. Every minute. Every second that you can. Love, my friend. Love as much as you are capable of. Love beyond that. Love, my friend. Cause I’m in dire need of it.