Rose: “Struggle with depression” would seem to imply that I am bad at being depressed when I am, in fact, very proficient at being depressed.

Missy: What the fuck. Missy: ESPN is showing 2003 national jump rope championship. Missy: Who the hell watches jump rope competiti- ooh bouncy.

Jack: I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say ‘wow’ that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are.

Dhawan!Master: We have fun, don’t we, Clara? Clara: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.

*Martha is speaking on the phone* Martha: Yeah, I'm with Simm!Master. Simm!Master: Im fucking dying- Martha: Yep, they're okay. Simm!Master: I have a knife in my chest! Martha: No, they can't talk right now. They're sleeping, sorry. Simm!Master: IM BLEEDING OUT-

Martha: I’ve been here in jail so long I think I’ve lost my mind. Martha: The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months. Martha: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year? Dhawan!Master: This is Monopoly.

Donna: Blackmail is such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it sound cool.

Jack: Why is Clara crying? River: They saw a leaf on the sidewalk and- Clara: IT LOOKED SO CRUNCHY! Jack: Please don’t say what I think you’re gonna say- Clara: AND WHEN I STEPPED ON IT THERE WAS NO CRUNCH! Jack: NO, NOT THAT!

Rose: Isn't it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?

Martha: Today, Rose took my phone, and in five minutes, they sent high resolution close-up photos of Jack to the following people: Simm!Master, River, Clara, the neighbors, the bank, my accountant, San Diego Blood Bank, and Shake Shack's text bot.

Clara: Compliment me. River: You have eyes. Clara: Yeah, that works.

Missy: You look mentally ill. Martha: I am. Let’s go.

Martha: Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into bats to get out of all social situations.

Donna: *Texts a selfie to the group chat* Hey besties!! Jack: *Texts a selfie clearly parodying Donna's* hey besties !!1! Donna: I literally hate you so much.

Jack, texting: The Doctor, will you please go to sleep? The Doctor, texting back: What makes you think you didn’t just wake me up? Jack, yelling: I CAN HEAR YOU CLAPPING TO THE FRIENDS THEME EVERY TWENTY MINUTES SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP! Jack, texting: Just a hunch :) You goin’ to sleep soon? The Doctor, texting: I’m trying Jack, yelling again: TRY HARDER I HAVE A 5:45 AM MEETING TOMORROW BITCH Jack, texting: Okay, don’t stay up too late or you’ll be cranky :)

Jack: This is a safety pin. *cuts off end* Jack: It is now a danger pin.

Jack: Hey, it’s your turn to wash the dishes. Martha: I’ll wash the walls red with your blood. Jack: Okay, but before that, wash the dishes. Also, use soap this time.