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ijustwanttoexploretheskies · 3 years

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Motherhood

I was very clearly showing signs of Post Natal Depression after the baby was born. Barely any interventions were done to stop it getting worse. I was so tired and I felt like giving up most days but I couldn’t.

I don’t know if this is a stubborn feature I have or a natural mum instinct, but every time I felt like killing myself or hurting myself I just couldn’t because of the baby. I’d go round in circles thinking “I’m not good enough” “He deserves a better mum” “He would be better without me” “I’ll end up ruining his life” “Me being depressed is going to affect him”...

Honestly, I don’t know how I managed to push all that aside and be a robot mum. I remember he was struggling with sleep or whatever it was and I got so angry and frustrated I literally tried to get a pillow and put it over his tiny face. Chill, he is fine and safe. I did not kill or suffocate my baby. But that’s the beauty of an undiagnosed mental illness. I had the need to hurt this defenceless newborn because that’s how bad of a state I was in. I contacted Healthy Minds after that and they put me through to do this Post Natal Group which was like a 3 month course on dealing with PND and Anxiety and doing CBT crap.

Of course COVID ended that group very quickly and I decided that the only thing that would help was to go back to work early and keep my mind preoccupied.

Good idea, until August 2020 where I had to go back to doing part-time hours and spend more time with this child I barely knew. He obviously started going to nursery and I decided to go to University (Cause I’m dumb). But now that everything is online... I still have to be at home...

I love my son, like unconditionally. But I feel so much regret and guilt for having him so young and for not getting myself fixed. I also blame the midwives and health visitors for not being more actively engaged with mothers who have a history of suicide, self harm and depression.

#motherhood #guilt #regret #ptsd #pnd #postnatal #depression

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ijustwanttoexploretheskies · 3 years

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PTSD - Background

I wanted to give a bit of detail of where it came from and I feel like after going through the motions and doing therapy I can finally see the road that lead to that night. I didn’t have loving parents and because of that I went through my teenage years looking for love and affection in the wrong places.

I was actively seeking boyfriends who didn’t care for me by actively hurting me and telling me I’m worthless without them. I went through so much emotional trauma because I was so desperate to be needed, loved.

I went through the whole Tinder stage too, got Chlamydia from it, so that was great. Felt totally loved by the virus, definitely not worth the one night stand though. And eventually my slut phase came to an end on an eventful night out with the work colleagues.

Whether it was intentional or not, this girl I worked with asked me if I wanted a drink and I wanted to slow down on my alcohol and so I ordered a Diet Coke. I definitely got my drink, but with a little bit of GHB or Rohypnol (Who Knows). I remember needing the bathroom, being in the stall, feeling weird and dizzy, the world was moving, I wanted to shit or throw up but nothing was happening. I know throwing up makes me feel better but I kept spinning.

I started crying out please call an ambulance to the bathroom lady who sits on that chair in the girls toilet and tries to sell stuff like deodorant or perfume (if you’ve been to a club in England). I don’t remember who brought me out, but I remember the guy who took me. Took me to his home. Into his bed. Took my clothes off. Got on top of me... I was so out of it. I felt like I couldn’t move.

This is my PTSD.

What’s weird about this though I was so in denial of it for so long. I remember that next morning he threw a towel at me and told me to shower. Every time I have a really bad migraine it just takes me back to that morning. My eyes being barely open because the light hurts. My body feeling so weak and brittle. My mouth, lips and throat feeling dry as if I’d ran out of saliva or something. I have no idea how I managed to shower and leave as if nothing had happened. What I don’t understand is why didn’t he act differently? Did he think I wanted to have sex with him? Did he not think to ask if I was okay? Or remind me that he had non-consensual sex with me?

I ended up quitting my job a month later.

I moved away from the area. I dropped out of college. I stopped working.. I stopped going out. I stopped eating. I just stopped.

I tried to kill myself in 2017. I was 20 at the time. Life was not good. I was cutting and not eating. I was generally unwell. It took a few weeks to realise that I couldn’t live that way and that’s when I got offered a job at my favourite cheeky chicken place!

Even work was difficult. There was these two girls who were absolute c**ts to me and made the recovery process very difficult. One of them even threatened to put my head in a chip fryer. No matter how many times I reported it to the restaurant manager, nothing was ever done. It was always my fault, I was pretty much the destructive, easy-to-blame type. So now I was in a job that made me even more miserable and no amount of free Halloumi cheese would fix it. My manager didn’t support me and I had to go to HR about it. My manager found out and pretty much gave me the option of leaving or leaving.

I felt really let down. I loved my job, it had shit people but there was also good ones too. My partner for example. I finally felt like I was recovering because of this job and to then feel let down and push aside like all my work and dedication was meaningless, I guess that’s why I started getting panic attacks.

I know it’s just a job. I know I’d find another one. But when you’ve recovered from something nasty and you finally fill yourself with a good distraction like work and this is how you get treated. It took a big chunk out of me.

That restaurant manager did end up being investigated and lost his job.

My partner still works at this chain of restaurants but has since moved location to a much better one.

I have only entered that restaurant maybe three times since I left in 2018.

Whether you call that another PTSD moment or not, who knows.

#ptsd mention #ptsd recovery #ptsdawareness #ptsd #rape

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ijustwanttoexploretheskies · 3 years

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Pregnancy

So I got pregnant towards the end of 2018. It was exciting. But unfortunately I didn’t realise how much it can wreck a person’s mental state. I already had a history of self harm, ptsd, depression, anxiety, attempted suicide... and I was (or so I thought) making a recovery from it all. I remember the moment that ruined pregnancy for me was when my partner and I went to Spain to visit my parents. I wanted to show my partner where I grew up and that this was pretty much how it all started for me. It was going great, until we went out for a meal....

My mum has missed the birth of my sister’s first two kids, so she probably had in her head that this pregnancy was hers. She told my partner during our meal that he shouldn’t bother going on paternity leave as she was going to be there to look after me and the baby. I felt a bit uncomfortable with that but I didn’t speak up to go against it and I regret that decision to this day. That night ended with my partner pretty much making me feel like shit because I didn’t back him up, and I totally deserved that. The next day I tried to confront my mum about it and somehow it ended with her saying that she won’t have anything to do with me or the baby. And that was it, my mum out of my life.

I wasn’t able to recover after that holiday. I felt like I lost my mum who is supposed to be a person that loves you and cares for you, but all i got was coldness. I look back on my childhood nowadays and realise I never really had loving or caring parents. Maybe this was the reason I got into so much trouble at school or why I went through self harming and being a complete utter twat.

The remaining six months of my pregnancy after that holiday was pretty complicated. I went from regularly talking to my family to being completely shut off and distant. I had to travel to Scotland for my sisters wedding which was awful. I hated it. At the time I was pretty much dosed up on Codeine because I wasn’t allowed to take any NSAID’s (Anti inflammatory drugs) due to my unborn child kicking me in the ribs so much that I ended up with Costochondritis. And my sister expected me to stay up late for the reception and stay behind to help tidy. Like what? So I went to my room and ended up crying. My partner added to the stress too, he didn’t like seeing how I was being treated by my family and I was in denial of it. We had so many arguments because of my defence over my family. Like Why? Why am I defending these people who clearly don’t give a crap about me? It really wasn’t worth it.

So up until a few days before my baby was born my mum came to the UK to visit me and my sisters, but to also see my grandmother who was pretty much dying at the time from Dementia. About 2 days before he arrived my mum got a phone call saying that my grandmother had died, she cried about it and that was the last time I saw her after that as she travelled up to sort funeral arrangements out.

I ended up going into labour on my own and eventually when they finally allowed me to travel to the hospital I got my partner’s parents to pick him and me up and take us to the hospital. I was already 6cm dilated! It was a long night, and I wish I had more strength in me to finish it to the end without any extra’s. But I’ve had to battle with everyone and myself for the last Nine Months! I just wanted this thing that was causing so much grief out of me. Maybe all of my worries and anxieties would go away. But having him made it so much worse.

#pregnancy #ptsd #pnd #postnatal #depression #baby #family

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ijustwanttoexploretheskies · 6 years

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ijustwanttoexploretheskies · 6 years

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ijustwanttoexploretheskies · 7 years

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ijustwanttoexploretheskies · 7 years

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My 57-year-old dad insists that we play Mario Kart every time I come home to visit and plays as Luigi so he can scream “hasta Luigi” as he passes people

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ijustwanttoexploretheskies · 7 years

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