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spiderben2011
The Amazing Spider-Ben
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I stopped playing the game so i lost, now you're free
Off to find another man, someone who's not me
I tried being the one who I thought I was supposed to be
Did my best to hold strong, but as I'm finding out, im weak
I thought I had you in my grasp
Thought if I just held you in my hands
everything would be okay
Just magically fall into place
It didn't, I'll be fine
After everything, you'll never be mine
Of course because I took way too much fucken time
Speed always was one thing I lacked
I was extra, and I wish I could retract
I love you, its just the matter of fact
When it came to that,
I could've shown a different brand, and just relaxed
But you're gone now, I'll never be able to take it back
Forever to live in my head as something I wish I had
Waited and waited for this exact circumstance
And when I got the chance,
I mishandled the whole thing just like I did with the last
It fucken figures
Stepped up to the plate, but didn't deliver
Now I get to sit alone like chop fucken liver
Couldn't keep concentration as per usual
Failed at another thing I knew in my head was so fucken doable
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I honestly don't know in which direction to row.
What I can tell you, and what i do know, is I need to escape this current and I need to let you go.
I've looked this pain dead in the eye, stopped pretending everything was fine, I let it hurt and consume practically my entire life.
I went through just about everything, I just didn't die.
I realize now it's time to pick my head up and paddle out the other side.
Sulked in sorrow for years and years, I can't even lie.
Held it all inside before finally expressing what was on my mind.
I tried to keep it simple, revised to just a couple lines.
You didn't give me the time of day, but it was what I had to do before I raise the main, Iift my anchor, and finally sail away.
I'm happy I did it, as hard as it was to say.
Everything that's happened, had to.
It couldn't have played out any other way.
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BAM, and nothing's like it was before
Reaking confidence when you walk through doors
Smile across your face 'cause you made it
Every corner turned, I stop and thank Him
Not for millions of bucks would I trade this
Everything He gave me
The physical He put me in, my heart, and everything beneath the skin
A brain up top capable to do life with
Sharp as a shark in all it's viciousness
Plus the love that i have for this music shit
No other choice but to be true to it
A well seasoned veteran
but I went through a lot to get to this
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Write something down
Relieve the tension from your mind
Run the thought from top to bottom, re-live it, then press rewind
Finally, just let it go, to hold on would be a crime
Can't be sulking in all your misery, burning up valuable time
You only get one swing at this bizarre ass thing called life
You're not here by accident, all your traits were by design
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You might have not expected me today, but you knew i was coming.
You knew i was on my way.
I'm here now.
No more worrying if they'll stay, about how you're getting laid, or being stuck wondering if it's just a phase.
Whom with you'll be sharing a new place, most of your belongings, and the dinners we make.
I'm the man who will know your taste, have to smell your shit, and will see you in your every single state.
Your lifelong mate. Your captain. I'll be your weekly date.
Your one and only, I have seen our fate.
I'm all yours.
Precisely delivered.
I'm on your plate.
The hand you were dealt, a straight of spades.
No longer a mirage mirrored on the lake.
Flesh and blood, living and breathing right in front of your face.
I couldn't possibly explain the journey I made just to end up here, and in this headspace.
I didn't lag, I led the pack, I didn't chase, but I realize how much I still made you wait.
I'm sorry my dear, I know we've been alone for years.
You could finally let go of your breath, I'm here.
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It's easy to say now 8 years later that this feeling is never going to disappear
I know what I know, and I cant stand you, but I'm guilty of wishing you were here
Guilty of still being mad
Still sad that we broke, and that i broke it
All this time later, I swear I've been frozen
It doesn't make sense, It must mean that I'm broken
I somehow still care for you, but you know this
Too bad cracked vases wont hold love
and paint over flaws, wont hold up
Unfortunately
A million sorrys wont be enough
So it appears what we had is dead as a fuck
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Tick tick tick, I'm so sick of waiting
The drive, the love, and my passion is fading
Forced to work out my patience
Sulking in solitude is draining
Left tired and sore
Yet I'm supposed to spread my wings and soar?
How am I supposed to lift myself up
when I could barely grasp a pencil?
My muscles are torn
Not mentally fit enough, I just lay on the floor
Lord, I don't have the life that was in me before
Completely unmoored from what I saw in my reflection at 24
I'm wiser, and obviously more mature
But only because all I've had to endure
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I figured out the reason I can't write anything down, and all of a sudden when I do, it always seems to be about you
When I decide to block you out, I'm numb
Shit sounds dumb, but I'm serious
In some sort of daze when I belittle it
Your existence, that is
Then I see you, and it's magically possible
Thoughts pour out of me, It's nearly unstoppable
My chest feels like exploding
Instead, I start unloading all these words onto a sheet
Locked in my room, trying my best to be descreet
Still nobody knows what really bothers me
It's you I'm sad about, constantly lying through my teeth
"Good" is my reply, when asked about my life
No one really knows i secretly want to die
Not suicidal, but if i was struck down tomorrow
all that would be fine
A little neurotic? you're absolutely right
But so were all our fights
and all the nights
good or bad, when we were by each others side
I just wish it didnt take this heartache
to put pencil onto paper and really get to write
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Xander, you see the signs right in front of your face, but refuse to listen
The world doesn't need any more of your composition
At least not another about Allison
The all important cause for calloused thumbs
Another dream of you where all I do is run
Predictable
Honestly, you've been on my mind a ton
The answer's obvious, I'll admit I'm a little dumb
Came to the conclusion a million times over that you're not the one
Yet here you are, still on the tip of my tongue
Residing in the forefront of my mind more often than not
I'd rather my brain be turned off, and for it all to stop
Because lifes been on pause, waiting on what would be the miracle of us actually tying the knot
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I'm every word you ever called me
I'm swallowing teeth
I have so much to tell you
but I don't know what I mean
I'm letting you off the hook
I'm setting you free
Dying on the inside, but at this point
anything matters but me
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In through the nose, and out the mouth
I cannot be moved, my demeanor is stout
Doubt i'll ever really fail, because my faith doesn't flail
Wavering in the wind, the human mind is frail
but I manage to still stand tall
My base is stronger than concrete
stronger than any wall
It's not what I am, it's what I hold onto
and what I hold onto cannot fall
I hope you come to realize
and switch your way of thinking
so you could feel what I feel
Meanwhile, your will is weakening
You're sinking into society, breathing in lies
or maybe just following suit, believing family ties
What I'm trying to say is bigger than our lives
This is such a small part
and we don't end with our physical demise
I urge you to gather your minds
Not because it helps me
Do yourself a favor
and figure out for yourself what is right
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A very simple person with a complex mind
Look real close, and you will come to find
there isn't another with a heart like mine
What you've missed out on was severely missed
That fat ass you have could've been kissed
Praised like it saved a nation
Life like a permanent vacation
Not cause the money with the travel
but the love without the hassle
The heart without deceit
Possession without receipt
I wont be on my knees
for a woman who cannot see
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I start feeling the same way
every year when it starts to get cold
Remember emotions like it was yesterday
and realize I still have no one to hold
Not that I morn over what we had
or necessarily need you around
but once sweater weather hits
to these feelings, it feels like I'm bound
Round and round I go
How many years in a row can a feeling be exact?
without the human they're attached, or any real contact
Makes absolutely no sense
I'd really just like this cycle to end
Get through a whole holiday season without my mind playing pretend
I hear so many complaints about the heat
Man, that shit is way beyond me
It can get pretty uncomfortable, sure
I never mind it, I just take off my shirt
The way I see it, it's the cold that actually hurts
I can feel it the second the wind turns
Stacking thermals and furs
Layers on top of layers
but I still feel it in my nerves
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Doing my best to be my best
while maintaining my humble.
Trying not to stumble.
Trying to bring the brags to a mumble
while letting greatness shine in all that I do.
Still planning apologies to a ton of people I knew.
Especially you two.
The ones I happened to love the most
but somehow treated the worst.
I treated the both of you like dirt.
To one, I swore I was loyal, but still go out and flirt.
The other, my brother, I considered a best friend
Never even let you borrow a shirt.
My logic was cursed.
Absolutely mental, unsure of what in my brain didn't work.
Should've been seen by a nurse, slapped upside the head, beat the fuck down
I needed to hurt.
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