i don't know why ck3 runs so badly on my computer. and so does cities skylines - i haven't been able to play it for years, after some of the updates.

the witcher 3 should be much more demanding of the player's system, but it runs incomparably smoother than ck3. so does the sims 4.

to me, the pieces of information that ck3 has too keep track of (for being a strategy game) don't justify its astronomical ram usage (it does justify cpu usage, but my cpu is underwhelmed by the game even if i choose to stream textures to save ram, which doesn't work wonders). it's likely poor optimisation by pararox.

simple reason - they're swedish. their country has conquered inequality for decades now. they do not care that the game needs to be optimised for simpler systems like sims 4 is (and very well at that, to the point of making the game look worse when it could look better so it can run on simpler hardware) because swedes don't have bad pcs. they're all rich. at the top of the world. europe isn't america.

someone convince me my brain isn't supposed to run on a litre of coffee at all times...

i only feel that my gaming is productive when i'm playing a strategy game or an online game.

yet strategy games can be quite intense for me and i can lose myself for hours or days and i can't keep it up for weeks. and online games just present me with more of the same issue i go through daily when outside. that people make me feel... weird, hateful towards myself, just for being in their company.

it sucks to have world of warcraft as your favourite childhood game and then be like me. to have such a condition with which you can't possibly enjoy the game. and other online games aren't really better for me. i feel odd just for jumping or taking a certain path in the world when people are observing me. it's that deep.

(tw gruesome?)

recently learned about the nutty putty cave incident.

and, really, i can't read or listen to the descriptions of john's death until the end. i start to get this sick feeling in my stomach. and i wonder why... there are worse deaths, for sure. being nuked. dying in the holocaust. being shot in the head. being starved. but all of them instinctively, at least, sound like a breeze compared to dying squeezed in a tight passage you wriggled yourself into but can't ever get out of (even dead). why?

i think it has to do with fight or flight. i didn't google this. but i might after writing this post. came to my own conclusions: humans evolved to either fight or flight when presented with a danger. we die either way, or might die, but we die advancing - pressing on - or fleeing - getting caught in the process. but never stuck, in the same place.

that's the limbo of anxiety. anxiety is such a problem in modern society because most of our problems now can't get solved by fighting them or feeling them. some people try (ahem, ghosting), but, most of the time, it can't work like that. so we get anxiety. an epidemic of it, even.

getting stuck in a cave, dying in a way where you can't even move, you're just waiting for your death paralysed, is anxiety. you can't fight or flee from your death. you can just accept it. it's terrifying. that's why we hate to imagine it. i think. there's empathy to it, yes, we imagine ourselves in john's place. but he hated to die that way because his instincts told him to fight his death in ways he couldn't in the circumstances he died.

the sims 4 foods are so weird, i don't know any of them.

send my sim to cook. "fish tacos". "vegetable dumplings" or whatever. hamburger slider. what the fuck is even that.

can we get relatable latino foods? rice and beans? how do i know if my sim is in the mood to eat whatever if i don't know what they're going to cook? these names mean nothing to me. i know what a dumpling is but i've NEVER had a vegetable dumpling in my life. i just... i eat normal food. meat, pasta, rice, beans, salad. potatoes, whatever.

america is fucking weird. what's weirdest is that they don't notice that.

job quotas for autistic people in brazil. not as great as i'd thought.

i feel like my job is not to be a nuisance. it's to offset the spending caused by the company *having* (being required by law) to hire a disabled employee. so i have to do whatever they tell me. or i'm being a nuisance. then i lose the only perk i can offer them in my position (that is, one of the lowest ranking positions in the company. not all disability quota jobs are like that, but most are).

this is causing burnout quicker than i expected. i think i might ask to quit soon. i don't think they'd even begin to understand the things that are making me tired (like the way things are organised on microsoft word for a project i'm doing. i wish someone would have the forethought to make things neat for me before asking me to do a cognitive job. i could do it myself but that would probably take long due to executive dysfunction and annoy people at the company and then i'd be a nuisance).

i don't need this job, it was just for the experience. my mom is going to freak out that i want to quit. my doctor will think it's a step back. i'm fine, however. that's not my place. i never intended it to be. i feel reduced by filling a position that is several levels beneath my full capacity... especially given that i'm well into adulthood.

one of my craziest desires is to play sims 4 in real time.

like set seasons to 28 days (a month) and then have 4 seasons actually be a year, using master controller to set the average lifespan to 80 "years" (or 80x(4x28)). it's incredibly long and boring, but there's some satisfaction to it i bet. also, of course, setting the rate progress of everything (relationships, skills, careers) to as low as possible or the game becomes too easy.

right now i just have 14 days seasons and each season is a year. but then infants and toddlers don't live through all the seasons, and teens barely do (i have a mod that gives school break as a holiday tradition. i set most of the summer as summer break for kids and teens. so much realism it's crazy i love realism probably something wrong w me). it's a different playstyle if each day matters less. i can just let my sims do whatever most of the time and relationships are actually built based on how much sims "like" spending time together. don't know if i'd enjoy dialling that up to a 1000.

people love to shit on sims 4 and claim sims 3 is better. i think they're just being edgy to farm views on youtube. sims 4 lacks the open world, but it makes up for it by giving you the ability to visit other worlds with two clicks (and i limit which worlds i can visit based on real world proximity. like sims living in european themed worlds can only visit other european themed worlds unless they're on a vacation). sims 4 is just much smoother than sims 3 overall. it's like a paradox game. it's been there for so long that each dlc has added something to the game to the point where it's very... complete, if anything. i don't think youtubers who shit on sims 4 actually play sims 3 anymore. nostalgia probably also helps at this point.

(played infants for the first time ever this week. i hadn't played sims 4 for a few months. it's immersive in a way that sims 3 could never be. but it probably gets boring after a few times? i don't know)

lesson learned: stay away from romance.

maybe he could (have) fall(en) for me. but that's just a maybe. unless someone is head over heels for me, i'll never try to approach anyone ever again. they'll have to make me sure first.

i kind of hate him now. i don't like him. i'm closer to disliking him. it's definitely an absence of liking.

i looked for something inside of you and there was nothing.

void.

why do i even have a tumblr yet

i feel like nobody can give me a satisfying answer as to whether or not i deserved this (possible) block. and I'm going insane. he's making me insane ever since we first met. and i still don't hate him.

the words are stuck in my throat, along with the tears. in fact, i have cried more in the last 24 hours than i have in the last decade. i didn't cry as much when my dog died. i didn't cry as much when something traumatic happened to someone i love.

the tears don't always come, but when they do, it's like a waterfall, an open tap. they don't stop coming for minutes at a time. and i know that trying to explain won't help because i'm still processing. i'm more confused than i was yesterday and i'll probably get even more confused in the coming days, until things start to clear.

especially as for his motivations. he chose not to give me any closure. i don't know why, as i don't know why anything else he did, or didn't do. he probably can't "form" the words or he thought that the words that he could form would only hurt me more, make it worse. which they wouldn't. any closure is better than none. but there is some truth to the notion that answers just give way to more questions (like a child. a "why" after the other.). probably also part of his reasoning.

but i think i expressed myself poorly. i used the wrong words myself. maybe this wouldn't have happened if i chose other words. maybe it was already going to happen and it wouldn't matter. but right now my head is too clouded to make that judgement. i seemed to be able to make it better yesterday. i never did go through a heartbreak. i thought i'd fallen for someone in high school, but i probably wanted the feeling more than the person. that's not the case now. i was and am willing to let go of my feelings and my well being to help this person, if he wanted. and he probably knows that. maybe it's why he refused my help, because he knew i would go to any lengths for him, and he thought it unfair to me, for any reasons.

i wonder when and if i will ever get closure. if he'll talk to me later, ever. it's a familiar feeling, but it's somehow worse. nothing brings me joy. thinking of the beach brings me no joy. sometimes it makes me think how i wanted to take him to the beach, with my family, give him that, people who would love him, not just me.

we both liked - like - each other. that's why it hurts even more.

a warning to fellow quiet bpds: stop. just stop. they're not evil. they don't hate you. please stop. treat them kindly, they might be hurting too. just stop before it's too late. before you lose them. and you'll know that it's your fault. so just stop, period. treat them like you'd like to be treated. hear me out. it gets way worse than splitting. it's not worth it. so gather all your strength and do something about it. just do it. now. please.

life is strange 2 forces stupid choices on you for the sake of storytelling.

I've been a dog owner. first time i played, when mushroom asked to go out to pee, my first thought was to not let her out unattended. since the game doesn't give you the choice to take her out (but it did at night... anyways), i ignored her scratching on the sliding door. but daniel opens the door anyway, letting the dog meet her tragic fate (and you can't object also). which i knew would happen as soon as the game forced it on me.

it's not good writing. plus, when daniel asks if the dog is in heaven, the atheist choice is worded awfully, as if it were the immoral choice. "is shroom in heaven? nah". which is not what sean says to daniel at all, what he actually says is pretty thoughful. and you can still tell daniel to pray with grandma to be polite. it's actually the better choice but no one clicks it because "nah", like what the fuck.

living on your own? cooking for yourself? cleaning and doing chores? weathering whole days of solitude? paying your own bills?

is that what they call "being an adult"? like, could it get any easier?

try liking someone and having them like you back. that will teach you to be an adult. or how much you have no idea how to properly be a person to someone else.