These vehicles have been long replaced so even though I am back in Budapest, this is the only place I can ever hear them again.

i met the BEST BOY at Cleveland Pride today!! his name is Hudson and he says gay rights!!!

"I'll look back on this and smile because it was life and I decided to live it."

I read that quote on the wall of a trampoline park while standing next to the restroom, totally covered in sweat. I was waiting for my girlfriend to finish after our 1 hour of jumping around ended.

I was standing there, waiting for her. My girlfriend. The girl I mentioned so many times. I was there with her. In Manila.

On the 10th of April I went to the airport for the first time in my life. I had a ticket and a passport in one hand, a suitcase handle in the other. My brother wasn't believing that I was doing this. The sister he used to have would never do this. For fucks sake, she wouldn't even travel 2 hours to spend a weekend at his place for years.

But now, I was going on a 22 hour trip. 12k kilometers, spending 3 weeks in a place I knew almost nothing about.

10 hours later I was in Beijing. I went through all the checkings and I still had about 7 hours of waiting for my next flight. So I went to an information desk to get access to the wifi. I got a code, I logged in, it was all going very smoothly up until I opened Messenger and nothing happened. I guess all my excitement made me forget that I will be in China for 7 hours, where all kinds of social media that I am using in my everyday life is blocked. So I wasn't prepared and I couldn't do anything. No Facebook, no Instagram, not even Chrome and of course the app store wasn't working either. I managed to send out a few quick emails saying that I am safe and sound, but after a few minutes my gmail wasn't working either. I found myself completely cut off.

I tried not to worry, hoping that everyone would just go with everything as planned even though they haven't really heard from me ever since I boarded in Hungary.

So at 8pm local time I got on my flight to Manila, starting to hear more and more people talk in tagalog around me.

1 am came around and we landed. Stepping out, I felt hot and humid air suddenly hitting me, which compared to the cold and dry air of the plane was a bit shocking, especially because I was still wearing two jumpers and jeans.

I walked down the long, carpeted isles, pulling my little carry on case after me, holding the immigration paper I got on the plane tightly. I already filled it out and soon I was standing in a line, waiting for my passport to be stamped. I was prepared to be asked the usual "What's the purpose of your trip?" question, but the guy really did not stop there. He had tons of follow up questions, about who am I visiting, why, where did I meet them, where am I staying, where I'll be going. But in the end, I got my first stamp in my passport and I was one baggage collecting away from leaving the airport.

I made my way out, with my love on the phone, trying to figure out where I needed to go. My heart was beating fast, I was sweaty, struggling with the two suitcases and the phone. She was full of nervs as well, I could hear it in her voice. It was her mum who I spotted first, she was frantically waving at me from the upper level. I stopped, I was scanning around trying to spot her, she was saying she can see me, but even though I was looking, I didn't really see anything around me. It was all just noise and movement, nothing recognizable. When she was only a few meters away, that's why I laid my eyes on her for the first time. Phone against her ear, a big smile. The black turtle neck I love with jeans. It felt so surreal, I didn't even have the opportunity to freak out. I ended the call and waited till she came closer, her mum arriving shortly as well. There wasn't any of the dramatic things you see on the internet. No running and collapsing in each other's arms. To be honest that seems too cliché. As much as I knew this person better than anyone else, it was still the first time we were physically in the same place.

We went to the car where I met the rest of the family, her dad, brother and sister. I was stunned, speechless at first. I saw them so many times, I heard so many stories and now it was reality.

I sat next to the window on the left side, she was in the middle. Our shoulders were touching. I intentionally moved even closer, I wanted to feel as much of her as possible. The warmth, her smell. Driving through dark streets I never thought I'd see. I looked down and her hand was extended, her palm facing up, waiting for mine to grab it. I took it and soon her fingers wrapped tightly around it. A scene at the airport with running and crying and screaming? No, thank you. This was the best welcome I could ever imagine. So much better than any of that could have been.

Days went by fast after that. Soon her graduation came, on the 16th of April. On the day that marked us being together for a year and a half. We went to the Philippine Arena, the biggest indoor one in the world apparently, but you need that when close to 3000 students are graduating. It was long so so long, but seeing her in her toga, with the make up I put on her earlier made me too proud to notice that I was tired untill it ended at around 11 at night. We stopped to eat at a Jollibee again and then I fell asleep on her shoulder on the way home.

Our days together were full of comfort. No feeling of anxiety, no feeling of having to be a certain way. It was natural, we clicked like nothing else. We had our unspoken roles, working together, managing daily tasks. We cooked, cleaned, did our grocery. We were responsible for ourselves. And we loved every second of it.

I also learned many new things about her. She's taller than she claims for example. And also a lot more thoughtful than she ever made herself seem. The little acts of giving me a glass of water whenever she drinks or leaving me mouthwash in the cup after she used it. Getting me just the right amount of food on my plate and always knowing what to get me at places so I would like them. Waiting for me to get ready and helping me choose clothes. Being concerned about me getting burnt. Maybe half of those things are involuntary, but I don't mind that. It might even make it a little better.

She's the reason I never got scared for a single moment while I was there, no matter what places we went to, how late or crowded it was. I got to experience life like a local, all the filipinos might have been looking at me and seeing a tourist, a foreigner, but I wasn't feeling like one. It was home and now I feel homesick for a city I spent 3 weeks in. Coming back to Budapest was devastating, I don't know if I'll ever feel the same way about it. I used to think it's the best city, my happy place and now? It feels foreign. Like it was never really my home.

On the day I left my brother said that he's going to get a completely different sister back after the trip. I shrugged him off, but he was right. There's nothing I feel the same way about. Especially Ileana, my love for her changed tremendously. I used to be in love with the idea of what we would be like. I remember that almost a year ago, on April 16, 2018, I made her a video as a gift for us being together for half a year. I remember talking about how lucky I am in it. Lucky, because I'll get to fall in love with her twice. And I was right, I did fall in love with her once again. The core parts of her were there, her voice, her mind, her ideas and the amazing conversations. But they all got upgraded. They all showed how there's so much more to her than what a video call can show. The angles I've never seen before, all the habits that she has. And it swept my feet right out of under me.

Malls, lemonade, Inasal, basketball, rice, nuggets, AC, sunburn, late night car rides, flamingos, donuts, happiness. Those words will forever be connected to our days in Tandang Sora. Or at least till we can be together again. Because our relationship is not about being on the phone anymore, that's not us. Us is when we are together. And we'll be together again soon, I promise.

"I'll look back on this and smile because it was life and I decided to live it."

That quote from that bathroom still crosses my head multiple times a day. I decided to live when I met Ileana. I decided to live when I realized that I'll have to do things in order to keep her. I decided to live when I left on this trip.

This is life. And I'll keep deciding to live it.

2018

January

2 weeks into the year I cut my hair, probably like 80% of it. Which I quickly regretted. It just seems like every year starts with me doing something to myself, except this one. This January there'll be no surprise, promise.

I also had to decide what schools and courses I wanted to apply to until the 15th. So being the person that I am, at 23:20 on the 14th I submitted all the forms. Earth science, civil engineering or software engineering? I had another 6 month to find out which path my life would take.

February

This photo was taken at around 6 in the morning when I was on my way to a nearby city to take a language certification exam. I was so nervous because I was going into the C1 level right away, basically blindly with no exam experience whatsoever. I remember arriving and meeting 3 other girls who were there for the exam too. We started chatting and they all said that they took the B1 level previously because their teacher advised them. One has already failed, this was her second time. One was there with a whole book of exercises. They all looked so prepared and for a moment I panicked. If I were to fail that day, I'd have had 40 less points for my university application. And a lost bet with my girlfriend. But I didn't fail neither of those.

I also got my girl into MBTI that month, which quickly became the new astrology of our relationship. ENFP-INTP pairing. Cute, huh?

March

This was the month where I kind of chilled down for a moment. It was totally unjustifiable but I still did, thinking I've got plenty of time still till exams would start. I was going to school, doing some small preparations but nothing major.

April

Now this was the month where I regretted all the laziness back in March. My days were counted and I know that makes it sound like I was about to be executed but that's exactly how I felt.

On top of that, in the middle of the month my mum got hospitalized suddenly. It was supposed to be just a check but they didn't let her leave after it. My days were spent with visiting her instead of going to school. She scared us shitless but slowly she started getting better with each day and by the second week she was already coming home.

May

Oh May. I had graduation right at the beginning of the month and 2 days later my week of exams started. A peaceful image of my table right before maths exam. 20 minutes later it wasn't as peaceful anymore.

School ended for good and we had a monthish time before the second part of it all, which are the oral exams.

June

So many papers, hundreds of pages littered everywhere. Stress, overthinking, contemplating why I even applied for software engineering when I was so sure I'd fail the comsci exam, procrastinating, some self pity and over all panic.

One of the exceptions was this day, my mum's work did a little event. They work with old people, helping handicapped elders. A school building full of people who long left the classrooms, doing all kinds of crafts, little games and even some shooting outside. We sat around painting on glass, doing things we probably haven't done together in like a decade.

29 out of 50 so be careful, sharp shooter right here.

July

The 25th came around and at 20:00 sharp the point limits went live. The website instantly crashed by the tens of thousands of people and my blood was loudly rushing inside my head. Once it finally let me in I was scanning through the names of the different universities, then different faculties and lastly the different courses. Earth science. 290. Less than the previous years. A lot less actually. I got into the place I wanted to so badly. I got in by a ridiculous amount of points.

August

An accidental snapshot of my feet while I am having a mediocre melt down in the middle of a bridge over the Danube. The morning started horrendously, I left my student ID at home but I only realized it on the train. Which meant I couldn't buy discounted tickets but I didn't have enough money for the full price ones. So I called mum who called a friend who has a car that they have to come to the city with my ID within 20 minutes because if I miss the train I'll be late and won't be able to enroll to uni. That got solved last minute when they arrived 4 minutes before the train left, which then arrived to Budapest an hour late, the tram was out of service so I took one of the replacement busses but they only went till the Pest end of Petőfi bridge. Which meant I had to walk over when I was already running late so we could very well say that I was done at this point with life and everything.

September

With this picture we can confirm that I wasn't late for enrollment. This is the place most of my days are spent at. The days leading up to me having to move were filled with a weird type of anxiety. It wasn't the kind I was familiar with, it wasn't as scary. As consuming, as toxic. It was kind of exciting, like the feeling you get before getting on a roller coaster. My girl made it feel like that, the security of having her. If there's one good thing about LDR then it's the fact that I can literally have her anywhere with me and it feels like not much has changed. The calmness that this gave me was beyond understandable. I still had her, so there was no need to panic.

Of course it was still a little challenging, the whole change in our schedules and although it sometimes got a little frustrating, she was understanding and I need to thank her for being my safe spot, for making me so brave when I used to be so scared. Without her I would have never been able to do this and she knows that.

October

This is my view everyday when I go to work and back home. A city of so much magic and beauty and also a city that I can't wait to share with my love.

We had our first anniversary. A whole year of being together. I got off of work just in time before it turned midnight in the Philippines. I had a bag of cookies I made the previous day to show, cute, heart shaped ones. Maybe it wasn't the most ideal way or how I imagined it but the meaning behind it is still the same. A year of loving eachother, slowly changing, slowly realizing who we truly are as a team.

November

I made that! My job's description would most likely be miscellaneous. I stand at the counter, make coffee, help customers, sometimes clean or go to the post office, I'm responsible for the paper bags and cups, but on the weekends, I bake. I spend all my Sundays there quietly doing my job. Cookies, pies and as it was getting closer to Christmas gingerbread as well. I had the most tiring days, one time I spent 12 hours there building 6 of these trees and around another 400 of normal figures. My hands got inflamed by the end of the night because of all the icing I had to squeeze out. But nonetheless this is a good first job. I get to learn around really nice and helpful people. Not even mentioning all the free food I get.

December

A happy girl living a more challenging life than ever but still enjoying it like it's nothing.

Decembers are nice. I think back to all the things that happened this year and how different they were compared to last year. I was whining for 66.66666% of the 2017 post. And for the 2018 one all I can think about are the good good things that happened. None of the bad matters. I had one of the worst and one of the best years of my life after one another. No doubt about that.

So yeah,

2018 was a year that will truly be missed. I loved it. But no need to mourn anything because 2019 will give me even more things to write about at the beggining of 2020. Not to even mention 2021. This is far from the end.

Liberty bridge

I feel vibrations travel up through my legs as a tram passes by on the bridge, making everything slightly rumble. The sun is still out, the air is cool. I walk till the middle where I jump up on the lowest part of the pillar and pull my legs up to cross them. I look around, it's busy but not quite like during summer. It's too late in the year to watch the sunset from here, it dips under the horizon behind the hill by now. But it's still breathtakingly beautiful. Although everything nearby is noisy, when you look at the river and the other bridges in the distance, it all looks so peaceful. The hill, the castle, the houses on the riverbank, it looks so still, like it's a picture.

It's been a month of learning. About the earth, the universe, maths and physics, rocks, baking, pastries and myself. Mostly myself. I'm not saying the formula to calculate the brightness of stars isn't exciting me. Or the fact that I haven't burned myself on any of the ovens yet or that I can already make hearts of top of lattes out of foam. It does, but finally I've found who I really am. I always thought it was weird how people leave their homes to go and find themselves. I didn't understand how that would help, what difference that makes. Just not being where they have always been. That surely must be the place where you know yourself the best. But I think until a few weeks ago I didn't even really know what my real personality was like either. I've spent 22 years right next to my parents, never leaving their side for more than 5 days. I was the baby of the family, the little girl, the one everyone loved so much and who never really had to worry about anything, not even in later life. Because mum would be there to solve anything that came up since she "knows it better". I just had a comfortable life, despite the bad things we went through, because I didn't have a say in those either. I was regarded as not old enough yet, no matter how much time has passed by. This, of course, makes you incompetent. I believed what everyone said, what my mum said. Good and bad equally. She loves me, she does. But she also worries about me, not wanting anything bad to happen anymore and this worry sometimes makes more damage than she ever intended. Her concerned questions and comments poisen my mind. "Is your stomach okay?" I think so, but is it really? "What's wrong, you look off." Maybe something is wrong. "Have you taken your medication?" I have, like I've been for years. "You look anxious again." Do I really get anxious as much as she says? "I'm worried about what will happen to you when you move out." Would I be able to handle it? "Maybe you should consider antidepressants just to make sure." My mind is falling apart. It all comes from a good place. But it still corrupted my mind over the years and years to the point that I thought there really is something wrong with me. That maybe I really am messed up and too weak to deal with challenges. That I should just stay here, at this safe spot and never change anything. So for years I didn't, the thought of being away from my family caused me panic attacks. And then the past few months came and I realized that things can't stay like this, which freaked me out even more. But I had a goal, a motivation in the form of the girl who I've been dating for a year now. I needed to start school, work, find my strength to stand on my own. And I was about to do it on my own. No meds to improve my mood or lessen my anxiety. Just my girl and her telling me every single day what is our dream. Days before the move I was all over the place emotionally. Thinking how my parents and my brother are all thinking that I'll come home crying after the first night like how I've been doing for years when I tried visiting them. Every single time, without a fail. I was scared of that, even though I knew that I was already so much better than I used to be. But I didn't cry or want to leave. I didn't and I was surprised. Simply by how fine I was from the very first day. I'm not anxious, nothing hurts, my mind is focused. I don't even miss being home and I miss my parents a thousand times less than I thought I would. I'm not even taking the pills anymore, I stopped, finally having the chance of seeing how my body would react without my mum shouting at me. This independence, the lack of voices to influence me made me realize that there is much more to me than the fragile girl. I'm tough. I study, work, take up all these challenges and I've never felt better about myself in my life. I feel purposeful as cheezy as that sounds and I feel less scared about being alone too. Because I can solve my own problems, I can take care of myself. So I jump off from where I'm sitting and walk my way to the metro station. Still a happy place, but not the happiest anymore. And that's a definite improvement.

My Love, I need to thank you. Until forever, every single day. It's tough love, you were right about that but it's exactly what I needed, someone to force me out of my situation even if it meant crying and pain sometimes. Look how much it paid off. It literally changed my life and how I think about myself. I don't need the safety of the known like how I thought I did. Only a goal and I have you for that. I love you endlessly, the Moon's distance wouldn't even compare to it. Thank you, thank you, thank you, you're mine hero without really knowing it and I'll be yours in return, promise.

it’s me, the neediest person in the world™

Virgo rising af

you might like getting choked but sea turtles don’t so keep your FUCKIN plastic out of the ocean.