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REPOST OF THE FINDINGFLOWERS FIC BECAUSE I EDITED IT LIKE A WHOLE LOT TODAY!!

title: listen to your heart beating, listen to the way you move (from anything by adrianne lenker)

desc: the captains of the riptide pirates get out of their own control. gillion makes an oopsie. jay stays calm. chip takes a nap.

word count: 4040

warnings: angst, violence, description of injury

it had been going so well. it really had.

this spirit had fucked with the wrong group. he knew that. they’d all been fighting it as much as possible, doing everything in their power to make sure that chip wasn’t hurt any more than he already was, taking all of the brunt force themselves, keeping him out of it.

it doesn’t help when spirits possess people, does it?

no. it really doesn’t. that may have been the whole fight, but still. it only makes things worse.

gillion feels like his chest is being squeezed by some unknown force almost sitting on it. like someone is pressing down on it with all their weight, crushing his insides slowly in a feeble effort to bring him down. that pressure feels like it moves up to his head, making his vision go spotty as he stumbles back. somewhere distant, someone shouts, maybe to him, because it sounds vaguely like his name.

(you know what’s happening.)

his breathing feels almost laboured, choked, as he shakes his head, attempting in vain to clear it. that squeezing, pressing feeling only gets stronger with each shake, however.

(you need to shrug this off. we need to get done what we’re here to do.)

he clamps his eyes shut, taking in deep inhalations in an effort to steel himself.

(we have to save him, gillion.)

his head spins. everything spins.

and then finally clicks back into focus.

(shit.)

“gil?” jay’s voice is hesitant, laced with pain. it sounds so far away but so close at the same time. gillion flicks his gaze over behind his shoulder, eyes landing on a mostly limp figure. undead. fully exposed.

“gil, what’re you doing?” jay says, voice raising in panic. he feels a hand rest on his shoulder, but it immediately jerks back when he glares at jay from the corner of his eye.

(gods, this is bad.)

“gil?” jay’s voice is almost shrill as she takes a step back. “gil, snap out of it, what are you doing?”

gillion turns around. he takes a step toward his target.

(don’t.)

destiny’s blade hums in his hand, crackling with energy.

(you wouldn’t.)

he’s doing as he’s always known. the undead, the unholy, are what he’s meant to slay. it’s always been his destiny, hasn’t it? it’s what he’s been taught all his life. what reason does he have to go against that?

(there’s so many reasons. you know that.)

his hands are steady as he raises his blade, light refracting off of it and catching the unholy figure laid out before him. the enemy. always has been. always will be.

(fight this, gillion. this is what we swore to fight against. to sever the thread of fate.)

he steels his jaw.

(don’t follow this one.)

and brings it down.

the room crackles with energy as the blade slices into the gut of the body before him. it goes in cleanly with barely a sound as light pierces the flesh, the figure jolting. it lets out a strangled moan, eyes meeting gillion’s for but a second, filled with hurt, confusion, and, in the end, realization, before rolling back and fluttering closed. faintly, he hears a yelp behind him. he drags the sword out, expression stony as he looks down at the black-red blood dripping from it. looks back up at where it’s from. looks back down at his blade.

at that, his vision truly snaps back into focus.

gillion lets out a strangled gasp, hands immediately beginning to shake and his eyes going wide. destiny’s blade clatters to the ground as those shaking hands come up to cover his mouth in horror of what he’d done. the way he’d been thinking, how he didn’t even realize who was there, it rocks him so terribly he can barely keep balanced. he stumbles backward, almost knocking over an entire table in the process, continuing to back closer to the wall.

it’s fuzzy around him; he can feel jay putting hands on his shoulders, gently shaking him and asking something about what happened, he can see the twins scrambling around the room, the faint glow of some form of magic around them, the hasty words of spells. all these sounds, all these images, all these feelings, and he can’t focus on them at all.

the only thing he sees clearly is chip’s limp, bleeding body laid out on that table. the one he stabbed, smited, because....

he felt it was what he was supposed to do. he’d regressed back into his old training days, before he’d even known his best friend, before he’d chosen to make his own destiny, only knowing that the undead are unholy and must be eradicated immediately. the question is why?

obviously it’s the damn ghost’s fault. fucking ghost. gillion now officially hates ghosts.

he’s shaken again, gently, and he almost painfully tears his eyes away from chip laying limp and meets jay’s gaze. those two-tone eyes are watery, concerned, confused, panicked, so many things, as they scan gillion’s face.

“gil, hey, hey, what the fuck just happened?” she whispers, rubbing her thumb against gillion’s shoulder where her hand rests.

“i- i- i don’t know, i think it was-” gillion takes a strangled inhale, choking out a sob as tears flow from his eyes. he stumbles back again, away from jay, this time crashing against the wall and sliding his back down it. he collapses onto the floor, tears streaming down his face as he hiccups and buries it in his knees. jay rushes to him, placing her hands on his shoulders again, this time more firmly, lifting his head up to face her.

“gil, hey, i know, bud, just stay with me for a second, okay?” she says, voice still low. “do you know what happened?”

“the fucking-” another sob racks gillion’s body. he limply gestures to the rest of the room, where the twins catch their breath as they seem to be trying to stabilize chip at least a little, wisps of magic curling in the air. “ghost. whatever. i think- shit-” more tears flood his face as he curls into himself, voice cracking.

“oh, gil....” jay bites her lip, seeming to be fighting back her own tears. “oh, hey, c’mere. i’m so sorry.” jay wraps her arms around gillion’s shoulders, bringing his shaking body in for a hug. gillion hesitates for a moment before wrapping his own arms around her, nails likely nearly digging into her shoulders. his whole frame trembles as he hiccups out sob after sob, grief and regret and fear pouring from his body in almost waves. it’s almost like he’s unraveling from the inside out, all his ideals and motivations and everything all becoming muddied together as he cries. jay still holds him through all of this, quietly whispering to him, running her nails along his back as gillion feels her own tears wet his shoulder. he can’t tell if it’s because he’s shaking so violently that he feels like jay is as well, or if she actually is. they sit there for a few moments, holding each other like lifelines, like if the other left they’d fall apart.

and maybe that was true, in gillion’s case, but he knew in his gut he needed to stand.

gillion rises to his feet, still half holding jay, moreso for support since his body still shook violently, and clears his throat. “diamonds. we need diamonds.”

the twins nearly snap their heads over to him as he speaks. wren nods, turning to open a cabinet and saying something to elodie in a language gillion doesn’t recognise. the latter twin nods in reply, turning to the other side of the room. wren shifts through her cabinet, gesturing at gillion to come over to the table. the latter turns his head to face jay, praying his expression conveyed how much he needed her to come with him. she squeezes his shoulder, leading him over to the table without so much as a word passed between them.

gillion rests his hands against the edge of the table as he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, opening them only to land on chip’s limp hand, cold and slick with his own blood. gillion stifles a sob as he looks up, seeing wren’s scarred hand offering him two small gems.

“worth about fifty gold each. will this work?” she asks with a tone like she knows what he’s trying to do. she likely does, considering she does things like this for a living as a cleric. gillion nods, letting her drop them in his hand. he turns to jay, who’s taking tools from elodie as she looks at him with a gentle smile, extending her hand for the diamonds. he places them in her hand, giving a shaky exhale before turning back to wren.

“i’ve never done this before,” gillion admits in a hushed whisper. a small, wet laugh escapes his throat as he tears his gaze away from the brunette twin and down onto the body in front of him. he takes a shuddering breath.

“done which part?” wren’s tone is gentle, lighthearted, as she reaches over and squeezes one of his hands comfortingly. her hands are soft yet heavily scarred, along every finger, across the palm, on the back, up her arm, and gillion can’t help but wonder why.

he smiles weakly. “the revival. i think i’ve come close to killing him a few times, accidentally or on purpose.” wren smiles back and exhales a laugh in response. gillion chuckles quietly alongside her. “it’s a long story.”

“i’m sure it is.” wren’s smile is warm and gentle. “sorry we didn’t have any dust on hand.”

“no, no, it’s alright, just-” gillion chokes back a sob as he attempts to move his gaze up to chip’s face and away from the slice in his gut, smile dropping. just looking at his face, so peaceful and serene, the way the dead always seem to look, it’s the sensation like his heart dropping into his stomach that makes him almost nauseous. he moves his view up to wren’s face instead. “was that ghost or whatever lying when it said you guys have a heart? when it was....?” wren sighs softly, turning around and opening a large, metal cabinet and mumbling to herself quietly. wisps of cold swirl from it as it opens and wren removes something from it.

“we’ve kept this in stasis for future usage by magic, so no worries about it not being able to function. it just needs to defrost a bit.” she turns around, a small box in her grasp and a small smile on her lips. she kicks the cabinet shut, opening the box in her hands and revealing....quite literally, just a human heart, coated in a magical film of frost.

“how the hell do you have this?” gillion breathes in disbelief.

“when mine and el’s mom was near passing, she asked us to keep parts of her in stasis in case a patient needed an organ or something. we carried out her wishes, and they have actually come to use before!” wren explains, weirdly nonchalant about the whole ass heart in the box - again, likely because this is her line of work, but seriously? her mom’s heart? and she’s this calm about it? “obviously we didn’t do....the removing. that would be a bit excessive. and more fucked up than it already is.” her face flushes when she meets gillion’s eyes, probably catching the look of horror that was likely plastered on his face. “sorry, this is really weird. i’ll. stop now. sorry.”

“it’s alright, i just didn’t expect....that.” gillion swallows and gives her a weak smile before jay returns, holding out a bowl filled with diamond dust.

“you ready for this?” jay asks, looking down at him, two-tone eyes shining with tears and anxiety. gillion gives a shaky nod, taking the bowl and exhaling, gaze dropping to chip’s chest.

here goes nothing.

painstaking minutes go by as the spell is cast. tears prick the corners of gillion’s eyes as he works the spell into chip, praying it works, praying it’s not too late, praying he didn’t fuck it all up. he lets his hands rest on chip’s chest, hoping he’ll feel it rise and fall any moment now. his hands glow with gentle white magic, swirling around the room, closing wounds that had been open on chip’s body for the longest time, around the heart that rests within his chest as the hole begins to close. the patches of skin and muscle that were missing had begun to reform and gain colour with the rest of his body when jay quietly speaks up.

“he’s gonna be okay, gil. i promise.” her voice is gentle, determined.

gillion swallows. “don’t make promises you might not be able to keep.”

out of the corner of his eye, gillion sees jay bite her lip, looking down at chip still fighting back tears, and nod. she’s visibly wounded, slices littering her arms and sides and even her legs from where she’d been slashed by possessed gillion and elodie, dripping blood she routinely wipes off, still unhealed, likely due to a low supply of magic. she still shakes, taking deep breaths; in and out, over and over. she looks back over at gillion and gives him a weak smile. he tries to smile back, but he just can’t bring himself to.

gillion’s hands shake as his tears begin to drip onto chip’s limp chest. it’s like a movie begins to play behind his eyes of all his experiences with chip; the day he extended his hand to gillion and brought him aboard the big chipper, their escapade through zero, freeing loffinlot, desire island, their fun at joaldo, their time in edison kingdom, the b.l.o.c.k, allport, noctis, liquidus, the feywild....the separation, the pearl, how chip had risked his life to save gillion’s, training chip’s magic, those days out at sea before returning to zero, the trip to featherbrook, that fight against the navy and what came after....the black sea, the fight against captain widow, seeing chip lay limp before him as he arrived too late, watching him rise again undead, the way he would look so wrong afterward, even at his happiest....

as these memories run through gillion’s mind, he realizes there’s always been something different about chip deep in his gut, some connection he can’t even begin to decipher, and it’s all that he can think about as words begin to tumble out of his mouth.

“i think i’ve loved you from the start. you gave me your hand and i think that’s when i knew, deep down, that if there truly is a destiny, it gave me you. our stories may have been intertwined from the beginning, but i think even if they weren’t we would have found each other, one way or another. sometimes i look at my banishment as a blessing in disguise, because if it hadn’t happened i wouldn’t have you with me now. and i think i needed you now, at this point in my life, because if i didn’t have you, i think i would be so much more lost. you’re my compass, my map back to myself. you show me things i never knew existed. you show me versions of myself i didn’t know there was. you see the beauty in things. you’re learning to be a better person and i’m so incredibly proud of you for that. you don’t realize how many lives you’ve changed for the better.” he sniffs. “i want you to, though. i need you to see the impact you’re leaving on this world in the way i see it. i need you to know how many lives you’ve saved.” gillion chokes back a sob, feeling his tears fall down his cheeks, watching them drip onto chip’s bare chest.

“i need you to know you saved mine. so let me save yours.”

and beneath his shaking hands, wet more than usual from his tears, slick with blood, still shimmering with faint magic, he feels a rise.

and then a fall.

(that’s my boy.)

gillion almost screams with relief, a strangled sound raking its way out of his throat. he laughs to himself, a wide smile breaking out on his face as his tears turn from ones of fear and grief to ones of joy. he rests his hands gently on chip’s chest still, feeling his soft breaths rise and fall in his chest. he hears jay lets out an exhale that sounded like it’d been pent up for a while as chip’s breaths become more visible, her head resting on top of gillion’s as she takes her own shaky inhales.

a few minutes go by as chip breathes, a steady heartbeat beginning to pump under gillion’s hands, until his eyelids begin to flutter. those deep brown eyes gillion’s grown so fond of blink up at him, so heavy, so tired, but still sparkling with the light in them he hadn’t had for so long that makes them so distinctly chip. his lips quirk up in a gentle smile as he locks gazes with gillion.

“hey, you,” chip whispers, voice hoarse like he’d just woken up from the best sleep of his life.

gillion laughs quietly again, sniffing. “hey, you,” he whispers back, smile wet but oh so wide.

“had a good nap. really needed it.” chip cracks a wider grin. gillion chuckles, lowering his forehead down onto chip’s, closing his eyes and sniffing back tears. a hand rests on top of one of his, cold but warming, slightly shaky, as he feels chip shift ever so lightly as another body presses against his.

“glad you’re back,” jay whispers next to him, and gillion opens his eyes, shifting his gaze over to her. she’s squatting next to the table, a hand holding chip’s. his other hand is the one resting on gillion’s.

“i’m glad i am too.” chip presses his forehead more against gillion’s, and it’s like a bubble forms around the three of them, a tangle of arms and hands and heads all holding each other and just so full of relief.

gillion.

gillion whips his head up, looking around. chip and jay raise eyebrows at him.

it’s me, gillion, stop fretting.

gillion looks over his shoulder at his sword, which pulses with a gentle light. “oh.”

apologies for spooking you.

“hey, no worries, i’m just very on edge- ” gillion freezes, realizing he’s been speaking out loud. and also what he used earlier.

he switches to his thoughts. oh shit, destiny’s blade - it still feels so weird to call you that, sorry - but anyways, i am so sorry about what just happened-

no need for apologies, chosen one. you weren’t yourself, although i’m a little disappointed we didn’t cut this thread of fate.

gillion tenses slightly. does this break our oath?

the blade chuckles in his mind. i wouldn’t count that, no. you had no way of resistance.

by the way, were you talking to me during all that? i wasn’t sure if i was, like, hallucinating or something because that was insane and everything was kind of crazy.

indeed i was. i attempted to keep you in your right mind, but this was powerful. i apologize i couldn’t help more.

no, no, it’s not your fault, it’s mine, i should haveâ€”

the blade pulses behind him. gillion. no sense in dwelling on what you could have done.

right. yeah.

i’m quite proud of you, you know.

gillion’s eyebrows raise. for what?

you pushed through. you didn’t let the regret of what you’d done hold you back from pushing forward to fix the problem. you persevered, gillion tidestrider. that's something to be proud of.

gillion sniffs. it is?

your quick thinking may have just saved his life, in a sense.

“‘fuck’s goin’ on with your sword?” chip rasps, teasing and soft, startling gillion.

the triton blinks, confused for a second. then realizes. “oh. talking.”

“oh, you and your talking sword. right.” chip teasingly rolls his eyes.

gillion raises his eyebrow in mock offense, though his heart isn’t fully in it. “didn’t you say you spoke to him at one point?”

chip smiles wide, not giving an answer.

destiny’s blade speaks up in gillion’s mind. i’ll let you have your reunion now. tell him i said i’m glad he’s alright when you get a chance.

will do.

speak soon, gillion.

“so what’d i miss?” chip says as the connection between gillion and his sword goes quiet.

jay, still squatting, cracks a small smile. “nothing huge.”

“lies. you are lying to me.” chip teasingly glares at her, cracks a smile, then turns his gaze to the ceiling. his playful expression turns more serious, more exhausted, as he shuts his eyes for a moment, squeezing before opening them again.

gillion bites his lip gently, anxiety building up once more. “everything okay?”

“i died and came back to life but not exactly alive, and then i almost died again, and now i’m back to life for real this time, so yeah, i’m doing great.” chip’s tone drips sarcasm, but he turns his head toward gillion with a soft smile. “i’ll be al-”

he’s cut off by a hacking cough, something spurting out of his mouth as he immediately struggles to sit up. jay assists him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and easing him up as he continues to cough. gillion takes his hand as the fit winds down, noticing the spatters of blood on his fist.

“update. not exactly alright,” chip jokes, but his voice is like sandpaper, dry and scratchy. he winces, holding his temples with slightly shaking hands. “heartbeats aren’t normally this intense- god, this feels disgusting.”

jay begins to rub chip’s back, pulling his hair out of his face. “hey, hey, why don’t we find you somewhere to rest-” she shoots the twins a look, and the two of them nod, “-and get you taken care of, alright?”

chip looks as though he’s going to protest, but a gag works its way out of him and he nods. jay moves over to wren, helping her grab medicines and bandages and potions and whatever else. gillion takes one of chip’s hands, startling at how warm it is. he’d grown so used to chip being cold and dead, as much as he hates to admit it. it’s good, though. it shows he’s alive. he’s here. he’s okay.

chip looks up at gillion, his expression pained and nauseous, but he manages a small smile. “it’s not your fault, by the way,” he whispers.

gillion blinks, startled. “what?”

“i remember, y’know. before i conked out.” chip gestures to his gut, which has since closed and is now just a scar. gillion tenses, but relaxes slightly when chip squeezes the hand he holds. “i know that wasn’t you. don’t blame yourself.”

“i-”

“no, gil, shut up, i know you.” chip flicks gillion’s forehead playfully, a strained smile on his lips. “you take the blame when someone gets hurt and you were in close proximity to them even when you had nothing to do with it, man. i may have been on the verge of passing out, but i saw it in your eyes that that wasn’t you in control. don’t blame yourself.” gillion sniffs, holding back the tears that threaten to spill once more. chip leans forward, resting his head on gillion’s shoulder with his eyes shut. “i’m tired. i don't have the energy to yell at you anymore. you gotta yell at yourself now.”

gillion laughs, leaning his head against chip’s. “jay and the twins are getting stuff together and then you can sleep, alright? just hold on for a little longer.”

chip is quiet.

panic almost immediately claws at gillion’s throat as he shifts chip slightly, the latter’s body limp and heavy. the panic only subsides when chip’s body vibrates with a soft snore, even breaths still pumping in his chest. gillion smiles in relief, bringing chip closer into him once more and simply holding him in a hug, drinking in that citrusy, spicy, smoky scent that’s explicitly chip.

and for the first time in a while, gillion was calm.

#HELL YEAH BRO

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