What I Learned from 2023

Health, health, health: I cannot emphasize this enough, I've been having this lesson for the past few years and I think I had the biggest diagnosis of my health in 2023 when I was diagnosed with slipped disc. Nothing is ever worth anything if you do not have health, please take care of yourself in any best way you can, and invest in your well-being, physically and mentally. Get insurance, have rainy day money, establish a system of safety if you are living alone, and do not hesitate to ask for help. People are wiling to, you just have to reach out.

Leverage your Strength: Stop apologizing for being good at something, stop downplaying your talent, stop self-deprecating. Just because you made it look easy, doesn't mean that it is, and it is okay to have faith in yourself, it doesn't diminish other people's shine just because you are sparkling, you are the best because you are you and always believe that your path is crafted for you and you are blessed.

Give Chances for connections to form. I know at this age, most of us are jaded, and most of us already have a steady group of support system that we love to maintain. But, allowing yourself to form new connections is also a blessing. I was so closed off starting 2022, completely shut down the idea of allowing myself to open up to new people, especially my colleagues. But December 2023 changed it all for me, and 2023 in general made me closer to new people in my office and I am glad that I allowed it. There are still boundaries, but I feel glad that I gave chances for connections to blossom.

Everything Will Work out. It really will, there were a lot of moments this year where I feel like I should just give up and follow the "flow" but the flow always ended up taking me to unexpected places. When you surrender to the universe, the universe will take care of you. Be it a religion, be it faith, if you allow yourself to genuinely believe that things will work out in your favour, it will.

One Door Closes for a better one to welcome you. GVF was cancelled, didn't get to buy Eras Tour Ticket and I get to fly to Seoul for my first Solo Trip to see The Strokes. I didn't get to buy the flight ticket to Taiwan, then Agust D aka Suga announced his tour and I flew to Jakarta with Latun to watch his concert. Broke up with my partner for good and improved my relationships with my colleagues ten folds.

Love with your whole heart. It's not like I love half-heartedly but I am quite reserved with my feelings, but not in 2023, I love whole heartedly, it hurts. I know that time is fleeting, and I am living in the moment, feeling all the feelings there is and just feel it to the max. I fall in love with everyone and everything, and myself. I do not have sufficient vocabulary in my knowledge to explain the feeling of whole heartedly immersed in a love, or in a bond. It pushes me to get to know the strong and soft side of myself and those around me. You will see how people change when they are loved whole heartedly, and you will see yourself grow when you are able to.

Strengthen and deepen your existing relationships. I've been blessed with such strong support system of like-minded people and even though I feel like our relationship was amazing, I am still surprised by how much deeper we can go. Had new experiences with the close relationships I have in my life, learn new things about them, and taught them new things about me. We also get to see each other grow.

Wrong Things can still feel like the right thing and vice versa. Things can work out and not work out no matter how right or wrong you started it. I get to know a lot of my relationship boundaries in 2023, be it romantic or platonic, and I have made peace with myself.

Knowing What You Want is a blessing. It is also a blessing to not know what you want and that's just the best thing about being human, how we can actually just do whatever we want within our means and our means can change. I love how I get to know myself more this year, being 31 means I am clearer with my boundaries, my intent, and my values and I can't guarantee that this will last forever but it gave me peace of mind that I at least know myself enough to know what I deserve. Also, I can give back to those I love.

You don't have to justify your priorities. Different people would have different goals priorities in life, and just because it is not aligned to yours or is not like yours, does not mean they are living a wrong life, or you are living weirdly. Your priorities are tied to your capabilities, values and goals. There are 7 billion human life in this known world, you are allowed to live your own life.

Barbie, 19 July 2023, 1:25 PM

I will vlog it but I just wanted to write it down before my memories betray me.

I didn’t expect for the movie to speak to my inner child as blatantly as it did.

When Barbie opened the Hospital House, as in the toy that allows Barbie to be a doctor, I cried. Because I realized I never had that, because my family couldn’t afford it and now I’m a 30 year old adult watching a Barbie movie on my own knowing I can buy 10 of those houses.

This movie just had everything, feminism, equality, reality, political nuances, relationships. It made rethink of my relationship with my own mom, *spoilers* triggered by how Barbie thought the memory she has of her ‘owner’ was of the teenager but it was indeed the mom.

Our moms were little girls once, they had the same want and needs as us and also had to grow up earlier than they had to just like us. It just made me so sad over how my mom’s life went and how she ended up raising me that way.

The movie just evoked a lot of emotions in me and just as I am typing this I am literally crying in public.

The whole board room at Mattel are all male, that was such a nice touch, the actors in Barbie all carried their character so well. Greta Gerwig is really the genius that she is.

I had no expectations going into it, it is a Barbie movie after all. But it’s my childhood and my present. I am so grateful to experience this magnificent body of work.

I need to calm down for a bit, I am still overwhelmed with emotions.

I’ll vlog it later.

16 July, 11:43 AM

Took myself on a cafe date today after Kah Hiong, washed my car, had Kah Hiong then now I am at Flint at The Curve.

I am not on my phone other than writing this. I am just people watching and waiting for my order to enjoy it, I love the vibe and the playlist of this cafe. But since I’ve eaten I can’t really be judging their food.

I feel so good right now. I feel content and accomplished. I love myself so much because I deserve this peace, I love how I love myself, and I feel amazing.

Can’t wait to travel alone so I can do this in a foreign country, it will be even more interesting. Can’t believe that I am at a point of my life where I can actually do this on my own, enjoying life full of contentment while being alone.

Blessed to have made it this far in life, blessed. So blessed.

CNJ

but why did my good days and healed moments just unraveled from listening to sad songs

it was as if i was hiding in the corner of my room, frozen in time and allowing my shell to roam around the house we used to share together

Am i really healed

have i really moved on

Are you hurting as much as I am

I’m crying over the ghosts of our memories

I know there is no future to it and the present is just as beautiful and painful

But i can still drown in the pool of my own tears, suffocated by the words of others in the form of guitar strums and grandiose piano keys

i know that the light at the end of the tunnel is bright and I’m crawling and clawing my way out of this darkness

It really is so dark in here

Half A Year Blessings

Great and amazing things that happened in the first half of 2023

1. Visited Manila with my bestie and saw Arctic Monkey live! Our first overseas trip together after 15 years of friendship.

2. Joji concert with Soscho! So blessed to see him live for the second time.

3. Jakarta with Latun for Agust D, amazing time, highlight of the first half of my year despite getting covid for the second time.

4. Having my parents around during Raya, get to eat great food and see my cousin and her daughter.

5. Getting better with my portioning and food selection.

6. Lots and lots of BTS content, the Suchwita(s) and the Festa

7. Great concourse event, first in 5 years!

8. My brother getting married in Jan.

9. Being consistent AF with my vlogging and getting better at my editing. Can you believe I have 70 subs like I am nobody. Hahaha

Journal Entry: 3rd July 2023

Wow, work is beating the shit out of me. Whenever I catch myself complaining about work, I always somehow always invalidate my own feelings, thinking it is actually not that bad, because I was not suffering as much as I did when I was in my previous two company, now THAT’s trauma.

But... just because you’re not being worked to death with psychos playing mind games, does not mean you cannot suffer. Being in corporate is just so soul draining, it’s just not something I enjoy, I don’t even know if anyone enjoys this, please come up to me and tell me how much you love corporate so I can know that this is fun for some people.

I started to dream about work again last week, having anxiety on Mondays again, but not as bad.

It’s really not THAT bad but I just don’t feel totally at ease? I don’t know how to explain. 

But I did catch myself being more thankful every day though, I’m not sure whether this practice is a coping mechanism, but it made me happy in general. I don’t have to be extremely happy with work, but I am happy in general because I have amazing connections with people that matters, I have BTS, I have things to look forward to.

I’m happy in that sense.

I always have this feeling that there will be so many surprises from the universe soon, that it’s just around the corner and it’s making me so giddy. This feeling never leaves.

Other than that I am just thankful that I’ve been quite organized with my home, did a bit of redecorating for my home office and finally framed my Agust D Jakarta posters, it made me so happy looking at his face while working.

Count your blessings.

Journal Entry: 29 June 2023

I’ve not been healing linearly lately, it has to do with my hormones for sure because today is the first day of my period and I cried again, Taylor Swift’s songs really be hitting different when you’re trying to heal from a breakup. Cardigan and Breathe really be hitting me hard.

I do have moments where nostalgia washes over me and I’ll catch myself starting to romanticize having a person again, it’s like I miss being wanted and loved, even though I am loved and wanted even without a romantic partner.

It’s the feeling I am missing and not really the person, that is how I know I am definitely healing and there is really nothing wrong with feeling these things. I promise to take my time and heal myself, work on my traumas and getting to know myself again. 

The past 4 years really grew me but I had the comfort blanket of a partner, now that I am back to being on my own, I really need to rebuild my own security. 

I think yesterday triggered something in me. I was just chilling in the pantry at the office and then one of my colleague who saw me then asked whether I like being alone and I answered her “Yes, and no, but I like being alone in the office” because I don’t like strangers, their energies are unpredictable. I need to be more open of course but I was just not feeling it. Then the colleague proceeded to say “I can’t see people seating alone” laced with pity. It triggered me because I HATE being pitied, but I don’t have control over what other people feel because it is stemming from their own trauma and POV, maybe they view themselves that way.

So instead of being triggered by it and being mad at the person for ‘pitying’ me, I decided to be more introspective and ask myself why was I triggered? Turns out it’s because I don’t like to be viewed as weak, and most people think being alone equals to weakness because there is strength in numbers and community. Which is not wrong. 

But why was I so affected by being viewed as “weak” by a literal stranger who is simply just a colleague? Who meant no harm, and was trying to be nice, I hold no responsibility to correct other people’s feelings towards me whether it be pity or nice or maliciousness, it’s none of my business and I shouldn’t have the need to ‘correct’ them over their feelings. What I can control is my own feelings and perception, and recognizing that I was triggered over being perceived as weak (alone, a loner) is the first step, I don’t have the answer yet as to why being perceived as weak and alone is a sore point for me, I hope that by journaling it I will get my answer as I peel the layers.

Maybe it made me feel unwanted, and when you feel unwanted you started to question why and even though I worked so hard on loving myself but my trauma will resurface sometimes, namely my childhood and teenagehood trauma because I was told that I was fat and unlovable my whole childhood and teenagehood, not an easy thing to unlearn and heal from. 

I do love me now, I love me so much, I am healing my inner child and the Cicio that grew up thinking she is never picked, I’ve met so many people that proved me wrong, and they made me choose myself as well. I am eternally grateful for that. 

Another incident was when I was just casually chatting with another colleague about lunch and then when I said I had lunch alone and his face fell and I can feel the pity again, he even goes to say “Omg why did u have lunch alone” which is the weirdest projection ever because I do not see any issue with doing anything alone, GENUINELY, and when I see people doing things on their own it NEVER crossed my mind that they’re doing things ALONE, you know what I mean? I have no thoughts. Maybe I’ll check em out if I find them attractive but I don’t project any feelings towards them. I know and understand that people who project these views towards others are also self-conscious that people will do the same to them because they think of that towards others, and that may stem from their own trauma but that’s none of my business.

So I reflect on myself again, and decided that okay, I am triggered because I do not like to be reminded of my childhood and teenagehood trauma surrounded by people who are trying to convince me that I am unwanted, because I believed them then and worked so hard to unlearn that. 

Now that I recognize the root, I shall once again detach from this projection. Whatever people say about anything is literally just a projection of what they feel inside and it unravels their insecurities instead of highlights yours, and again, that’s none of your business to unpack for them, just be self-aware of your own perception and feelings and if it’s a negative one, find the root and work on it.

Looking forward to life unraveling. 

Journal Entry: 12 June 2023

4:12 PM

I haven’t cried since Friday. But I cried on Friday night because of Queen Charlotte the Netflix series, the final episode’s ending scene was just so heartwarming. I’ve been triggered like that from time to time.

I wouldn’t say that I am completely okay now, but I do see some progress, and I know that progress is not linear and I can go up and down, but today as of this moment I am okay and I am optimistic. I am looking forward to a lot of things, although tomorrow is never guaranteed but it helps to look forward to things, at least for me.

It’s not even huge things sometimes, this week I am looking forward to the lunches I am having with my ex colleagues, and then I am seeing Jasmine on Sunday. I’m also not beating myself up for not being “productive”, I just do what I can and be gentler to myself. I am however trying to focus more on improving my diet and physical activity, especially now that I’ve had covid twice, I need to work extra to maintain my health, not just maintain but also improve my health.

I wanted to plan some personal time for my birthday, I haven’t thought of anything yet, I haven’t decided on whether I want company or I wanted to be alone. I just want a change of scenery.

I really enjoyed my alone time last Saturday, after dropping off my car at the service centre I head to Starling and bought an astrology book at BookXcess, I then proceeded to the book cafe and had breakfast while reading a book and listening to music. It feels so good, I haven’t felt that in awhile. 

The contentment you get from being around people you love versus the contentment you get from being alone are totally different. It felt slightly like cosplaying when I first do it, but eventually it just feels so satisfying. I am planning to have some quality alone time this Saturday as well.

We’ll see!

Things that I need to learn to do on my own again:

1. Grocery shopping, it’s not like I’ve never done it alone but it is an activity that we share together, one of it that actually means a lot

2. Scooping and cleaning sushimiso’s litter, it was his favour

3. Cleaning the ceiling fan, also one of the lil thing he does

4. Cooking. I used to hate cooking for two I felt annoyed but now, cooking for one… felt odd

5. Carrying heavy stuff, lately I let him carry a lot of stuff, I used to decline help thinking I never needed help but when we started talking bout breaking up I kinda let him do those stuff

6. Working out, yeah we lift weights together

7. Bathing sushimiso, I don’t do it because they’re too aggressive

8. Brushing sushimiso and cutting their nails, I hardly do it but now I have to

9. Turning on the robo vacuum daily.

10. Watering the plants.

I used to do all of these on my own, didn’t realize I’ve been letting him do it.

3 June 3:16 PM Home

It’s weird how thick loneliness feels on my tongue. I’m covid positive for the second time, 11 months gap from my first positive. I am a high risk person now. Really never put your guard down guys! I was very careful in Jakarta too, we wore mask most of the time but I guess it only takes ONE instance, and that instance is the concert.

Anyway, I was supposed to visit my friend’s house for his open house but because I was positive I couldn’t. I feel like I really needed to socialize given the things I’ve been through this week. Being sick, officially single, and post concert depression from Agust D.

But I guess I needed to sit with my feelings? And digest it? I keep finding distractions that are not even working. BTS is having Bangbangcon and even 6 hours worth of concert fail to distract me from the empty gaping hole that I am sitting with. I don’t know how to maneuver this yet, because it feels really empty and lonely. It’s the kind of loneliness that cannot be explained because even with the person’s presence I still feel the same loneliness.

So what is it that I want. I need to know that there is more to it than what is in my reality right now. I know that in the back of my mind and my reality is just not matching it because I am stuck at home.

I feel bad, for the world. Yet I feel so much empathy and compassion towards myself. Like, this is my first actual heartbreak and I think I’m dealing with it quite logically.

There really is no step by step on this right? I’d just have to go through it day by day and write about it.

That’ll help I hope.

I know I can’t rush the process but when the waves hit it feels like drowning even though i could swim

Because once you hear something, you can never return to the time before you heard it.

Jonathan Safran Foer

Ursula K. Le Guin, from The Left Hand of Darkness

I know it’s really weird that I feel happier at 30 than I was looking back at my 20s. I was happy then too I think, but somehow where I am right now is the happiest I’ve been.

Is it because I just love being in the present knowing that everything eventually did work out? Being at a vantage point recalling my youth (also living it still), knowing that everything did work out, made the ‘now’ so much calmer, joyful, hopeful.

You have your life ahead of you. Live it.

Journal Entry: 8 May 2023 (Monday)

I did a Tumblr cleanup earlier, got rid of my followings, people literally weren’t updating for like a decade, hahaha can’t believe some of us are still here right? It’s been long abandoned. I’m still around mainly because this is my safe space of which I can just journal without worrying about people reading it, some may, but let’s be real it’s like talking to the void. Most of us no longer have the attention spans to be reading long blog posts like this, I myself included. My attention span for content consumption has reduced dramatically since 2020, I can barely sit through one movie without wanting to combust.

I remember being so active on Tumblr, I would scroll endlessly and it genuinely did felt like a community, I had a few Tumblr friends. I kinda miss that, but now we are more wary of who we talk to online, as we should.

I haven’t been out since yesterday, and I don’t know... not being out and about could sometimes take a toll on me, because I feel like I need the sun and to be with people. But at the same time I like not doing anything and staying in, maybe I’m just having ADHD Paralysis.

I’m looking forward to Jakarta so much, damn I really am, counting days, also I’m missing Bangtan a lot, like all 7 together. They’re such comfort to me, been watching Run BTS episodes.

Also been feeling rather nostalgic recently, I think it’s definitely because of mercury retrograde, whenever it comes around I would always feel this type of way.

A friend of mine is going through something, with his dad, his dad is sick and battling for his life, I just feel highly empathetic, I just feel so heavy for him. At the same time I’m sending strong energy to him and his family hoping that they’ll go through this with courage and acceptance. It is something that all human must go through and I just hope that we’re all able to be with each other when we’re going through such a painful human experience.

I also had a recent realization about children, I used to say that I do not like kids, and I saw this one tik tok that explained that usually when we feel that way it is because we haven’t done the work to heal ourselves. I didn’t get to be a kid, I have always been expected to mature, I was like the third parent. I had to self regulate and parent myself at a young age as I was raised by narcisstic and traumatized parents who are not emotionally sound. Hence, when I saw kids that “misbehave” or not acting like what I think they should be acting, I get triggered. I realized now that I was simply reacting to my past trauma.

Children deserves to be children and be validated and cared for by the adults in their life, they aren’t supposed to know everything and behave like adults because they’re not adults. With that realization, I have became more compassionate towards children, yes I may still get annoyed it’s not an easy thing to unlearn but there is that spark in me that made me feel more empathy towards them.

I also try to live in the present more and detach from future outcomes, appreciating the past but not letting it be the shackle that I carry into the future. Can’t wait for Jupiter to move into Taurus.

Journal Entry: 2 May 2023 (Tuesday)

It’s so satisfying that the month started “in order”, today being 2nd of May and 2nd day of the week, a Tuesday.

I’m back here  to digest the past couple of weeks because my parents flew in to visit for Raya break, in which I didn’t take any extra leaves but thankfully my work is pretty flexible for me to still be able to take them around.

Were there any triggering stuff? Yes, of course. I had quite a lot of realisation of the little habits I picked up from them or the defence and coping mechanism I have because of how they treated me, at the same time I do feel a sense of comfort having them around, I don’t know how to explain it.

I love it because my mom cooks and we eat together, and it’s nice to have someone cook for me, I am an act of service person after all. Other than that I observed the fact that I tend to rush to get out of the car because I mimicked them, also I get defensive a lot because I often feel judged by them because they like to compare me to others growing up.

But realising all these just made me more aware of my reactions, not letting it affect or define me any longer, I just feel like as we grow older our parents seemed less mighty. We used to rely on them a lot because they’re supposed to take care of us but as we grow into adulthood, especially if we had to re-parent ourselves, it seems like they’re not mighty at all and they’re more “human” than we think they are. 

I have a sense of guilt and pity towards them, knowing how blessed my life is, away from trauma and the shackles that is my upbringing, but they are still there living life with barely any improvement from the past. It made me feel guilty somehow, but why do I feel this guilt? Was it imposed? Or is this just the human part of me? But at the same time I don’t think we’re meant to be together more than just a “visit”, I will not be able to live with them ever again. We’re just not compatible that way. I value my own space so much now.

But it was nice to have them around for a bit, I have to admit, it was not as bad as I thought it was gonna be, even though it was Mercury Retrograde. We visited my cousin and her family in Cheras on the second day of Raya, at least there were some familiar faces, I didn’t feel out of place or dreading it, it felt nice.

It was tiring physically for me because I still had to work and then take them around, but it was nice, so thankful for that.

I’ve also been enjoying content from Yoongi and his tour, can’t wait for the one in Jakarta in which Latun and I are going, so excited! 

How about work? I am simply doing it, am I super ecstatic? Not really. I am however feeling better about work, as in I can do it better with less anxiety, working on it! I always get adhd paralysis at work, it’s just so overwhelming but I think I am doing okay if I apply more structure with time blocking, it’s actually very manageable. 

As for personal relationship, I don’t know if this is healthy but I don’t feel that sad, am I suppressing or have I grieved it enough? Not sure, but I really need him to move out asap, this is getting ridiculous, like how do we move on if we’re still going on this way? I hope he takes this shit seriously because my 5 stages of grief is about to circle back to anger.

Anyway, just finished doing a sheet mask, need to wake up early to head to the office tomorrow. 

Might be an interesting day tomorrow, with surprises.