hiamandasargent-blog
Amanda Sargent
Writer and Lover of Anything That Isn't Human
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how an eating disorder really is.
*Trigger Warning -- graphic retellings of fasting, purging and ED related thoughts*
The most terrifying thing is that you actually get to a point where it completely and utterly normalizes. Like, at first I remember being so sensitive, so aware of what I was doing— how messed up and scary and unnatural and against every instinct to survive I ever had it was. And then, just like any habit, it becomes a part of you. You excuse yourself after every meal to purge and you do so with terrifying grace. You learn not to make a peep. Not to get it on your clothes or in your hair. You always have the proper tools with you— mouthwash and perfume and eyedrops and make-up to blend where the black mascara tears traced through your foundation. And you get so good at it. I mean, one finger, one plunge is all it took. I’d do this over and over, usually ten times or so until nothing else would come. And it became as natural to me as using the bathroom for any other purpose. I forgot that other people didn’t just do this. That I was literally forcing myself to do something that the body is designed to do when it needs to rid itself of toxins. Food was toxic to me, and I considered it just another way of taking care of myself.
I used to have this fantasy that I’d get cancer. Yep. You heard me right. I used to fantasize about cancer— not for the attention, god, the attention was what I didn’t want, never mind the actual fucking cancer. The only reason was because I knew I’d lose weight if I got it.
I know how fucking twisted and wrong and selfish and sickening this is. I know. I know that cancer is a monster, a life-ravaging, sorrow-smothering monster in this world that brings nothing but pain to everyone it touches, but this is how sick I was. This is how deeply, deeply disturbed and mentally ill I was, and on the surface you’d never know. You’d never know that at that time, I’d have signed happily on the dotted line if Death himself had offered to give me cancer. I’d have signed up for the suffering, for the pain, for the chemo and for losing every lock of my beloved long hair, just so that when people came to look upon me in my fucking casket maybe they’d say “god, look how thin she is.” “wasn’t she just beautiful? So thin.”
I want you to know that while eating disorders may be a joke to some, or even worse, something to aspire to— a testament of discipline that people who struggle with their weight wish they could attain, I’m trying to tell you that people who have actually gone down this road have seen hell. They’ve seen it, and they’ve willingly walked into it, getting so used to the heat of the flames that they don’t even notice they’re burning alive.
Sure, I lost weight. I was thin. But I never saw that. I never collected any prize. Even at my lowest weight when my bones stuck out and none of my clothes would fit and people started getting concerned I never saw it. I know it’s hard for people to understand this because it’s literally visual deception— seeing things that aren’t there. It’s a scary thing to witness. I could never tell you how or why the brain does this. I’ve never hallucinated or seen things that aren’t there, but I’d look in the mirror and I’d still see an overweight girl wearing size zero jeans, unable to make sense of how she was fitting into them. I never got to a point where I smiled and said “wow, I did it. I was disciplined. I was strong. I made changes to my lifestyle. I skipped meals, I threw up everything I ate, I exercised every single day, I accomplished my weight loss goals, and here I am.” I was exactly what I’d always wanted to be and more, and I never lived a single day as that girl. I was trapped, tortured and too far gone to see my life for what it really was. I’m telling you, it’s not worth it. All that work and disapline will get you something, but it isn’t what you think. You will impact your health in ways you can never take back. I’ve been recovered for two years and I have a heart arrhythmia, hypoglycemia, a grueling and irregular period that had once been mild and manageable, dental decay and throat damage that I’m still working to repair. There is no pay off. It’s a grueling uphill battle, the hardest one you’ll ever fight, and you will work hard and punish yourself and make sacrifices and give and give and give only to find that there is no winning. It’s not possible. You either do it until you realize you need help, or you do it until you fucking die.
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You know what’s fun to write? Healthy relationships.
I don’t mean in the sense that healthy relationships are important to portray in fiction–no, I mean, they’re actually enjoyable to scribble down. Think of these examples:
A and B kicking ass together 👍
A and B believing in and listening to each other 👍
A and B communicating their problems (doubles as good scene-setting to further explore the characters’ reactions to stress) 👍
Makeout sessions 👍
Quick kisses that makes one/both smile 👍
One swearing to protect the other and then doing it 👍
A and B both contributing to the other’s character development in sweet and positive ways 👍
One recognizing the other’s faults but not letting the knowledge overshadow why they love their partner 👍
One doing something nice for the other, even if it’s in the middle of a battle for the fate of the world 👍
A and B overcoming all the torture you throw at them but never losing their friendship and sense of peace when they’re together 👍
and more
There’s something to writing unhealthy relationships, in the sense of drama and conflict, but there’s no reason a healthy one can’t have drama and conflict while the characters still work to make their partner happy. There’s also something to not throwing unneeded drama and conflict at them, allowing them to interact with themselves and the story in positive ways. Honestly, it’s refreshing and puts a smile on your face (or, at least it puts one on mine). It shows everyone else what the characters prioritize: a healthy dynamic with the person they care about most. It doesn’t have to be boring.
(Also applies to non-monogamous and platonic relationships.)
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Great again?
"wow times are so dark, things are just getting worse and worse, take us back to simpler times, make America great again,"
Okay I guess I'm confused. Shit ain't perfect, but it's only very recently become acceptable for gay people to be out, and it's only been legal for them to get married for TWO years. TWO years ago, we as a "free" country felt that it was unreasonable to allow some of our fellow Americans to get married. Up until just recently, our fellow Americans who happened to be homosexual had to hide their lives from us entirely for fear of being persecuted.
Only very recently has mental illness begun to be taken seriously. People are finally listened to, treated correctly and compassionately, and the public finally has access to information to become educated. The mentally ill were institutionalized, neglected and tortured in secret and went largely untreated and uncared about well into the 1980s.
In the 1960's and 1970's if you were a young man, you were more than likely going to be FORCED to go off to war, where you may or may not make it back alive. Have fun! By this time us white folks are still wrapping up being abysmal human beings to our fellow Americans who happen to be black. Go back to the 1950s and into the 1960s, and white people were lynching their fellow Americans. Black people couldn't attend the same schools, drink from the same water fountains or use the same bathrooms as white people for no good reason. Resturaunts didn't have to serve them, police officers didn't have to help them, courts would almost always rule unfairly in white people's favor, and we socially segregated them because of the color of their skin. Because we could.
It's the 1930's and there is genocide in Germany, MILLIONS of Jews killed because of who they are. We fight a deadly war because humans haven't learned yet that it's not cool to kill millions of people for the fuck of it.
We go back further and women cannot vote. They are discouraged from attending university and expected to remain in the home to cook, clean and care for the children and man-child husband.
Go back further and you'll see white people whipping black slaves-- humans treated worse than animals, forced to endure pure EVIL only ended by a fucking war because we were that petty and horrible.
And as we go back further you'll keep noticing this trend.
The last public execution in America, as in everyone comes out and has a great time watching someone DIE, was in 1936.
1850, American settlers force Native Americans to move from their ancestral homelands, not only forcing relocation but forcing them to walk, suffer from exposure to the elements, disease, and starvation, killing more than four thousand before reaching their various destinations.
1692 Salem MA humans are so fucking dumb they kill innocent people because they think they're witches.
1493 Christopher Columbus and his men slaughter and rape hundreds of Native Americans (but here, have a holiday!)
264 BCE and if you're in Rome you might be able to catch a Gladiator battle where people literally watch prisioners fight to the death for fun.
I mean, human history is disgusting. What do you miss? Please, enlighten me. Because I think despite the bullshit, we're getting better.
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If you’ve never listened to or read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch, I highly recommend it. I read it every year and it’s life-changing and very profound.
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writers need a lot of encouragement, and over the past few weeks I’ve been told a lot of really cool things about writers that we deserve or that we should be thinking about in terms of our value. so if you’re ever doubting yourself as a writer, keep all of these in mind!
I’ll start off by saying that people want you. They want your stories and your ideas. Not everyone can write well, not everyone is good at telling stories, but everyone wants a good story to get absorbed in. You’re in high demand! Recognize the value in what you can do, and how valuable it is to other people.
Your time is worth just as much as the time of people consuming your work. Don’t let people waste it. After all, you need time to write, and they need that material that you’re providing.
Most writers aren’t confident, even really successful ones, so you’re in good company. But you need to believe in what you’re writing if you want anyone else to buy into it, otherwise it’s a waste of their time. Why waste time on something you don’t believe in? If you’re willing to spend a lot of time writing something, it’s because you see something great in it, you see something worth spending a lot of time on, and you think someone else is going to enjoy it, too. Remember that.
It’s really really really hard to finish anything long (and anything short, to be honest!). And then there’s redrafts and redrafts and redrafts. Keep pushing through to finish it, because it feels really good. And then edit it to make it better. Make it the best it possibly can be. Editing doesn’t mean that what you did was bad. Nothing is at its best on the first try.
Keep writing. You only get better at writing if you do it a lot, like with anything.
Sometimes people don’t always pay as much attention to the things we’re most proud of as we want them to. That’s okay. If you’re proud of it, you have good reason to be, and you accomplished something.
Alternatively, sometimes people pay a lot of attention to something you don’t really think is worth paying as much attention to for whatever reason. But they’ve clearly seen something in it that’s really resonating with them, and you did that! You got that reaction out of them! Congratulations!
Writing is hard, but it’s also cathartic and incredibly rewarding, not just for you, but for everyone who reads what you’ve written. So keep on doing what you do, believe in it, and know that there are people out there who believe in you and want what you have to give!
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what is it about capybaras that attracts groups of small animals to them?
Its not just mammals either its like birds and turtles and frogs too
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So accurate
slytherin girls tapping their matte black nails impatiently on the desks, waiting for charms to be over so they can fix their roots, fiddling with the laces of their worn out combat boots, applying perfect winged eyeliner without even trying, scrawling their name in sharpies on the bottoms of their desks, wearing shorts in the dead of winter because they could, sending each other bad selfies in the middle of the night, perfecting the messy bun, dorms filled with old polariods and louboutins and old sweaters strewn everywhere
hufflepuff girls having kitchen raids at two in the morning, wearing ridiculously oversize yellow sweaters, using dry shampoo much too often, wearing the most glittery highlighters, perfecting curled ombre hair, using up whole packs of polaroid film at once, leaving nice notes on everyone’s bed, wearing ripped tights because why not, always laughing in the hallways, playing muggle music on old record players and dorms filled with all kinds of plants and cacti
gryffindor girls having the perfect dutch braids, all taking baths in the prefects bathroom at the same time, dancing in the rain, snapping their gum loudly, watching old films in the common room, perfecting the red lip, doing dares that seem stupid in the morning, playing muggle soccer on the quidditch pitch, group chats with every gryffindor girl, wearing red ponchos that are obnoxiously loud when you move, dorms draped in gold and covered in lights and always having enough snacks laying around
ravenclaw girls having study sessions and always writing the most beautiful notes, perfecting their sharp eyebrows, watching netflix when they’re supposed to be studying, making their own perfumes, running around in the hallways after curfew, having a flawless instagram feed, wearing tattered and ripped jeans, annotating books until they were covered in notes, brewing their own skin treatments, dorms filled with stacks of books and to do lists and covered in blue lights
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Don't ever hesitate. Reblog this. TUMBLR RULE. When you see it, REBLOG IT.
The original post only has US helplines. I've added UK helplines underneath. It would be great if people could add numbers from everywhere in the world.
Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433
LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255
Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743
Eating Disorders Hotline: 1-847-831-3438
Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673
Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272
Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253
Child Abuse: 1-800-422-4453
UK Helplines:
Samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail [email protected]
Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111
Mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: [email protected]
Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463 [email protected]
b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: [email protected]
b-eat youthline (for under 25's with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)
Cruse Bereavement Care: 08444779400 e-mail: [email protected]
Frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600
Drinkline: 0800 9178282
Rape Crisis England & Wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail [email protected]
Rape Crisis Scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight
India Self Harm Hotline: 00 08001006614
India Suicide Helpline: 022-27546669
Kids Help Phone (Canada): 1-800-668-6868, Free and available 24/7
suicide hotlines;
Argentina: 54-0223-493-0430
Australia: 13-11-14
Austria: 01-713-3374
Barbados: 429-9999
Belgium: 106
Botswana: 391-1270
Brazil: 21-233-9191
Canada: 1-800-448-3000
China: 852-2382-0000
(Hong Kong: 2389-2222)
Costa Rica: 606-253-5439
Croatia: 01-4833-888
Cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67
Czech Republic: 222-580-697, 476-701-908
Denmark: 70-201-201
Egypt: 762-1602
Estonia: 6-558-088
Finland: 040-5032199
France: 01-45-39-4000
Germany: 0800-181-0721
Greece: 1018
Guatemala: 502-234-1239
Holland: 0900-0767
Honduras: 504-237-3623
Hungary: 06-80-820-111
Iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90
Israel: 09-8892333
Italy: 06-705-4444
Japan: 3-5286-9090
Latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292
Malaysia: 03-756-8144
(Singapore: 1-800-221-4444)
Mexico: 525-510-2550
Netherlands: 0900-0767
New Zealand: 4-473-9739
New Guinea: 675-326-0011
Nicaragua: 505-268-6171
Norway: 47-815-33-300
Philippines: 02-896-9191
Poland: 52-70-000
Portugal: 239-72-10-10
Russia: 8-20-222-82-10
Spain: 91-459-00-50
South Africa: 0861-322-322
South Korea: 2-715-8600
Sweden: 031-711-2400
Switzerland: 143
Taiwan: 0800-788-995
Thailand: 02-249-9977
Trinidad and Tobago: 868-645-2800
Ukraine: 0487-327715
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A real life monster mash
One time my bf and I were at this Italian resturant eating BOMB ASS baked tortellini and drinking hella wine. Then like 7 adults ages 50+ walk in, single file, and take their seats at a round table beside us. They were all dressed as monsters and all 100% in character. There was a mummy, a werewolf, a vampire, a creature from the black lagoon, a witch, Frankenstien's monster and his bride (a lovely gay couple omg my heart) and basically they just sat there having a legit fucking MONSTER MASH irl beside my drunk ass and I was fucking DELIGHTED to my core.
Probably one of my top ten most magical moments of my life.
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