help-me-im-old
Journey to the Center of my Earth
a memoir of my attempts of being
15 posts
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Last Seen Blogs
maria-piscitelli-blog
Maria
g0ld5tar
ex-d*ke
misqnon
sniff sniff
ghosts-and-blue-sweaters
a Ghost, a Sock Man, and a Hockey Player :]
nochunia
Don't tell me to calm down.
Text
30 before 30 | no. 8- try 5 new cuisines
I had korean food for the first time, it was interesting. I loved some and I was meh about other stuff. I took my k-pop fan cousin with me. However, she is 10 and not very open to other cuisines. She didn't have as much fun as I had.
I got tangsuyuk, she got dagganjong also we ordered kimchi and tteokbokki to share. (I ate most of them.) My favorites were the sauce of tansuyuk and kimchi. I drank sujeonggwa, it was too sweet for my liking but general taste was lovely.
I also tried patbingsu. It was very delicious. I had as many toppings as I could. Red bean paste and condensed milk went great with shaved ice. My cousin only had the ice cream part.
It was fun to try a new thing. 4 more cuisines left to try. I am thinking of Indian or Pakistani for the next time.
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
I AM GRADUATING. I passed my graduation project with 3.5/4.0. I am so close to finishing the school. Only 30 days of internship left for me to graduate.
0 notes
Text
it is a sign when you are feeling uneasy about the guy you are flirting and the tower, the devil and knight of wands cards fall from your deck.
0 notes
Text
i am so stressed out, only escape mechanism i have is romione and it is getting a little embarrassing.
0 notes
Text
my romione headcanon:
♡ hermione had a crush before ron as early as first year because I do not believe ron had emotional maturity to have a real crush till age 13-14.
♡ ron totally slept with lavender, sorry about it. i don't believe ron would pass an opportunity.
♡ ron definitely had undiagnosed adhd and gad, hogwarts needs a psychological counselor.
♡ hermione pressured ron (and harry) to return back to hogwarts. I want them to have a one year of enjoying school together.
♡ ron never left being an auror. cursed child is not canon.
♡ hermione and ron has a cute house by a lake. they have multiple pets because hermione likes cats, ron likes dogs, rose likes rabbits, hamsters and other rodents, and hugo likes toads and frogs.
♡ hermione gets pregnant again after kids are back in hogwarts. how well she manages to deal with being a pregnant minister of magic amazes ron.
these are some random stuff i like to think about.
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
the feminine urge to unearth pre-DH romione fanfics I wrote in middle school.
1 note
·
View note
Text
Only thing that keeps me alive right now is reading romione fanfics. It is like home to me at this point, it is not shocking since i've been doing that for 16 years. I remember being 13 and reading fanfics in school computer lab.
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
me: ugh i hate cliches
harry potter fanfiction: they were partners at the potions class and the assignment was to do amortentia and they realized they were each other's favorite smell
me: OH MY GOD THEY WERE EACH OTHER'S FAVORITE SMELL 😭😭😭😭😭😭
13K notes
·
View notes
Text
I have been very depressed, very anxious for the last month. I started believing I am ill, started manifesting my depression as health anxiety. I started seeing a professional. They say most of the problems I have can be from anxiety. I am now using tranquilizers to be able to calm down. This might be a low point but it is still a part of my journey to be better.
0 notes
Text
The first crit went good, i was thanked for elaborate work and i was proud of myself until next day. My anxiety took control of me, i convinced myself that I am seriously ill. I had face palsy in 2018, either BP or RHS, diagnosis was unclear. Then synkinesis came in early 2019. I have been in constant pain ever since. I have been getting botox injections. I have massively changed my life style to lower inflammation in my body. But yesterday was rough. I have been feeling dizzy for last month, my balance is off center, my affected ear has been ringing. Any sane person would assume it is related to my face nerves being inflamed. Instead I made myself think I am severely ill. I still dont know, I hope I feel better soon.
0 notes
Text
i am kinda proud of myself. I submitted 4 posters for my first crit of the grad project. We wete given an unreasonably short amount of time to even start working on schematic plans so i skipped those and focused on analysing the area + developing a feasible concept.
I didn't sleep for days. I actually hate to brag about it but it is a convo for another day. Basically, I believe glamorizing self abuse (forcing self not to sleep in order to work, working overtime without payment, comparing to others with no mercy to self) is one of the most damaging part of the architecture culture. Whenever I work on a design project, I usually get really anxious to a point of getting sick because of the trauma I inflicted on myself during my first design project. This time I was very calm, I managed to control my anxiety by not surpressing it but rationalizing with it. I actually enjoyed the process and I hope I won't get trashed during the presentation. I was told I would be the first which means they will be more cheerful but i will be there for longer than others. It is nerve wrecking to think about it but i try to use those CBT methods i learned in therapy. I directly work with the automatic negative thoughts rather than the surface level feelings. Anyways, i am proud myself so far.
0 notes
Text
is it normal to feel like you are occupying someone else's space?
0 notes
Text
My tarot cards are here. They are not the best of the quality but i am glad i finally got them. I was delaying getting them for years because postponing is my toxic trait. I've always wanted a Rider-Waite deck as a start but i just realized the one i got is a redrawing of that. The design has somewhat a He-Man vibe and i am living for it.
Plus, the cards are in both Turkish and English. I was so worried it will be only in Turkish.
0 notes
Text
Hi, I am 29 and I haven't really liked myself since 1997. I was supposed to post this on my birthday. My birthday was on the 30th of September, it took me 5 days to sit down and start writing this whole thing. This type of overthinking and procrastinating has always controlled my life. I am always late, I overanalyze before I start and rarely finish on time if I could finish at all. When I am worried about being successful, I overthink, overanalyze and over-stress myself to a point of shutting down.
The same thing happened exactly a month ago when I tried to take bike lessons. I used to ride a bike back when I was a kid, then stopped and developed a fear of falling. The first hour of the class, it was going relatively ok. All of a sudden, I did shut down. All I could think was that I would be a failure if I did not go on. I was clenching every muscle in my body. My heart rate was 180 according to my smartwatch. I stopped everything, sat down, and sobbed. Looking back, it sounds bizarre and pointless to even care about something so insignificant but I did, I pushed myself to a point of breaking down. That breakdown was the moment I realized I have built my own walls and obstacles my whole life. The tangled mess of desire for perfection, fear of failure, never-ending obsessions and compulsions, procrastination, and the eventual running away that dominates my brain became apparent. I know it sounds like a sudden realization but I had been finding the pieces since early 2021. It was just the moment the picture became a whole.
I could have said a lot of things that day instead, I decided to make a list. It was the first summit of my enlightenment mountain. It made me look back to all the actions I took in the last 20+ years, all the trauma I faced, and all the reactions to them. I thought hard about the list that night. A list that prioritizes enjoying the process, rather than stressing over the outcome. I googled online bucket lists and realized I already did 60 percent of them but enjoyed roughly 5 percent. I did learn foreign languages, English and French because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I did travel alone and the whole time I wished I was not depressed. I did dye my hair purple (and every other color) but I still hated myself. I did stay awake for 36 hours, my record 50 hours to be exact but I doubt it counts because having a sleeping schedule is more of a challenge for me. I came to the grim conclusion, if I want to make my bucket list enjoyable for me, I need to stop trying to force myself to do stuff other people think is cool. I don't want to skydive, I don't want to buy a designer bag, I don't want to pet a crocodile. I want to do silly and creative stuff, I want to achieve things and I want to enjoy them. There had to be a balance between downright goofy stuff and serious goals so it actually felt fulfilling. Lastly, it had to avoid any vague statements and strict outcome-based points. In this house, we do not obsess over the destination anymore. We enjoy the ride.
Here is my list explained:
1. Learn Tarot. Because why not? Those cards are mystical and entertaining. They give me insight into how I actually feel about certain prompts.
2. Get my Driver’s License. I’ve never even tried to learn to drive because I am terrified of hurting someone/something. I am so worried that I will crash, it makes me sick to even imagine myself driving. The only reason this is on my list is that I want to challenge my boundaries.
3. Make a Kite and Fly it. Just sounds like a fun activity.
4. Buy Matching Bras + Panties. I’ve always wanted to buy at least one.
5. Learn Stars and Stargaze. I have been obsessed with the night sky since I was a kid. My name has the word moon (in Turkish: ay) in it and I legit thought I was the estranged princess of the moon when I was 6 or something. When I was 14 I would sit on the balcony and stargaze for hours. So, it only makes sense to pay tribute to that.
6. Play a Song on Mandolin. I have a short story about that. In middle school, we were forced to learn an instrument, either mandolin or recorder. (if you were already playing an instrument, you could continue on that one.) I tried mandolin for a year, hated how I could not excel immediately, and left it for good as soon as I graduated. This year, I decided to re-learn it just to give it a fair chance and I actually enjoy it. I am hoping I can play songs that I actually like this year.
7. Start a Youtube Channel. I don’t know I feel like I need to try to make some videos for fun. It might help me, might not. Can’t know without trying.
8. Try 5 new cuisines. Simple enough. If there is someone reading, leave a suggestion. (Anything but Middle Eastern/Mediterranean, please)
9. Create a Time Capsule. Honestly, why not?
10. Be able to speak French. I know French grammar, I understand French. I have my B2 level. However, I am deadly terrified of speaking French. If you ask me anything in French, I will smile and leave.
11. Go to a Festival. I have a love-hate relationship with festivals, they sound fun until I realize I need to be there with other people. I like it when I am there, I hate it when I am not.
12. Enter a Competition. Preferably an architectural design one because I am an architect (almost).
13. Do Shadow Work and Journal Regularly. There have been things I have been hiding and suppressing for so long, it is about time that I face them and grow.
14. Invest in my Body. It is just a cute way of saying, I need to get in shape, be active and try to stay healthier because I have way too many illnesses. I have lost 9 kg (20 lbs) in the last 3 months (down from 101kg/222lbs to 92kg/202lbs) by not eating things I am intolerant to (milk & gluten). The best part is my IBS is manageable now. I also cut off refined sugar because it triggered inflammation in my body. I am not in favor of diet culture but I am actually feeling better physically. I am trying my best not to get in an unhealthy mindset about food, I try to be an intuitive eater and I reason things I can’t eat with physical conditions.
15. Learn to solve a Rubik’s Cube. This is a funny one because I can almost solve one. I just never learned to solve the last face. It is that the idea of finishing something makes me anxious.
16. Become a Baroness (in Sealand?). I really enjoy the concept of Sealand, not only that I also think it is amusing to buy yourself a 50 Euro royal title.
17. Get Ceramics Lesson. Something I have always wanted to do. The only problem is I don’t do well in a class setting but it is impossible to have a ceramics studio at home.
18. Plant a Tree. Trees are great, I would need to take care of it too and I don’t know if I am ready for that kind of commitment.
19. See a Caretta Caretta. I have lived in Turkey my whole life and have never seen a Caretta Caretta. Can you believe that?
20. Go on a Blind Date. Sounds interesting? Might be a horrible idea. I will need to ask someone I trust to refer me to someone they trust.
21. Become a Tourist in İstanbul. I was born and raised in Istanbul and honestly, I’d rather sit in a dark room for 8 hours than be at Grand Bazaar. I always go there to actually buy something though. As long as I pretend to be an aimless tourist, it might be an interesting experience.
22. Ride a Hot Air Balloon in Kapadokya. The only reason for this one is the last time I was there we were in a hurry.
23. Get very Flexible (Yoga, Pilates, etc.). I am naturally very flexible. (might be hypermobility) but I am not good at controlling it.
24. Learn to Dance. Why not? There is nothing to lose, other than time and money.
25. Write a Dumb Book + Publish it. Sci-fi novella, precisely. Just to be able to say I tried. Anyone interested, I may tell the full story.
26. Learn to Code. I have been learning Python for a while now. I would like to get better and actually code something.
27. Sew my Own Clothes. I am a very crafty person. As a result of being a very easily bored introvert, I’ve learned to distract myself with alone activities. I can sew, knit, and crochet, do embroidery, make small sculptures, paint and whatnot. There are some clothing items I would like to have but I can’t find them anywhere. Let’s make them at home?
28. Learn to do Latte Art. I can't even drink animal milk or soy milk. I don't know what was my reasoning behind this.
29. Have a Small Herb Garden. I cook a lot and use copious amounts of herbs (and spices), it might be fun to grow them. It might be good practice for keeping plants alive.
30. Graduate. Lastly, I still have my diploma project from university, I am scared to do it. I believe doing this will help me get to a new chapter in my life.
Note: I can't believe it took me 23 days to post this.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
🔮🕯️ 29 Days of Shadow Work 🕯️🔮
hello, and welcome back!
This NEW Shadow Work calendar is a follow-up to my very first; 31 Days of Shadow Work, and my recent sequel; 30 Days of Shadow Work! 🔮
I'm here to introduce the NEW '29 Days of shadow Work' deep-dive calendar-- this month’s spin is the biggest question of all; WHY?! why do you think, why do you feel, etc... These prompts may seem a little longer because I am blatantly asking you WHY❔❕
My idea this time is for you to take these prompts and give them all you got; delve as deeply as you can into each question-- maybe try dedicating a full front and back page for each prompt! you will need = time, patience, a new (or well-loved) journal & a favorite writing utensil! 📖🖊
BUT-- please remember: this isn’t a test! let your train of thought flow and see what you’re able to uncover the deeper you allow yourself to unconsciously take you! there are no right or wrong answers, just remember to keep writing until you feel like you've said all you can 💜
Let me know if you have any questions or thoughts or feedback!!
🌒🌕🌘
💜 This 29 Days of Shadow Work Prompt Calendar was created by Ashley Nichole Jackson (@iamshwee on Twitter: https://iamshwee.carrd.co/ ) and I encourage you to reach out to me with all progress pictures, ideas, thoughts, questions, and anything else that may come to your mind as you begin your new journey into Shadow Work! ☺️
317 notes
·
View notes