goldenquotesoftheday
Golden Quotes of the Day
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Another day, another hyperfixation
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"Speak to me about better can openers when you are no longer a fetus!"
-my twin talking to our privileged and sheltered friend who's only useed a can open on cans of tuna
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My Pastor: "Hey Google, call (last name)"
Google Assistant: "Which (last name)?"
Pastor: "(last name) Fun"
Me and mom: "fun?"
Pastor clarifying: "Funeral"
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Art Student: *hammering a canvas frame into place*
Art Professor: *thinks he's all smooth* Who's there?
Twin: Not America because freedom rings
Me and Twin: *high fives*
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My twin and I were in painting class. He has no shame.
Twin: *leaves to go to the bathroom* *comes back to see the door closed* *knocks*
Art Professor: *comes over, makes a money sign with his hand, shows a 5, and points to the crack between the bottom of the door and the floor*
Twin: *loudly* "I didn't leave to take a $5 shit bro Let me in!"
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My two second cousins from Jordan came to visit. On the first day one of them was showing off her belly dancing. I wasn't there at the time.
Me: *walking to my room exhausted from work*
Me: *sees twin brother in his room with the door open practicing belly dancing in front of a mirror*
Twin: *concentrated angry faced hip bumps*
Me: Whatcha doing?
Twin: That bitch hip yeeted me across the room. I'm getting revenge.
Me: ..............good luck bro
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"YO DEMON! GET YOUR BITCH ASS IN HERE AND YELL AT ME! I CAN TAKE YELLING BUT I DONT WANT TO BE GIVEN ANGRY SAD LONELY JEALOUS GLARES FROM A DAMN EMO ANGEL-WANNABE!"
My best friend yelling in the house after feeling like she was being watched and feeling very unwelcome for no reason
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"Have you ever noticed that the only people who slap their own butts in public are strippers and people who think they forgot their wallet. That guy over their slapped his ass and nodded at his wife. So, yes, he has his wallet."
Me
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The difference between me and my twin brother.
We're driving together and see a guy walking his dog and we both stare.
Twin: "He was really cute."
Me: "I know. Such a good boy walking so nicely on a leash."
Twin: "I was talking about the guy. Though I'm sure he could walk on a leash nicely too."
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"Why does the coffee smell like tuna?"
-me, an intellectual who stayed up all night again
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"No. Don't. They fling their own shit. Don't give them an ounce of credit."
A student arguing that monkeys are not clean
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"I know I said we were going to have a quiz today but I wasn't feeling it. Get off my back. Jeez."
My math professor
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"Sometimes I wonder why people are staring at me. Then I remember I have cat paw mittens, piercings, bright red hair, and head phones with led cat ears on them."
-Me
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This is the face of someone who somehow ate all my animal crackers that were 3 feet away from her box for a reason
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Guy: *walking down the hall making bird sounds with his mouth and hands*
Custodian: "You drive me absolutely bat shit insane"
Guy: "Hahaha! ...........wait really?"
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Me: *at the play Rhinoceros at my college*
Botard: "Jurnalists are all liers! You can't trust the lot of them!"
The Journalism Teacher: *increasingly louder offended noises*
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Girl 1: "Can I borrow your shoes?"
Girl 2: "Sure if you have size 11 feet"
Girl 1: "I have size 9 but I'll make it work"
Girl 2: "stuff your shoes like you stuff your bra"
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"Love me some loose leaf meat tea."
My twin talking about chicken broth
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