00:36 14/05/18 Biggleswade

Coming up to 1 month, feels harder. I can feel myself slipping. You don’t have that comfort knowing there’s someone on the other end that loves you the most. My loins are aching for belonging and attention. I thought I was passed this. I can’t slip. Every night is a struggle. A hurdle to overcome. I can’t sleep. Battling with my own head to drown out the thoughts. I wanna fuck up my life. I want to drink so much vodka I can’t see. Please just reply and this burning feeling would fucking go away. I don’t want to go down the same path as last time. Why does no one fucking understand. Everyone expects me to be okay with this, well I’m fucking not and I feel so distant from the world. How the fuck am I supposed to focus on my exams and getting a fucking placement when I’m dealing with this on my shoulders and have to put on a brave face everyday? Why can’t he even grace me with fucking seeing me in person to reject me. All those years and not even fucking worth that. I need to cry a lot and scream and get so fucking drunk but I can’t and it’s killing me. I know I shouldn’t expect anyone to help me. I need to fix myself. I can’t revert to my fucking beggy ways of getting attention no matter how much I crave it. It’s not right and doesn’t give anyone the right ideas and just makes me feel worse. I’m so insecure it’s painful. I don’t know how to fucking fix myself right now, if I knew it I would’ve fucking done it last time and I wouldn’t have gone back but I’m here, again, alone

16/04/2018- 18:06pm

The End

08/11/2017- 3:23am

Beginning of the end

Business mind

My mother told me if you've been investing into a business for 6 years the worst thing you can do is give it away for free. It's important to get something back. Sell it. Don't let someone else reap the rewards of something that's bled you dry for years. Using the best parts of it is the only possible positive outcome.

I am unhappy

Fuck you

Let's turn your dream into reality, known as my reality. You feel that baby? Feel nice? I'll be feeling nice in approximately 30 minutes. My final exam is in 5 hours at 9am. You're a sick fuck. Don't smile too hard I'm my own best friend, I got you b

Doubt o'clock

I think I need to turn the mess in my head into nice flowing sentences so I feel more sane. My last exam of first year is in about 36 hours and I'm only halfway through the content. It's come to this because I got ill at the wrong time. My head feels cloudy. If my head was a room full of people- trying to intake information off a PowerPoint slide on macroeconomics is like trying to paint a realistic picture of someone on the other side of this room and everyone's vaping. It's foggy and I can't focus. I mean, things with us have felt better. In the last few days I feel like you've stopped saying you miss me because you really don't miss me anymore, you've overcome that point. You can live without me again. You're high maintenance. You can't just be happy for more than a few hours, even minutes. That's okay, I might not understand depression the best and I'm sorry for that. When we talk about future I get excited because every little girl dreams of getting married and being happy and waking up everyday to their love and coming home from work and kissing leaning against the kitchen table. However, its been brought to the forefront of my mind you are dreading the future and you'll never be completely happy. I don't even know how to explain what this feels like. Maybe like making a beautiful cake and decorating it lovingly for hours, giving it all the attention you have then being told you're not allowed to eat any of it. What am I working towards? Will it ever get better? Is this it? Not that it's not enough. It's like rubbing your clit feels good, but never reaching an orgasm. Hopefully just going back will help us rekindle the fire, you'll see how bright and sunny I am and it won't be a lonely summer. I'd be sad if you stopped liking me and I don't think I can do it again. It's stable But we need stardust, my love

Oh no

A rare occurrence to write at the time of 12.53pm but it is needed. I just realised I’m doing that thing where I start relying on others to cheer me up. You shouldn’t be dependent on others for your own happiness or you’ll never be fully satisfied or happy which is where I went so wrong. You need to find the solution within yourself. It’s like racing down a track (track representing a wrong mindset) and you need to be the trigger to change tracks and move in a positive direction. All in all I’ve been feeling fairly complete and satisfied for the most part. I’m just struggling to find the fire to revise for these exams. I do not care ! Maybe I should’ve picked a subject to study I actually like or care about but there’s always the fear that I’m not smart enough. I’ve had other things on my mind. The home situation is awful and I don’t know what the turning point will be or if it will keep downward spiralling. We are all in danger over something as pointless and selfish as drugs. My poor family that give so much but never see any returns in terms of the relationship bank account. You had a knife held to your sweet neck. Gone in an instant, life is so precious. I need you now, I feel complete, and if you go, I feel like there’s something missing like a walking half-completed jigsaw puzzle. I got too cocky today. I view us both together as almost sharing the workload but I need to get up to a healthy level on my own. Maybe I've started slacking recently because I know I have you. I want to make my parents proud. Prove to world (as always) and to myself more than anything that I'm of reasonable intelligence. I fucked it today. I NEED to take this is as fuel to start my engine for the rest of exam season and not as fuel to pour over my car and watch it burn in flames. It's my flatmates birthday today and she wants to have a sociable day. I currently just want to curl up in a ball and not go outside but I need to fucking pretend I'm happy and be energetic and fucking carry on tonight to try not fail the rest of my exams. Sorry for the cliché.

Open book

I know I should probably sleep because staying awake is just prolonging these thoughts that are negative spiralling. Currently the aesthetic of my mind looks like me throwing up in the street near Kings Cross station struggling to walk or speak. Hopefully writing will at least help me make sense and sweep up my sick into a more ordered mess. I don't feel great recently. I can guess some reasons why; I've not been exercising too much or eating well so physically I feel like a slob with no energy. I wake up and do nothing with each day, scrolling through pointless social media platforms wasting away my life always saying I'll wait until tomorrow to start something productive. I know you must relate. Typing then backspacing it because I literally am conflicting with what I'm saying going back and forth, undecided. Talking to someone all day every day can be nice, it's company and I don't crave attention from anyone or anything else, I'm satisfied. However, when I'm like this and you're like this it's an awful combination and it's like pouring gasoline over an already lit fire. Destructive and I'm burning out. It's like a mosquito that's stuck to my arm sucking out everything I have slowly. All my energy is fading but it's still there and it doesn't go away. I don't want to be an empty shell. It's like I'm constantly climbing up a well and just as I think I reach the top I find out there's still more to climb. I'll put off work to help you and by the end of my preach to you I'll be out of breath and on the floor needing a rest and you'll still feel shit but there's no way I can possibly focus on work now. I'm tired. I need a recharge. I miss face timing. Where's the electricity You caught me; modafinil is my guilty pleasure. You revealed why I like it so much too. Not feeling at full mental capacity is something that frustrates me every day and gets me down. Proving my intelligence to people is something I value highly even though I know I shouldn't probably care as much because I handle it so badly it's almost detrimental. To have enhanced cognitive ability for just a few hours feels great, I feel 'normal'- or how I imagine what my idea of normal is. It feels like you've been for a run every morning, sleeping well and eating healthily for the last six months and then try and do some work. I wish I could feel like this all the time. Tonight I fucked it. I got focused on helping you and couldn't detract these thoughts for hours. I need to fucking learn something because I honestly haven't concentrated on work since the January exams. It makes me sad I can only be slightly focused if I take a pill. I feel useless and each day is not even worth waking up for because I don't do anything worthwhile

Floating

Now the only guidance that I had is splattered on cement Any consistency I had in my life has vanished off the face of this earth like an extinct creature. I don't understand why people go when I've not done anything wrong? I get when you're mad at someone you'll be off with them. What did I do? I've lost you, and you and you. 3 rocks. The rocks that held me to the ground. I'm like a balloon floating away losing my mind slowly trying to grab anything on the way up to la la land. I know I was your best friend, we never needed to plaster it on social media for us both to know that. I've never hurt you, I've always been the only person you can trust. I loved being able to see you and not even have to talk and watch the same film on repeat and eat loads and cuddle. The new girl has hurt you, don't trust her. I've made effort to talk to you but I bet you've got it in your head I haven't and you're trying to replace me. I really don't want to lose you. You're one of the only people I can completely trust, and you've been there from the start, when we were kids. I need someone who isn't new. All I'm asking for is consistency. I've not done anything wrong, I know it. Stop calling her your best friend. You owe me don't forget that, think about where it came from, everything would be so different if it weren't for me, but you've forgotten oh so easily which is harsh considering what happened, like it's nothing. Like I'm that annoying cousin you dread coming round. I'm disappointed. I thought you'd be more appreciative. Every time I message I'm lucky to get two words out of you, if that, not even a reply most of the time. You do you I guess. I'm not sure why you thought I'd be fine to stand there capturing you both when that was me and you. Can only handle so much. Be considerate. She should be making a lot more effort too considering how much you meant to me and I gave you to her. Sors un peu de ta bulle. Then there's you, fucking hell. It hasn't sunk in yet. Why do I have to choose? You were my best friend here and I've never got to know someone so fast in my life and I love you to pieces and I'm devastated. I needed you. You know everything about me. I can't focus without being on something, and I certainly won't be able to fucking focus without you. I can't concentrate for more than a few seconds without my mind wandering off to places not on this planet. I'm trying to blank it and not let it sink in at the moment because it's the only way my brain will cope. And more substance abuse until I'm conked out for 14 hours. I'm a mess. You met me at a very strange time in my life. Please come back

I’m in a bad mood today. Understandable however on 3 hours sleep, with a sleeping pattern more disjointed than a poorly educated boys English essay. Not sure what has happened recently but everyone close to me in my life has started walking away from me in all different directions and I’m dazed and confused trying to map out the routes people have taken. I feel like I’m stranded in the desert walking around in circles aimlessly begging for help but no one is here to hear my voice. It’s like I’m walking to find something down a path in my brain that has a massive ‘no entry’ sign in front of it but that in itself was too much of a temptation. Forbidden fruit. The path is all overgrown and branches keep catching on my clothes and my skin and I’m walking like a drunk person trying to find a McDonald’s. I’m completely alone down here, I’m too far down this path to see where the entrance was. It’s dark and I’m confused and need some guidance, a light, anything.

I just want some consistency. Just someone in my life that won’t have mad mood swings with me for no fucking reason.

I drank half a bottle of vodka tonight

The only friend I can say is consistent is MYSELF like I have my own back, I promise I’m not losing it I won’t judge you. Why should I need to contact you every FUCKING day to be considered your friend, we should just be friends unless I do something to hurt you.

The new people in my life have fucked off and they’re the only people I can say shit to because if I talk to people back home there will be drama. You’ve fucked off to bigger tings and that already. Don’t judge me for wanting to be happy.

I’ve wasted time trying to have people. Just look out for yourself girl. Find happiness within yourself I got you

Sh

I've been quiet to everyone. I don't want to contaminate doing exactly what I want to do. So what if I'm being stupid, I'm done always doing the 'logical' way and being bored out my mind. Sometimes I want to let go and act with my feelings and emotions and see where it takes me. No drama from others; just me and you. Under my skin deep.

V alghlu xd mvrgd ru bev nl uolbhu v plbqm pgvut r atp plgmn otgt. Vu mvme'u attq gtrq. Vu atqu tqtfugvj. Llsn

Dechipher

"V jelp uoru xrd orit flxt laa rn sruglevnveh- vu prns'u xtreu ul. V cbnu jelp olp jvem dlb rgt rem olp dlb'qq hvit rem hvit beuvq dlb'it hlu eluoveh qtau ul hvit. V cbnu preutm ul gtxvem dlb uoru dlbg ettmn rgt irqvm rem vxslgureu rem ntflem ul elet. V mle't preu dlb ul tem bs txsud ytfrbnt la xt (lg redlet tqnt). Dlb'gt r plemtgabq stgnle. Uores dlb alg rqprdn ytveh jvem ul xt; xrjt nbgt dlb rgt jvem ul dlbgntqa ull. Qlit dlb" I know that may have come off as patronising- it wasn't meant to. I just know how kind you are and how you'll give and give until you've got nothing left to give. I just wanted to remind you that your needs are valid and important and second to none. I don't want you to end up empty because of me (or anyone else). You're a wonderful person. Thank you for always being kind to me; make sure you are kind to yourself too. Love you"

Its getting faster and faster I'm panicking I want to scream and run away from this I don't like this feeling How the fuck am I supposed to help you when I'm a mess When I try closing my eyes it burns and all I see is faces and they keep changing Replies are like an alarm to me Why did you stop Forming sentences is a struggle I'm sorry

Can't sleep over the sound of my heart beating