getsojaded - Tumblr blog

getsojaded · 1 year

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you don't go to parties iii | calum hood

a/n: I DID IT GUYS R U PROUD OF ME

i was in a bigggg writing funk before this and i’m glad i got it done. sorry for making u guys wait so terribly long for it. i love u

warnings: calum hood x she/her reader, lowercase intended, calum's a mess (slight alcohol tw) angst happy ending

—

calum ghosted himself from everybody since that encounter with him, y/n, and his bandmates.

the other three boys tried their absolute hardest to get a word out of him, making endless phone calls, sending texts every ten minutes, and they even tried knocking at his door. calum ignored all of them, and gradually, it all just stopped.

he didn't really know what to do with himself. he had been so used to an environment full of so many people around him, and now? only having, himself, his dog and a few guitars? this felt new to him.

he also hadn't touched a drop of alcohol since him and the boys' fight.

looking back at it, calum knows he might have not reacted in the best way possible. he was angry, he really was. seeing his ex-girlfriend leave michael's house with all three of his bestfriends there was almost the last thing he expected to see, and it took him aback. but he knows he had no right to start yelling at all of them.

he's tried reaching out. in calum's head, luke seems like he would be the easiest to talk to – they've known each other since they were sixteen ; they tell each other everything. so why couldn't calum just muster up some courage and call him? text him, even?

as he sits at his couch with his phone in his hands, he looks at the message he's typed out.

hey guys, i know this is kind of out of the blue but i wanted to say sorry to you guys in person. i did some really fucked up shit and i know you guys were just looking out for me. do you think we could all meet up?

he deletes it before laying on the couch and going to bed.

—

initially, calum's woken up by a ding!, indicating somebody's texted him. slightly suprised, but not awake enough to care, he ignores it and attempts to go back to sleep. that happens to be unsuccessful as his phone starts ringing.

sitting up from the couch slightly annoyed, he picks up the phone and rubs his eyes. "hello?" calum groans.

"calum?" a slurred voice rings through his ears, and that's all it takes for him to jump back into full consciousness. "calum! you answered!" y/n happily exclaims through the phone, and he already knows she's had something to drink.

"are you okay, y/n?" calum softly asks while he walks to his bedroom.

"i'm okay! i'm at the bar alone and i had a few shots, and i started thinking about you. the boys told me that they haven't heard from you in about a week or so, and i didn't contact you because i was scared i was gonna make it worse. but i was thinking about you and i got really worried, so i called you to make sure you're okay," y/n rambles, sighing as she finishes closing her tab, picking up her bag from the table and walking towards the exit.

"you're – you're alone?" calum asks, concern laced in his voice and his face although she can't see it. "yeah, i'm just about to leave. anyways, thanks for answering. i'm glad to hear you're okay-"

"y/n i swear to god if you end this phone call right now," calum sternly tells her in response, picking up his keys and making his way to his front door. "where are you?"

"you know where i am," y/n responds softly. "you have to know where i am."

calum stops in his tracks for a brief moment before fully understanding what she means by that.

"stay there, please. i'm on my way."

—

she's sitting on the side of the pavement, a cig in her hand while she waits for him to get there. she doesn't smoke very often, but when she does, she knows her emotions are taking over.

after y/n heard from michael that calum hasn't spoken to him or the other boys in over a week, she started to feel stressed out. was the slight fallout between all of them her fault? should she have hung out that one day with michael, and maybe everything would have been okay?

she's clouded in her own thoughts, a hand on her head while she takes the last hit of her cigarette before throwing it on the ground and putting it out with the heel of her shoe. headlights start to approach her, and from the car model, she already knows that it's calum.

she gets up and lightly brushes off her body before walking towards his car. calum quickly puts his car in park before rushing over to y/n and helping her into the passengers seat of the car.

"hi calum! good to see you." y/n tells him with a lazy smile on her face, looking up at him. the happy feeling is not reciprocated, as he looks at her with a nonchalant face and nodding to adress her.

he's back in the drivers seat, putting the car back in drive when she starts to speak up again. "are you mad at me?"y/n asks softly, playing with her fingers and not making eye contact.

"i'm not mad," calum starts. "i'm just, a little disappointed. you know better than to go out alone. you know that's not safe. i was just worried about you." he breathes out heavily, focusing on the road.

"that's not what i'm talking about, y/n responds, looking at him with a sad smile. "i'm asking if you're mad at me for seeing michael, luke and ashton. i'm asking you if you're mad at me for.. for leaving you."

"y/n, i don't know if we should be talking about this, at least right now we shouldn't..." calum trails off, closing his eyes for a split second.

"you can tell me the truth, cal. you can hate me."

he looks to his right, just to see her face for just a second, and she sees her looking at him with watery eyes and a small frown. she's on the verge of tears, and he can't let that happen.

taking his right hand off the wheel and reaching for her hand, he grabs it and intertwines it with his, his thumb rubbing against the base of her thumb.

"i don't, y/n. i don't hate you. don't think i ever could."

she nods silently, and the conversation comes to an end before calum reaches her house. he exits his side and opens y/n's car door to walk her to her front door.

“thanks for helping me get home,” y/n whispers to the boy helping her stand up while he takes out her keys from her purse. not saying anything, calum unlocks the door and walks the both of them inside, shutting it behind him and helping her take off her shoes.

she’s in her change of clothes and the two of them are sitting next to each other when calum asks, “why did you go to the bar tonight?” y/n’s still kind of out of it, and she can’t quite yet process the entirety of her situation. so while she’s sitting on the edge of her bed next to calum, she does what she feels is best — pour her heart out.

“i told you earlier, i’ve been thinking about you. i’m worried about you cal.. i have been even before you stopped talking to your best friends. i know how you’ve been acting, partying and all. and i guess… i guess like i feel that it’s my fault? i never gave you a chance? i just, i just kind of got up and left without telling you.. i shouldn’t have done that. and now, the first time we talk to each other in months is a result of me getting too drunk needing help… you hurt me a lot but i didn’t realize how much i hurt you.. and i’m sorry. it’s long overdue but, i’m really sorry. if i could go back and do it over again i would.”

calum’s glassy eyes meet her sad ones as she shoots him a small smile. “please don’t be mad at them,” she finishes, talking about luke, michael and ashton. “they love you so much, and they want what’s best for you. they’re worried about you, just like how i am.” she takes her hand and gently cups calum’s face, leaning her forehead against his.

“you did nothing wrong,” he breathes out, his voice shaky. “nothing was your fault, y/n. i promise.” he can’t have this conversation. not yet. not while the girl in front of him isn’t sober, and not while his thoughts aren’t collected properly. hell, y/n might not even remember this the next day.

“y/n, i have to go. i’ll text you tomorrow to ask how you’re feeling.” calum states, getting up from y/n’s bed and beginning to leave, but she stops him by grabbing his hand. “no, it’s late. i made you pick me up. the least i could do is let you stay here,” she pleads softly, holding her grip on his hand tighter. “please don’t go.”

and while calum knows he shouldn’t do it, he sighs and enters the bed in the empty space that drunk y/n made for him. he makes sure to leave a good amount of space between the two, even if it means he's on the verge of falling of the bed.

calum's doing everything in his power to what felt like for once, to do the right thing. he's hurt her one, two, three many times before and he feels like he's walking on eggshells in this moment.

his back is facing hers and yet he still can't sleep. he can't stop thinking of all the mistakes he's made and how much pain he's caused to the one girl he's only truly loved. he also thinks about his bandmates, his brothers. how could he have acted so recklessly towards them? he knows that he knows better, and yet he still didn't show it.

despite his better judgement, calum turns around to face y/n, out like a light. she looks comfortable – she looks at peace. calum subconsciously forms a small smile, and moves the few hairs out of her face.

and in this moment, he vowed to do better. be better. not only for her, but his bestfriends, and himself.

—

he’s surprised when he sees the caller id pop up on his phone. not only that, but he’s kind of scared as well. after not talking to him for what felt like the longest they’ve ever gone without doing such, how do you approach the conversation?

luke picks up calum’s call on the third ring. “hey, cal,” he begins. “luke, i know i have a lot to explain and i just wanted to say that i’m sorry. but i think it’s better if i come talk to you in person, do you think we could do that today?” calum asks.

“i’ll be at your place in ten minutes.” and with that, luke’s out the door.

—

“you look like you haven’t gotten any sleep.” luke states the second calum opens the door for him. “i haven’t. i also haven’t changed my clothes in 3 days,” he responds, gesturing to the black hoodie and grey sweatpants he has on.

the two take a seat on the couch across from each other before calum cuts right to the chase: “i stayed at y/n’s house last night.”

luke looks shocked when the words leave his mouth, “what? how? why?”

“she called me, and she was at the bar alone. she said she was just leaving and that she called me to tell me she was thinking of me, but i couldn’t just let her get home alone so i drove to her and dropped her off. and she was saying… she was saying how she feels like it’s her fault i acted the way i did after our breakup. and, that if she could ‘do it all over again’ she would. i tried telling her nothing is her fault, but i don’t know if she took it. then she asked me to stay the night, and i did,”

“what’s the matter, cal? why did you not want to talk to us? what’s going on?”

it’s evident that luke’s concerned, and it’s written all over his face. he looks almost scared ; scared for his best friend — his brother who he loves so much.

“luke, i don’t know,” calum’s voice breaks, looking at him. “i saw you guys with y/n and it just - i just raged. i’ve never felt so mad in my life and i can’t blame anyone for it but me. and then seeing y/n act the way i did - do, i realized that the stress and hurt i was feeling was something that you guys were feeling about me, if not even worse. i didn't realize that i was ruining my life. with all the parties i threw and went to, all the fucking alcohol, i saw it as my way only out. but it wasn’t. it changed me, and for the worse. i’m so sorry, luke. i’m so sorry to you, and ash, and mike. i’ll apologize for the rest of my life if that’s what it takes,” tears are running down the both of their faces as luke pulls him in for a hug.

“it’s okay, cal. it’s okay. we know you’re in a tough spot, and we’re here to help you. we were just worried. we all are.” luke reassures calum as he sobs into his arms.

"i need- i need to call ashton and michael. tell them i'm sorry. i need to-" "hey, hey, don't worry. i'll tell them to come here. it's okay cal, we'll all be okay. don't worry." luke cuts him off, pulling away and walking towards the kitchen.

"hey, i know it's kind of early, but somebody's here to see us. and it's important, so you might wanna get here fast."

within 15 minutes both boys opened luke's front door, to be greated by their teary eyed bandmate. they're already struggling to contain their emotions, and they all pull calum into a group hug. countless confessions, apologies, and tears are shared, and at the end of it, all four boys are certain of one thing:

that it's gonna be okay.

–

calum doesn't receive a call from y/n until the evening.

she's nervous, she's so fucking nervous; she could barely click his phone number. she's worried and embarassed and all around scared. she barely even knows what she's going to say to him.

"hello?"

"hi." she simpy responds, breathing in deeply. "sorry for not calling you sooner, i just finished my shift. and, thank you for helping me last night. i know it was out of your way."

"don't apologize, it's alright. and it was no problem, i'm just glad you ended up home safe."

there's silence on both ends before y/n speaks up again. "are you busy right now? do you think, do you- can i come over?"

"oh i- oh yeah totally, for sure." what the fuck. calum feels like a thirteen year old boy talking to his middle school crush for the first time with the way he's stumbling across his words.

"okay, see you." and y/n abruptly ends the phone call before rushing out of her house.

calum's sitting and fidgeting with his hands when y/n knocks on his door. slowly walking towards and opening it, he's greeted by the girl with a small smile on her face, wearing pyjamas and one of his old tour hoodies. "hi."

"hi, come in," he holds the door for her and she walks inside, kicking off her shoes, then following calum into the kitchen where he's grabbing two glasses. "want a drink?" he asks, her nodding in response before filling the glasses with water.

"i know you're probably wondering why i asked to come over," she starts, taking a big gulp from her glass. "and honestly, i'm kind of, uh, scared. nervous. but i know we needed to talk, about a lot of things. about us. about, everything really. and, i don't know if i'll ever be brave enough to say this again."

calum can almost feel the nerves radiating from y/n. to calm her down, he walks towards her and takes a seat next to her on the island, lightly placing his hand on top of hers before gesturing her to continue.

"i.. i know i shouldn't have left the way i did. i left you with nothing. no note, no 'goodbye', no anything. and i've regretted it ever since." she confesses, closing her eyes.

calum turns to face y/n, sadness planted on his face. "i understand why you did. i fucked up, beyond compare.. and, you did what you felt was best." this was gonna be a hard conversation to have. "yesterday.. you said, that if you could do it all over again, you would have. what do you mean by that? our relationship? or?"

"no, i meant, the end of it. we didn't even have a breakup – i just took my shit and left. i should've given you a chance to explain, have a fucking conversation like adults and instead i just, i was a coward! i just fucking left you. how could i have done that?!" y/n's visibly starting to get upset, tears forming from her eyes as she tries to continue. "and then i kept hearing what you were doing, and i couldn't help but feel like i'm the one to blame for that. maybe things would have gone better if i just, let you say something, anything to me. but i didn't. and for that, i am so, so sorry. i'll never be able to apologize enough for that."

calum's about to speak up, to tell her that nothing was her fault, that she shouldn't have to apologize, but she keeps going. "and then, at michael's house. i never meant to hurt you. they were just, looking out for you and they wanted me to try and help you. when you came over and i saw the look on your face, i-i felt even more guilty, and then.. and then mike told me you went m.i.a on them, and i just - it's all my fucking fault, isn't it cal?"

y/n's in hysterics by the end of her sentence, and calum can't stand to see the sight of her in pain because of him again. he pulls her into his arms, stroking her hair while he whispers everything from no, no it's not to it's okay.

"it's not your fault, i promise, y/n, it's not," he tries to reassure her. "we both made a mistake. everything i did.. the way i acted, it's on me," calum whispers, holding her tighter, hoping that would help take all her pain away.

"i'm sorry i never realized i was leaving you behind. you're the most important person to me, and the one thing i thought i'd never do was hurt you. but that's exactly what i did. and for that.. i'm not sure i'll ever forgive myself. i lost the one thing i thought that i would have for the rest of my life, and there's nobody to blame for that but myself. not you. it was never you." calum confesses, his throat tightening up as he prepares to cry for what felt like the hundreth time that day.

she pulls away slightly, her broken, tear-stained eyes facing his soft brown ones. "i care, so fucking much about you. and knowing you were upset, and turning to alcohol, i just... i love you calum, okay? i'm not sure i'll ever feel the same way about anyone the way i did with you. i've been so fucking scared because i can't stand the thought of anything bad happening to you and i, i'm sorry cal. i'm sorry i wasn't there for you."

"no, y/n, please stop apologizing. i'm sorry that i wasn't there for you."

the pair let their emotions get the best of them, holding each other as fucking tight as they possibly could while sobs come out from the both of them. there was so many things left unsaid, and letting it all out – they both needed this. they needed each other.

calum thought that he'd never wound up in this position - doing everything in his power to reassure y/n that it's not her fault.

“i’m going to do better, okay y/n?” he quietly says to her, slightly pulling away from the embrace, taking her hand and intertwining it with hers. “i’m done with this shit, i promise. it’s not good for me - it never was. and i’m so sorry. for leaving you in the dust, and for making you worry. it’s not happening again. never again.” calum places a soft kiss to her hand while y/n wipes away her tears with her free hand. she nods in response, closing her eyes and leaning into his shoulder. she’s exhausted, but she’s happy they had the conversation. yeah, it might have resulted in choked sobs bouncing off every wall in the house, but’s it off her chest. it’s off his chest too. they’ve said everything they need to say.

“thank you, for, hearing me out. thank you for your apology, and thank you for.. everything.” y/n says to him, placing a small kiss on his cheek, before beginning to walk towards the door, and calum grabs her wrist lightly to stop her. “wait, you’re going?”

“yeah, what else would i do?”

calum’s so scared to ask this question, and he doesn’t know what answer to expect from her. but if he lets her walk out that door, he’s not sure if he’ll ever get the chance to ask her again.

“where does this leave us?”

“i don’t.. i don’t know,” she replies, as calum grabs her waist. “where do you want it to be?”

“i want it to be you and i.” he confesses. “what about you?”

“i’ve always wanted it to be you and i.” smiles creep up on both their faces, and y/n lets out a sigh. “but, things have changed and, and, i can’t just pretend like the past didn’t happen..” she trails off, a frown forming on her face.

she can leave again. she can leave, and he won’t be upset. but, calum has a chance at making everything right. with his friends, and with her. and quite frankly, y/n knows in her heart, she doesn’t want to leave either.

“sleep on it. stay the night with me. in the morning, if you don’t feel right about this, you can leave and i’ll forever be thankful we had this talk. if we hadn’t, who knows how’d i continue to act. and if you feel even the slightest bit right about this, i promise, i will never let myself hurt you again.”

as y/n looks into calum’s brown eyes, she sees a glimpse of hope lingering in them. and for once, she feels the hope between the two of them as well. relationships are bound to go through rough patches, and it’s safe to say that the two of them didn’t handle them in the best way. she knows calum. and when calum hood is determined to fix something, anything, he’ll do everything in his power to fix it.

so she grabs his hand and the two of them make their way upstairs, climbing into bed and falling asleep almost instantly.

and when calum wakes up to the girl he loves playing with his hair and kissing his forehead, he smiles, and makes another promise to himself: to never let her think she’s anything less than a stupid party.

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getsojaded · 1 year

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i was so determined to upload ydgtp part 3 within the next hour or so but tumblr didn't fucking save my progress i could k m s rn

pls bear with me i'm almost done im getting this up asap LOL

#tumblr wtf #5sos imagine #calum hood imagine

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getsojaded · 1 year

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almost done. hoping to try and get it up by wednesday the earliest!

thank u for being patient w me, i know i’ve been inconsistent on posting these but i’m doing my best to get better at it!

#5 seconds of summer #5 seconds of summer imagine #5sos imagine #ashton irwin #ashton irwin imagine #calum hood #calum hood imagine #michael clifford #michael clifford imagine #5sos #getsojaded

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getsojaded · 1 year

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𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐀𝐑𝐄 — 𝐉𝐉 𝐌𝐀𝐘𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐊.

summary ; after being rescued, emotions are high when jj finally comes to terms with what had happened between him and y/n on the island.

pairing ; jj maybank x fem!reader

notes ; ANGST, possible profanities, eventual fluff. SEASON 3 SPOILERS !! let me know if i missed any !!

i do not consent to having any of my works transferred, translated or copied to any other blog or social media. if you do so, it's stealing, and that's not cute!!

links ; main masterlist , jj maybank masterlist , taglist form

nobody in the entire world had ever made you feel so unapologetically yourself as jj maybank did. from the moment you met him, you knew he would become a constant in your life. just talking to him felt as easy as breathing – it was comfortable and warm, and he made you feel seen – because jj made everything feel easy with you.

and yet, as you stood on the lawn outside his house, you had never been so afraid of doing just that as you did now.

ever since you got back from the island that jj had dubbed ‘poguelandia’, things had been significantly different, like, something had shifted the dynamic among the group. john b was acting weird, sarah was nowhere to be found, kie and pope were on lockdown, cleo with him, and jj… well, jj had been distancing himself, but specifically from you.

it all felt so wrong. you were pogues, you were meant to have each other's backs through everything, so why did you all feel so disconnected?

with each and every step you take, your nerves only seem to intensify, knowing that you were only a few seconds away from seeing jj. making your way around the bend of the house, you're immediately taken when you catch sight of the yellow tape and eviction notice stuck to the front door.

do the other’s know about this? you think to yourself. is this why he’s been so closed off from the rest of us?

you all knew that it was going to be the hardest for jj to come back to kildare. he had no one to welcome him back or tell him how worried they were, and now his home was being taken away. it hurt your heart to know how much he was dealing with, and there was very little you could do to help ease the burden.

sure, he may not like the place as much anymore, but it was all he had left after luke bailed on him. everything other than the pogues, everything other than you - which, at the moment, you weren't so sure about either.

you hear him before you see him, the sound of metal clanging together followed by an array of curse words filling the air, and your heart sinks as you turn to see him over by the marsh, working on his bike. he looked so peaceful, despite the swearing, and in his element, unaware of your presence and the fact that you were only a measly fifteen steps behind him.

had you not already seen the eviction notice, you would've been arguing with yourself to leave, but there was no way you could do that now. you were there to check on jj, and if anything, he was going to need you now more than ever.

a lot had happened on the island, and so many memories had been made – ones that you would cherish forever, while others you wished you could forget altogether – but you never once imagined how different things with jj would be now.

as you slowly approach the blond, you try to think of something to say to break the ice but come up short when you eventually reach him, deciding on, “do you need a hand?”, instead.

jj takes a quick look at you before returning his attention to his bike, “what are you doing here?” he asks in a way that makes you believe he doesn't want you there.

the bluntness of it catches you off guard, immediately setting off a panic inside you, and you fumble over your words for a moment before settling on what to say next. though you were sure from the way he looked at you, that he didn't really care.

"well, we haven't really spoken since we got back and i just... i wanted to make sure that you were okay," you lift your shoulders into a small shrug, hands fiddling with the hem of your shirt as you offer him a friendly smile - a smile that's fast to fade when he finally turns to look at you properly.

“i’m fine,” is all he says.

you thought that after spending an entire month together, he would know better than to lie to you. you could tell that he wasn’t fine, that something had severely changed in jj. the light that once filled his eyes while you were on the island, spending your days in the sun catching fish, going for late-night swims and making coconut bras, had surely vanished. replaced by dark circles that encapsulated his eyes, proving that he hadn't been getting much sleep either.

“are you sure? because i just-”

“i’m fine,” he repeats, cutting you off in the process. “in fact, i’ve never been better.”

you gesture back to the house where the front door was covered in police tape. “what’s going on, j?”

this time when he speaks, he purses his lips with what you can only assume to be irritation as he continues sifting through his tools again, “i said i’m fine, y/n. just leave it.”

you don’t push him any further, knowing just how stubborn the maybank boy was. he wouldn’t let someone help him unless he was tied down and forced to. jj hated handouts, he hated feeling like he owed someone, so he preferred to do things via his own methods.

“okay. i’ll get out of your hair then,” you nod, burying your hands into your pockets now. “just let me know if there’s anything i can do.”

if he hears your words, he doesn’t bother to show or acknowledge it, too busy tinkering with his bike to pay you any mind. though, you don’t make it very far, only a couple of steps, before he’s opening his mouth to speak once more.

“haven’t you already done enough?” he mutters, scoffing as though he couldn’t believe the audacity of you wanting to help him.

a mix of emotions floods over you as you take in his words, the comment setting a pang off in your chest, and you turn back to him with disbelief, “what’s that supposed to mean?”

there was a bitterness to his words that lets you know his attitude towards you was about so much more than just wanting to know if he was okay. he spoke as if he was blaming you for something, and there was only one thing you knew it could’ve been.

one thing that you knew jj would be willing to use against you.

the cool night air nipped at your skin as you and jj lay on the sand, heads resting in your arms, as you stared up at the starry night sky. you didn’t think you would ever get used to this – sharing such a serene moment with jj – but it had quickly become a nightly ritual in your new island life. if you weren’t watching the stars, you were sitting by the fire, or on nights when the water was still a little warm, you’d be sneaking in a late-night swim.

“would you stay here forever if you could?” the question comes from him so abruptly. “i mean, if you had the option to go back to the obx or stay here, what would you choose?”

“it depends, am i staying here alone or are you guys here with me?” you roll onto your side, resting your head in the palm of your hand as your view changes from the night sky to the blond who seemed to hold the entire galaxy in his eyes.

jj chuckles to himself, “we’d be right here with you, always.” he scrunches his nose at the end, though it feels like there’s a secret weight to the question you don’t know about.

“go back, obviously,” you roll your eyes, watching as jj’s face contorts into an expression of faux sadness, and you playfully tap him on the shoulder, before sitting up, “i’m kidding. i’d choose to stay. if it’s where you’ll be, then so am i.”

a small silence ensues as jj thinks over your answer, and just as you had predicted, there was more to the question than he was letting on. he didn’t care so much about whether you would go or stay, he cared about whether or not you would leave him.

“what about you? if i were back in kildare, would you stay, or would you come back?” you twist his question.

his brows meet in the middle as he sits up to join you, and he pouts his lips as he pretends to be thinking really hard about it, “i’d go… wherever you are.”

“yeah?”

“yeah,” he nods, sharing a look that seemed to only be reserved for you. his eyes dancing over your features and his lip tugs up into a smirk, “after all, what’s paradise if you can’t share it with the people you love?”

you knew he didn’t mean it the way you wanted him to, but hearing him say it, and hearing him say that he would follow you back, ignited a feeling in your tummy that no one else ever had before. there was something about the way he spoke with you as if nothing else in the world mattered, and with the way the moon and the stars were shining down on him, you couldn’t help yourself.

you lean forward, but where you expected him to pull away, he meets you in the middle. there’s an urgency to the kiss, like, he had been waiting for it just as long as you had, and the second your lips touch, you feel sparks exploding inside your chest.

if anywhere in the world is worthy of being called ‘paradise’, you think, it must be this moment right here.

he tries to deepen the kiss, pushing into you more, but before he can pull you closer, pope’s voice calling out to you both causes you to pull apart, and you’re left breathless. your chest rises and falls dramatically as you try to regain your breath, while jj coins his fingers through his hair.

“we, uh, we should probably go,” jj swallows hard, but something in him has changed. he refuses to meet your eyes, refuses to show you any sort of emotion. he doesn’t even wait for you to answer before he’s dusting off the back of his pants and heading back to the group, leaving you bewildered by what had just happened.

“wait, jj,” you follow after him, but he doesn’t bother to stop, his mind solely on getting back to the others. “jj, stop, can we just-”

“no, y/n. we can’t… we can’t be doing shit like that,” he looks disappointed as he stops dead in his tracks. “just… it never happened, okay?”

that was your last night on poguelandia and had you known it would be the last, you certainly wouldn’t have let it end the way that it did. you had tried to talk to jj the next morning, but with the events that followed over the next few days, your mind had been elsewhere.

it was hard trying to get used to being back home, to not waking up with your friends, but eventually, the kiss with jj was all that you could think about; consuming your every thought.

it’s jj’s voice that cuts you from your thoughts, filling you with the same guilt that had been riddling you for the past week or so, “look, i really don’t have time for this.”

“just like you don’t have time for me anymore?” you retort, earning yourself a pointed look from the blond. you didn’t mean for it to sound so harsh, but it was the truth.

he snickers, dropping the tool in his hand on the table, before leaning against it, “no. it means, i don’t have time for this. look, you don’t need to worry about me anymore, okay? just… go, y/n. go back to your family, and your home, and let me be.”

the sound of your heart thrumming rapidly in your chest fills your ears as tears prick at the corners of your eyes. this wasn’t the jj you had spent the last month with, he was rigid and cold, and there was a look in his eyes – a twinge in his gaze as he looked at you – that made you believe that this was all your fault.

jj had never been so ruthless with you before, and seeing your best friend in such a way had you sick to your stomach.

“where is all of this coming from, j?” your voice is shaky, and yet, the only answer you’re met with is silence as your biggest fear manifests before your eyes.

you felt so small – small enough that you hoped the world would open up and swallow you whole – while jj busied himself with his tools once again, moving on as if he didn’t have a care in the world. like, everything that had happened that night, and everything he had said, was because of you. as if he hadn’t played a part in it too.

deciding that you weren’t going to take all the blame for this, you walk to the other side of the table so that he has no choice but to look at you, “you can’t just shut me out like this, okay? you’re my best fucking friend, j, and i’m not going to let you push me away.”

for a split second, jj closes his eyes as his head falls between his shoulders. you wondered what was going through his head, if he even cared about how you were feeling, or if he was just thinking of a way to get rid of you. but the words that leave his lips aren’t what you were expecting at all.

“please… just go home, y/n.” he lets out an exasperated sigh, but when he sees the determined look in your eyes, he knows that you’re not going anywhere. so he takes matters into his own hands and starts to walk away.

“jj, please stop. if i could take it all back, i would. i would take it all back in a heartbeat, but i can’t,” you feel a weird sense of deja vu as you follow behind him desperately, much like you had that night on the island. “i see the way you look at me, how much you resent me for it, okay? i see it. and i’m sorry. i’m sorry that i ruined everything.”

there’s a falter in jj’s movements as he hears the last bit, knowing damn well what it felt like to be the reckoning of all chaos in your own life; to continue down a path that he knows he shouldn’t, but does anyway.

jj looks sad as he slowly turns back around to you, clearly regretting how he had reacted to everything. he starts toying with his fingers, anxiety and worry written all over his face.

“y’know, i keep trying to tell myself that what happened between us meant nothing, that it shouldn’t have happened,” he pauses, heaving a deep breath. his movements become jittery, one hand slightly balled as the other clenches at the air. “but no matter how hard i try, i can’t stop thinking about it and about how badly i wanted it to happen.”

“so why do you keep pushing me away?”

“because it was wrong, and i knew that it was wrong but i still did it anyway.”

“was it wrong because we’re pogues or was it wrong because it was me?” your question lingers in the air for a moment, the silence almost torturous.

all that could be heard was the gentle rise and fall of the waves in the distance.

jj opens his mouth to speak, but he closes it before he does, giving you the answer you needed. you had tried to brace yourself for his answer, but nothing could possibly have prepared you for the hurt you were now feeling.

“got it,” you nod, drawing in your bottom lip and clamping your teeth down to hold back the tears that were begging to see the daylight.

you knew that being a pogue was important to jj – you were the only family he had – so much so that he would end a friendship over it. you knew that there was no getting through to him now, and after everything you’d heard, you didn’t want to stick around any longer.

turning around, you bury your hands into your pockets and start to walk away, not caring about holding back the tears anymore as they slowly start to roll down your face. your vision blurring and eyes glazing over as you trudge across the overgrown grass.

“it was wrong because we’re pogues,” jj’s voice causes you to turn back. “and being a pogue means that we stick together, but i can’t… i can’t lose anyone else, y/n. especially not you.”

confused, you take a step back in his direction, wiping away at the few tears that had fallen, “jj, i’m not going anywhere. you know that, you know -”

“-no, i’m dead serious. i’m not going to risk losing you or fucking this shit up like i do everything else. i won’t do it,” he grits his teeth, hands reaching behind his head before falling back to his sides out of frustration. “and i don’t know why everyone leaves me, but they do – maybe i’m cursed or something – but i sure as hell am not going to let that happen with you.”

“that’s not going to happen, jj.”

“you don’t…” he pauses, a pained expression on his face before it softens. “...you don’t know that.”

you could see that he was in just as much pain as you were over this, his baby-blue eyes glazing over with a mixture of fear and despair. you take another step towards him and, at first, he moves to take one back but stops when you reach for his hand.

“do you remember what you said to me that night? about staying on the island?” he nods. "you said you'd go..."

"... wherever you are." he heaves a deep breath.

"i meant what i said, j, and i know that you meant it too," you move closer, close enough that you could feel the warmth of his body suffusing through him. "and i mean it when i say i'm not going anywhere."

“you promise?” he feels almost stupid for asking it, but he was craving the reassurance.

and you give it to him, “i promise.”

with delicate movements, he lifts your hands to rest against his chest, his eyes not daring to leave your gaze for even a second. he gives you a warm smile, and you smile back, the pad of his thumb rolling over your knuckles before he drops them to caress the sides of your cheeks.

a seed of fear had awoken in your tummy, but when he raises his brows at you, you know that he was certain about what he was doing. you nod, giving him approval and he meets your lips as everything you had been holding back erupts into a long, passionate kiss. jj’s hands move to the back of your head where he pulls you in closer.

this kiss was nothing like the one you shared on the island, it was full of promise. a promise to each other, that no matter what was to happen between you both, you would never leave the other because you were pogues for life, and pogues stuck together.

#fire #straight fucking fire #jj maybank #outer banks #obx #jj maybank fic

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