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gachagon · 4 days

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I landed an interview for a grocery store literally the next day I applied, but my parents don't want to drive me because it's "too far" (it's LITERALLY a 10 minute drive) so now I have to I guess just not show up for the interview or whatever.

#we only have 1 car #my parents won't let me drive myself #they dont trust me with the car yet which is ridiculous imo

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gachagon · 5 days

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I am not even sure why i am feeling so awful today since yesterday was literally perfect. I managed to make everyone in my life happy all at once. I got my sister the birthday present she wanted, we were able to get her friends to come visit, the big present I ordered wasn't a scam at all and was completely legit. Everything went totally my way, and yet now the very next day I am feeling like I didn't deserve to feel happy at all that day.

Like a "Why are you so happy you haven't actually done anything important at all recently, none of this stuff is really important" feeling that keeps following me the whole day. And I think that's also kind of selfish of me to say that making my family happy isn't important at all because of insert various reasons but at the same time I also think that I haven't been able to personally accomplish any of the big goals I had in mind like finishing school or having a degree or even a stable job are all selfish of me.

I feel constant nausea just typing this like I want to vomit or something and I have no idea what the problem is or why I'm even thinking of all this stuff.

#vent post #tw anxiety

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gachagon · 5 days

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After having an awful anxiety spiral, I decided to talk more with my teacher about my missing assignments. There isn't much I can do save for just turn in what I have or try and complete the assignments. I didn't feel like explaining my mental health issues to my teacher because I felt like it would come off as me trying to excuse my behavior or that I was lying about it or something.

I have until may 5th to just try and complete everything, which isn't nearly enough time to get everything perfect. But it's enough time to at least try and turn anything in at all. I am so bad at this class and I haven't been able to make good art pieces like everyone else, I feel inadequate and like I am wasting time even trying to make a project.

I look at the other students work and I cringe at all of my attempts, because my work doesn't look like there's and I have no idea what the problem is. I have decided that it'd be better to just turn in what I can and hope for the best, to at least not have any missing assignments anymore. I have heard that turning in anything is better than not turning anything in at all.

I hope that's true. I haven't really been able to think about school positively ever in my entire life, and the idea of it makes me want to hurl my lunch up ten times over. I'm only going to school because I feel like if I'm not doing something worthwhile than I am again wasting someone's time. That's the best way I can describe the feeling. It's like I am not meeting the expectations of some mysterious unknown person or entity who is constantly judging everything I do.

I am trying to come up with "thing's to do" that please this unknown person constantly whispering in my ear. I went to school, I tried teaching kids in my own neighborhood so I could at least pretend to be a teacher, and I tried doing my assignments to at least pretend to be a dutiful student. But I really don't feel like any of those things at all, even when I am able to achieve a really great thing, my mood is just dampened immediately because I think I am just pretending and not actually good at it.

#vent post #tw anxiety

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gachagon · 5 days

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I feel as if my anxiety has just worsened over the years and that I've just been coping the entire time by pretending none of it bothers me. And yet i literally cannot go anywhere alone without the thought that people are judging me or staring at me or thinking about me. If I am not with someone else who I have tethered myself to like my family, then I get this disgusting pit in my stomach the entire day telling me that everyone around me must secretly be thinking the worst of me or that I am some absolutely abhorrent and lazy person.

I truly don't know how to fix this and I feel too cowardly to talk about this with my family because I hate feeling this way randomly. Even when I have a good day, before I go to sleep I have this awful thought of "You only managed because you were leeching off *insert family member* the entire time instead of being normal and being able to go through life by yourself without the support of other people."

It makes me feel like I'm some kind of burden, like I should already be incredibly hyper independent and someone who should be able to care for themself in every single way. It completely ruins any good mood I am in.

#tw anxiety #anxiety problems #anxiety disorder #vent post

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gachagon · 5 days

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I'm actually struggling right now with school. I feel like every time I fail a class I am just wasting someones time, even though I know the only time I'm wasting is my own. I have absolutely no idea why I am like this, or what my problem is, some days I feel like I can't even get out of bed to do anything other than just roll over and try and sleep more.

I am so sick of having to repeat the classes and I keep getting put on academic probation because I can't complete any of my assignments, even though I can't force myself to just try and do it. And when I finally reach the deadline I can't even force myself to act then, it's like I am just stalled in place thinking about all of the other times I could've done the work even though I have no idea why I never did it in the first place.

And it's not like I'm not taking classes about a subject I find boring, I am totally fine with it, but I just can't be forced to move and I am so scared I'll never achieve anything in life if I keep up with this. It is like I am perpetually waiting for some grave consequence to rear it's ugly head, but I know nothing will really happen to me. Even still, the anxiety literally eats away at me and I can't make myself move to fix it at all.

And I have talked to my family about it, but there's only so much a few nice words of encouragement can give me you know. Even though I've been told a thousand times that there's no rush and that I have no reason to fear and that nobody will be disappointed in me if I fail, the fear of failing still haunts me anyways.

#tw anxiety #anxiety depression #vent post

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gachagon · 6 days

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Today was my sisters birthday so we went to The Color Factory! Which is like this immersive art place where each room is a different interactive exhibit that features a color. It was pretty fun over all, and I really enjoyed myself! The first room was a confetti room which was super fun. You could lay down and throw confetti everywhere.

I took a lot of photos of just kicking the confetti with my shoes. And there were some fake plastic flowers but I'm not sure what they added to exhibit other than just looking kind of pretty.

We also had to enter through this long multicolored corridor which was pretty trippy I took a lot of photos of my sister and her friends. This experience while colorful was also kind of dark because a lot of the rooms are either just pitch black or incredibly dimly lit so that you can focus on one singular color.

Side note it looks like we're walking in a bright orange haze in this photo and tbh that's what it felt like as well. After this room was one of my favorite rooms, the "Silent Dancing" room. It was also very purple and pretty cool to just hang out and take photos.

There was a disco floor which reflected all the disco balls above us and because of the neon purple lighting it really just made a cool effect on the ground. I really liked the way my outfit looked in this room lol so I took a lot of photos of myself and my sister.

There was a pink room but imo it was the most disappointing since you put these glasses on to make the whole room look pink (it's like looking through "rose colored glasses" essentially) but it's not the lightest pink color and is very reminiscent of shrimp or flamingos. So I didn't take a lot of photos here.

Lastly, we went into this ballpit and oh my lord I feared for my life several times while I was in that ballpit. I thought I would meet god on the bottom of a carpeted art house ball pool, but luckily my sister was there to pull me out (she was taller then me) for fear of losing my phone I didn't take it with me while I was in there. But even this image alone shows how terrifying and liminal it was. I did have a lot of phone in it however!

All in all, a wonderful experience. If there is a color factory near you, perhaps you should also go give it a visit I enjoyed myself. My only gripe is that it's expensive to get in there, and then all of the gift shop stuff is super expensive for no reason (20 dollars for a little truck with a cupcake ontop of it and 30 for a kids t-shirt???? no thanks) I brought some snacks anyways and they gave us snacks while we explored the Color factory.

However, a lot of the snacks were just plain nasty tasting. I brought a 5 dollar soda that was supposed to taste like "coconut" that was really like drinking a bottle of perfume. They gave us Macarons at the start of the exhibit, and they were also nasty. Imagine biting into a bar of fragrant strawberry scented soap. That's what it tasted like.

The only really tasty food that the Color factory had was their chocolate bar I got the salted caramel which is true to its name. It was very delicious and even my dad kept going back for more lol. And their Saltwater taffy which had different flavors. I had chocolate, vanilla, caramel, and some other fruity flavors that were super good (i had to chew a lot though.)

And at the end of the exhibit they gave everyone a little ice cream. You could pick between two flavors "Lavender or Deep Space" (they're both coconut flavored but one has a fruity taste and the other is a chocolatey one).

The lavender ice cream was the best thing I had there. Too bad it was small and tiny and not something I could just buy a regular cone of :(

#non bllk #gachagonlife

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gachagon · 7 days

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yeahhhh i knew it was canned ages ago once they picked up a bunch of other bigger projects right after, and when they got their hands on AOT I knew then that movie was never gonna see the light of day. It sucks, but tbh I don't think this is the result of Mappa being "lazy" or just not caring about yoi it's just the unfortunate circumstances of a talented studio having way too much on their plate.

It sucks but wonderful projects like this always fall through the cracks in a bunch of other studios as well. There's still a SLIGHT chance that this movie ever gets made years later, but that's only if Mappa just gives the rights to the project to someone else. And 2024 has been the year of Anime studios finishing old projects (Black Butler, Blue Exorcist, Fairy Tail etc) so I definitely don't think it's a completely forgotten thing.

We could very well see this movie sometime in the far future, just not by Mappa studios.

I'm sorry but we non yoi watchers knew the movie was bound to get canceled right? It sucks to hear an anime stop all production but this is mappa here.

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gachagon · 8 days

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Dynamic Reflections my favorite mod bc look at how pretty it makes everything

#stardew valley

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gachagon · 14 days

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I have so many clothes and yet my mom doesn't believe that I could possibly run out of space lol. I'm gonna start hanging up my pajamas at this rate

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gachagon · 14 days

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I've been seeing a lot of people try and defend the LED screen at coachella and miku expo but there's really no excuse other than crypton and crunchyroll being really cheap about this and not caring how she was set up.

Magical Mirai looked great and that was just a few months ago, and yes I am aware that they have shown the LED screen before at other japanese concerts. But the whole thing just looked so T_T...

the music and band were great, and her animations were incredibly fluid I liked all of the models they used. But the LED screen either has gotta go or they need to just stop backlighting it like that. It just makes everything look really...bad.

#hatsune miku #coachella #i liked hearing wowaka and utsu p tho that was sick

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gachagon · 14 days

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