Hey Crow. I worry this might be my last letter to you. If this is the first you read, I implore you to start from the very beginning, and meet me back here. Today, one of our mutual friends told me you'd been let go. And that you'd started on those magic little pills.

I am destroyed, for you. I ache. I was hoping it would be more difficult for you to get to this point. I was hoping there would be more time for you to think about what your doing. You are doing things that you wouldn't do. Our friend told me something else comes to work in your place. That you aren't there anymore. I saw the light leave your eyes, the last time I held on to you. The last time I kissed you. The last time I had hope for us.

I am so many things. Angry that you will seek medical help for this but not your adhd. Upset that I couldn't say anything that you would hear, that you wouldn't trust me when I told you this isn't where you want to be. Confused by those that are standing around you telling you this is a good idea. Broken by your absence. I'm drowning in grief over you. I think, maybe you died that day. I think maybe part of me did too.

But Aba, is a good father. So with your hand in his, he will lead you back to where you need to be. Maybe thats not with me. Maybe thats just with him. But that would be more than enough.

It has been 79 days since I lost my love.

Be well.

Goodbye, for now.

I haven't stopped loving you.

Hey Crow.

I miss you.

Music doesn't sound the same. I hate that every song makes me think of you. There are tons I wish I could show you. Sometimes I just wish we were laying on the floor of your apartment listening to music, not talking. I just want to lay my head next to yours.

I miss you. I lose days at a time. I thought this was getting better, easier. It isn't. I am just losing. You. Myself. Time. The joy I got from music.

I miss you.

Goodnight, prince. Rest well. I hope you're okay, wherever you are.

We spoke a bit today. It wasn't anything ground breaking. Might as well have been elevator small talk. It has been 67 days since we parted ways. You mentioned moving. I can't help but picture you moving in with the girl you've fallen for. I am so scared for you. I am terrified of your constitution not being enough when she breaks your heart. It's all in my head, it's not even happening. But the pain I have for you is like a dull ache with a sharp point. Occasionally it digs into me, brings tears to my eyes. But most of the time it's just like dragging around a box of rocks. And I don't mind the rocks. I've had them a long time, some of them are nice to look at. But they don't offer me any relief should I make an attempt at escaping the sharpness.

I've made some stupid decisions since we split. A lot, actually. You were my motivation to be better, and now that you have cast me aside I just. I guess I don't really care as much. I've become impulsive. I got drunk a few days ago. I still don't enjoy being drunk, but it's better than the ache sometimes. Don't worry, I'm not going to start going on benders and shit. I just. Need any kind of escape. Everything fell apart when I lost you. I still haven't even found all the pieces yet.

God Crow,

I miss you something awful right now.

It's been 53 days since we parted ways. And all I can think about is the shape of your hands. Or the fact you never held mine like a normal person, always had your thumb all tucked away. Or the way you scratched my neck while i was driving. Or how they were never cold.

I miss your hands. I miss your face. I miss your smile. I miss you. I miss kissing you, sweetly, desperately, like i needed it to stay alive.

I miss your hands on my cheek, I miss how you used to look at me like I was the brightest thing you ever saw.

I miss you calling me "my light." I miss your gentleness. Your patience. God I just

this is so hard Crow. This is so fucking hard.

Hey Crow. I'm doing better than when I last posted, like 16 hours ago I think. It's been 51 days since we parted ways.

When I found out that you'd moved on to someone new, I can't say I was surprised. Because the funny thing about being together for 4 years, you get to know people, and their mannerisms. So I knew, and I guessed. But the confirmation was much heavier than I'd expected. I went through all of the pain, all over again. Like it was the same day. I couldn't contain my tears. I couldn't contain my anger. I was overcome with utter despair. Just to go get my meds from the store this morning, I repeatedly had to tell myself out loud to " fucking handle it." But I got through it.

It was a dense pain, one that was compact and irrefutable. One that I didn't have the choice to block out or mute or distract myself from. My mind wouldn't allow me to do anything but feel it. Not even sleep.

But now it's the night after. I'm calmer now. Back to a steadier place. I'm not at peace, I don't feel happy. But I don't feel like I'm actually dying, like my heart has dropped to my gut. I'm back to just wanting you to be well. Ironically your mom did loads to calm me. She's a really great person, I hope you appreciate her. Maybe it's strange that we still talk. But I do love your family, Crow. I do. When you became lost...I lost more than just you. But this letter is long enough. I just want you to know, that I'm hurting, but I still love you. Unceasing, irrevocably, I adore you. Everything about you makes me love you more. Even when you make dumb decisions. Or at least ones that seem poorly thought out to me. But there's perspective raring it's ugly head.

I digress. Be well. I love you. I'm still rooting for you. I want you to be happy. Aba is with you. I'm gonna be okay again one day.

Something broke in me today. I don't know if I can be happy again. I don't know if I can be accepting and kind and gentle. This thing is growing in my chest. It's black like soot with claws stained with blood and gnashing teeth. I'm too fucking tired of handling everything to stomp it beneath my boot like I should. Enjoy yourself, Crow. At least you're happy.

49 days.

It took you 49 days to move on. To find someone else. To fill the gap in your chest.

Less.

I'm only hearing about it now. So less.

4 years.

Years.

And I'm worth less than 49 days.

Thanks.

Thanks for that.

I saw the light leave your eyes when you knew.

Before I left and I had to cut us to pieces.

I saw the brightness go. You wouldn't look at me. You had already decided. You told me you'd look. You'd would investigate all the angles. But you didn't. You only looked at your side of the page. And that hurts like hell. Because I love you and I bent over backwards trying to do the mental gymnastics I would need to do to make us work. I know I named this blog in hopes of us coming together again, Crow. But I don't know if I could mend the wound. Not of what happened to you, but of your unwillingness to flip the page. If Aba tells me this is how it's meant to be, or if you are in fact going to return to me some day, then I will follow him wholeheartedly. The light won't leave his eyes. He is the light.

It's been 43 days since we parted ways. It still hurts. I still don't know who I am without you. I miss you desperately. But I am hoping that my heart will find its way back together. For you, or for someone else.

The Bear told me that I can't be mad at myself for feeling how I'm feeling. That I can't beat myself up for being mad or hurt or exhausted. He's right. But I hate crying. I hate being mad. I'm not mad at you. Not for this path you've gone down. I've been on that road and it is a damn good road. Everything on it is peaches. Until it's not. It's hard to see anything but the road once you're on it. It's hard to reconcile anything but how you feel. I know, I told you I knew. I don't think you believed me, that I'd been where you are. But that's ok.

The reason I'm mad is because something has deceived you. At some point when you were little something dark set it's hooks in you and waited and waited and waited like dark things tend to do. I casted it out, over and over. It's not like you're possessed. I don't think there's some dark thing taking over you. But I think it's wrapped around you so tight, that you won't see anything it doesn't want you to see. Just like the other lost ones.

It's been 18 days since we parted ways. It hasn't gotten easier.

Yesterday was hard. So hard I couldn't even write about it. I was more lonely and heartbroken than I'd been since it first happened. I broke down. I miss you so much. You're out with friends that materialized out of no where every day. You aren't ever in chat. You don't seem to want anything to do with me. I think you're trying to end things between us platonically in the gentlest way you know how. But stabbing me slow doesn't mean you aren't stabbing me. And still, I could be wrong. But I can't see you, I can't talk to you, so all I have is to hang on to every tiny detail you give me.

I love you.

I hope I see you in your eyes again one day.

Gnight, Crow.

Today I asked if I was giving enough space. It has been 6 days since we parted ways. You've built this massive wall between us, and claim that it's hard to get around. So I will wait for Aba to crush it to pieces so you can find me on the other side. If that is his will for me. I still don't know what this 2 year plan he has. But I will remain steadfast, and blindly follow where he leads. Because his ways are higher than mine, and his thoughts are not mine. I praise his for his love for you. Unwavering, unsurprised. He knew you, all of you, even when you yourself did not know or understand.

I want you to be well. I miss talking to you. But I've got to figure out another way to be less lonely. Because you just won't talk to me anymore. As much as this hurts.

Today I plugged my lamp back in. I thought of you, and sighed to myself. I left it unplugged to let you charge your phone because I knew you would forget to plug it back in when you left anyway. You made up for the loss of light. It's 4 days since we parted ways. Our interactions feel strained. You won't hold any kind of conversation with me. It hurts. But Aba has been keeping me good company. He stays close and comforts me. He's been healing my inner child a lot recently. I wish I could talk to you about it. I wish I could talk to

you.