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forthehonoroflove · 3 days

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Loner

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(Minor spoilers for for two conversations in Rebirth. One is from a sidequest in Nibelheim, the other happens when the party goes back to Costa del Sol in chapter 12. Neither is particularly plot-relevant, but still. You've been warned.)

Nobody had taken it seriously. Ha-ha, Cloud’s a grump, he’s prickly, he’s a loner, ha-ha, moving on.

He frowned at the back of Tifa’s head. You seemed fine on your own.

He pressed his lips together and flexed his hand at his side, uncomfortable. He wasn’t... good at being the centre of attention, he wasn’t good with people. Didn’t mean he wanted to—

“You okay?”

Nobody had taken it seriously. Ha-ha, Cloud’s a grump, he’s prickly, he’s a loner, ha-ha, moving on.

Loner

It really shouldn’t have bothered him. Barret hadn’t meant anything by it, and everyone else had just had a good laugh and moved on. Now they were engrossed in a conversation about Johnny’s hotel and whether it was going to be a pile of ashes when they went to check on him, with Yuffie providing an uncanny impression of the guy for Cid and Cait Sith’s benefit.

He frowned at the back of Tifa’s head. You seemed fine on your own.

He pressed his lips together and flexed his hand at his side, uncomfortable. He wasn’t... good at being the centre of attention, he wasn’t good with people. Didn’t mean he wanted to—

“You okay?”

Cloud shook his head and blinked twice, then turned to Aerith, who’d slowed down to match his step as the rest of the group walked on ahead. “Hm?”

“Everything okay?” she asked, furrowing her brows. “You look upset.”

He shrugged. “It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

Aerith hummed at his side, unconvinced. “Right.”

“Right.”

They walked in silence for a little bit. Cid’s bellowing laughter echoed throughout the streets of Costa del Sol, and Cloud was hit with an unreasonable wave of jealousy. Known them for five minutes and already he was fast friends with everyone. Not a loner, clearly.

“You really don’t look fine,” said Aerith. “You sure nothing’s wrong?”

“Sure,” said Cloud, keeping his gaze trained forward. “Don’t worry about me.”

He heard her sigh. “Okay. I’ll leave you alone, then,” she said, starting to speed up to catch up with the others.

It hit him like a slap. “Wait—no, I—” He fumbled to grab her by the wrist before she could get too far away. They both stopped.

Aerith turned to him with an expression halfway through surprise and concern. “Ah,” she said simply. “So there is something.”

Cloud grimaced and slowly let go of her. “I...” He couldn’t pretend now. He felt naked, vulnerable under her inquisitive look.

Aerith cocked her head to the side, a silent question.

Cloud opened his mouth to answer it, but then closed it again. It was so silly, so small, so childish. How was he going to explain to Aerith of all people that it bothered him that his friends thought he’d rather be alone than around them? Did they think he didn’t consider them friends at all?

“It’s stupid,” he muttered, letting his gaze fall to the side.

Aerith hummed. “That’s the way it is, sometimes. But if it’s bothering you, it’s not nothing. I wanna help.”

He bit his lip, still without meeting her eyes. She sighed again, and drew closer to him. She lightly took his arm and pulled him forwards a little. “Let’s go somewhere quiet, ‘kay?”

Cloud nodded slowly. “’Kay,” he replied. Then, he furrowed his brows. “The others—”

Aerith shrugged. “They’ll understand. Let’s go.”

He let her pull him through the streets of Costa del Sol, where even the shadows were warm. She seemed to know where they were going, and Cloud idly wondered how long she’d spent roaming the town their first time there. Eventually, they stopped in a small secluded plaza towards the outskirts of Costa del Sol, quiet and sunny.

Aerith sat down on a bench and patted the marble next to her. “C’mon,” she said.

Cloud wordlessly obliged. It was warm. They sat in the sun for a little bit, and Cloud closed his eyes to soak up the rays. He was going to be covered in freckles by the time the sun set, but it was nice.

The silence dragged on, fragile and tense. Eventually, Aerith was the one to break it.

“Is it Sephiroth?” she asked, quiet and hesitant.

The name sent a shiver down his spine. He shook his head. “No. It’s—It’s dumber than that. Way dumber.” He frowned.

Aerith hummed. “I’ll listen anyway.”

Cloud sighed. It was stupid, but... if he could tell anyone, it was her. “It’s... what Barret said earlier,” he finally pried from his lungs, fighting to push every word out.

“What Barret... About your driving? Oh, Cloud, he—”

“No, no.” Cloud shook his head. “The... loner thing.”

He could feel her eyes on him for a long beat. He drummed his fingers on the bench beside him, trying to get the nervousness out.

“I’m... not sure I follow,” she said then, slowly.

Cloud winced. He’d been hoping that Aerith would understand without him having to spell it out. He felt his cheeks warm up a bit and cleared his throat. “Do you think... Do you think I enjoy being alone?” he asked quietly.

She let out a quiet gasp. “That’s what’s bothering you?” No surprise, judgement, or pity in her voice; just trying to make sure she understood.

Cloud nodded.

Aerith hummed. “Right. Well, does anyone? Enjoy loneliness?”

Tifa seems to think so, he thought bitterly.

“Not me,” he said, frowning. “I didn’t know you guys...”

Aerith sighed and leaned back on her hands. “I don’t think that. And I don’t think the others literally think that, either. But... you do have a bad habit of pushing people away. Just look at earlier.” She gave him a pointed look and Cloud tried not to squirm too much.

“I...” He bit his lip. “I’m... sorry. I told you it was dumb.”

She shook her head. “It’s not dumb. I’m glad you’re telling me. I just wanna help.” She scooted a little closer and bumped his shoulder with hers.

He nodded slowly and looked away. “I’m just... not good with people,” he said. “‘Specially when there’s lots of ‘em. But I’m trying. A-And I know I’m too quiet sometimes, but...”

“Hey.” Aerith gently took his hand in hers. “It’s okay.”

Cloud blinked twice. He hadn't realised his voice had gotten shaky. He took a deep breath.

“I don’t wanna be alone,” he murmured, hating the way he sounded like a petulant child. “I just... can’t be the way you guys are.”

Aerith gave his hand a squeeze. “That’s okay. You don’t have to be an extrovert to wanna be around people. But you might wanna start showing them you care more.”

Cloud shot her a puzzled look. “What do you mean?”

“Well,” she started, playing with his fingers, “let people in. And ask to be let in in turn.”

He stiffened. Close as they were, there was no way she wouldn’t notice. She giggled quietly and gave his hand another squeeze. “I know it’s scary.”

Cloud wanted to deny it so badly, but they both knew she was right.

Asking people to let him in had only ever led to rejection before. Why would things be different now? Wasn’t it easier to save himself the trouble and stay out of their hair? It wasn’t like they’d miss him anyway. He was like driftwood floating in the sea: good to hang onto if needed, but forgotten about as soon as he was out of sight.

The thought lodged itself uncomfortably in his chest. He pressed his lips together and didn't meet Aerith’s eyes.

He heard her sigh. “You know,” she started, still playing with his hand, “you’re kinda like a stray cat.”

Cloud turned to face her and blinked twice. “Huh?”

She giggled. “Yeah. One of those little guys who’re super skittish and hiss at you if you get too close. And they scratch, too, the little pests.”

“Thanks,” he muttered, frowning.

“There was this one stray back home in Midgar,” she continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “A cute tabby cat who used to hang out near the church when I was a kid. Mom always said to leave her alone, because she didn’t like people much.”

She had a soft, nostalgic smile on her face, and Cloud felt his own smile crawl on his face. “Guessing you didn’t listen.”

Aerith winked. “You know me so well. I just wanted to befriend the grumpy church cat! You can’t blame me.”

Cloud shook his head lightly and chuckled.

“Anyway, I kept going back day after day to try to feed her and get her to come out of her hidey-hole. Never, ever worked. She’d just hiss at me and scuttle off. But then... One day, I ran off to the church after some kids, well—” She cut herself off and waved a hand in the air. “You know.”

Cloud didn't know, but he could imagine. She’d said it before: she’d grown up with no friends. He could picture how other kids talked to her, and it wasn’t nice. She was still holding his hand, so he gave hers a light squeeze.

Aerith shot him a half smile and continued, “Anyway, I went to the church to get away from them and have a nice long mope. And I guess that tabby heard me cry, because she came up to me and just crawled in my lap, purring like a truck engine!” She giggled. “It was enough to make me forget about those kids until my mom came to get me.”

Cloud hummed. She kicked her feet a little bit, knocking the heels of her boots together. “The cat stayed at the church, but she was just a bit less skittish after that. Never became super friendly, mind you, but she’d let me feed her and pet her every once in a while. She even let me help her deliver her kittens!”

He nodded slowly, fighting back a bemused smile. “And you’re saying... I’m like that?”

“Hm-mm! Exactly.” She grinned. “And if I could get that grumpy old cat to trust me, I sure as hell can get you to open up.”

Cloud laughed quietly and thought that they were sitting together in a secluded sunny plaza, holding hands and trading whispers and secrets. She was already there.

“Maybe,” he said nonetheless, as his smile faded a little. “But I think you’re the odd one out, there.”

Aerith shrugged. “I’ve always been the odd one out. But I promise you I’m not, this time.” She tightened her hold on his hand and leaned closer to him. “We love you,” she said matter-of-factly, smiling in a way that left him speechless and motionless, a way that left no doubt that she was being sincere and serious. “All of us. And we know you love us. You fall, we’ll catch you. You reach out, we’ll reach back.”

Cloud swallowed a thick knot in his throat, at once pinned in place and torn apart between the dark, potent fear she was lying to him and the burning and desperate desire to believe her.

“So don’t push us away,” finished Aerith, gently poking his nose with her finger. “Because you’ll only hurt yourself as well.”

“I...” Cloud bit his lip and shook his head. “I...”

Her smile softened even more and she let go of his hand. But, instead of pulling away, she pulled him into a hug, wrapping her arms around his middle and holding him close. “I don’t hug you nearly often enough,” she said. “Is it cool if I do it more? This is nice.”

“Sure,” breathed Cloud, tentatively returning the hug. It was nice. He let out a shaky exhale as she rubbed slow, soothing circles on his back.

She giggled. “You’re not alone,” she whispered, drawing closer. “You don’t have to be alone. Let us in. We're here.”

In spite of himself, Cloud nodded. “Thank you,” he murmured. He didn’t know if he fully believed her, but he wanted to so badly it stung. Wanted to believe he could reach out and not get his hand slapped away. But, then again... He had just reached out to Aerith. And she was still there. Hugging him and telling him he didn’t have to be alone after all. “Thank you,” he repeated.

Aerith hummed, but didn’t pull away. Cloud didn't know how long they stayed like that before it eventually dawned on him that she wasn't going to let go first. She’d be there as long as he needed her to and, as embarrassing as it was, he needed a little bit longer.

Finally, slowly, Cloud drew in a deep breath and hesitantly let go of her shoulders. Aerith let him, but took his hand again.

“Feeling better?” she asked with a small smile.

Cloud nodded. “Think so.” He gave her fingers a light squeeze. A silent thank you.

She giggled. “Anytime.” Of course she’d heard it anyway. “Anytime at all. I’ll be here.”

“I know,” he caught himself saying. And, incredibly, miraculously, he caught himself believing it.

Aerith beamed. “Great!" she exclaimed, standing up from their bench and pulling him up with her. “Say, how ‘bout we get started on your quest to prove to everyone you're not a loner?"

He warily raised his eyebrows. “…Listening.”

“Let’s all go out tonight,” she said. “Just to have fun.”

Cloud frowned. “But we gotta—”

“The Keystone can wait one night," she said, threading their fingers together. “This is important too.”

He considered it for a moment.

Another loner. As if one wasn't enough.

You seemed fine on your own.

Let him be, leave him alone, he's gonna be fine, he doesn't care anyway.

Alone, alone, alone. Always been, always will be.

And that won't change if you don't do something about it.

Cloud nodded. “Alright. Think I saw a bowling alley on the main street.”

Aerith grinned. “Oh, I am so gonna wipe the floor with you all."

He smiled as well. “You're on. Let’s go get the others.”

As they walked out of the plaza and towards the hotel, Cloud couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. Aerith squeezed his fingers again, as if her hand was the lifeline keeping him from drifting off into the ocean, to be discarded and forgotten about. But, with that tether securing him to land, he could learn to swim and make his way back on his own.

And his friends would be there, waiting for him.

He squeezed back. Yeah. That sounded nice.

#clerith #final fantasy 7 remake #clerith fic

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