i wish i knew what would happen to everyone if i killed myself

i’m so just tired of everything. i just want to not feel like this. i feel like i can’t do anything right and every single something is going good something bad happens or i mess up or i figure something out and i just i don’t want that. i want my friends to love me. i want my family to not be mad at me. i want them to understand me. i want them to force me to go to therapy. i want to stop being scared and anxious. i want to stop being fat. i want to stop being ugly. i want to stop being lonely. i want to have friends. i want to have people i trust. i want to have a healthy body. i want to have a healthy realistic ship with food. i want a boyfriend. i want school to end. i want money. i want everything to just be easier.

i wish that i could be angry with my family without them making me feel like i’m a terrible person. i feel like i have to hold all of emotions down bc if i’m mad at them i make them feel bad, and if i make them feel bad then i’m a bad person. it’s not fair that i have to feel like this. it’s not fair that i have to live like this. i should be able to angry, i should be able to fucking livid. i don’t deserve to feel like being emotional means that i’m a bad person.

i made this bc i thought i was good at poetry and i’m very much so not, i’m just gonna y’all about all of my sad stuff here

me: *on the verge of suicide*

my family: think :) positive :) thoughts :)

sometimes

i make myself cry

not out of sadness

but longing

i want to feel the hot

tears

and remind myself

that you were not a

dream

and i was not a delusionist

of aching loves

and aching smiles

in a second of desperation and wanting i made this to express my feelings that i don’t wish to implore on others. this means nothing and will likely be forgotten, though i hope it remains in my mind.

i see my face too often to describe it

i miss the rain.

i wish to live and die in it

it is raining now

i miss the rain.

to drown in the rain is to drown

in joy

and in the joy of drowning in the rain

i miss the life outside of it

outside of the rain

i miss the rain.

i hate the rain with everything in me