floralprinceofdoom
fuck it this is where I vent
some days you just gotta say things where folks can't see.
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-Words of Truth- Facts & Morals-
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Yesterday was the 18 year anniversary of the last time I saw my dearest friend alive and well.
I was a flighty little thing in those days. I couldn't focus for shit, but I felt put together when we were in the same place. I still couldn't focus, I still couldn't think clearly, but he always helped me get back on track, kept me from getting lost, made me feel like a person, in spite of my brain not working properly.
In turn, I grounded him. I talked him back out of bad places, talked sense into him when people brought him low. When his ex tried to manipulate him. When she collaborated with other mean girls in the school to chase him down in the parking lot because he'd moved on and was happy, and she was mad about it, making him think there was something wrong with him being happy. I encouraged him when he decided to better himself to propose to the girl he loved, and sat on the phone with him long into the night when she broke up with him because he was working on the other side of the state.
I was 19, he was going to turn 19 in a month. We spent the day together, scouring the mall for a birthday gift for his father, getting side tracked by anime, video games, random sparkling nonsense. We picked out a blue and gold tie for his dad. Nice quality silk, bought with money from his first job. A bit expensive, but his dad was amazing, and absolutely worth it. I picked out a silly card from the Hallmark store, and together, sitting in the Chick-fil-a we put together the present package, sharing an order of waffle fries, talking about plans for the future (I wanted to go to art school, he was going to work for his brother in law until he could afford to live on his own and had experience to work at a mechanics shop in town and start his life where our roots lay)
Our friends came and got us from the mall and we spent the evening with drinks and snacks in the park, grilling hot dogs and throwing m&ms and chips around, laughing our asses off when he used his nose as a rocket to launch a peanut m&m at our friend who'd been reading and ignoring the nonsense the rest of us were getting up to (she threw it back and pinged him in the forehead, and it was great)
When the night came to an end and everyone had to go home, we piled into our friend's car, and I sat in the middle of the back bench, sandwiched between the two people I loved most in the world at the time--Him, and our mutual crush.
I should have been unbearably warm. They both ran hot. But all of a sudden I felt like I was drenched in ice water, and I started crying.
"Don't go. Don't go back."
"It's ok. I'll be back for my birthday next month"
"No you won't. You're going to go back there, and we'll never see you again. You won't be coming back. Don't go" I don't know where it came from, I just knew it was true. I had a white knuckle grip on his hand as we sat in the car outside his house.
"We have to get you home, Al" the friend who'd been driving us said "Your parents will be pissed if we don't."
so we piled out, group hugged, and when everyone else pulled away, I gripped him tighter.
"I'm serious. Please don't go. You'll go and you won't come back. You have to stay. we need you here"
"It'll be ok, Al. Don't worry. I'll come back. You graduate next month, right? Finally?"
"Yeah, on your birthday... Hey. Do. What car do you want for your birthday?"
We always did that. We bought each other a matchbox, or a hotwheels car. It was our little joke. 'What car do you want?' 'I dunno? a green one? you pick' the color was random, but we always did it.
"No car, this year. Get your diploma. That'll be my birthday present this year"
"You got it. When. When you come back, it's yours"
I went home, he went inside. He called the day he left to say he was on his way, I told him to be safe. We called each other every day. He wasn't able to come back for his birthday, but he promised he'd be back.
A month after my graduation, and his birthday, I got a call from him at 11 am. I was exhausted, I told him I'd call him back.
I woke up at 3:44, sick. Violently so. I went downstairs, miserable, exhausted. Mom reminded me I received a call, and I went to call him back, then my mom said 'not until you've done yard work, like you promised'
It was 7:30 when we were finally done. I was resting before I went to return his call... except. I got a call from one of our other friends.
He'd died.
It had to be fake. I couldn't believe that.
I called his sister's house, where he'd been staying while he was working for her husband
"I'm. I'm sorry, Al. He. died. he's dead."
"what? when??"
They'd pronounced him dead at 3:40.
He'd drowned in a river that ran off from the mountains he'd been living in.
His father wore the tie we bought him to the funeral, and a dishtowel embroidered with a duck over his shoulder, sobbing into it.
His father passed back in February.
Facebook was kind enough to tell me his birthday is in two days.
When I met him, when I was 14, I couldn't see myself lasting a year. With his friendship and encouragement, I made it to 19, I graduated... At 19, I couldn't imagine making it to 30 without him. I'm 37. I've made so many friends and had so many experiences because he worked me out of that nasty funk.
But damn. I still miss his goofy ass.....
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Im so touch starved. Ii can't remember the last time I touched another living being that isn't my cats
I want to held like I'm something precious, have a hand run through my hair and play with it while I'm half asleep, get those gentle little forehead kisses people give when they love you and think you're asleep. I want to hold someone's hand in their coat pocket as we walk in the rain, loop my arm through someone else's while we ride public transport. Link fingers over a restaurant table. I want to be cherished
I haven't been single so long since highschool.
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I have native blood on both sides of my family and I'm so frustrated that I don't have a real connection to my family's history. I know it's there, but because my mom was raised white, and my father was raised military, and they raised ME white with the barest connection to my culture, it's such a distant connection.
I get it. I do. Giving me knowledge when we lived in a place where that knowledge made us vulnerable wasn't safe, and since they were both raised in a white way they themselves had nothing to give us beyond a name for our people.
But it's still...
How do I put this to words...
I don't know.
I just
I want that. I'm hungry for history, for connection, for something real...
I want to know more about my history.
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Tomorrow is the 14th anniversary of the day my whole world fell apart. Grief doesn't go away. It's a little easier now because it's been there for so long but it still hurts
#i got a spam call from our old area code and have been a wreck all day#i loved Billy and there aren't many days that go by without him factoring in somehow#i hate june and july. they always emphasize his not being here
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Blue & gold night sky stimboard for anon
🌠 x x x - x x x - x x x 🌠
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I just remembered I have a commission for talk sprites i never finished because a bunch of nonsense happened all at once and i couldn't draw them...
And now I still can't because it requires animation and a pixel brush and I just don't have those on my tablet.
Ugh
#my mood was already shit now i feel more like garbage because i cant finish my older commissions#partially because theyre on computers that dont want to work properly#and partially because i just don't know how i would even finish them on my tablet#i want to cry. i hate this. i feel useless
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this too shall pass
this too shall pass
this too shall pass
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Go get em.
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gentle reminder
you’re worth it and you are loved
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Anxiety lies! It’s okay to take your time. You have your whole life to get you where you want to be.
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This is something I have to remind myself of when I am struggling with depression and suicidal ideation. It’s easy for my mind to catastrophize and label everything as terrible and that life is getting worse– but that feeling isn’t truthful; it ALWAYS follows a gap in my self-care.
Do you experience this as well? How do you cope when you’re catastrophizing? All insights welcome
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Here’s the second part of mindfulness I learned in therapy that helped me to function after a breakdown. If you, like me, were taught growing up that some emotions were unacceptable, you may need to learn to handle them now as an adult in order to be healthy. All emotions are important indicators that are there to help you.
Mindfulness 101 Comic
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♥️
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If your anxiety is like mine, it’s constantly focusing on things I can’t control, whether it’s events in the past or the hypothesized future. So, here’s a gentle reminder to take care of your tasks and needs in this moment.
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Something I have to tell myself whenever I feel frustrated about the time and relationships I have lost due to illness– Who I am now is good, too.
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