Exploration of a town that I thought I knew.. 

Wassup

03.22.19

2:38 AM

Day 1

Hey there, my name is Jasmine Urban if you do not already know that. This year I decided to try something new. Here I am, opening myself up for those willing to take a peek. I never thought I would be here scribbling down my most inner and deepest thoughts, desires, struggles, and my own person triumphs throughout this crazy life. Take a read or don’t. Who knows exactly what I am trying to accomplish through this. Or what outcome this may or may not bring. Maybe a sense of self? Or this is just me trying to finally come to terms with some closed off doors that I never really truly and deeply have dealt with before. Feel free to disagree with my opinions on life, love, and friendships. I love a good debate. So have at it. 

    Little about me, throughout my own personal journey I have had many “ah ha” moments and have attempted to grow through them. Haven't we all? Journaling has always been recommended to me. It interested me. I would start each season (literally) having the goal to write at least once a week. That would last the week I started (lol). Maybe having less than 2 months before I finish college has given me a desperate need to deal with my demons and regrets. Sounds so clique, I know. I realize that starting a blog is such a millennial trend. Trying to find self-validation through a social media platform can seem vain. Honestly, I really don’t give a fuck. I do not need validation. That has never been my purpose. I just want to show my journey. And that is reason enough. 

    A good portion of my life I tried to avoid being seen as a girl who looks like she needs attention through snap chat, Instagram, or Facebook. I do not post looking for attention but to show other things that I enjoy about myself. You wanna know something? I’m really into those quote posts. You know the ones that talk about self-love and finding inner peace and all that crap. I’ll admit it when I went through a tough breakup, or a hard family situation I must have screenshotted at least 50 of those quotes. It came to a point where my “for me” feed on Instagram was only inspirational break-up quotes (haha). At the time I was embarrassed about it. I thought to myself “why do I keep searching for the perfect set of words to make me feel better”. I realized it was because I was not being honest with the own words that were coming from my heart. 

    I found comfort in them realizing that words can be a powerful thing in turmoil times and allows you to connect to others. As I read each quote I thought to myself “I am not the only one who feels this way, everyone deals with this”. It was like I constantly wanted something or someone to feel the way I felt. In actuality each situation is different and the only way you can heal is, to be honest with yourself. And that shit is tough, but you are tougher (one of my fav basic Instagram quotes). 

    ”God gave us a mouth that closes and ears that don’t” this was told to during a date with a man years older than me. It shuddered in my mind for weeks. It made me realize the person who I was at the time was not who I wanted to be. I was partying and drinking a little too much. Trying to find comfort in someone who could be the life of a party. Now I see that was the wrong approach. People tried to talk reason to me (naturally did not listen). And on August 25,2018 I wrote to myself in the notes section of my computer “You are more than a fun time you have interests and just because it is not the same as someone else does not make you boring. It’s okay to be a nerd, not to know pop culture references, that is just not you. Time to start going on hikes and going outside to read. Listen to music become inspired. It is okay, you can say no. You can do this. You are more than a pretty face. You listen and you make choices. Be a good person again. You can do it, hun”. 

        Now I am on a journey of self-discovery. I am still searching for that I want to become but I know she is there. Because at the end of the day you create the person who you wish to be. Still in the shop, but she will be ready soon enough. Maybe your on that journey too. Let’s see who we become. 

ps: 

I promise these posts will scatter from short memos to long self reflections. Or whatever I want honestly.