A lifetime

Ive made a lot of mistakes, I’ve lived a 1000 lives, I’m 36 and have so many regrets, I hurt a lot of people and said a lot of mean things, I put things that would bring me some sort of instant gratification, ahead of doing the right thing. I always needed some shoes or new clothes that would in my mind take away from that fact that I was never really happy or comfortable with myself. Wether that happiness was material or from women. I pissed it all away, cause the high ran out, I needed something to mask the hate and the pain. I needed to not deal with what I was truly unhappy with.... myself. I hated my body. I pushed away all the women that ever truly loved me. I cheated cause I would get slightly insecure and need the validation of a woman, they made me feel worhty of my love. I would like to think that my actoins had something more to do then just with my weight and the way that i saw myself, im sure it did, but im also sure that it had a huge part to do with it. I wish i could tell you how i started to love myself. i wish there was something i could say that would make you value what you see in the mirror everyday. i could tell the series of events that made me realize that no matter what bad things i thgouth about myself, i was still worthy of love. I dont know you, i dont even know if anyone is reading this, but i want you to know that im here, and i made it, i see photos of myself sometimes and for split second i see a fat piece of shit, then logic kicks in and i realize the person that took that picture loved me enough to want a photo of me, that i have value to the people around me. evceryone isnt gonna love you but also not everyone is gonna hate you. i recently found out that someone at work didnt like me, and for half the day i was wondering why and what i did for someone not to like me. i wanted to know more and see if there was anyting i could do to change her mind or maybe clear somethin up , but then i thought, fuck it, who cares. this person plays no part in my life other then passing them at work. the truth is you may never know why someone doesnt like you , and the truth is you shouldnt really care. Fuck them! you deserver better in your life. you deseve to be around people that cheer you on and people that accept you for your flaws but still give you the feedback that will make you a better person. the people that will joke about you to your face and love you enough to have your back but not sugar coat things, a friedn that wont deny youre fat, but also check you when you think youre the fattest person in the world. thats also not anyones responbility, no one owes you that, buy you do owe it to yourself. i was wathcing this ted talks once and the lady said " fake it till you make it"? no "fake it till you become it". i bacme it, im on a jpurney to get healthy and lose weight not becaure i give a flying fuck about what people think of me but becuase i dont wanna be in pain and die. you have to find your own reasons to over come the negative way you see and feel about yourself, there isnt a magic link or a pill that will change that, and i dont expect my words to change your life, but i do hope by reading this you know that youre not alone, and just cause this is gonna be that last thing i wirte doenst mean im not aorund.thank you all for giving me an outlet and letting me share the things ive been through, shit hasnt alwasy been all rainbows and gum drops but life is prety Hey good right now and im gratefull

as always be happy, be well, be kind, and be loved

signing out, sam

Another installment from “theater bathroom”! Ha that guy behind me is touching his dick. Gross, what if women had to touch themselves to pee. Weird, but maybe that’s why men feel so entitled cause they’ve become desensitized to touching their dicks! Oh what about you sam? Ha I sit to pee, I ain’t touching no dicks! Holy fuck, sorry about that rant, my heads a little turned around. I just saw @bohemianrhapsodymovie with @ramimalek and it kinda got me feeling some sort of way. Freddie Mercury was amazing and confident with his talent. Sure he died young but left something great behind, I guess it just makes me realize that life is fleeting, what do I wanna leave behind, what am I passionate about? I guess I’ll figure it out, in the meantime I’ll keep posting and writing here. I love you guys! Seriously thanks Ps. What do you wanna leave behind? #fatshion #fatfashion #fullbodyphotoproject #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #psfashion #fashionblogger #plussize #plussizefashionblogger #plussizestyle #streetstyle #plussizefashioninspiration #pizzasister4lyfe #pizzamister4lyfe #womensrights#feminist#dontbeadick https://www.instagram.com/p/Bpta7wTge-g/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=mndorfl53f5f

Just something I want to share

It was July 2016, my fiancée had just left me and I was feeling so lonely and unloved. One night while home alone I hugged my dog, kissed him on the head and said I’m sorry. I walked to my room, dragging a dinning room chair behind me, closed the door and tied a belt around the door handle. I tied the other end around my neck. I sat in the chair and just let go....... I lost consciousness and woke up on the floor alone. My attempt at suicide was foiled by a faulty door knob. My life which felt like a curse at the time wouldn’t let me go. That day I couldn’t have been more wrong. I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that everyday is a blessing and I never backslide and never had those thoughts again. It’s just not reality, nothing is perfect, especially this life. Some days it’s a beautiful orchestra and some days it’s a shit show. You sludge through the shit even though there may not be gold at the end of the rainbow. I would like to think that those thoughts and the want to end my life had something more to do with a chemical imbalance rather then the way I saw myself physically, perhaps because of my weight I felt unlovable, undesirable, and ultimately feeling like my life wasn’t worth living. I would hate to think that there are people out there that feel that same way I did. I was lucky enough to get help and try to change my thought process, there are people out there that aren’t so fortunate. They don’t need your thoughts and prayers, they need your love, they need you to call and tell them how much value they really have, despite their appearance. Suicide is something we are aware of but not something we ever talk about, like talk about the thoughts we have and the effect it has had on people in our lives. You never know who deals with the same issues you do. You don’t have it worse then everyone else, anything you’re going through can be worked through. I heard this in a movie once and it’s resonated with me since I’ve seen it. “A lot of the time, we feel like our lives are the worst, but I think if you looked in somebody else’s closet, you wouldn’t trade your sh*t for their sh*t.” Sometimes it’s something as simple as seeing a movie that can change your mind, way of thinking or how you’re feeling at the time. This has had to be one of the most emotional pieces I’ve written. It was hard for me to get through it with out tearing up. It had to be talked about, it has to be brought to the attention of people. We are losing countless people to this epidemic. Be there for someone, be the reason they continue to live.

As always

Be well, be happy, be kind, be loved

Sam

Im confident to the point of not giving fuck. It kinda defeats the purpose of me having a fashion blog and not wanting to post photos. I’ve just come to the realization that it’s fine line between confidents and cockiness. So ima humble it down for a while. Side note I’ve seen three movies in three days and in each of them one character has killed themselves, shots real out here make sure you have a support. Pss shout out to these boss ass @redwingshoes! They’re super dope!! #heyredwingssponsorme! #fatshion #fatfashion #fullbodyphotoproject #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #psfashion #fashionblogger #plussize #plussizefashionblogger #plussizestyle #streetstyle #plussizefashioninspiration #pizzasister4lyfe #pizzamister4lyfe https://www.instagram.com/p/BpbTNSdA5fM/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=vccotockcgjn

This shirt is a must have, especially before the summer is over, always look for coupons when shopping here!

Someone told #johnnycash it looked like he was dressed to go to a funeral. His answer was "maybe I am". I never wear all black, but today I had to say goodbye to a co-worker. I am no stranger to death, what took me by surprise was that how my co-workers came together like #family. I'm grateful for them and my friends. You know people say that black is slimming, I say fuck all that. I hate wearing all black, give me fucking color. Throw some pink at me! Throw some red! Color is life, express yourself. Be bold and not afraid to stand out. If this week has taught me anything, it's to live your trusted life to the fullest. #fatshion #fatfashion #fullbodyphotoproject #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #psfashion #fashionblogger #plussize #plussizefashionblogger #plussizestyle #streetstyle #plussizefashioninspiration #pizzasister4lyfe #pizzamister4lyfe

Yea it was that kinda night. I may not know what I'm doing half the time, I may be doing it wrong, I don't have a fucking clue about shit! When I'm here listening to this! It all makes sense, it's my zen, it's my enlightenment. It's everywhere and everything I need to be. Ever song belted out is for me, it's about me. I love this fucking band. @kingsofleon thank you. #fatshion #fatfashion #fullbodyphotoproject #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #psfashion #fashionblogger #plussize #plussizefashionblogger #plussizestyle #streetstyle #plussizefashioninspiration #pizzasister4lyfe #pizzamister4lyfe

My mustache is finally growing back, and I'm a sucker for cool glasses. Especially these fucking Gucci ones. I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but it's probably along the lines of, " you sexy motherfucker, I love you". So it's been more than six months that I've been single and I must say im kinda diggin it. I haven't even dated. Being straight up with the opposite sex is the best way to be. Life is so much easier when you don't have the stresses or pressures of dating. Hey but if you're from #chicago and wanna chill hit me up. I'm pretty much rambling at this point . FF OUT#fatshion #fatfashion #fullbodyphotoproject #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #psfashion #fashionblogger #plussize #plussizefashionblogger #plussizestyle #streetstyle #plussizefashioninspiration #pizzasister4lyfe #pizzamister4lyfe

My life has always been surrounded by women. I've always respected them and their choices. Not until recently did I find out that I had control issues when it came to them, needless to say it fucking sucked, it sucked to think of all the women I had dated and what I had put them through. Ive also always gotten male dogs and this sweet little girl is the first female dog I've had, I treat her and all the other woman in my life very delicately. Point is I knew I had to do something to change, I didn't wanna be like my forefathers. I need to be better, I need to know that it's not ok and I need you to know I'm sorry and I love you. I'm sorry to all of you that I've been with, in sorry it took me this long to realize. Just know I'm working on changing this habit. #shibainu#men#women#love#sorry #fatshion #fatfashion #fullbodyphotoproject #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #psfashion #fashionblogger #plussize #plussizefashionblogger #plussizestyle #streetstyle #plussizefashioninspiration #pizzasister4lyfe #pizzamister4lyfe

If you're not eating chicken then you're eating the wrong meats my friends. I love chicken, but more so I love homemade fried chicken! It was totally worth the 30 minute wait. The crust was so flaky and crispy, half of it landed on my shirt, well worth the sacrifice. Make sure you have plenty of napkins, don't be a fucking slob. 2017 is the year of the classy fat man. #fatshion #fatfashion #fullbodyphotoproject #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #psfashion #fashionblogger #plussize #plussizefashionblogger #plussizestyle #streetstyle #plussizefashioninspiration #pizzasister4lyfe #pizzamister4lyfe (at Tony's Family Restaurant)

If #carhartt isn't heavily in your rotation, get with the program. They're warm and easy, they literally go with anything. You will see me fucking with these hats all season. Shit I even wear the women's one, cause I'm tired of these boundaries and things that identify woman from men. Can't we all just share fashion. Why can't women's jeans have normal sized pockets?? That's the only reason I don't wear them. Legit i remember this one time I had relations with this chick and the next morning she couldn't find her pants, guess who had a extra pair of women's jeans in his wardrobe. Boom saved the day, although she never did call me back, and I never got my jeans back..... #fatshion #fatfashion #fullbodyphotoproject #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #psfashion #fashionblogger #plussize #plussizefashionblogger #plussizestyle #streetstyle #plussizefashioninspiration #pizzasister4lyfe #pizzamister4lyfe

Yo 2016 is almost over, I pretty much took a huge ass L this year. I hate when people say new year, new me, bullshit! You're still the same old ratchet ass you've always been. Change should come daily, everyday I look back at yesterday and think, I could totally have do this differently or better. Sure 20 16 was a shit show and not like a cool sitcom shit show, like a full on monkey throwing shit and peeing on each other, shit show. I'm gonna take the lessons I've learned into 2017 and leave all the bullshit and stupid ass people in the past. Well here's me holding a giant L to represent this year. #fatshion #fatfashion #fullbodyphotoproject #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #psfashion #fashionblogger #plussize #plussizefashionblogger #plussizestyle #streetstyle #plussizefashioninspiration #pizzasister4lyfe #pizzamister4lyfe

My goal for 2016 is to finish this book before the new year. It's hard, I can't focus ever, even while I'm writing this, I'm flipping through photos in the other hand. I wanted to write this book about my trip to #Cuba but then I thought, what if I wrote the book about writing the book and have the book about Cuba somewhere in there!!!!! Get it? Does it make sense? Can I use the conference room? Anyway I've been a lot more happier these days. Now that I'm keeping my job, I'm over a ex, my daughter made the B honor roll and I have the best friend in the world. Which reminds me you should probably be following her @amystubbs1982. Anyways this was a cool shot and I got a lot of stuff done that day. #coffee#ipadpro#plants#cuba#book#wiritng#thoughts#fatshion #fatfashion #fullbodyphotoproject #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #psfashion #fashionblogger #plussize #plussizefashionblogger #plussizestyle #streetstyle #plussizefashioninspiration #pizzasister4lyfe #pizzamister4lyfe

This is my #puppy #foxey she's a #shibainu she's chill and funny as all hell! My therapist told me I needed something to distract myself from, myself! I asked her if I could get a dog. She said yea! So I got this beauty here. She's loves licking my face and I love her puppy breath.... oh I love her! Come meet her she'll be nice. #fatshion #fatfashion #fullbodyphotoproject #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #psfashion #fashionblogger #plussize #plussizefashionblogger #plussizestyle #streetstyle #plussizefashioninspiration #pizzasister4lyfe #pizzamister4lyfe

I try not to hold a grudge, I try not to be angry about my past, but remember that time you jeopardized my job? Or wait how about the time you wanted me arrested? Or even better yet the time you said I couldn't get a dog..... guess what I still have the job I love! I'm a free man and you looked dumb cause I did nothing wrong, and this is #foxey my new #shibainu. So fuck you! She's shown more loyalty in 3 days than you showed in a year. So I hope you're happy. I really do. I would say I hope you can learn from what we had and lost with each other, but I know you won't. I finally have all the closure I need. I have enough closure to last 3 life times. I love you for making try something different, but I hate you for not appreciating the fact that I did it for you. I didn't want this post to sound bitter, I don't wanna be petty, I just needed to get this off my chest. #notnormallymean#ihope#you#fail#school#ihopeyouneverleaveyourmoms#ihopeyouneverleavejersey#ihopeyounevercallortextme#imfine#imbetterwithoutyou#iloveme#finally#pizzamister4lyfe#pizzasister4lyfe#plussizefashioninspiration#plussizestyle#streetstyle#yourboyfriendislame#andugly##fatshion #fatfashion #fullbodyphotoproject #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #psfashion #fashionblogger #plussize #plussizefashionblogger #plussizestyle #streetstyle #plussizefashioninspiration #pizzasister4lyfe #pizzamister4lyfe

I didn't wanna post this picture, I thought I looked really fat. Sure some pictures are gonna be less flattering than others, but this is me, I've been working hard on so many other things, that losing weight isn't something I'm concerned with focusing on right now. I want to learn to love myself, this self, in this picture. That's me whether I like it or not, whether I'm confident or feel cool enough to ask for your number, even if I feel like the people I'm helping at work are judging me, this is was you get world, cause this is what I have to offer. I'm done valuing myself based upon the the shitty women in the past that have treated me bad. I'd rather be alone then to ever short change myself again. Sorry this wasn't supposed to be a rant. I just want you to know if you feel the same, you shouldn't. #fatshion #fatfashion #fullbodyphotoproject #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #psfashion #fashionblogger #plussize #plussizefashionblogger #plussizestyle #streetstyle #plussizefashioninspiration #pizzasister4lyfe #pizzamister4lyfe

I love driver gloves. Even before Ryan gosling was smashing people's face in. That's my #sharpei in the back ground, he's cool but likes to lick a lot. It's been an intense couple of days but I'm trying to chill. I'm trying to conceptualize my life and time and space, how my life right now is not relative to my life in general. I'm trying not to afraid of getting out of my comfort zone, and let go of what isn't necessary in my life. I've come to the realization that I can't fight my demons, I can only rise above them. So what ever happens, I'll be ok, cause I have support. Thanks #fatshion #fatfashion #fullbodyphotoproject #plussizefashion #plussizeblogger #psfashion #fashionblogger #plussize #plussizefashionblogger #plussizestyle #streetstyle #plussizefashioninspiration #pizzasister4lyfe #pizzamister4lyfe