I have a rant on the mind surrounding my race, gender, and sexuality and where those intersections currently place me within society. I think I'm slowly starting to recognize why I feel such discomfort in many of the labels that not only the world has given me, but the labels I've often proudly and potentially misguidedly given myself. I do not fit within the given framework. I cannot reduce myself or my experiences to a name tag the same way I thought I could. The language needed to place myself doesn't exist. Maybe it did at one point, before neoliberal white supremacist colonial capitalism became the definition of normal, but I will always feel off, icky, or separate from these identities because they were created under that framework. My Blackness isn't included in those frameworks, it remains other. I don't know how else to explain it, it's still confusing me as I think about it.

Long story short, nothing in the closet fits me well enough for me to want to come out so I think I'm going to ditch labels altogether instead of forcing myself to wear things that I don't like, or that don't fit me correctly. I am me. I am simply myself, and that's all that matters.

My therapist (is he my therapist??? Are therapists and counsellor's the same thing...?) gives me homework. I thought therapy homework was just a funny media bit from Dear Evan Hansen, but no, here I am, cramming my therapy homework the night before as if half the reason I'm seeing this dude isn't how much I struggle to do homework. Sigh.

You don't like me anymore, you're scared of being alone and won't admit it

I'm absolutely GOBSMACKED, that is all

Not a new problem

This isn’t a new problem, a unique problem, or an original problem in any shape, form or definition of the word. But it’s still frustrating. And that sucks.

Minecraft on the Switch is unnecessarily complicated

I want to play the craft with my friends, but my switch hates me >:((

before forever (pt.5)

It was valentines day, a day that previously held very little meaning to me outside of the influx of hearts on things, and the worlds best cherry lollipops resurfacing for too brief a stunt. Last year valentines had been the first time I had bought my love a gift, we had agreed there would be no christmas gifts because at that point we’d only been dating about two weeks, and by the time valentines rolled around we had barely been dating two months, but it was enough time to buy each other gifts. I stuffed everything I knew she liked into a cute little bag, complete with stuffed animal, chocolate, and roses, and secretly handed her an ugly reusable dollarama bag that hid the cuter bag to bring home after our extracurricular. We called when she got home so she could open it, and she was beaming. This valentines day I spent at university, four hours away from my love, broke, and unable to do anything truly special, and I felt crushed. I come home in two days, but it’s two days too late to celebrate the way we had before. Today we spoke on the phone for about forty minutes, she let me rant about school and I tried to get her to speak more but she had little to say about life at home. I made her a card she’s yet to receive because I couldn’t find stamps to mail it. I asked her to do something online with me tonight, but she wasn’t in the mood. It hasn’t been the most successful valentines day to say the least. What she doesn’t know is that I hope to make it up to her this coming week, I’m not sure what to do exactly, but I’m going to craftily come up with something. Thus valentines hasn’t failed entirely. In other news I’m pretty sure this week also marks her longest relationship ever, so though nothing else went well, I at least have my girlfriend and the subsequent bragging rights that comes with our relationships length (worth it if you ask me). I love her very much. I hope she knows that. I hope she enjoys the surprise I have in store for her.

black history

Hi, it’s your local black creative here reminding you to be kind, open minded, and not a bigot for this beautiful month, and y’know, just in general. Much love to my community, love you guys <3

before forever (pt.4)

As me and my love are currently long distance I’ve found myself often waiting by my phone like a puppy waiting for their owners to return from a day of work, meaning I am chronically in this half anxious apprehensive state the minute I’m done my school day. As I’m already an anxious person, the extra stress has resulted in some not so fun times for me. This is a reminder to myself that my darling is absolutely fine, and though it’s nice to want to talk, and it’s ok to want their love and attention, it’s also ok to go about your day as usual. I participate in sports, I’m learning how to salsa, and I pick up books to read from the library, there is always things to do in the meantime and I promise receiving their text reply is going to feel just as good once you’ve finished your laundry. You don’t love them any less because you aren’t letting anxiety eat you alive, and you’re doing you both a favour by taking care of yourself. Besides the more you do, the more you’ll get to tell them about when they are free to talk. I can’t wait to hear about her day. I love her very much. I hope she knows that. I hope tomorrow she has plenty to tell me about

before forever (pt.3)

I haven’t spoken to my love on the phone all week. I missed her very much, and the lack of contact was making me kinda sad, but my wife was having a WEEK (as she does every so often), and calling wasn’t much of an option. I can’t even begin to describe the joy I felt seeing her name pop up on my cellular device, I missed her voice so much, I missed her face so much. She called not to talk much, she just wanted to go to bed, but I got to enjoy her presence while she got ready and floated around her room. It’s so nice being able to talk to her again. I know we wont talk much tomorrow because she’ll be tired after work, but for now it’s really nice to have her back. I love her very much. I hope she knows this. I hope she has a good day at work tomorrow

*happy tummy noises*

WHO MADE ICE TEA SO GOSH DARN TASTY!! THE ONLY THING I’M GETTING FROM THIS BOTTLE OF ICE TEA IS TOO MUCH SUGAR AND 3% OF MY DAYS RECOMMENDED POTASSIUM INTAKE AND I AM THRIVING

human moment

I asked for the chicken meal at my universities cafeteria today, and the nice lady doing my order accidentally wrote the wrong meal down on the box so she covered it up with a cute scribbly heart and then handed me the box. I think this is one of those things that unironically make me love being a woman, like yes please, lets cover mistakes in scribbles and pretend this cold soulless cafeteria food was made with the same love that adorns my takeout box

before forever (pt.2)

Tonight was our weekly movie night, it was my turn to pick the film. I took a leap of faith out of my cartoon animated comfort zone and ventured into live action. Not only this, but I chose a live action romantic comedy. Anyone who knows me knows this is very much out of my wheel house. The only reason I even considered it is because the main character is gay, and lord knows that’s a good enough reason to watch nearly anything. We watched “The Half of It” on Netflix which we both thoroughly enjoyed. We gasped, we laughed, we looked knowingly at each other at moments that felt all too familiar. As usual I couldn’t keep quiet, but for now my love still enjoys the witty commentary. During the movie she made an off handed comment I was like one of the characters, she won’t tell me which one, nor why. I love her very much. I hope she knows that. I hope we enjoy many more movies together.

before forever (pt.1)

My girlfriend sleeps soundly on the other end of a face call, instagram’s bootleg version of facetime. She doesn’t mute herself tonight. In an effort to keep up the silent contract that states ‘ it is rude to be on mute if the other caller isn’t ‘ I choose the quieter activity of searching the web, as I know I can’t contain my laughter when watching netflix. I scroll through pinterest and imagine how these evenings will play out in person. I love her very much. I hope she knows this. I hope she sleeps well

ugh

what do you do when you can’t express how you feel? I feel like no matter what I do, writing, drawing, screaming, I can’t get it out. I used to be so good at bottling, at suppressing and ignoring everything I didn’t want to feel, but now I feel like all I do is cry. And it’s not achieving anything, and its not expressing anything, and it doesn’t feel like relief...it feels like a humiliating chore. I’ve gone soft without the luxury of being treated gently, it seems all I do now is bruise easy.

Merry Crisis

Merry Crisis to me and all who are also slowly dying of existential dread, I wish you all a goodnight’s rest and the good tunes to block out some of that existential blues™

I hate essays

I enrolled in the DRAMA program in university so I WOULDN’T have to write essays, AND YET HERE I AM, WRITING ESSAYS >:(((