Xenoblade Chronicles 2 (Nintendo Switch) Review

Xenoblade Chronicles 2 (Nintendo Switch) Review

Xenoblade Chronicles 2 will inevitably be, and indeed has been since release, a divisive game even among people who like gaming, and even among people who like this specific genre of gaming (JRPGs). So imperfect is Xenoblade Chronicles 2 that even the most forgiving of critics cannot possibly review this game without making mention of the numerous issues that litter the game – the excesses of its overwhelmingly complicated gameplay, the poorly-designed map system (even after a recent patch has improved it), the horrifying deluge of battle dialogue, and the numerous technical issues surrounding graphical resolution and frame rate, especially in handheld mode, and all this is not even mentioning the numerous subjective issues that many gamers will no doubt have when it comes to certain design choices, such as the clearly anime-inspired art style and writing. And indeed, a quick glance at the critical consensus surrounding this game would suggest that it is a far cry from its decorated predecessor on the Wii.

And yet for me, Xenoblade Chronicles 2 is a miracle. It is a miracle that may perhaps be specific to me and my tastes, but the fact remains that it is a miracle – one that, for me, completely outdoes its predecessor in every way imaginable.

I do not have the luxury of time to write a review as long as the one I wrote for Persona 5, unfortunately, and therefore, I shall not delve too deeply into Xenoblade Chronicles 2’s gameplay. Suffice it to say that this is not a game for everybody, and there will be people who justifiably hate the gameplay. The game is massive, and I truly mean massive, in a way that can be extremely and perhaps even unnecessarily overwhelming – as a rough scale, it took me 136 hours to finish the game, and I don’t believe I’ve completed much more than half of the content that the game offers. Combat is difficult to describe, being action-based without being completely action-based, and is sure to polarise some gamers as well. Character progression too is overwhelmingly complicated, especially when considering that there are numerous Rare Blades in the game, each of which have different progression sequences and requirements. The randomised manner of obtaining Rare Blades can be frustrating, and is sure to be a point of contention for some gamers as well.

A reviewer who spends an entire paragraph describing the ways in which a game’s gameplay could potentially be hated surely can’t think too highly of the game – and yet I absolutely found Xenoblade Chronicles 2 to be a blast to play. I found combat to be adrenaline-inducing and exhilarating, I found it incredibly rewarding to obtain the huge diversity of Rare Blades available and experimenting with using different ones, I found it empowering to feel myself getting better and better at the game (despite how ridiculously and perhaps needlessly complex it can be), and, well, I willingly spent 136 hours playing this game, which should speak volumes as to how much I enjoyed the game.

There is much more that can be said about the gameplay that I’ve skimmed over in order to keep this review as short as possible. In a lot of ways, my adoration of Xenoblade Chronicles 2 stem from reasons – or the lack of reasons – that reside within my heart. If you happen to be reading this review for an objective rundown of the game and a critical look at the ways in which it succeeds or fails, this is perhaps not the best review to be reading, for this is ultimately a review that comes from my heart:

I love Xenoblade Chronicles 2.

I love how every fibre of its existence oozes with the stylistic essence of Japanese animes – from its art style, its character designs, its humour, to its storyline. I love how polished the Japanese voice acting is, and how exceedingly well the voice actors and actresses lend themselves to imbuing life into each and every character in the game (though it’s a pity that much of the field dialogue goes un-subtitled). I love the quality of its animated cutscenes and how boldly, confidently, and stylishly they can stretch on for extended periods of time, scintillating proudly the sheer intensity of its numerous moments of bloodcurdling battles or otherwise expanding upon the plot with lengthy conversations, or otherwise simply giving me a good chuckle with its many moments of lighthearted humour. Lengthy cutscenes that focus solely on exposition and narrative are becoming increasingly rare in videogames these days, which tend to be more to-the-point and punchy in order to focus on game-play, and I deeply love how Xenoblade Chronicles 2 defies this convention and is completely unashamed with its use of lengthy cutscenes to tell its story, a style of video-game storytelling reminiscent of early JRPGs. I love Japanese Role-Playing Games, and I love how quintessentially Japanese Xenoblade Chronicles 2 is.

I love how fantastically fascinating and fascinatingly fantastical the world of Alrest is, with its endless sea of clouds, and habitats that take the form of numerous different Titans, each of which has their own landscapes and climates. I love how organic the world of Alrest feels, and I love how breathtaking it can be to take in the many scenic sights of Alrest while exploring its many nooks and crannies by going off the beaten path and simply exploring. I love that this is a world of fantasy so rich with imaginativeness and unexpected revelations, and I love that there are so many secrets to be uncovered about this world, both within and outside of its main story. I love that this is a world full of beauty and yet full of underlying strife and darkness as well. And I love that all this is accompanied by an orchestral soundtrack that can only be described as divine.

Above all, I love Xenoblade Chronicles 2 because of how much I love its characters and the journey they embark on together. At so many times, Xenoblade Chronicles 2 made me broke out in hearty laughter with its unrealistic, over-the-top, and blatantly Japanese humour, which injected a strong dose of joyful lightheartedness into its plot. Yet, this lightheartedness betrays little of the numerous emotional scenes which roused tears from my eyes and wrenched my heart. With these characters and the 136-hour-long journey I embarked along their side, I experienced an adventure characterised by an entire spectrum of emotions – with them I laughed my heart out and had fun, with them I felt anger and indignant at the deeds of our adversaries, with them my heart broke and I cried along their side when all seemed to be lost, and with them I fell in love. To venture too much further into how much I love each and every character of the game would perhaps betray too much information as to the game’s intricate plot and its character development, which are decorated with numerous twists and turns and revelations that kept me compelled for the entire length of its narrative. I love that, fundamentally, Xenoblade Chronicles 2 tells a beautiful love story situated within the context of a fantasy world and plot – full of the clichés one might expect of a love story, and yet also offering so, so, so much more than that.

Xenoblade Chronicles 2 is, for me, a miracle, because many of the reasons why I love it are ostensibly reasons that could have led someone else to hate or at least to dislike it. It is unabashedly anime-inspired in its tone and its aesthetics, it is an emotional, compelling and occasionally clichéd love story but it is also far more than just that, and it is as JRPG as a JRPG can be. It is therefore a miracle for me because I happen to really like anime, JRPGs, and I also have a soft spot for sappy love stories – Xenoblade Chronicles 2 is thus precisely the kind of game I’ve always wanted to play, and to be given this game near the end of one of the best gaming years ever is itself a miracle.

Up until the very end, I cannot help but notice the imperfections peeking out of the corners of this game. They mar the experience not insubstantially, and there are indeed a great many ways that this could have been a better game. At the same time, however, as the game built up to its ultimate ending scene, the tears that welled up in my eyes made it clear how endeared I had become to this game, its world, and the characters in it. In these 136 hours, I too, along with these characters, had made memories I do not ever want to forget.

Gameplay score: A Storyline score: A Characters score: A+ Aesthetics score: A- Enjoyment score: A+

Overall Xenoblade Chronicles 2 score: 95/100

Xenoblade Chronicles 2 is not a game for everybody. I acknowledge that, I recognise that it is heavily flawed, and I respect that not everyone will adore this game the way I did. However, if someone out there happens to stumble upon this review, happens to have too much time and therefore to read the review of a random insignificant Internet stranger, and happens to resonate with my narrative of how much I love this game and why I love it, and thereafter happens to buy this game and happens to love it as much as I did, then I would feel as if I have done this miraculous little gem of a game a great service.

P.S. I absolutely love Pyra and Mythra.

Persona 5 (PS4) Review

Persona 5 (PS4) Review

I am by no means an old man, by no means even approaching what might begin to be considered ‘aged’. By many standards, I am at an age that might even be considered the prime of a person’s life, though I shudder to imagine what awaits me on the road I have ahead of me if this were truly to be my prime. I dare not presume to have undergone any great tragedy, and I dare not presume to have had any exceptional experiences or circumstances that might set me apart from the rest of my contemporaries, but even so, life has worn me down. This labyrinthine maze of life has beset me with dead ends, with hopeful alleyways that purport to lead to the light, only to plunge me further into heartbreak, and with whole strings of trials that, slowly but surely, have stolen the willpower away from my limbs. Now they move without truly meaning to move, just so that the necessary motions and repetitions of life can be performed, and the duties and exigencies of life satisfactorily appeased. And long before I realised it, my heart, once fiery with passion, had already become crusted with ennui. I was alive, but only perfunctorily, and I had begun to view the world with lenses that dimmed even the most resplendent of colours.

It was within this context that I stepped into the shoes of Persona 5’s bespectacled protagonist, in whom I instantly found myself pursued by unknown assailants, eventually culminating in my capture and brutal physical treatment. In a brilliant stroke of storytelling that immediately established the game’s premises and tension, Persona 5 began its narrative straight in the heart of the story’s climax before going back in time, where I found myself thrusted onto the foreign streets of Yongenjaya, a fictional street within Tokyo, and put under criminal probation for a crime I did not commit. To make matters worse, I was put under the care of a gruff and unfriendly middle-aged man who appeared to care little for my existence, content simply to leave me a dilapidated and squalid storeroom at the back of his café as my living quarters for the coming year. Right from the onset, Persona 5 is completely unwelcoming, making me feel indignant, lost, and quite alone—unlike Persona 4, whose general radiance and happiness was rather infectiously pleasing. Over at Shujin High, the only school that was willing to take me in considering my criminal record, things would scarcely have been better, were it not for a coincidental meeting with a loudmouthed delinquent, Ryuji Sakamoto, with whom I made my first journey to the school, only to realise the school is… a castle? Venturing further, things got even weirder when we realised that the castle’s king was none other than one of the school’s particularly obnoxious teachers, whose disturbingly scanty attire was far from kingly, and who even attempted to execute the two of us. The icing on this cake of utter weirdness is: there’s even a talking cat!

Thus, with what is undoubtedly the series’ most competent opening hours to date, Persona 5 stole my attention and my heart right from the very beginning. The initial stretch that subsequently follows was a little bit of a slow burn, as the game took its time settling me into its world, explaining its mechanics, and expounding on the rules that govern the parallel reality that takes centre stage in the game—the metaverse, or the cognitive world. In what felt like no time at all, however, I had fully eased myself into the game’s rhythms, living a picaresque, over-the-top, and dazzlingly spectacular double life as both a high school student and the leader of the phantom thieves of hearts. Even more so than any other game, Persona 5 is truly a fantasy based on reality. Those familiar with Persona 3 and 4 will already know about Persona 5’s social simulation aspects—like any typical high school student (though in Persona 5’s case, I was far from typical, being an alienated ‘criminal’ with no lack of nasty rumours surrounding my existence), I had to manage the demands of school, answering tough questions posed by teachers as well as sit for tough examinations.

While the game doesn’t reinvent the formula that has been staple to the series since its third iteration, Persona 5 pushes that formula to its absolute limits, giving far more activities to indulge in than ever before, as well as far more free time to indulge in these activities. There are entire arrays of possible activities I could spend my time on, including studying at the school library while enduring the uneasy glares and stares of my fellow schoolmates, catching the latest movie blockbuster at the cinema, or working on a part-time job to earn some extra allowance, just to name a limited few. This overwhelming sense of choice, while at times slightly restrictive (when the game, for plot reasons, prevented me from pursuing them) and overbearing (because there was simply so much to do), felt at the same time highly empowering and truly made the experience come alive—this was my life, and I had almost complete say in how I wanted to live it. Making these activities even more rewarding, in a very practical sense, is that many of them allowed me to improve on several of five personal attributes: Charm, Knowledge, Guts, Proficiency and Kindness, each of which may be required at specified ranks in order to progress further in my relationship with various characters in the game.

Indeed, much like its predecessors, the social link system—which was exactly what made Persona 3 and 4 such outstanding games that far surpassed their contemporaries—returns in Persona 5 under the name ‘Confidants’: a fitting name, considering Persona 5’s theme of underground phantom thievery. And again, while Persona 5 doesn’t make any major reinventions, it pushes that concept to its absolute limits. New to Persona 5 is the ability to hang out with several of the characters at various hangout spots, such as a museum, a popular shopping district, a theme park, or even a ramen place, all of which made the experience of friendship feel even more realistic than they have ever been before. Social interactions in the game are thematically as endearing as they have always been in the series, allowing me to form intimate bonds—both platonic and eventually romantic as well—with a diverse cast of characters, including my gruff and unfriendly guardian, a disgraced politician, as well as a troubled—and more than a little shady—doctor, just to name several.

Each of these were realistic and heartfelt windows into human experience, and Persona 5 did an utterly excellent job in endearing me to each of these characters, even those who were peripheral to the main story. Reaching the utmost ranks for each of these characters were intensely genuine and heartwarming experiences, as the game simulates a sense of mutual support so human and so emotionally authentic that momentarily, even my crusted heart felt warmth. More so than previous games, Confidants in Persona 5 are rewarding not just thematically, but practically as well, as improving my bonds with various characters also netted me many useful skills, including discounts for medicine, extra free time, and additional options that were useful in battle.

One might, at first glance, be tempted to think that a game built around the mundane motions of everyday life, for which most of us—myself certainly included—have had far more than enough of, couldn’t possibly be all that interesting. Yet, it simply is. One of Persona 5’s (as well as its predecessors’, for that matter) greatest accomplishments is that it imbues the inane with depth and meaning; it embellishes the dreary with so much colour and liveliness that there is no greater praise I can shower it than this: it allowed me to live a life so replete with excitement, meaning, purpose, and belonging, one that I’ve always wished I could live in reality. Part of how it accomplishes this is the perfect balance it strikes between fantasy and reality. When I wasn’t busy living life as most high school students do, I was meeting my team-mates, planning our next move as the phantom thieves of hearts, and venturing into the cognitive world in order to perform our next big heist. A little background is in order here: the phantom thieves of hearts have the ability to enter the cognitive worlds of those who have developed distorted desires, where these desires could be ‘stolen’ by stealing the treasures within these worlds. Much of the story of Persona 5 thus plays out episodically, as the phantom thieves of hearts embark on their mission to steal the distorted desires of corrupted adults, thus enacting their sense of justice within what they perceived to be a world ruled over by evil and unsavoury adults.

Unlike the randomly generated dungeons of its predecessors, Persona 5’s dungeons—known as Palaces—are handcrafted, and in this respect, there is no word I know in the English language sufficient to describe how utterly Persona 5 surpasses its predecessors in this regard, for the Palaces of Persona 5 are so exceedingly well-designed. Far more than could be said for Tartarus or the TV World, Persona 5’s palace designs are psychologically nuanced and each of them are brilliantly designed, with fascinating and poignantly symbolic themes of their own. From the castle that is the first palace to various excellent themes such as a museum as well as an Egyptian tomb, every palace is a unique and refreshing experience with puzzles befitting their respective themes, and each palace almost invariably outdoes the previous, making the game an almost unstoppable upward trajectory of wonder and thrill. The randomly-generated dungeons of Persona 3 and 4 still make a return in the form of Mementos, a side-quest dungeon which, albeit nowhere as impressive as the Palaces, makes for decent fun and exploration as well, providing an often appreciable change of pace during periods of the game where there’s little to do except the activities of daily life. Indeed, Mementos itself becomes crucial to the game’s story later in the game as well, making it worthwhile to explore its menacing and foreboding passageways.

Persona 5’s core gameplay is, again, not a major reinvention of its predecessors, but it pushes the mechanics of its predecessors to their absolute limits, in what is quite possibly the most excellent turn-based combat system to have ever graced any game. The elemental system of Persona 3 and 4 is deepened in Persona 5 with the addition of elements that were absent from those games, including Psi and Nuke, as well as new skills within existing elements, such as Eiga (curse) and Kouga (light). Combat is balanced excellently with just the right amount of challenge, and made even more exhilarating due to the slickness and intuitiveness of the commands, topped off by combat animations which are breathtakingly stylish and battle soundtracks that are spirited and invigorating. Demon negotiation, a staple of the Shin Megami Tensei series, returns in Persona 5, allowing an additional and often interesting way to gain new Personas, deepening the system even further. Persona fusion returns as well, and is, much like its predecessors, an exciting and highly rewarding mechanic that I spent hours on in order to obtain stronger Personas which were extremely useful to progressing through the game as Palaces got more and more challenging—though never too challenging, as the game always maintained a perfect balance that never felt as if it were being overly unforgiving, nor excessively easy.

True to its predecessors, Persona 5’s narrative is an accomplishment that far surpasses the vast majority of games today. Neither as morbidly gloomy as Persona 3 was, nor as beaming and bright as Persona 4 was, Persona 5 instead achieves an impeccable blend of its predecessors’ tones, being unafraid of venturing into taboo topics such as sexual abuse and suicide, among others, but without ever coming across as being excessively pessimistic and suffocating either. While the game does suffer from some pacing issues that dilute its core themes, especially towards its final stretch—which had unfortunately lost some of its otherwise immaculate momentum— it remains the case that Persona 5’s overall story is executed to overwhelming competence. Each episode in Persona 5 builds upon and reinforces the previous, and are all ultimately strung together in a coherent, epic, captivating and ceaselessly enjoyable narrative that builds climatically towards a beautiful conclusion.

So excellently written and balanced are its many aspects that the 97-hour-long narrative never quite felt as long as it actually was, remaining consistently rewarding almost throughout its entire duration, being full of bloodcurdling and anger-inducing moments of tension interspersed masterfully with numerous affectionate moments of light-hearted humour, and the warmth of feeling together with people whom I dearly loved, and who in turn dearly loved me. Whether it be the loud and occasionally annoying but absolutely brotherly Ryuji, the eccentric but often unintentionally hilarious Yusuke, the playful and delightfully dear Morgana, the sexy and slightly dense but absolutely earnest Ann, the clumsy but cute and sincere Haru, the immensely admirable and beautiful student council president Makoto, or the adorably quirky and utterly loveable Futaba, by the end of the game they were not just my teammates, not even just my friends—they had become family.

Whereas Persona 3 dealt with death and Persona 4 dealt with truth, Persona 5’s core theme is social reform, and liberation from the sense of being suffocated and trapped under the weight of injustice and helplessness within an unfair society. True to its theme, what truly defined Persona 5 and solidified its belonging to a class of its own is simply how incredibly empowering it felt. Playing Persona 5 felt like I was finally given the opportunity to be living a life overflowing with colour and excitement, brimming with meaning and purpose, and above all, replete with what truly and genuinely being alive felt like. Persona 5 put me into the position of someone who had borne the brunt of societal injustice, being powerless against the machinations of those who hold authority and power—a position eerily reminiscent of many experiences that would characterise reality. What distinguishes Persona 5 is that it actually gave me the power to fight back, and it is simply so, so, so dizzyingly breathtaking and liberating to be part of the phantom thieves of hearts. To further top that all off, the groovy and lively music in Persona 5 is so impossibly good that it’s nigh unimaginable that anything could ever surpass such astounding perfection in videogame music composition, and the game’s sense of stylishness is so mesmerising that no scale on earth could possibly suffice to quantify just how stylish Persona 5 is.

Though Persona 5 has elevated the series’ formula to damn near absolute perfection, it doesn’t quite make any major reinventions, and it is by no means particularly revolutionary or life-changing in the sense that The Last Of Us was for me. It is by no means flawless either, its most major flaw being the fact that its quality ultimately wavered—albeit only slightly—towards its final stretch, when it should have been at its unparalleled best. Who I am now is a vastly different person from who I was when I played Persona 4 Golden and awarded it a perfect score. I’ve become ever more of a jaded and tired man, and my heart has become the perpetual victim of a constant pang of malaise that just won’t go away, and even fiction as peerlessly and endearingly written as Persona 5 cannot cure the ills of reality.

Yet, as this tale of rebellion and liberation waded irrevocably towards its conclusion, the reality that I had truly and genuinely approached the ending of a game that never quite felt as long as it really was, and that never quite felt as if it really could end that soon, if ever at all, began to sink in. The dingy storeroom at the back of the café that once was the embodiment of how dire and hopeless my circumstances were had become a home I didn’t want to leave. The guardian towards whom I initially felt little but contempt and aversion had become an irreplaceably dear fatherly figure. The friends—the family—I made over the course of the game’s one year had become ineluctably imprinted in my heart. And even now, when I listen to the uplifting and inspiring rhythm of ‘Life Will Change’, I feel the same stir of emotions that never failed to rouse my heart whenever the phantom thieves had come to take yet another heart, and I find myself with the hint of a wonder in my mind, as to whether maybe, just maybe… life really will change. Persona 5 gave me the ability to take the hearts of those who would oppress society, but ultimately, perhaps the heart that really was taken was none other than my own.

Gameplay score: A Storyline score: A+ Characters score: A+ Aesthetics score: A+ Enjoyment score: A+

Overall Persona 5 score: 100/100

Note: All illustrations used in this review are sourced from Google.

Is Persona 5 better than Persona 3 and Persona 4 Golden? Unfortunately, I can’t make that call. In a huge number of ways, Persona 5 has absolutely outdone its predecessors, but I’d hesitate to claim that Persona 5 has completely left them behind. I would credit Persona 3’s overall story as being the series’ best, and Persona 4 Golden as having the best characters, whereas Persona 5’s overall presentation and execution across a variety of areas is what makes it stand out. Ultimately, Persona 5 doesn’t invalidate its predecessors, it joins their ranks as yet another instalment of one of my most cherished series ever. Persona 5 is not life-changing like The Last Of Us, and it may not be—if I’m being strictly objective—truly deserving of a perfect score, but I can’t imagine giving it anything but the perfect score that the heart it has stolen so dearly wants to give it. Thus, there we have it—my fourth perfect score ever, awarded to Persona 5.

Upcoming Games

This blog is as good as dead, so don’t mind me. I’m just noting down a bunch of games I might be interested in, just in case I forget.

1. Yakuza 0 (PS4) - 24th Jan 2017

2. Tales of Berseria (PS4) - 24th Jan 2017

3. Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 4: Road to Boruto (PS4) - 3rd February 2017

4. Horizon: Zero Dawn (PS4) - 28th February 2017

5. Persona 5 (PS4) - 4th April 2017

6. Story of Seasons: Trio of Towns (3DS) - 2017

7. Final Fantasy XII: The Zodiac Age (PS4) - 2017

8. Uncharted: The Lost Legacy (PS4) - 2017

9. Red Dead Redemption 2 (PS4) - 2017

10. Final Fantasy VII Remake (PS4) - TBC

11. God Of War (PS4) - TBC

12. Spider-Man (PS4) - TBC

13. The Last Of Us Part II (PS4) - TBC

14. Death Stranding (PS4) - TBC

15. Kingdom Hearts III (PS4) - TBC

I might have forgotten something, but eh, I’ll update it if I remember.

I have no one left to turn to.

A silent grey looms overhead. The wind warns gently. The land is devastated by the storm that has seemingly passed, but it has not. It remains in the atmosphere, asserting its presence with the occasional tremor, threatening to tear the world asunder again at any moment. I keep on walking, keep on dragging my baggage along with me. Occasionally, a few rays of light seep through the opaque shadows of the horizon, bewitching me towards it. But each time the darkness snuffs them out. I keep on walking anyway, for there is no other path open to me. I look towards the horizon and keep on walking, seeking the light that does not exist.

This blog is kind of a failure. 

I had shifted from my old blog for the express purpose of having a less depressing blog with meaningful content that could potentially reach out to a larger audience (in hindsight, I have no idea what a ‘larger audience’ even means, since I have virtually no one to share this blog with). One and a half years on, this blog is about as depressing as my old one was.

And despite all my efforts to the contrary, I’m sitting here about to type a depressing post again. Except I’m not going to type it all out because I don’t have the luxury of time to be sitting around and moping.

I need to keep going, even if I’m on my own.

We’re all afraid, you know... to get up on stage. Maybe you’ll mess up. Maybe they’ll totally reject you. Even so, you grit your teeth and get up on stage anyway. Something compels us… moves us to play music.

Kaori Miyazono, Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso

So ephemeral and weak. But its shining with all its might. Thump, Thump, like a heartbeat. This is the light of life.

Kaori Miyazono, Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso

Things haven’t gone as well as I would like them to.

My resolve has wavered, and I do not quite feel up to anything. I do know, to some extent, how I should proceed forward, at least in the short term. But I cannot find it in my heart to. I cannot find the strength to press on. Often it just seems as if it’s pointless no matter what I do.

I have not forgotten my promise in my previous post. I am weary and shaken, but I have not given up. I mentioned that having holidays would likely prove to be a trial for me. I do not know whether it is a trial that I have passed, but I doubt it. What I said in my previous post stands, though.

Hang in there, Vincent.

Such a cruel boy. Telling me to dream one more time. I thought I was satisfied because my dream had come true... And I'd told myself it was enough... Yet here you are, watering this withered heart again.

Kaori Miyazono, Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso

Isn't it funny how the most unforgettable scenes can be so trivial?

Kousei Arima, Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso

The moment I met you, my life changed. Everything I saw, everything I heard, everything I felt - all the scenery around me started to take on colour.

Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso

:)

This is probably the first positive post here, and hopefully it won’t be the last.

Of course, the nature of blogging tends to be out of a need to express. And often, negative emotions beg to be expressed much more than positive emotions do. So, naturally, blogs may over-represent the amount of negativity one experiences. Nevertheless, one of the reasons I made this blog last year was to have a new start; to stop having such a depressing blog. It ended up depressing after all, but I never meant for it to be depressing. I think at last, I’m making some progress, even if just a little bit.

When the previous two semesters ended, I blogged about them, labelling them ‘liberated without liberation.’ I’ll change my tune this time around. I think this was a pretty great semester. I shan’t go into specific details, but PL2132 was definitely the best part of the semester. :)

For a long time, I’ve always tended towards sadness and passivity. Self-deprecation, inadequacy, bitterness, anxiety… I am well-acquainted with them. For a long time, I’ve been trying to move away from them, often with limited success. But I’ll keep trying.

Trying. That is the major point of this post – that I’ll keep trying. And I’ve made progress too, at least for the past month. I’m going to try to accept myself for who I am and stop undermining myself. I’m going to try to live for myself, and smile more. I’m going to keep moving ahead, even if the circumstances are unkind to me. I’m going to keep smiling. For myself. Of course, there’s no way that I can do a 180 degree flip and completely reverse 22 years of who I am. The point is not to do that – it’s not possible, even if I want to. But I’ll do what I can. Besides, not everything about who I am is bad. I have my strengths (this is probably the first time I’ve ever said something like this on this blog), even though there’s much that I could improve upon.

I’m still very passive, although I’m trying to be just a little more proactive (it’s really hard, though). Anxiety also continues to be difficult to deal with, and I’m sure the myriad of negative emotions that have troubled me over the years will come back to haunt me again some time. I’m not making a commitment to never feel sad, bitter, anxious and dejected again. Uncertainties continue to plague the future. I’m still frightened – really, really frightened – of a lot of things. I’m still scared of being alone. But these are a part of life, I guess, and I’m going to keep struggling: against them, and in spite of them. The commitment I’m making to myself is not to have no pain ever again, but to keep fighting and to keep going and to keep smiling.

Holidays have begun, and true to my word, I am going to try to enjoy it and be more proactive (although only in very slight ways because I’m not really capable of much more at this point). I’ve had a love-hate relationship with holidays. The freedom is certainly enjoyable and much needed, and I still love gaming so that’s something I’d get to do. But I’m almost always alone during the holidays. And like I said, I’m still afraid of being alone. Those demons I spoke of tend to haunt me especially intensely when I’m left alone to my own devices. So, this will perhaps be a test of sorts (ironically, since holidays are meant to be breaks from the tests). But I think I’ll be okay, even if I’m on my own. :)

There will probably be some days when it hurts too much to keep going, when all these words that I am writing now fade from my mind due to the pain. The human heart and mind is forgetful, after all, so I say this to my future self, in case you should have the sudden whim of reading old blog posts, as I sometimes do. I hope you’d have made even more progress than the little baby steps I’ve taken today. It’ll be really, really great if that were to be the case. But if you happen to have regressed and fallen down again, I hope this post reminds you of this commitment. Even if you happen to have no one around to help you out, even if the circumstances are really unkind to you, I really hope you’d find the strength to stand back up again. Keep struggling, keep fighting, and above all, keep smiling!

PS: To the one who inspired me so dearly, thank you so, so much. I daren’t ask for more. :)

You’re so merciless. No matter what I see, I’m reminded of you. You really have no mercy. Even the you that’s here inside of me. You won’t let me give up.

Kousei Arima, Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso

She moves me. With such power, like the pounding of my heart. I can hear your sound. You’re here.

Kousei Arima, Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso

Whether you’re sad, you’re a mess, or you’ve hit rock bottom, you still have to play! That’s how people like us survive.

Kaori Miyazono, Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso

When you’re in love with somebody, everything looks colorful.

Tsubaki Sawabe, Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso