it's been a really long time since the last time i posted anything on this blog. like, really long. 2023 i think. maybe i should do an update but i have other things in my mind right now and i need to write them down just to clear my head.

topics -- self esteem issues, my relationship, college.

self esteem issues: i have let myself go. i don't even know what to say other than that. i'm very aware that i have a troubled relationship with food and weight in general, but it's been hitting me really hard lately; not because i've been restricting but the opposite. since i'm stressed i look for comfort in food and i can feel my belly growing bigger and my clothes feeling smaller. i'm getting so much fatter and i can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore. it's so fucking disgusting. but i can't stop eating, it's all i ever do. it's just so comforting, until i'm done eating and the realizations sets in and i wanna die. it's affecting my social anxiety as well, since i feel disgusting and look disgusting i obviously don't want anyone to see how bad i look. anytime i'm out i'm sure everyone can tell that i look a lot fatter than i used to and that i'm disgusting. i don't even wanna weigh myself in fear of the numbers that it might show me. god. anyway. that's topic one.

my relationship: my ex and i got back together. maybe some day i'll make a whole post about it but for now that's it. my attachment issues have resurrected because of it. i don't wanna blame the relationship in itself, but i did feel a shift in my mental health as soon as we went back together. we've been together almost a month now and things changed rather quickly. as time goes on he is getting more and more used to being with me and he's becoming less romantic. i'm aware that relationships lowkey work like that, you get used to the person but it doesn't mean you love them less. but i'm not like that at all, i think. i think about him all the fucking time even after a month and i wanna tell him i love him all the time and how pretty he is and all of that, and the only thing stopping me is that i think it would annoy him. i feel like it's unfair in some way, he started being so sweet and attentive with me and making me feel loved just to drop the act in like two weeks and now i can't even complain cuz he is "too busy". weren't you "too busy" two weeks ago too? it's not like you got a new job or promotion, you're doing the same thing but two weeks ago you'd take a minute to text me how much you miss me and now you simply don't. AND I KNOW! I KNOW THIS IS SUCH A NON-ISSUE! but that's what i mean, the attachment issues. if i wasn't so emotionally invested in every single little thing, if my entire mood didn't depend on three words written in a message app, then i would be absolutely fine. but i care, i care so fucking much and i feel so abandoned all the time. and i've been crying so much. and i'm putting too much pressure on him and i can't stop thinking that he's gonna dump me any day now. which, fair enough, but I CANNOT STOP. ugh.

college: i'm in college now and i'm a failure. i had never expected to be this bad at studying and it's affecting my pride so much. i can't focus for shit and i procrastinate so much it's embarrassing. i don't even know why i thought i could do this. i have my first real exam tomorrow and i am not ready at all and i can't study. i don't know what am i going to do. it's crazy.

i've been so angry at myself for all of these reasons that i am genuinely thinking of cutting again. i just can't take it. i don't wanna disappoint anyone, least of all my therapist (the only person i wouldn't be able to lie to) but i don't know what to do. i am so fucking angry that i can't do anything right and i'm fucking my own life up: my weight, my relationship, my career, i can't do it right. i feel like i do deserve the punishment.

but you know, that's my mental health for you.

i write in shadow ink a bunch of words that should describe me faithfully, those adjectives you use on me to make my soul ache less. but when the sun comes up and the light finally touches my face, i can't see the ink at all. i only see things i hate. i'll look away from the mirror, i'll stay back and hide from everyone else. if we get to meet, my love, i beg for it to be at night, i beg that your eyes are closed to keep my fears at bay.

you're choosing to save me from a house fire. and even if i'm asking you to leave and save yourself, you don't, you still try to grab my hand or pick me up. this is where i'm meant to be, i tell you. you refuse to hear me.

but if you did, how much better would it be for me? i know the fire would burn me alive. but if you stay, it'd kill us both. i don't blame you, you tell me. you haven't seen the matches in my pocket.

and even as the fire is consuming us, i'm hopeful. i know you cannot bear this, i know you'll eventually leave when your survival instincts kick in. and i'll die alone, the way i was supposed to. i'll die in pain watching you go; understanding that it was the best choice for you, but hurt that my love wasn't worth to die for.

i'd do anything for you. your love would be worth dying for. it seems, i'd do anything but stop. because somehow i still find myself liting the house on fire.

i couldn't help myself, i tell you.

i don't blame you, you answer, let's leave.

but this is my house and my fire, and i started it and i should die with it. you can leave so i can hate you for leaving, and i can hate myself even more for making you leave. luckily my hate will die with me, and our life span will be short enough for both of us to be forgotten.

had the craziest night. cried a lot, i wanted to get back with my ex for some reason, i was ready to text him and tell him how i felt but he fell asleep before i said anything, i told my friend what i wanted to do and she freaked out, i also got wine drunk, and didn't sleep until 4am.

today i walked my dog and i feel like life is wonderful

i wanna get back with my ex. i'm about to hit him with the PLEAAASEEE PLEAAASEEE PLEAASE PLEAAASEEE PLEAASE PLEASEEE PLEAASEE PLEEASEE PLEAASE PLEAAASEEE PLEAAASEEE PLEAASE PLEAAASEEE PLEAASE PLEASEEE PLEAASEE PLEEASEE PLEASE PLEAAASEEE PLEAAASEEE PLEAASE PLEAAASEEE PLEAASE PLEASEEE PLEAASEE PLEEASEE PLEAASE

i want to sabotage my progress. i have to get worse. i'm in a fucking mental health limbo. i need to stop taking my medication, ghost my therapist and psychiatrist. ghost my friends and isolate myself from my family. i want to die. i need to die. will a drinking binge cure me? lol

i say i don't believe in soulmates but i simply can't ignore the ache in my heart, that certainty that there is a half of me somewhere and i'm meant to be loved the way i love. the heart can say whatever it wants, though, but won't convince my head that it's worth waiting for that kind of miracle. logic tells me that it isn't plausible. statistics show me that i'm not lovable. so why am i still waiting? why do i look out the window and cry for them, asking again and again "where are you"? stupid, stupid heart. accept your fate. i'm tired of crying.

take your meds (a cautionary tale)

medication is truly wild. being mentally ill is weird as hell too.

i mean i read and hear a lot about bpd and i know it's a mental illness but at the end of the day i'm just like yeah bpd makes me a little silly. just a little bit. but i'm just like everyone else. i tend to forget that it's literally an illness a chemical imbalance and all that.

before i took my current medication (lithium) i was struggling with very strong suicidal thoughts. i was in the planning phase and i couldnt go to sleep without thinking or dreaming on how i would do it. and when i started taking it that changed a bit.

lithium didn't get rid of those thoughts, i still thought that i could kill myself and it's a comforting idea but i stopped the planning and the thoughts weren't as heavy as before. but it doesn't feel like healing, you know? it doesn't feel like mental illness either it just feels like it was an obsession that i kind of got over

so to me, even if i know that the medication is helpful, it doesn't feel like it because i never truly pin pointed my betterment to the medication. so, it wouldn't be such a big deal if i didn't take it for a couple of days, right?

i'm out of my psychiatrist office, walking to the bus stop and i see on my way a trashbag FILLED with pills. full boxes of different medications I've never even heard of. truly i had never seen more pills in my life. it's right on the sidewalk. and the thought comes to mind to just take it, go to the nearby beach and od there. if they're throwing them away they're probably not in good condition but who cares i'm not trying to heal my booboos.

and i walk a couple more steps but i can't leave because my way out of life is right there. it's time. and i hear my own mind going crazy and im just on the sidewalk, and i start sobbing because i asked my mom to come with me to the appointment but she said no and she will always feel guilty for my death, for not coming with me. but it's time. and i'll get to see the beach one last time.

but there's also that side that's going you have to call someone. you can't do this to your mom, to your whole family. but who can you call? what if i call my mom and she drives here and she rushes so much she crashes? i could call my ex but he's so done with me i can't stress him out. i could call my best friend but she lives in another country so what can she do. you can't burden anyone with this, but you can't kill yourself yet. not yet.

so i walk a little more and i keep walking, sobbing, probably making every stranger around me so uncomfortable. but i keep walking and crying until i'm far away and i start to feel a bit better even if the idea of going back is appealing.

and now i'm on the bus. and i don't understand how those thoughts can rush back to me in only three days of not taking my medication. i know i'm mentally ill but i also forget what that means, i'm young and lucky enough to not have needed medication until now, and it's so crazy to me that it feels like i cannot control my own mind.

i feel like i should be able to control symtomps, but i can't. that's what lithium is for.

anyway.

what if i just kill myself

why can't i stay in bed forever? why can't sleep until my bones mix with my bedsheets? i am so tired all the time and my brain fog won't let me remember when was the last time i did something to warrant this exhaustion

the suicidal thoughts are coming back lately. which sucks cuz it's sunny outside. sounds dumb but i thought these feelings would stop once summer came, like seasonal depression. but no, theyre still here.

i just lay on bed and think this isn't going to get better. i'm never gonna get better. because i simply don't give a fuck. i don't care about being alive, i don't want to exercise, i don't wanna work, i don't wanna have fun, i don't want anything. i don't wanna live this life and i don't care to have a different one. i just wanna die.

i wish i could simply die in my sleep. close my eyes and never open them again. sounds wonderful.

on a different note, i don't see why i shouldn't self harm. i feel like most reasoning people tell me is "it's bad :(". but why? why is it bad? why can't i just harm my own body? i'm not hurting anyone else. and i get that some people find it disgusting and off putting but i can hide it very well, so why would anyone care?

i don't do it because i don't want to disappoint my therapist. i don't want him to feel like he's not doing a good job cuz he's really trying with me, i'm just stupid. i do think about doing it and just lying but i don't wanna lie to him.

i miss the pain. i miss how it stung when i wore jeans. i miss pouring alcohol and how much that hurt. am i supposed to feel this way? is this even normal? i don't know. i do sometimes feel like i'm doing it wrong. i think i heard so many people when i was young saying people self harm for attention that now when i do it i wonder if that's the reason. it feels invalidating. and everytime i do it, on top of all the feelings i have that lead me to self harm, i also have this thought of "am i hurting myself enough for it to not be for attention? is this valid?". it's really weird. so these thoughts and this need of hurting myself because i miss the pain and not necessarily because i'm overwhelmed by my feelings make me feel like i'm faking it. i wonder if other people feel like this but i have no one to ask. i might ask on reddit somewhere

i really think i might be depressed. like, genuinely depressed. can you be borderline and depressed? am i just going through a phase? i don't think it matters that much. i just love having titles of what i am and what i'm going through. maybe it's an identity thing

i don't know why but this sadness feels so real. i feel like i was able to look at the whole universe and found out none of it had any meaning. and when i look into any friend's eyes i can't bring myself to share this knowledge. i can't tell them there's no point in trying anymore, i just tell them i'm not doing okay and that's it. i feel like i'm beyond help because there's absolutely nothing you can tell me that will make me believe it's worth trying. i feel utterly disgusted with life and so alone.

remember how this feels. remember turning and tossing in bed because you can't sleep until you get a text back. remember reading again and again the last texts you sent wondering if you did something wrong. what can i do to make you come back to me? why am i not interesting enough? why are you leaving me? why why why why why

he thinks you can just let go of all of this. he thinks you can put up with it. no. it's hurting me.