The shadow of whiteness

Whiteness is really a fleeting concept, that is ridiculous that we idolize it.  I mean it really makes no sense, lighter skin just means your ancestors or you spent less time in the sun and outdoors and lived in colder environments.  There is nothing noble or better about it, melanin is actually quite advantageous for survival in many ways if racism as a concept did not exist. The only reason it is more dangerous to have darker skin is because of racist hatred, and my theory is lighter skin people were just jealous of the advantages of darker skin for sun exposure and ability to withstand heat and be outdoors longer while remaining safer, and therefore demonized it to make up for their insecurity.  

Dark skin means you can be outside in the sun longer and be less likely to get sunburned, and since our ancestors didn’t have air conditioning, that was a real advantage, because who would want to be stuck inside most of the day in hot stifling weather before their was the internet just to avoid getting burned?  That sounds boring and way worse than being able to be outside exploring, hunting for food, or gathering plant medicine, or just dancing, singing and enjoying the beauty of nature.

Racism to me is based in insecurity and jealousy and the toxic way that some humans process those emotions by hating that which they are jealous of.  Hating that which makes them feel insecure and forced to face their own human fragility. There is nothing inherently more beautiful or superior in those who have less melanin, yet our world idolizes it in way too many cultures. Why do we idolize people who spent less time outside or doing physical labor, or who’s ancestors lived further from the equator? That seems completely backwards of our species survival. 

On this weekend that has both Women and Black Rights Marches going on, during the MLK weekend, let’s focus on decolonizing our minds and undoing the toxic beliefs that got implanted by the cultures many of us grew up in that idolized lightness well demonizing people with melanin rich skin.  It really is completely backwards and is harming the evolution of humankind.

What can you do to promote the respect and appreciation of the beauty in brown, and the wisdom and upholding of the rights of those who’s skin is rich in it? 

Are you going to March in the Streets; contact your Government Representatives; post on Social Media in support of Black Lives and Womens’ Equality, consume media that educates about the violence against black trans women and take action to protect them; donate to your local intersectional queer organizations helping LGBTQ+ black and brown people; buy the newly released to video The Hate U Give Film; sign up for a racial education workshop being led by black folks. So many ideas really. Watch Black Panther with your children and then discuss how it is a better feminist film than Wonder Woman and why, or has healthier models of manhood than most all other Superhero Movies to hit the big screen. 

There really are so many possibilities of how you can decolonize your mind, and learn to see Black Magic and the Power of Women in so many places; at least if you are privileged enough to live where higher quality media, books, podcasts, art and other forms of healing storytelling are becoming more and more available.  Let’s keep that trend going forward so that the stories of Black people and Women are directed, and starring those who they are about, and tell healing stories where we acknowledge the shadows and look for a way forward that is inclusive.

Nothing about people without them

Why it is not always a blessing for your children to look like your family of origin

So I have hit a very interesting hurdle in my journey through life.  My sons are going from children into adults, and although I am actually very grateful they are making this challenging and important transition into the rest of their lives with all the adulting they get to do while I get a break from adulting so hard for so many years. In fact as many teenagers go, I have been blessed with some pretty great ones.  

Now that my younger son is 13 though, he is looking, acting and triggering me daily of my brother which is someone I have my greatest sadness, abandonment, and feelings of anger and grief around.  In fact many people who do not know me well have no idea I even have a brother, heck, my closest friend even forgets I have a sibling until I mention him once every great while.  Even as someone who has worked in the mental health field for 9 years, I cannot explain why my brother is not in mine or my children’s life.  He is one of the most absentee Uncles around, and considering he lives 45 minutes away, is in a pretty upper middle income tax bracket, and spends his ample amount of free time doing hobbies many of which his nephews would have enjoyed over their years growing up, bringing his name up around me is the quickest way to get me to cry or be angry.  My older son even legitimately forgot his name once, that is how little they know him, even though he is so accessible it makes the absence hurt even more.

Then there is the fact that both children look a good amount like their biological father, which is another traumatic wound in my history.  What is funny is the fact that even though he was abusive to me in multiple different ways throughout our 10 year relationship, and I do not want to minimize at all the severity of the emotional, mental, and physical abuse I endured, he is still involved in their lives, and to his credit really worked hard to become a better person and a better father.  So them looking like him actually is easier for me than my brother oddly.

Then there is the Astrological aspects, my brother is a Sagittarius Sun with Saturn in Scorpio, and my younger son is a Sagittarius Rising with a Scorpio Sun (they would probably both dislike me bringing up Astrology, but this is my blog processing post).  So when he talks to me, not only does he look like my brother when he was 13, he thinks and sounds like him too, and when we get into disagreements I many times feel like I am 15 again. All of this is probably good in some life lesson, shadow healing sort of karmic way, but that does not mean I do not want to just go hit my punching bag a lot, or scream into the air with all my lungs sometimes to process the grief and anger.  I also do not want my son to feel burdened by this painful relationship, and me responding to him in a triggered, defensive way as opposed to seeing him as a unique being who is not at all the same person as my brother or his father.  Yet many times I have to repeat in my head when I look at him “he is not them, he is his own being”.  I cannot speak to what it would be like to parent someone who looked nothing like my family of origin, but some days I wish that resemblance would not haunt me and make the challenge of navigating parenting a teenager any more challenging than it already is. 

As part of the Queer community, I have a number of my friends that are now becoming parents, and some of them have children who do not look at all like them. Also I come from a multi-ethnic family, and have family and friends who have children and parents that do not look like them or their family of origin. Sometimes there can be feeling of jealousy towards those people who do have the societal privilege of having children look like them. I agree, having my kids look like me has given me many privileges over the years, and made life easier, and I in no way want to minimize that.  This post though is just to bring awareness to the narrative of having children who look like your family of origin, and when that is an extremely painful thing, it can sometimes not feel like a privilege, at least from a stirring up your deepest wounds of the subconscious mind part.  So on those days when the yet another stranger or professional has asked if you are your kids’ nanny, or where the parent is, or where the Dad or Mom is when you are a same gender parent family, just remember having your kids look like you is not always as great as it is painted out to be by society.

Again, in case my sons read this in the future I want to state again that I feel like I have really been blessed with children who are wise, loving, healthy, creative, brave, and stewards for general good in the world which is all I ever really wanted for them, and I am sure that them looking like people who have given me some of my deepest wounds is the fuel I needed to become the Healer I am in the world and find my Dharma, so thank you universe.   

Row, Row, row your boat, gently down the stream, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, merrily, life is but a dream...

Culturing Privilege

I was blessed enough to have been able to follow my best friend of many years to a high school that had a program brand new in Sacramento, CA called the International Baccalaureate Program, fondly known as IB. I was privileged to get an internationally focused curriculum with bad-ass teachers for free, as long as I could deal with a school building with no AC in the classrooms, an empty garbage-filled swimming pool, and no football field along with filing an inter-district transfer and taking city transportation and my own two feet to get me to school an hour each way everyday.

I will admit, if it hadn’t been because my only other option given to me was SDA religious school, I may have opted for an easier education. However I got to take many classes, and one in particular that I feel all children should receive, not just the college students who elect it.  My Junior year of high school, I took Cultural Anthropology.  I will also admit, when I heard the teacher’s last name was Lord, I was worried having had to endure a cult-like indoctrination from my childhood.  However, Ms Lord, ended up being my still favorite teacher of all time. I felt like the fish must experience when yanked out of water, suddenly aware of the water it always took for granted.  I became aware that the life I had lived for 16 years that I just childishly assumed was “normal” was just one small possibility in a diverse tapestry of possibilities.  As I learned about historical and modern cultures all around the world, and all the different possibilities and solutions people have come up with to attempt to live in harmony, or to keep power and control rooted deep, it opened up my eyes, ears and voice to be curious, compassionate, and open to new possibilities. 

I learned about power and slavery, intersectionality, diverse parenting and family paradigms, and the wisdom that existed from around the globe.  I learned to look at the white, christian, commercial, american culture I was raised in as just one possibility that existed, and how other indigenous cultures had systems in place that allowed for much greater harmony with each other and the earth as a sacred gift. I learned how conflict was handled artfully and cruelly, how justice could be restorative or create lifetimes of grief and shame.  I learned the cruelty and beauty that the human race was capable of, just depending on the underlying belief systems driving behavior.

I will admit, when I first started to take in all the privilege and bondage myself and my friends were simultaneously wrapped up in, it was many times overwhelming.  Especially because when I would leave class and enter the world, trying to discuss what I had learned with others, many would look at me clueless, like I spoke a distant language they had never learned.

Maybe this is why when people attempt to discuss privilege in America today, the discussion can turn so many times to defensive and confused.  Many of us are struggling so hard to just make a living, keep our sanity, and manage our overwhelmed lives, that we do not want to see how other people are making it with so much more weight on their shoulders. We do not want to admit if our sexual orientation, color of our skin, spiritual beliefs, or many other diverse variables were different, it could be immensely more challenging. We want to point at Ellen and the Obamas, and act like racism and homophobia are all gone now.  The truth is many of us are just terrified that life could be harder than it already is if we hadn’t been given many steps up in the first place, and we are scared that if we use our voices to call people out, that we will lose our foothold and fall down, and maybe not have the strength to get back up.

As someone who personally gave up a lot of privilege in 2013 when I went public with my queer sexual orientation, and experienced backlash that I never even saw coming, I have felt first hand how immensely challenging it can be to walk in the shoes of a marginalized group, not just sit on the sidelines as an ally.  Do not get me wrong, being an ally alone can be challenging, however it does not even compare to facing the hatred head and heart on. Also being a hetero-perceived woman, I can watch the shift in many people’s reactions to me as soon as they realize me and my girlfriend are not just close friends.  Also my girlfriend being a transwoman, I have watched even lesbians and so-called trans-allies view her harsher and crueler, not even giving her a chance to share her story, yet acting like her being trans has nothing to do with it.

Also, on top of all the discrimination we receive, I can also admit if either of us had brown skin, life would be much harder.  I can also see when a friend with a “white sounding name” gets drastically different treatment in person than over the phone, and call the clerk on it.  I can respond to the old, white man who singles me out while I am enjoying a black hip-hop artist in the park, and asks “you don’t like this music, do you?” and look him up and down, responding that “yes I do”, and laugh when he storms off.  I can dig deep enough in my own being to develop the capacity to hear the stories of challenge I have never been through, and I can cheer, celebrate and appreciate people of multiple cultures being the protagonist in the stories I take in, in fact I can seek out and demand better representation, because my ego is not so fragile to feel that other people’s joy means there is less available for me. 

Trust me, I understand the complexity of intersectional privilege, and I am sure there is always more to learn.  As someone who’s skin color gives me privilege while simultaneously having a healthcare and spiritual belief system on top of being queer that could get me targeted for death at any time, I know how scary it is to stand up against organizations with power, money and massive influence to destroy if I get too loud. Yet I have kids, and they are becoming adults, and I have to use my voice if there is any chance of them having an earth to even be able to live on with people where we listen to one another an work together to heal our place on this phenomenal planet.

So to all those people who do not understand why we need hashtags like #blacklivesmatter or #transisfabulous, or who think Pride parades are just an awesome party and an great way to prove your down and accepting, while simultaneously, non-consentually photographing and objectifying the actual queer attendees, making us lose our last free, safe spaces to gather, check your privilege, face your shadow, and respect those people who either involuntarily or voluntarily carry much more weight around than you everyday, literal or energetic, and give them a helping hand once and awhile, or at the very least, a look of dignified respect and appreciation.

Dear Entitled White Men

I will admit it, I've become quite terrified of entitled white men. The stereotype of the white woman who crosses the street to avoid the people of color, no, I've noticed that lately I do cross the street sometimes, but typically it is white men who scare me the most. I get to admit this because, hey, I'm white. Problem is, I have white sons, and they are feeling the pain of being stereotyped as abusers, and just as any mama does not want her babies typecast negatively, I'm not liking what your doing to us white folks. I mean we already have enough horrific historical atrocities to our name, can we change the modern day collective narrative, please. I sometimes don't like to admit it, my whiteness, and I secretly hope there is some luscious chocolate mixed in there secretly, but my ancestors as I know it are a conglomeration of light skinned northern Europeans who were slaves, enslavers and fought bitterly amongst one another. I mean I am Scottish, Welsh, Irish, Dutch, German and English, raised multiple generations in America. That's a list of people who tried to take over the entire world, and those invisibly enslaved, brutalized and raped by their neighbors. I still am not sure how to take in and integrate that history, however fortunately the The Maeve Chronicles by Elizabeth Cunningham gave me a Goddess Incarnate I could get inspiration from (and her phenomenal Mother Maeve as well 💚) So as a white woman raising young white men, this is a letter to all you psychopathic, narcissistic entitled misogynists out there. I know losing privilege is a painful, vulnerable experience. I know that the experience at the top of the pyramid is many times isolating and invisibly agonizing. I understand how many times people look at your skin and assume life was easier for you which may or may not be true. I'm sure that you may be mal-nourished, have suffered abuse, and been taught many fucked up values. However, that does not in any way, shape or form make it acceptable to rape, pillage or take more than necessary. When the body does that, we call it cancer. When the cells start multiplying, dominating and taking more than is healthy, if allowed to continue, it leads to death. So when you hoard money, hoard power, hoard fame, you cause universal cancer. Just Out Grow That Shit. Seriously, knock it off. I am a mother to two badass adolescent young men who recognize and understand their privilege, and how that happens is there is a difference between nurturing and enabling. I'm sure each of your childhoods varied greatly, however just recognize that we live in a culture that systematically coddles and enables your ass, in really toxic ways. In fact when people learn about privilege in general they have to admit all the areas of their life they have it easier than other groups. And Yes, I will admit, many times the extremely limited straight jacket men are expected to follow has been invisible to many women so beaten down that they lacked the ability to properly empathize. However, that still does not give you the right to continue your destructive behavior. Stop making subliminal, rape encouraging advertisements, know you are better than that. Stop listening to and supporting artists who encourage abuse. Stop feeding the vengeful, insecure, compensate by taking power over others part of yourself. Know your mother, sister, female friends are of value. I know you may never know why they did what they did, say what they say or felt what they did, however it may be because they were hurt in ways you'll never know. It is okay to not understand another's experience. However you have power to shift, you have power to heal, you have everything within you to face vulnerability, be accountable and to heal, to make amends, to learn bridge building, to heal your gut, your heart and your mind. It's okay, not being at the top of the food chain, really, it is not death, in many ways it's surprisingly liberating. Share resources, learn how to work in harmony with the land, each other, this earth actually has the roots of a vibrant, joy filled garden oasis with trees of life with sacred Wisdom . Treat her respectfully, honor her, and honor all of life. There is a circle of life, and if you just learn to dance with the rhythm, you may find you grow to truly appreciate at your core the awe inspiring beauty of circles. Sincerely, Eve

Veteran's Day

Today, I sit here on a Scorpio new moon on 11/11, which you have to understand is intensely magical to a Priestess. Yet it is also Veteran's Day, which brings up grief for a combrogo sister of the heart, Crissy. My former marine, badass social worker friend I met when my kids took the only swimming lessons they ever needed. We became fast, deep friends, if only for a short time before I moved out of Roseville, and life got intensely busy, and then severely traumatic, and therefore I did not get to see again. She didn't die of battle wounds, it was of cancer, and it came fast and hard. I wish I had been there for her, and stepped past my fear to reach out to her better. I grieve for the sons who lost their amazing mom way too young. I grieve for the woman who wanted to right all the wrongs of the world. The woman who embraced others, who fought for the wounded, and who had an open heart in spite of the many pains and grief she witnessed. You are missed this Veteran's Day, Crissy.

Blessed Samhain, as we celebrate as Xena and Gabrielle

Healing traumaversary

So today is apparently the day Robin Williams died last year, at least that is what my FB feed says. I completely forgot, until my friends were expressing their grief. I am realizing now why I blocked it out. It is also my traumaversary. Now I have no idea if that is a real word, but if it isn't I claim authorship. It means the day a survivor of trauma may be remembering, processing and working through memories (conscious or subconscious) of their trauma. So I realize I blocked out the fact that Robin Williams died exactly a year after I was sexually assaulted. Which was weeks before my dance sister Christy was run over by a truck and killed in a SF park, which was two months before my supposed best friend and professional mentor stole ideas from me and then cut me off professionally, personally and unexpectedly. Now we were just last weekend gifted with tickets to Madam Toussand's wax museum and got to see a wax replica of Robin Williams, and felt sadness and grief at whatever led to his death. For many time the brightest people have faced the darkest of times. As I stood there, though the grief was complicated with all the mixed emotions post traumatic stress brings on. For I so relate to Robin's magical child archetype energy, mixed with wise elder who likes to make you learn deep lessons through humor and warmth. I also have a forlorn, road weary, depressive side, that understands how forsaken life can feel to the depths of your bones sometimes. There I stood there staring at a life-like replica of Robin with my girlfriend Robyn, the most eternally optimistic, in spite of all odds person I know, who I found in the midst of my darkest of times, and who had the most trustable energy I had met in spite of multiple labels that my ego mind said to be wary of. Robyn who reminded my soul what it already knew. My inner wisdom remembered I am worthy of love, I did not cause the assault, I am allowed to ask for assistance, and I am a divine being with an indomitable spirit, and healing is a process. So then I looked Robin in the eyes, and spoke to his timeless spirit, and reminded them that they made a infinite difference on the planet. As What Dreams May Come taught, healing is a process, sometimes a painful, deep crying, scare you shitless vulnerable process, and may those of us who are in it together, connect, rekindle, and reinvent a planetary home for love.

Laverne Cox again graces us with her wisdom, balanced perspective, and insight into the public journey of Caitlyn Jenner. Watching both her last interview as Bruce, and now seeing this Vanity Fair cover, has made Robyn and my spirit sing. Robyn, who idolized Bruce as a child, has such gratitude and respect for Caitlyn. As we celebrate Pride this month, let's celebrate this amazing Olympian, loving parent, and wise soul who had to wait far too many years to just be herself.

On May 29, 2014, the issue of timemagazine magazine which proclaimed the “Transgender Tipping Point” was revealed with me on the cover. June 1, 2015 a year and 3 days later, Caitlyn Jenner’s vanityfair cover was revealed proclaiming #CallMeCaitlyn I am so moved by all the love and support Caitlyn is receiving. It feels like a new day, indeed, when a trans person can present her authentic self to the world for the first time and be celebrated for it so universally. Many have commented on how gorgeous Caitlyn looks in her photos, how she is “slaying for the Gods.” I must echo these comments in the vernacular, “Yasss Gawd! Werk Caitlyn! Get it!” But this has made me reflect critically on my own desires to ‘work a photo shoot’, to serve up various forms of glamour, power, sexiness, body affirming, racially empowering images of the various sides of my black, trans womanhood. I love working a photo shoot and creating inspiring images for my fans, for the world and above all for myself. But I also hope that it is my talent, my intelligence, my heart and spirit that most captivate, inspire, move and encourage folks to think more critically about the world around them. Yes, Caitlyn looks amazing and is beautiful but what I think is most beautiful about her is her heart and soul, the ways she has allowed the world into her vulnerabilities. The love and devotion she has for her family and that they have for her. Her courage to move past denial into her truth so publicly. These things are beyond beautiful to me. A year ago when my Time magazine cover came out I saw posts from many trans folks saying that I am “drop dead gorgeous” and that that doesn’t represent most trans people. (It was news to be that I am drop dead gorgeous but I’ll certainly take it). But what I think they meant is that in certain lighting, at certain angles I am able to embody certain cisnormative beauty standards. Now, there are many trans folks because of genetics and/or lack of material access who will never be able to embody these standards. More importantly many trans folks don’t want to embody them and we shouldn’t have to to be seen as ourselves and respected as ourselves . It is important to note that these standards are also infomed by race, class and ability among other intersections. I have always been aware that I can never represent all trans people. No one or two or three trans people can. This is why we need diverse media representstions of trans folks to multiply trans narratives in the media and depict our beautiful diversities. I started #TransIsBeautiful as a way to celebrate all those things that make trans folks uniquely trans, those things that don’t necessarily align with cisnormative beauty standards. For me it is necessary everyday to celebrate every aspect of myself especially those things about myself that don’t align with other people’s ideas about what is beautiful. #TransIsBeautiful is about, whether you’re trans or not, celebrating all those things that make us uniquely ourselves. Most trans folks don’t have the privileges Caitlyn and I have now have. It is those trans folks we must continue to lift up, get them access to healthcare, jobs, housing, safe streets, safe schools and homes for our young people. We must lift up the stories of those most at risk, statistically trans people of color who are poor and working class. I have hoped over the past few years that the incredible love I have received from the public can translate to the lives of all trans folks. Trans folks of all races, gender expressions, ability, sexual orientations, classes, immigration status, employment status, transition status, genital status etc.. I hope, as I know Caitlyn does, that the love she is receiving can translate into changing hearts and minds about who all trans people are as well as shifting public policies to fully support the lives and well being of all of us. The struggle continues…

Indigo, Blu-Ray, Crystal and Starseed Children Info

Indigo Born around 1925 but the influx came in around 1970 through to 80’s.They have indigo auras hence the name! I like to describe them as the “Spiritual Light Warriors” they are here on this planet to break the molds,to bring down the old ways.

~Intelligent ~ Creative ~ Prefer leadership positions rather than working in a team ~ Anger towards politics ~ Desire to change the world ~ Had spiritual interests at a young age ~ Psychic abilities ~ Loath repetitious work ~ Reject the norm, tradition or what is expected by society ~ Always ask why ~ Empathy for others yet an intolerance of stupidity ~ Very sensitive,can suffer from depression ~ Seek meaning in life

Crystal Born in 1980-2010 and the influx was around 2000,they are very gentle souls whom have Opalescent with multi-coloured pastel hues in their auras. They have incarnated to help us to connect back to our original source and to bring peace and harmony.

~ Large penetrating eyes  ~ Blissful tempered ~ Draw other children to them ~ Loving and forgiving  open only to those who warrant trust ~ Nurturing towards animals and younger children ~ Fearless ~ Have healing abilities ~ Love water ~ Communicate telepathically ~ Musically orientated ~ May not speak until age 3-4 ~ Patient ~ Love to play with crystals and stones ~ Affectionate ~ Sensitive ~ Relate to adults better unless there are children of the same vibration around ~ A strong need to help others ~ Choosey with the food they eat

Rainbow Mainly born after 2005 with an influx around 2010,they have all the colours of the rainbow in their auras and have incarnated to help us prepare for the next stage of the ascension process.

~ Have extremely strong will ~ High energy ~ Attuned to colour and colour vibration ~ Embraces life with enthusiasm and excitement ~ Expects what they need to manifest instantly ~ Telepathic ~ Have healing abilities ~ Creative and passionate ~ Sensitive ~ Loving ~ Forgiving  ~ Completely open.

Starseeds Not everyone on earth is from earth. There are those who are here from other planets and civilizations in this and other universes. And though they walk around in human bodies, many have forms that are not human. Many are drawn to animals and other life forms on earth that, in fact, closely resemble their true form. For example, some are very drawn to dolphins; there is a race of Beings called the Nommos who live on a planet in the Sirius star system. There are other factors indicating a starseed identity.

They have an intense sense of loneliness.

They feel like they don’t belong in their earth family.

They have a fascination with the stars and feel as though their home is out there, but they can’t remember where.

They begin to question the ways of earth at an early age. Many are the black sheep of their family.

They are drawn to metaphysics seeking answers to why they feel so alone and why they don’t seem to fit in on earth.

Many have an adversarial relationship with the parent of the opposite sex.

The majority of starseeds have the facial shape of their mother but the remainder of their physical body is like that of their fathers, or the other way around depending on which parent is the real parent, the starseed parent from off planet. This is done for a reason.

Lower than normal body temperature and inability to handle heat.

The majority of starseeds and walk-ins carry the Crystal Gene for DNA Recoding/Ascension. Once activated, the crystal gene allows for clearer guidance with beings on other dimensions. It acts as a guidance system of sorts, keeping the individual on course in their respective mission. It allows for quicker understanding of the emotional blocks that must be cleared in order to recompile DNA.

Physical attributes. This is a bit more iffy. Earth humans are anyway an amalgam of all kinds of genetic tinkering by a variety of space races but you MAY have brought some of your physical attributes with you, but this is less important than the spiritual attributes. Your genetics will determine a “band of possibility” and your spirit body MAY pull your physical body in a direction that is quite different from what your genotype might have expressed with another host in it. So: do you look markedly different from the rest of your family? If you are of Pleiadian origin you may have some of the following unexpected characteristics: almond-shaped eyes which might also be larger than expected, blonde hair, pale skin, blue or blue-grey eyes, “roman nose” (no dip on the bridge – straight in profile) tall and with a slender build.  Photo-sensitivity. Your eyes are probably light sensitive. The Earth is a particularly harsh-light environment. You would probably want low-light compared to many others.  Cold climate adapted. You most likely don’t like to be too warm and struggle to loose heat in warm climes. Other will be playing out in the sun and you will be sweltering in the shade. The corollary is that you are comfortable when it is cool and others are huddled over a heater.

Metaphysically oriented or anti-religious. You just can’t buy into Earth religions. You may have tried very hard, even repeatedly to “fit in” with one or more of these belief systems but always they leave you feeling dissatisfied. You may consequently reject “belief” out of hand or you may choose to find some alternative beliefs that suit you better – you will quite possibly start formulating your own system of belief. You are also most likely to have some form of psychic ability – ESP, clairvoyance…or everything.  Not date and time conscious. You’re probably terrible with remembering things like birthdays, you struggle to keep to a schedule and are often way early or very late for appointments. This date and clock thing just doesn’t want to work out for you.  Technophile. You love gadgets and equipment and have a natural aptitude with figuring out how they work. You’re quite likely to love them so much that you read the instruction manual “just for fun”.  Harmonious. You will experience Earth as being quite a violent, aggressive angry place. You may or may not be able to find aggression within yourself but either way you would choose for the world around you to become more harmonious and peaceful. You do not desire to control others and you reject others control of you. You can’t bear cruelty to animals, children, women abuse or anything like that. If there were a war you would probably not fight but choose to be a pacifist instead.  Gender equality and ambiguity. You probably don’t get the whole gender role thing. You regard your partner as an equal and expect the same thing back. The whole “battle of the sexes” thing is just absurd to you. You may also be something other than heterosexual. If you are, you’re probably not too concerned with finding a label for what you are. You could also be quite androgynous in your look.  Animals and nature. You have a great love and respect of nature in all its manifestations: Gaia, forests, mountains, the sea, animals etc. You especially feel a deep mystical connection with dolphins and whales as you understand that they are somehow your “siblings” rather than “dumb animals”.  Not money-system oriented. The system of money=power and corporate structures and this kind of thing is not your way. That is not to say that you cannot make your way in it or even become very successful in this system, but you will always be uncomfortable in it if you do. You dislike routine and structured environments. You are a non-conformist and just don’t fit into a rigid work environment. You don’t respect authority – someone must show themselves worthy of your respect. Combine this with the fact that you quickly get bored and you make a very poor wage slave indeed! You will often harbour dreams of just “dropping out” – going to farm or joining a hippie community or some such. Or you’ll actually do this. You anyway don’t like the concept of money much and would rather be valued for who you are than what you can buy. This issue is compounded by the fact that you hated school (or any education) this is because Earth education systems use conformist mechanisms and teach by instruction rather than shared or experiential learning.  Escapism. You like to escape into flights of creative fantasy and will build whole “ideal worlds” in your head. You are also drawn to the hallucinogenic experience to enhance this. A negative aspect of this is when the escapist tendency overwhelms: this world is hard and cruel and difficult and you might be prone to using drugs, alcohol or other means to escape the pain that you feel. In so doing you fail to engage and fail to improve the world (as you originally intended) this only compounds the problem and makes you more self destructive. You are prone to depression if you don’t take control of your life and your experiences. You may also be prone to a variety of psychoses and neuroses due to the spiritual fracturing that you feel here not conforming with the unity consciousness you were expecting.  Creativity. You are very creative and love other peoples creative outputs. Music, art, architecture, beautiful cooking… whatever. This touches you deeply.  Easy belief. You can quite easily believe in the existence of UFO’s and extra-terrestrial beings. These things are not strange to you. The concept of “all is one” is also quite comfortable for you.

Blue Ray As a Blue Ray Being, you came to transform the damaged, mutated DNA of humanity, and set the stage for the other rays to come. You were not recognized for your unique divine light and had to recognize yourselves. It was tricky spiritual business as you were super sensitive beings, though you had the spiritual power tools to be victories in your mission. · 'Transformers’, using alchemy you naturally transmute lower energies. · Average age range: Late 20’s to 60’s · Tend to be water and air signs: Pisces, Scorpio, Cancer, Gemini, Aquarius, and Libra with Virgo influences.  · Have similarities with the Indigo, Crystals and Rainbows Beings. Ultra sensitive, intuitive, can easily communicate with the higher realms. You have sacred knowledge and wisdom. · Often mistaken for an Indigo. · Very adaptable and empathic. · Blues are more reserved and quieter than the indigos and seem mystical in the way they look. Old souls may appear to be more ethereal looking or star born. · You are about communication and expression through the creative arts and spirit. It is very important for you to express yourself. It’s part of you mission. · May have taken many years for you to be able to speak up and be seen. · Have blue in your aura or have lots of blue around you. You will also have violet to help with transmuting lower density. Work with Archangel Michael, Saint Germain and the Violet Fire. · Most are energy or spiritual healers as you wish to heal and help others. · Are water types. Flowing, emotional, not static and associated with the divine feminine traits and archetype. Music, sound, movement, dance and nature is very important to you. · Learned how to hide your supernatural abilities and gifts, stood in the background waiting, watching, observing and always in the knowing. · The Waiting, Star Seed Time Line Encodement, the blues have been preparing for when events and an inner knowing will activate you to reset your course to take a higher path. This activation will attuned you to your core essence and will affect your career, hobbies, goals and relationships. · Most of you were not born to enlightened consciousness spiritual parents. You had to heal and transform much family, genetic damage, emotional trauma and dysfunction first. · Feel connected to the terms Light Worker, Star Born and to Pleiades, Sirius and to the esoteric studies and the evolved races of earth. Are more energetic aligned to Lemurians then to the Atlantians. · Have amazing latent spiritual gifts and talent that are not fully activated. · Feel out of out place in your family, feel your biological family is not your true origin. Feel you are from the stars, another planet or evolved race. · Are the peacemakers with your family and with friends. · Have great inner long-term persistence. You get to your destination. · Very sensitive to foods, chemicals, the environment, noise and electricity. · Need to drink lots of spring water that still has the life force in it, and be connected to the deva of water.

No, women are not just lesbian because they have been hurt by men. They are just women who find a vulva more sacred than a cock.

My second published writing piece with Rebelle Society, a website I fall more and more in love with the more pieces I read on there

Mother's Day breakfast

So lately I have been challenging myself to create art, after living so long with an artist, I never felt I was very good, but lately with new freedom and sources of inspiration, I am giving myself permission to allow myself to play, explore and create

My second dance performance ever to Halestorm's Break In, which we picked because when Robyn and I first met at a coffee shop, we instantly connected over our mutual love (and slight obsession) for Lzzy Hale 

Burning Down My Closets

  Have you ever convinced yourself you know yourself fully and completely

only to have someone come along and make the illusion all fall apart

Someone who brings to your attention all the areas of your life

that your still playing small

See if your an advanced soul, who's journey has been hard and long

You can reach a plateau

Where you can become jaded 

feeling there's nothing new under the sun

convincing yourself you know all your cracks, shadows and flaws

As well as the heights of peace, love and joy

that this world is capable of

  Then along comes someone who exposes to you all the closets that your

still hiding in

  Where did you come from?

And why do you look so much like me?

Your hair, your eyes, and oh, the way that you dance

and even the way that you cook, smile and love

and holy shit, the way that you challenge me, you keep reading my mind

Did I say you were allowed to do that?

Didn't anyone tell you that is my job

  And then when you write, and perform art up on a stage

Woman, what are you doing challenging me like that?

Oh, and one other thing

how could it be that a woman forced to spend years living as a man

is the one making me claim my power as a pagan, witch and priestess 

beyond all shadow of a doubt

    See from the beginning of when you walked into my life

I thought I was as real, naked and vulnerable as I could get

and that I had pretty much figured myself out

  But then love you came along and blew all my limiting beliefs

allowed me to see all the closets I was still hiding in

and after you teased, enticed and seduced me to come all the way out

You gave me one gigantic giggle

and burned those fuckers down

  So what will happen, or where will we go?

Only time will tell, however I am so glad you exposed

the whole spectrum of my soul

How Eve Learned She is a Lesbian

Looking back in hindsight I can see the signs, however when your 13 and 14, and seemingly boy crazy, it can be hard to recognize, especially when you are in Junior High at the most conservative Christian school in the area.  Also I never hated boys, in fact I started enjoying sex with a boy who was my best friend at a pretty early age.  I always thought I started so early because of my daddy issues, however looking back, it might have also been an avoidance mechanism for something else.  See it wasn’t until in my 30’s when I was having a conversation with a gay man about his first sexual/relationship experiences that it all clicked.  He told me how he almost married a woman, a dear friend, and how he even enjoyed having sex with her, it was fun, pleasurable, and she was great company.  However when he finally had his first sexual experience with a man, he had the revelation of how much better that was for him, and how he knew in the long run he would have never been happy with her. 

All of a sudden I realized that even though I had identified as bi-sexual since about 26, and had a few sexual experiences with women whom I did not really know well, the first time I had a sexual experience with a woman I had an emotional/ mental connection with, a whole new world opened up to me.  At this point in time it caused a crisis, because my partner of seven years, although a two-spirit, with both a masculine and feminine side is a beautiful soul, at the core, I believe is still much more a man with a strong feminine side.  Although we both loved each other very much, I began seeing why there had been a slow, insidious deterioration in our relationship over the years.  Probably why I fell in love with him to begin with was for the strong female side I saw hidden under the surface, and for years that worked for me because it allowed me to get my dose of feminine energy, and keep my heterosexual privilege.  This also worked for years as we lived in a religiously/ politically conservative area where being open and honest with myself would have cost me my business and financial security, and with kids to support, that was too high of a price to pay.  However once we moved to the city with the 6th largest Queer community in the country, our relationship began to slowly unravel.

To people from the outside, they were praising me for sticking with my “man” as what they perceived him transitioning to her.  What they did not fully understand was on many levels my partner was still not woman enough for me.  I did not even recognize that myself, until that one day I met a woman who captivated me as no one ever had, and made me have to face my own truth I had been afraid to admit to myself fully.  For even though my new partner is a transwoman as well, and many conservative and cis gender people do not understand the difference, let me say I have come to realize all the aspects of womanhood I love that have absolutely nothing to do with the genitalia of a person.  For me personally being a woman has to do with the emotional depth and intuitive wisdom inherent from the energy of connection, cooperation and unification as a primary focus in life.  I once attended a workshop where we were given the analogy of feminine and masculine energy with a metaphor about the Hurricane Katrina rescue.  The teacher said that there are two ways to handle emergency relief in that situation.  One person comes in with tunnel vision ignoring the cries and pleas of the people because his focus is getting electricity and water restored to the area.  The other person comes in and feeds the people, bandages them, and gives them a shoulder to cry on.  There is no way to fix the situation with one of those energies without the other, they complement each other, and we all are capable of both, however one is more satisfying and nourishing to us a person. 

As I have fallen in love now for the first time with a woman, I realize how much more satisfying it is to me to be with a person who’s primary energy falls into that nurturing, caretaking healing energy, as opposed to the task driven, goal oriented person.  This in no way, shape or form means I cannot appreciate men, however I had to truly own and admit how much more joy I receive in relationship with a woman.   Also sexuality and love are so complex, and it also has to do with the person, their mind, emotions and ways of being in the world, which as people work to break free from the limiting binary system and beliefs, hopefully allow us to open up into healing all the shame, fear and preconceived notions wrapped up with and holding hostage our potential in our sexual relationships.  As someone who has now loved two people deeply who are transgender, I have realized that as we tap into and heal the ability of sex as a method to connect with source energy, it really becomes so much less important what genital parts are involved, and truly about the energetic, spiritual connection that beings have with one another.  May we one day live in a world where it is irrelevant if partnerships are hetero or homo sexual, and only matter if the people involved love one another deeply, and if there union brings healing and love to the planet, as opposed to fear and control.  For that is truly what all the great spiritual teachers cared about and taught anyways, the Golden Rule, treat others how you want to be treated, only better.

The Trans Blessing

The unique wisdom that trans women can teach cis women.

So as a woman who’s former partner of 7 years is currently going through hormonal treatment to transition from male to female, and who had not heard the word cisgender until we joined the local transgender community, I have recently had a privilege I did not even realize I had come into my awareness.  See unless you know a transgender person, you may not even realize you are considered cisgender, because to the majority of people they have never considered the difference between sex and gender, and take the biological sex and the gender they identify as and the world sees them as a given.  Then if they happen to meet or hear about a trans person, it challenges a belief they did not even realize they had.  In fact transgender people many times can find themselves on the outskirts of the outskirts, with both straight and gay people judging, being confused, and harassing them.  However even for the wonderful accepting cis people, there can still develop a sort of tension and discomfort based on a subtle difference I have personally observed. 

See as I was recently listening to Sheryl Sandberg, and her talk about her book Lean In where she discusses the ways boys and girls are socialized, I realized the challenge I have observed in trans women who transitioned later in adult life.  Sheryl talks about how boys are taught as they are growing up to be proud, confident and comfortable being assertive, and are taught to be proud of their accomplishments.  When they are assertive they are praised, and they are generally more liked.  With women and girls, they are socialized to play smaller, not brag, and to generally credit their accomplishments and achievements to good luck, the help of someone else, or some other external force.  When a boy or man is given a compliment, he expects it, whereas a woman is taught to deflect it.  In fact the more confident, assertive and powerful a woman is, she becomes less likable to other people.  So when trans women start living as a woman, it can be a harsh reality lesson, because the same way of behavior  and interaction gets a new negative reaction than before when the world identified them as a man.

As I have gotten to know and become friends with a number of trans women, I have heard stories of this shocking revelation of the world treating them differently when they try to enact the same leadership style that worked before as a man, and a part of me nods, laughs, and says welcome to the club.  For those of us who have always grown up with girl socialization and cultural norms expected of women, we can feel an empathy and compassion for trans women’s new dilemma, and then also feel a sort of blasé and cold indifference because we feel like maybe when the trans woman was living as a man they should have noticed this discrepancy already.  Also when a trans woman is confident, assertive and unapologetic about their achievements, our own discomfort  becomes apparent, because we are so unfamiliar with that quality in women, that many times cis women are jealous and distance themselves leading to increased isolation and loneliness. 

However I feel as though instead of training the trans women to start acting like “proper women”, cis women instead can learn through example what it is like to have the intuition, empathy and unique feminine gift of flow, and partner that with the vision, focus and confident, unapologetic leadership skills of the directive masculine.  See trans women with male socialization have a unique gift and wisdom that can inspire women , and teach us the missing pieces necessary to create a more balanced, inclusive and sustainable society.  For in years past, during the time period that America was filled with the Indigenous people of this land, the two spirits were celebrated, admired and given sacred roles of healing, counseling and nurturing, for those people who have lived in both gender roles understand a unique wisdom  about life and have a compassion and empathy that should be celebrated, not feared. 

#trans #LGBT # Equality