I relate so hard to you. I just don't understand how I'm attracted to women romantically and sexually. Yet all my crushes are male. Ive even had a crush on a male lego character. I never had never once thought about a woman that hard. A lot of things around me are outside of my control, and I can't stand my mind betraying me too.

Yes, most of my crushes have been male fictional characters too. I can’t remember that I’ve had a crush towards any female once, not until I’ve got obsessive over it. It doubts me a lot.

I feel so sick rn and had to stop working on a project, it’s 2:46 am and I keep getting intrusive thoughts and feelings that I have to “admit” that I’m bi or attracted to women.

It’s too intense, the coffee I had and my period doesn’t really help either. I’m undiagnosed and try to do erp by letting tiktok auto scroll with some vids about w|w just for exposure. It doesn’t help cause then I’ll be thinking about that after watching it.

It feels like I already accepted it, it feels horrible and sickening whatnot. Been only attracted to men my whole life, desiring to grow old with one day.

I’ve put a hold in dating for a while after a hard break up, now this self- healing journey makes it seem like I’m trying to figure out my sexuality and it’s frustrating even though I just want to take my time to heal and fix my flaws. I can’t even do that without sneakily ruminating all the damn time.

It’s just too much.

crying and feeling miserable from all the intense thoughts and feelings my so ocd thoughts decided to hit me up the moment I woke up 🥲

I have three projects due this month and I’ve been sluggish and not in the mood to do cause of shit ass ocd.

spiraling again and pretending everything’s fine, feeling like it’s not ocd anymore after thinking about my past again- saying that it has “proof” that I’m bi or a lesbian.

God I feel so sick

idk if its been awhile or its the coffee, but Im spiraling again.

Was going through netflix, scrolling through what to watch and passed by the watch it again section- there was this movie called Metal Lords.

I’ve watched it before and found it hilarious, it was these trio (2 guys and a girl) who plays metal. Didn’t really thought much about anything when I watched it throughout before, until almost the ending where they played together for a school contest.

The girl friend was wearing this sort of revealing and dark clothes and dark make up, and I started to remember before that I had an intrusive thought and feelings of “she’s hot” and shit. Even spiraled then and tried to push It back, even said to myself that it’s okay to compliment someone like that but I get a lot of alarms in my head saying otherwise. Kept saying that she’s my type etc.

I’m getting sick thinking of it right now and started hating myself for even seeing that title while scrolling through Netflix. My hearts racing, my mind keeps going back to the “she’s hot” part. And I’m getting frustrated, it keeps flashing over and over in my head like I’m gonna remember this forever whenever I see that title again.

I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick. I feel so sick.

I feel so sick that I have to keep checking his Snapchat and Twitter status but I have no urge to Text him, but fuck I feel so sick. I’m losing my mind rn. I don’t want to completely cut off contact but I don’t want to text him either but fuck why do I keep checking.

We ended things last night, ldr was too much for him.

We called one last time, I hated that he had to be gentle with me. It made things so much harder, I feel like I’m on autopilot ever since last night.

Hello there :) I'm sorry you're struggling with rocd with your boyfriend, i really relate to your posts about ocd :/ I don't really know what to say except I hope you're doing well today and you're not the only person struggling with that, even though god only knows how it seems like that sometimes 😅

Hello, I appreciate this :) but thank you- I’m still learning a lot from this but too hard to deal with but it’s nice to talk with people who can relate to what I’m going through as well- it still gives me a bit of help so thank you again :)

What it’s like when my partner is an “everything isn’t guaranteed”, or “not everything is 100%” type of person and me with undiagnosed ocd:

Was in a call from my partner, he asked what I was feeling when he noticed I got all quiet. Told him that I felt a bit scared that we’d drift apart whenever we get busy, even though he’s mostly the busy one.

He did say that he doesn’t want us to, but if we do- then we just drift apart. Hearing it was gut wrenching, my mood went down. I felt depressed at the thoughts of not being with him anymore, those kind of thoughts kept repeating over in my head with more different scenarios.

Now I’m fighting the urge to look up “how to know if we’re drifting apart”

Didn’t get to enjoy my day today, in an ldr with my partner and only been talking to him only a few hours in the morning and night. He usually gets busy on most days which I understand and has accepted it.

Been dating for almost 4 months, have not made anything official but we both decided to be exclusive for each other til 6 months for us to make it official, as we both agreed on.

Yet, I obsess over my feelings and thoughts that were not right for each other. It’s exhausting when we pretty much mean it when we exchanges i loves yous.

We both have opposite interests and hobbies, smth new Im dealing with compared to my other relationships. I tend to obsess over that as well, if we could ever make it work when we’re both different yet somehow similar in some ways.

He’s a confident and secure guy, gives me reassurances yet I somehow make things difficult. Til I started suspecting if this was rocd or not, whatever he does that reassures me- makes it seem like it’s never enough for me. I hate it, he’s trying and I keep getting overwhelmed by my thoughts that someday- he’ll just type those few words that’ll end us.

He knows about my ocd and struggles, he’s been supportive and understanding. Gave him a chance to leave so he wouldn’t have to deal more difficult things with my doubts, yet he still stayed and wants us to grow together. Made me love him even more yet I still have doubts.

He went out with his friends today, on a long road trip. I simmered over thoughts that he was snap chatting with another girl instead while he was with his friends, more thoughts that he’s actually out avoiding me, and when he gets back- he’d end things with me. I couldn’t enjoy anything today.

He eventually got home at 11pm, asked how my day was but my questions soured the mood. I let him go to sleep since he was tired, he still wants to talk to me tomorrow. Now am sitting in the living room with more thoughts to deal with.

Welcome to watch mojo, and today we are counting down how many obsessive thoughts does it take to make me suffer for my entire life.

hi i just wanna let you know that i really relate to your soocd struggles and being able to read them makes me feel less alone in this world <3

Im glad I could also be a part of help, its nice to feel that were not alone in facing the problems we face 🫶🏼

Ive been doing well, for a month or two. Sure there are some intrusive thoughts but they were just bumps that I could shrug off. Unlike ones before that sends me off to a car wreck. I am fond of watching movies or tv shows, and I was happy that I wasn’t bothered as much to watch women without the sexual or romantic thoughts waiting to raid. I’ve started working out, it felt great.

I am a college student, about to be a third year. For two years, I haven’t been able to go to my campus since we only had done online classes. Since, every school has slowly adjusted and most welcoming face to face classes- I have decided to join in a Red Cross organization at my university.

Ive been wanting to participate on these kind of stuff since I’d considered it very helpful personally as well. Today was my shift, it was a graduation ceremony for the seniors. Me and others (who were new) were assigned to our stations, to guide people- help if someone needed it.

I had to wake up early, around 4 am to prepare. I wasn’t feeling myself and got really conscious with my body. I was suppose to fast for 16 hrs before as part of my diet, but I got carried away with my stress that I overate dinner. Next morning, I was bloated as fuck, wore a baggy shirt instead.

I have a particular body type that I want to achieve. So when I saw this other member in our team- who has the exact one that I want. My brain just scrambled all over. Saying that she’s my type, she’s my type, she’s my type. Emotions just rushed all over place, the tiredness wasn’t a help either. I didn’t know her at all, and ofc everyone could see her figure since she wore these skinny jeans of some sort and small shirt with the word ‘medic’ at the back.

One of the head nurse of the organization had a little talk with me, getting to know me and such. He realized that the girl and me have the same course so he introduced me to her. I was uncomfortable as fuck already, I wanted to go home already. She was a talkative person, I wasn’t. Yes, she was nice but I hated the feeling that we stood close next to each other. Had to force down the urge to throw up. But I forced myself to just stand there and at least make friends, I have not made a single friend in the organization.

I didn’t want to be seen as the girl who has a secret crush on the other. I don’t want to be seen as someone who’s attracted to women at all. But THIS, is torture. My brain, my emotions just keep on repeating phrases and certain things that I’m sick with. The lack of anxiety made me think that “oh, I like her.” “I have a crush on her”.

Thank God the ceremony was almost over, we headed back to the clinic and I had to make up some excuse as why I’m going home early. Shit sucks, now I’m getting urges that I should “come out” and ask her out. To which I am genuinely oppose to since I am still in love with a man who doesn’t fucking talk to me anymore.

But because of that now I just keep having thoughts such as: why don’t you try dating women? Maybe you’ll like it, come out as bi or a lesbian, ask that girl out. And dozens of images of me dating that said girl, I had to break my diet cause I was fucking stress eating, now I am right back where I started. I never felt more miserable, and I just wish so badly to hang out with girls without these thoughts or feelings. I want to have girl FRIENDS, to bond with and to lean on. This whole shit has made me view girls who wants to be friends with me as something awful, as they have some sort of motive with me or some shit and it’s ruining me. Every-time I talk to them, I have to keep repeating “I’m straight” In my head a dozen times for reassurance.

I am spiraling.

Been having a lot of dreams about being attracted to the same sex, and I do not enjoy it at all. I have been doing well for a few months despite a few ruminations. And because of those dreams, Its been circulating in my mind a lot, basically occupying my day.

I couldnt even answer a calculus quiz right cause my heart just feels heavy from the uncomfortable feeling that it made me hard to breathe.

I dont want to be labelled as homophobic nor in denial, the way I feel for a man is completely different with a woman. As with women, all my life I was really comfortable and settled just having platonic relationships with them, never been attracted to them either until this shitty asshats doubts came. Being on a healthy relationship with a guy is also one of my goals, now I cant even hang out with my group of friends without the fear being “attracted” to them.

Now I cant help but feel that everything’s changed and I cant get my way out of it, even the thoughts of counting that this is OCD has helped the spiral.

After suffering with hocd for about a year, not being bothered by such thoughts for 3-4 months. Has made me experience the bitching pain of backdoor spike.

I was in love with this guy who didn’t share the same feelings, we haven’t talked in a while and this has made me start to move on. I wasn’t bothered by my hocd thoughts as much cause he occupied my mind during those months and it was really peaceful.

With the process of moving on, hocd has started to visit again and this time feels so much stronger, more real, and different that I’m convinced that I’m a lesbian now.

The worst thing is that I don’t feel anxious as much I used to be, nothing can help me reassure anything anymore. Whenever I check my feelings- its like its still there. That its me.

I can’t reason shit to my brain anymore, no matter how many times I say that I’m only attracted to men. No matter how many times I only want a bf or get married to a guy. Those ideas just doesnt feel the love I had as I used to.

I really do wish I could go back the way I was.

Now the word “lesbian” just keeps repeating over and over in my head while I try my best not to throw up or cry.

I pretty much spiraled last night, it’s a new day again today and I can’t do my projects without feeling shitty.

The thought “I’m bisexual” has becoming too real for me, it’s hard to get rid of it. It feels like I’m already am bisexual even though I’ve never fantasized of being with a woman nor desired them. Even when I did (to check) I feel so sick.

That thought always comes with a sinking feeling too, the scenario of me being with a woman doesn’t set me right. I don’t want to get used to it either, yet whenever I try to imagine that I want to be with a guy- it makes me think “remember you’re bisexual” and shit then it just spirals me into a depressing mood.

Another thing that OCD does is that it keeps reminding me of my past, things that I want to forget or found unnecessary makes it seem that it’s important right now. Adding more “evidence” that I’m really bisexual. Honestly, I just wanna isolate myself and have a breakdown. Suicidal tendencies have resurfaced, I can’t be productive, I just wanna tear my throat out and bleed to get thing out of me.

I know being bi doesn’t make it as the most bad thing in the world, but it’s not right for me. It’s not peaceful for me at all, it literally makes me so sick and depressed. I just want to be straight again, to forget all of these, even if it means death.