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Shivers

Cyberpunk 2077 Fanfic

Summary: Kerry is stalked by all kinds of shadows while having to work on finalizing a new song. Some recent developments may be a literal ticket to kickstarting a final attempt of finding a cure for V. (Post-Sun-Ending, mostly canon-compliant, Chapter 14/?, 7061 words, Kerry Eurodyne/V - notes at the end) >> Previous Chapter >> Read from the Beginning

The black asphalt ahead flickered in the heat as Kerry sped along the ever-winding road south of Rancho. In the distance shimmered the old dam’s concrete walls, the faded “Petrochem” lettering gleaming in the sun. That’s where he was headed to, or rather, the viewpoint at the very top. V’s voice had been urgent on the phone, and so Kerry had dropped everything he’d been doing and jumped into his car. V often came here when he needed some distance to the city without truly leaving – or so he’d said when Kerry asked him about the place’s significance one time. Every time they came here to talk it was serious.

The tires of his Aerondight came to a screeching halt on the side of the road and Kerry jumped out of the car looking for V. He was hard to miss thankfully, the only person out here besides himself. V’s back was turned towards Kerry, one foot up on the low concrete barrier separating him from a deep fall down a coarse red cliff. He had his hands in his pockets and gazed across Night City, like a king watching his realm. The midday sun blinded Kerry at first, but it also made V seem even more majestic, even if somewhat unreal.

“Hey, I got here as fast as I could,” Kerry called over, began hurrying towards him, but there was no reaction at first.

“V?” he repeated out of breath.

Kerry was merely an arm’s length away from him, only just raised his hand to reach out, when an all too familiar scent crawled into his nose. He froze on the spot. It was as if time stood still, even the wind stopped and the city itself held its breath. Then V turned around, agonizingly slowly, sole scraping along the concrete as he pushed away from the low wall. He wore a pair of old red aviators and had a cigarette between his lips, Johnny’s favorite brand…

“Bit too late,” he drawled, his voice definitely V’s… but different, rougher, meaner. He threw the cigarette to the ground and drew his boot across it, leaving a black streak of ashes in the desert dust.

“V’s not here anymore.”

Kerry gasped and startled awake, stomach nearly turning. His skin was covered in cold, sticky sweat, his heart fluttered in his chest like a panicked, trapped bird. His chest… he realized an arm was loosely wrapped around him, a scratchy plastic cast with cold fingers poking out against his sternum. V was breathing against his back, deep and evenly. The horror of the nightmare finally began to clear up. The TV was still on, they’d fallen asleep halfway through a Bushido movie (one of the old classics). V was squished between Kerry and the backrest of the sofa, their legs entangled and V loosely holding on to him. Kerry was surprised he hadn’t woken him up as well, but he remembered now. Right before settling down here, V had taken another dose of Vik’s emergency meds – proactively, just to not have another attack throughout the night. He was pretty much medically knocked out cold. Regardless, only slowly and carefully, Kerry moved to turn around. He didn’t want to wake V after all by shifting too much, but he also needed to see him, see his face… actually, he wanted to hear his voice, too, have him reassure him once more, or a thousand times more, that it would all be okay in the end. But he refrained from trying to wake him up.

He lied back down, V’s left arm still draped across him limply, but now they were face to face. V’s expression was relaxed, he was deep asleep. Kerry reached up, lightly ran his fingers along the tattoo decorating V’s cheekbone and jaw, then gently brushed through his hair. V sighed in his sleep, and Kerry’s hand flinched back. But V didn’t stir, instead he just shuffled slighting, inching closer towards him in his sleep. This little instinctive movement tied Kerry’s throat shut real good. He lowered his hand to put his arm around V to hold him close, took in his scent and warmth. Focused on V’s breathing he closed his eyes again and tried to catch at least a few more hours of sleep as well. The sun would rise again soon enough.

The impressions from his nightmare accompanied him all morning. As they got ready together, during breakfast when V looked at his phone suspiciously often, during the tense car-ride to the hospital, all the way into the recording booth.

“Very good, Kerry!” Vicky praised him. With her, Kerry was sometimes not sure if she truly meant what she said or only said what he needed to hear to not throw the towel.

“You’ve really on fire today, I love to see it,” she added while pushing some buttons on her control panel, not looking at him, “Let’s do one final take, starting at ‘you like to remember’, alright?”

“Sure, yeah,” Kerry shrugged, the microphone in front of his face mocking him, “All the way through the chorus?”

Vicky gave him a thumbs up from the other side of the window separating them.

“Give it your all, one more time,” she encouraged him and smiled, white teeth stark in contrast to her deep red lipstick.

The metronome ticked in the first few beats, then the backing track started up again. Kerry found his way into the rhythm naturally, listened to his own guitar play, in his mind he could almost feel the strings vibrate under his fingertips as he played the chords, strummed the melody.

“Three, two, one…” Vicky gave him the cue over the audio track.

“You like to remember,” Kerry sang, giving it his all as instructed, and it was all he had left at this point. They’d been here since 10.30, recording almost non-stop, the same lines over and over again, until every note was perfect. Kerry didn’t even need or want perfect all that much. In the end the recording was mostly for the label, the medias. Later, live on stage this song would sound different every time. Each performance had its own distinct sound and soul, created anew by him and the crowd present that night, none would be like the other. It was one of a handful of aspects of making music that actually still hadn’t lost their magic over the decades.

But of course, it wasn’t that Kerry didn’t care for how he sounded on the record. Otherwise, he would’ve long called it a day, or probably recorded the full album already. Naturally he wanted to be proud of the final version, the one that would be played on the radio, the feeds, some kid’s old record player. Maybe this would be the first of his songs someone ever listened to. It had to leave an impact, carry a message. He had to put all his heart and soul into this final take for now.

“When every word poisoned your blood!” he continued with fervor.

The accompanying guitar track was heavy with melancholy and heartache, his own suffering of too many years gone by without a perspective poured into the chords. Kerry closed his eyes, focused on the rhythm of the bass that he’d wanted to be reminiscent of a heartbeat here. The producers hadn’t been sure about whether or not it would work in the end with the overall pacing, but it did, better than Kerry himself could have imagined. The steady “du-du-dum, du-du-dum” carried him through the next line of lyrics.

“I know you don’t wanna suffer,” he half-screamed, at his younger self, at his current self as well, really, “But this is something so much deeper!”

The guitar faded away for a few moments, and only the bass remained, steadily pulsating on. Kerry’s throat hurt, not from strain, but from emotion, threatening to silence him when right this moment his voice would matter the most. The volume rose in an epic crescendo, the beat took up speed and energy, like a wave steadily growing right before it would crash against the coast, paying no mind to who or what may be in its way. This tension of seeing the wave roll towards him, but at the same time being frozen in shock and awe at its enormous dimensions... He would seize Vicky’s suggestion and pour all his anxieties, fears, all his anger at the world into this fucking chorus.

“They’re shivers!” he belted out, surprised sometimes by what his voice was capable of, “They’re shivers, they’re shivers!”

He took a deep breath.

“My caresses are an act of violence!”

He pictured his fingers trailing along V’s sides. How he pulled him to his feet from the kitchen floor last night, then a flash… How he pinned him against the shower wall, or when he’d gently helped him into the passenger seat of his car outside of Arasaka Tower that night not even four months ago… A million little moments flashed before his eyes.

“Everything to you that’s holy – “he saw V’s smile, his eyes glowing golden in the morning sun, heard his laughter, saw him scrunch his nose and shake his head. He loved when V, otherwise so composed and stoic, made silly faces at Kerry’s jokes and teasing, or how his face lit up when they finally saw each other at the end of a long day… All the little mannerisms about him that made Kerry’s heart skip a beat usually – “gives you shivers, shivers, shivers!”

He drew out and held the last note for as long as he had air in his lungs, refused his voice to give in like it did during an earlier take. He poured his essence into this song so that part of him would always live on even when he was long dead and gone. The people should feel what he felt right now when they listened to this album, feel his love for V. Without him, he wouldn’t be standing here singing anymore.

As the music of the chorus slowly transitioned to the next verse, Kerry let his voice fade out along with it, only then he opened his eyes again. Vicky paused the backing track, slid her fingers across the control panel, then she looked up at him, bright green eyes gleaming with excitement.

“That was the one! Amazing work!” she praised, and Kerry shrugged and hinted a bow, playing it cool as if his chest wasn’t hurting, as if “Shivers” hadn’t just sent actual shivers down his spine. He’d had his struggles with this song, but it seemed like today he finally rediscovered his connection to it, found a reason as to why he had written it in the first place.

“We’re quickly gonna go through everything again and piece a demo together for you to have a listen,” Vicky said, “But damn, look at the time. Ya deserve a break!”

“Alright, preem,” Kerry said nonchalantly and exited the recording booth, “Imma go for a smoke, be back soon.”

“Sure, no rush!”

He grabbed his jacket from the sofa as Vicky and her team of sound engineers huddled together in front of her screen, then he left the room and turned right straight away. He was headed for the stairs to the roof. As always, there had been little to no reception in the booth, and he was immediately swamped by at least a dozen missed text messages and emails. He swiped all the ones that weren’t important away, as only one really mattered. Before entering the stairwell, he selected V's name and read through the two messages he’d sent him – not that long ago, thankfully.

11.27 a.m.

Appointment was interesting, to say the least. More only in person. She wants to do some preliminary tests today, more later this week. Gotta do some waiting atm. I’ll tell you everything once I’m out. Love you :*

2.06 p.m.

Finally outta here. You didn’t read my prev message yet, so you’re probably still in the booth, dw! I’ll call Del and be at the studio soon. See you on the roof. <3

It was just past 2.30 now, so unless the traffic was batshit, V was most likely already there. That certainly was the motivator Kerry needed to climb the narrow metal stairs of doom where MSM surely could’ve long invested in an elevator. There was one leading to the roof from the entrance lobby, just not from the booths for some reason – the reason being probably that guests deserved more luxury and comfort than the label’s talent and employees.

Kerry was greeted by a warm breeze as he opened the door to the rooftop lounge, and he didn’t need to look around for long to spot V. He’d once again pulled one of the unused lounge chairs from the bar-area to the railing and was looking across Charter Hill. For a split second the situation brought Kerry back to last night’s nightmare again, him out of breath, late for their meeting, and V gazing across their beloved city from far above. But other than in his dream V was facing him, and when he saw him walk out the stairwell, a little smile flashed across his face.

“Hey,” Kerry just said, and V slowly got up from his chair to pull Kerry into a quick hug as soon as he was in reach.

“Hey back at ya,” he said hoarsely, and Kerry chuckled. He pulled away only far enough to give V a quick kiss, brushing his thumbs across his cheeks. As usual lately V looked awfully tired and exhausted, and on top of it he didn’t quite seem to be able to hold Kerry’s gaze. That was never a good sign. Kerry’s chest grew tight once more, as if the wave had finally collapsed on top of him, had crushed his ribs and began to pull him into the open ocean along with the debris of his life.

“Bad news?” Kerry asked carefully, still out of breath, and V briefly looked at him. He put his hands on Kerry’s, as best as he could.

“Mixed news, rather,” he said, “It’s… a fuckin’ lot.”

V slowly pulled away and sank back into his seat. Kerry dragged another chair closer, right across from V, and also sat down.

“What did she say?” he asked, although he realized how vague of a question that was.

V crossed his legs and rested his head in his right hand, elbow propped up on the armrest. His eyes wandered to the ground, then were drawn back over to the city to his left.

“She seems quite confident that she can help me,” he explained, “Or well at least… she has a plan. Before making any promises, she needs to run more tests though. Got more appointments lined up the next few days…”

Kerry leaned forward, rested his elbows on his thighs, trying to catch V’s gaze from below now.

“What did she do today? Anything on the pills? Your… episodes?” he asked.

V didn’t reply immediately, picked every word carefully.

“Nothing concrete on the pills, yet. She’s gonna look at them later today or tomorrow. Promised an update as soon as she has one.”

He paused, and Kerry almost slipped off the edge of his seat from tension.

“About the attacks she said, after reading out my system, biomonitor, and so on, comparing Vik’s scans with hers… she can’t determine a definitive organic or technological source.”

Kerry continued to stare at V, who continued to not look at him, instead gazed into the distance, leaned back in his chair as if this wasn’t a major revelation. Although one Kerry wasn’t sure what to make of just yet, he just knew it was concrete and concerning alike.

“You… gotta explain that a bit more,” he then said, “Not sure I get it.”

“I’m not even sure I get it,” V shrugged and slowly turned his head back to finally face him again.

“She said, usually attacks like I had them have definitive organic causes, say… a tumor. Something that would show up on a scan one way or another, be it heightened brain activity in one area, or none at all, bleeding, you name it. But all okay in that regard, all things considered. Alternatively, the attacks could be caused by incompatible or otherwise faulty cyberware, but that’s not the case either. She said yes, my brain and nervous system are quite done for, thanks to the Relic and Dexter’s bullet. Brain’s also not being stimulated enough, because my engram is incompatible with it, so it’s kinda just… deteriorating more and more. Like a muscle you don’t use. That’s not exactly news, just confirming the situation is still bad.”

Kerry swallowed, and V took a deep breath.

“But my cyberware is working as normal, even the Relic is not acting up particularly. The brain damage alone, according to her, doesn’t explain these sudden and violent attacks.”

“’s it ‘cause the pills have been suppressing them, or…”

V shook his head, and Kerry frowned.

“She said, the degeneration that’s going on is actually not nearly as severe as it should be at this stage, ironically,” V said, “Fuentes said, if Alt told the truth in Mikoshi, and with how bad a state I was in back in June, I’d be a babbling mess already, or dead. She thinks the pills must’ve helped stabilize me in some way, slowed down the deterioration.”

“Okay…” Kerry nodded, still struggling to grasp this all at once. Even though it was a warm and sunny day he shivered. V was fumbling with his cast, in exchange for fumbling with his personal link port, what he usually did when he was nervous or otherwise intensely thinking about something.

“She confirmed what Vik said: there’s new connections where there were none a couple of months ago, which does not align with what a dying brain is capable of necessarily,” V continued, and again he turned away, “The severity and frequency of my attacks… She said something like that would happen at the earliest weeks after not taking any meds, and it would be a slow buildup, even in my state. Not this frequent and severe, after forgetting to take them once or twice.”

Kerry struggled to follow V’s explanations, couldn’t put together his calm matter-of-factness with the severity of the situation, the weight of the meaning behind his words.

“The… pills cause these attacks, even if you’re not takin’ them?” he concluded after a few moments of silence.

“Not the pills as such, I don’t think,” V shook his head, “Maybe the nanobots I still have in my body, or maybe my own, rewired nervous system, or a combo of both. Fuentes says it’s likely my own body is creating these as some kind of artificial, very intense withdrawal symptom. Like...”

V vaguely gestured into the air, towards the city, looking for words.

“Just how it’s natural to my body that I breathe without thinking, something was done to me that it’s now natural for me to almost die every time I forget to take my spiked pills. So, I continue to swallow them, so these nanobots can continue to… I don’t even wanna know.”

Kerry let himself fall back in his chair and looked up into the hazy blue sky. He was so out of it, so taken aback, he didn’t even want to light up a cigarette. He rubbed his face with both hands briefly, as if it would help rearrange the swirl of thoughts rushing through his head.

“Lemme just… process this for a second,” he said, “The pills helped you, but at the same time, the moment you stop taking them, actively kill you?”

“Again, not the pills as such. But I think the nanobots that were hidden in them may have rewired my brain to do that, yeah,” V said, tone still annoyingly calm. Meanwhile Kerry’s pulse had reached a new top speed. He sat up straight again and stared right at V, who was still leaned back, head in his hand, and watched the city traffic like this was a chill Sunday morning brunch.

“How can you be so… calm about this?” it finally burst out of Kerry, upset but at the same time also not wanting to be. He wasn’t even sure why he was so mad, he just hoped V would show a little more concern, more of a reaction about all of this. Instead, he just shrugged.

“I’ve been thinking…” he then slowly started, “Dunno. What if you’d just take me to the Philippines?”

Kerry’s heart physically skipped a beat, he sensed it, his Biomonitor even beeped a tiny alert again.

“The fuck do you mean?” he asked, again more harshly than intended, but V had knocked all air from his lungs with that question. V slowly turned to look at him again, and now Kerry saw that his eyes were teary, that that was the reason he had avoided to look at him. All of Kerry’s anger was gone in an instant.

“Vince,” he said, grabbed his chair and scooched closer, close enough so their knees touched now. He reached over to take V’s injured hand gently, held it between his palms. V looked away again.

“Talk to me,” he said, “What else did she say? What happened?”

V took a deep, shaky breath.

“I gotta do her a favor,” he said, “Well… it’s more or less a necessity, otherwise she probably can’t help me.”

“A favor?”

That could mean many things, but given V’s line of work, Kerry had an idea.

“She wants to see a man dead,” V confirmed it, “And he’s got some blueprints for a tech that might be able to save me. Might, maybe. If I even manage to get to him which is…”

He just stopped and shook his head, shifted in his seat, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Is it ‘cause normally you don’t take hit-jobs?” Kerry wondered out loud and V laughed weakly.

“Y’know, in this case, I might’ve considered it. Even if my life didn’t depend on it, I mean,” he said and lowered his right hand, placing it on Kerry’s’ in his lap.

“Guy’s a corpo shitbag – and not the kind I might’ve been able to relate to at some point. The type that stabs friends in their back for personal gain,” he said, “Problem is… he fucked out of Night City, off all of planet Earth four months ago.”

“He wha- …” Kerry started, but V’s sad, exhausted eyes answered his question before he’d fully asked it, “Not the fucking Crystal Palace?”

V shrugged… then he nodded.

“You’re jokin’…”

“When Fuentes told me his name, I thought I’d heard it somewhere before, and she said, no, can’t be,” V said, “But yes, I had… I’d read it on the list of people’s data I was supposed to steal for Blue-Eyes. He’s got a luxury apartment up there.”

“What the fuck…”

Kerry had no other words to describe what he was feeling.

“It’s like all paths always circle back to Blue-Eyes,” V said, looking across the city again, “He poisons me with his tech, sends me on a suicide mission to space to steal data about his own business partners, holding the key to some fucked up new way of eternal life most likely…”

“Wait, what was that about business partners?” Kerry interjected.

“Ah yeah, right,” V laughed wearily, “Missed that part… Fuentes showed me a vid of that guy she wants dead, meeting up with Blue-Eyes. She thinks he sold him some top-notch secret tech – the same tech I’m supposed to kill him for in his space-mansion.”

So, this was what it felt like to drown in a flood of information.

“Fuckin’ hell, V, I…” he mumbled, “Dunno what to say.”

“’s okay,” V said quietly, thumb circling Kerry’s knuckles, “I dunno what to say to this mess anymore either.”

He let his head fall back against the headrest of the chair, still looking across the city. Finally, Kerry followed his gaze. The sleek, clean apartment-blocks with dainty rooftop gardens of Charter Hill next to Japantown’s bustling high-tech, neon-clad skyscrapers. The city center with the towers at Corpo Plaza looming in the distance, stark in contrast against the pale sky, dozens of little AVs zooming between them all like flies around a rotting corpse.

“Either,” V said eventually, “I find a way into space, again, and this time with the added difficulty of Mr. B not noticing anything about it – good luck, with his ties to Orbital Air… I somehow manage to get a hold of the corpo guy, klep his data, make it back here in one piece… And hope that Fuentes is able to do anything with it at all...”

“Or you omit all of that and go back to Blue-Eyes right away…” Kerry guessed what V was about to say next. V didn’t look at him, just nodded.

“I’m surprised he didn’t call yet, to pester me about coming back, reconsider his generous offer,” he spat out. Then he looked back at Kerry, eyes glittering in the sunlight.

“Which is why I think…” he said, hoarsely, “Is it even gonna be worth it?”

“Vince…”

“No, really, if we’re both completely honest to ourselves… Is it really worth it?” V said, and Kerry reached up to cradle his face, scooched closer first, then finally just got up to sit down on the same chair as V, at his side properly, putting his arms around him to hold him, trying to soothe him somehow as he started shaking.

“I could just stock up on all the meds Vik can get his hands on,” he continued quietly against Kerry’s shoulder, “And you take me to the Philippines, and I’ll see how long I’ll last. No Blue-Eyes, no more games, no more tech or chips or whatnot trying to kill me faster than my own body is.”

Kerry held him even closer.

“It’s just gonna be us, and I’ll just slowly fade away, on my own terms,” V shuddered, as did Kerry.

“’s that what you want?” Kerry almost didn’t dare to ask, choking up. At the same time V’s voice, his pain was so raw, so visceral in this moment, it was impossible to come up with a counterargument. There was nothing Kerry could say against wanting to die on your own terms when all the terms attached to living were incompatible with who you were as a person.

The wind took up speed, stirred up some dust, howled around them for a moment, as if to sympathize with a situation that was truly only to scream about. Then V leaned into Kerry’s embrace finally.

“No,” he said quietly, “I wanna live. I wanna grow old with you but… All paths there seem impossible to survive.”

Kerry moved away just far enough to see V’s face again, and it always broke his heart to see him crying, as he didn’t often, especially not in public. Just tears quietly streaming down his face, no sniffling, or shudders – even now he so desperately tried to keep himself under control.

Kerry was surprised he wasn’t crying yet, even though he sure as hell felt like it. Maybe he was still too spent from the night before. He wished for nothing more right now than a peaceful future where neither of them had to cry and suffer anymore. On the other hand, though, seeing V emotional like this, was confirmation enough for him that he was still so full of life, not consumed by the apathy with no dreams or wishes or perspective for a future.

He reached up to gently brush away V’s tears, then he kissed his forehead. Hand still on his cheek he looked him in the eyes.

“I want that more than anything,” he said, “And hell, we’ll make it possible somehow.”

V closed his eyes and leaned forward, resting his head against Kerry’s chest. Kerry folded his arms around V’s shoulders and held him like this, his chin on his head, looking into the distance and trying to come up with a solution to a seemingly impossible problem.

For a couple of minutes, they just sat like this, squeezed onto the chair like they’d been squeezed onto the sofa the night before, holding each other close. Kerry let his thoughts wander as he watched the ever-changing slideshow of huge ads displayed across the skyscrapers ahead. A lot of them near the studio were obviously MSM-themed, new album releases, teasers for tour dates, collabs… he was there too, along with the UsCracks girls. “Off the Leash” was still at the top of the charts, four months in a row soon. Kerry’s career really had lifted off out of nowhere again, all thanks to V… and suddenly he realized he might be able to return the favor.

“I mean…” he slowly started, “Lee’s been dying to get me a gig at the Crystal Palace. And he still owes us both big-time for the shit with the pills.”

V said nothing at first, then he moved to see Kerry’s face, squinting and nose scrunched up as if he was trying to determine if he was joking or not.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Kerry said, “I mean it.”

“You mean, I’m s’pposed to just… tag along with you to your gig and while you’re on stage go off to murder that guy? And no one’s gonna bat an eye?”

“No,” Kerry said, “You’re gonna do it before my show. Don’t want you to miss the opportunity to see me live.”

Kerry was aiming to bring V’s smile back with a little teasing, but it sadly didn’t work.

“Kerry, this is serious,” he said with the deepest frown, “I can’t just… the security up there is insane. What am I gonna do, hide in your luggage and you smuggle me in?”

“No, you gonk,” Kerry said and poked V’s chest, “You’re gonna come officially. As my partner, as ya fuckin’ should be allowed to. Hell, if you’re so keen on keeping a low profile, come as part of my security team and personal bodyguard. But I’d much rather finally tell the medias the truth before they pull even more stupid lies and rumors outta their asses.”

V wasn’t convinced.

“If something goes wrong,” he said, eyes dark and serious, “How’s that gonna look like to the medias? ‘Kerry Eurodyne secretly involved in international murder plot’. Your career’s gonna be over.”

“Ah, wouldn’t bet on it,” Kerry shrugged it off, although obviously, the thought had crossed his mind. He just didn’t want to give into V’s worries, convinced that, with all they knew, they might as well be rooted in Blue-Eyes messing with his brain. He’d said himself that he didn’t feel like himself anymore sometimes, that whenever Mr. B called, his sense of self-preservation was switched off. He’d launched himself into space for that fucker, gone on a suicide-mission, V’s own words just minutes ago. But now, when this gig was something clearly going against what the blue-eyed bastard would want, V suddenly had never-ending doubts and hesitated, feared for consequences that previously hadn’t crossed his mind.

“Sometimes a tragic scandal can really spur on a career even more.”

“Kerry, this isn’t funny,” V said, growing annoyed, and Kerry gently stroked his cheek.

“Sorry,” he said, “Yeah, it’s not. None of this is.”

He took a moment to choose his next words carefully.

“No pressure, okay? Just sayin’… there’s always a way. And I’ll gladly be your vehicle to that damned space station, however you want it to go down in the end. If it means one less hurdle on the way to a cure. On the way to get the chance to grow old together.”

Finally, V’s expression softened a bit again.

“You think I should go for it?” he asked.

“You don’t need my permission, Vince,” Kerry chuckled softly, thumb against V’s chin, tracing the fine black tattoo reminiscent of wings decorating it, “I just know, if someone could pull it off, it’s you. Never met anyone as strong-willed, not even fucking Johnny Silverhand. So, no… Not gonna take you to the Philippines… unless it’s to celebrate the end of my successful world tour and you being free of any pain and other symptoms for at least a year.”

V sighed but smiled.

“Honestly, just tempted to say yes because I wanna see you try and convince Lee of this being a good plan.”

“Ha!” Kerry laughed, “Way ahead of ya. Gonna beat the fucker in his own game by making him believe he gets everything he wants when in fact he’s just a means to an end.”

V raised his eyebrows.

“Wow, look at you scheming like a professional… I’m impressed.”

“Learned from one of the best,” Kerry said with a wink, and now V finally smiled and let himself be guided into a brief kiss, both of them still side-by-side on the lounge chair on the top of the MSM studio roof. Kerry had almost forgotten that he was here to work, actually.

“Fuck… how long we been here now? Don’t wanna go back down,” he sighed, now the one to cling to V the same way he had clung to him this morning. V held him, caressed his head, hand coming to a halt at Kerry’s shoulders to massage him gently.

“Didn’t go well today?” he asked.

“No, it did, actually,” he admitted, “But still.”

“Want me to come down with ya?”

Kerry laughed quietly.

“Almost thought you’d say, ‘want me to go down on ya’, and I wouldn’t say no to that either.”

V snorted and pushed him back playfully.

“You’re so stupid,” he snickered.

“Hm-mh. But I’m your stupid.”

V shook his head and smiled, gave Kerry another quick kiss, then slowly detangled himself from their embrace.

“C’mon,” he said holding out his hand, and together they went back down to the recording booth.

V kept his promise of being all Kerry’s for the remainder of the day. Even though, obviously, while Kerry was in the booth again for final revisions, V was on his phone a lot, planning the upcoming days for sure. When they left the studio together much later, the sun beginning to set, one big looming goal was finally crossed off Kerry’s personal to do list though: Shivers was finished.

“So proud of you,” V whispered as he kissed Kerry in the elevator taking them down to the parking garage. Kerry grabbed on to his waist and held him close. He half hoped for an encore of their latest elevator and parking garage escapades, but V withdrew again when the doors opened with a soft “ding” at the very bottom. V seemed to have the same thought though.

“Not yet,” he just whispered against Kerry’s neck, riling him up even more. Kerry grumbled but then put his arm around V and walked him to his car.

“How are you feeling now that it’s finished?” V asked as they were already on the road back to Watson, “And what’s gonna come next? Never been through the whole album release pipeline before.”

Kerry honestly wasn’t quite sure how he felt. Even though he would’ve preferred to finalize another song first over Shivers, he’d had been working on this forever, the first notes and lyrics coming to him at one of his lowest points the previous year. Long before he even knew V existed. And yet, their so far brief but even more so intense time together had tremendously shaped this final version of the song. Kerry tapped the steering wheel a couple of times, the bass line still on his mind, as he joined the evening rush hour traffic against his better judgement.

“Pumped, for sure. Relieved a bit, maybe…” he said, and threw a quick glance over at V, and their eyes met. V nodded and smiled gently. He got it, he got him. Without having to explain it any further, not asking any questions that only would’ve planted further doubts into his mind. Kerry’s heart made a little leap.

“The studio bosses usually throw a big party or somethin’ for this occasion?” V then asked and Kerry chuckled.

“Can bet your ass on that,” he said, “To stroke their own dicks in front of everyone, mostly. Prolly on Friday or Saturday, if nothing else is up already. And next week, well, the usual interviews and stuff… And there’s already plans for a music video!”

He bit his lip and looked at V briefly.

“If I get a say, it’s gonna be a bit different, too.”

“Oh, in how far?” V seemed genuinely intrigued.

“I’m picturing something simple, black and white,” Kerry explained his vision, “You know, raw, bare to the bone. Some sick closeups, playin’ with light and darkness. Lifting the fog and shadow of what was and revealing the new me. An opener for the whole album in multiple ways.”

V listened attentively.

“Sounds damn preem,” he then said, his injured hand coming down on Kerry’s thigh a little awkwardly, “Rootin’ for ya that you’ll get to do all that you wanna do with it. Also damn, always here for sick closeups.”

Kerry reached down to hold V’s hand as best as he managed.

“Even though you get sick closeups of me all day, whenever you want?”

“Can never get enough of you. And I love seein’ you on the big screens in the city, knowing that even though you’re everywhere out there, for the whole world to see, you’re also only mine. And I’m one of the few people that get to see the real you every day.”

Kerry tried to squeeze V’s hand, but the cast stopped him once more.

“Fuck… can’t wait for that thing to come off, finally,” he muttered, and V chuckled.

“Appointment’s all set for that, this Friday.”

“Thank fuck…”

V laughed, but then his tone grew more serious again.

“On that matter… we might not see much of each other this week.”

Kerry’s heart, after being so light and at ease, sank like a rock now. The cityscape raced past them, a rainbow of bright neon lights all around as the sun began to set in the west behind them.

“Got pretty much all tests and stuff scheduled now, I’ll probably spend more time at the Med Center than at home this week. Not looking forward to it.”

“Fuck…”

“Mh-hm. And… I’ll look into that Crystal Palace guy, too. Rogue knows, Nix’ is onto his ass already, a few of the others, too.”

Their conversation earlier about the gig had trailed off, they hadn’t quite reached a conclusion yet.

“Good… we’re going through with it then?” Kerry asked, trying to downplay his tension as best as he could. He was sure they could make it work, somehow, but of course he also worried about the undoubtedly high stakes. But Blue-Eyes was off the table, and dying on the Philippines, too. Time was running out.

“We’ll have to be so fucking careful. Plan this thoroughly from start to finish,” V said sternly, then turned back to Kerry, “And I can’t do this without you. Not just the getting to and back from the Crystal Palace. We need to have a solid plan of action for while we’re there, too. So, if you got any doubts...”

“No doubts,” Kerry said before he even had the chance to second-guess himself, “I gotcha. Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it.”

V took a deep breath, nodded, closed his eyes.

“Alright. Okay, good,” he said, “I’ll ask in some favors here and there. And I’ll gladly help you with Lee, if he’s being difficult about this in some way.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll handle that fucker alright,” Kerry promised, his anger about his manager still far from subsided, “But also… how do you wanna go about it now?”

“What exactly?”

Kerry’s heart began to race again.

“Like… you wanna come as my bodyguard or… a little more officially?”

Dreaded silence, my old friend.

Kerry gripped the steering wheel tightly as they took the exit to Watson, neon lights fading behind them now. How officially known they wanted their relationship to be, had always been one of, if not the touchiest subject between them. Whether or not they made it public now or not didn’t really matter all that much, in the grand scheme of things. But Kerry realized that it mattered a lot to him right now. V’s decision wouldn’t impact their relationship in any way, Kerry would continue to love him regardless. But he’d be lying if he didn’t have a clear preference that so far had been clearly different from V’s. Additionally, V being so closed off the last few weeks didn’t help keeping the nagging voice in the back of Kerry’s mind as quiet as he would prefer it to be.

“I think…” V said slowly, “We’ve been over this too often already. So, not gonna repeat my points.”

Kerry swallowed, his shoulders tensing up again.

“Alright,” he pressed through gritted teeth, trying his best to keep his tone neutral, not have his disappointment show.

“But…” V added after a short pause, “You also made good points…”

Kerry looked over at him quickly. V stared off into the distance, but quite deliberately was Kerry’s impression. His hand was still resting on his leg, he hadn’t withdrawn, as he so often did when it came to this topic. Kerry didn’t want to turn away again, but he had to keep his eyes on the road. One car accident per month was enough.

“Ah, I dunno,” V said quietly then, “Do it however you wanna. Whatever you think works best.”

Kerry needed a moment to let his words sink in.

“You’re leaving it up to me?” he made sure.

“Yeah,” V nodded and turned back to look at him. Not far ahead their building came into sight.

“I trust you. I love you. I’m scared, but also… sometimes you gotta risk something to win something, right?”

“Damn right,” Kerry nodded, smiled and took V’s hand again, “Thanks, V.”

V chuckled.

“What for?”

“Everythin’. Trustin’ me. Believin’ me. And in me. Love ya.”

“Love ya, too.”

*****************

>> Next Chapter (tba)

*****************

Notes:

Oouuuhhhh this one has also been in the works for a while and man, that opening scene with Kerry's nightmare has been on my "wanna write" list forever, so happy I can finally share it!!

Also yes, some of you guessed it already, we're gonna go to the Crystal Palace soon - again xD If CDPR don't release a Crystal Palace DLC in the style of Mass Effect's Citadel DLC I gotta write it myself smh, sorry, can't help it! XD

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elvenbeard · 2 days

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