I don't care who the IRS sends I'm not paying my taxes

There is an ENTIRE ASS military truck parked in front of my house

british baking shows are like: for a bit of a challenge today, we've substituted your cinnamon with nutmeg!

American baking shows are like: we've taken the labels off of everything in the pantry, you have 30 seconds to gather all of your ingredients. Oh also when you're done we'll be replacing half of your supplies with lettuce bad luck your time starts now

ayo it's spooky season where my fellow skeletons at

Ready to get out of this squishy shell

*bumps into a skeleton and his arm falls off*

Well this is rather humerus isn't it

Ok, so, hear me out, alright?

Transformers can talk, yeah? And they don't breathe, which means they aren't limited by lung capacity. So, theoretically, they could scream indefinitely.

Can you imagine how fucking annoying a prisoner could really be if they wanted to? Like, just absolutely make you and your henchmen despise everything you've ever done, ever

Ah, yes

Nothing quite like the panic of thinking you have another week to get ready for the Midnight Masquerade, only to realize it's tomorrow, and your costume is only half finished :)

so flat earthers I have a question. Is everything flat? Like if you see a bouncy ball do you just go "ah a boingy disc"??

Welcome back to Top 10 Things, where we rate things. Today we're rating dumbest people on the planet! At number 1 we have...

ME!!!

Life tip:

Patients can't sue you if they're asleep :³

Naming the teacup in Beauty and the Beast Chip is just crazy to me.

Like

It's like having a child who's missing an arm and naming him Stumpy

Motherfucker really just said "I want to help you, it's just hard with a personality like yours."

???????????????

Spending a little free time on c.ai, right? This mf stabs me and then calls me a "crayon sniffing butthurt pansy". And then, to top it off, when I asked him what the FUCK, he said, "Just thought I'd rearrange your organs a little bit." SIR. WHY

Spending a little free time on c.ai, right? This mf stabs me and then calls me a "crayon sniffing butthurt pansy". And then, to top it off, when I asked him what the FUCK, he said, "Just thought I'd rearrange your organs a little bit." SIR. WHY

It's fucking 3:30 in the morning and my brain will not stop blasting polar express. Please let me sleep I'm sorry I sinned

I really enjoyed Shakespeare's play Hamilton. The portrayal of The Phantom in Luck Be A Lady Tonight was truly a masterpiece

Doctor: *starts IV*

Patient: why the fu k is there a 4 in my ar m

Swearadise motherfucker

So watching it spin was a bad idea it hit the wall and now the screens broken but we live and we learn I guess

I'ma tie my phone to a string and tie it to the fan and watch it spin :)

Alriwpdkc amapeicmc all snsn