a month ago i was just a girl but now i am a girl who adores a boy and gets to be adored back by that same boy and it's everything i've ever dreamt of even though for awhile i was convinced this simply wouldn't happen to me but life really does work out in crazy ways sometimes if you just wait long enough and it's a damn good feeling when it finally happens. yes you have to wait and yes you need to keep on dreaming. and cherish it once it's there. i've never been more content in my life.

hhhhhhhhhngggggh it took me 2 weeks to send a text to a cutie who i apparently like a lot to hang out and umm he organised us a lunch and art museum chill SO fast and my heart is going to burst because it's the exact thing my hopeless romantic dreamy girl era soul has been yearning for since ages and all it took was 10 seconds of bravery when i hit that send button and it's technically not a date but i'm lowkey taking it as a date because he was willing to drop everything in the middle of the day on a Wednesday to spend time with me because I'm in town only for 3 hours and now I'm going to live these three hours with an absolute cutiepie and we're GOING TO WATCH ART TOGETHER okay okay okay ya girlie is Living The Life

today i learned that a synonym to being touch starved is skin hunger and somehow this describes all of it so much more better. like it’s raw and vulnerable and just right. skin hunger. yes, devour me. 

hello i am once again in need to scream out my unbearable yearning to this empty void it’s insane i’m losing my mind how can falling in love feel so hopeless and dark and heavy. please spend every waking minute with me. let us connect our eyes once again across the room when everyone else is lost in their own thing. tell me once more how i glow. i miss your smile so bad. it’s stupid. i’m about to break. i need to be close to you again, i’m sorry i walked away. it feels like a movie, i’m silly and you’re silly and why the heck aren’t we silly together. tired of this tiptoeing, this guessing, this chase. i know what i want. you seem to want it too. but it’s far and i let it go and i miss you and it’s crazy. i can’t do anything right anymore. i just want to hug you. 

i'm very extremely concerningly strongly catching feelings for somebody who i definitely shouldn't be catching feelings for i'm slowly going insane

really trying not to fall but then again blue eyes, uncontrollable brown curls, writer, heart extremely pure and open and honest, stupidass banter whenever and whereever possible, golden retriever spirit inside a human body, tattoo and piercings, contagious laughter heard from 2 rooms away, NECKLACES!, confident and passionate, open to existential conversations.. about mental health in today's world but also cats, already listed this but WRITER, spontaneous sunset talks, sparkly eyed staring, intense sense of calm being around them, understanding that my two page story can very simply turn into a full book, accepting my way with words and finding witty comebacks to any nonsense i talk about, the overflowing feeling and comfort like we've already known each other for years, that stupidass smile that always sends me on my way back home, throwing around inspirational quotes and living their life to the max like nobody's business, possible future nomad, forgetting about personal space, cute little shirts and christmas socks during october, out of tune singing randomly in the middle of our conversations, restless sunshine energy, again this dumbass joking all the damn time, being genuinely curious, making me feel like i'm actually worth someone's full attention.

come to think of it, each and every quality of that person just appears to be somewhat the same what i've pictured for my SoulMateTM since i was like 10 this is SO strange how do you have all these things in one human being !? all those things that i've always ALWAYS listed as my fav things in the world. BAM - a real breathing human being existing with me and i somehow have the honor to be around them and also i'm not allowed to catch feelings when literally everything is as it has always supposed to be?! kinda just a little feels like i manifested them into the real world from my mind it's crazy cruel <3

but also like. so often i'm attracted to the idea of someone, to that mental image i've created of them in my head which slowly loses its connection to the real version of that human. this time? they keep fitting into that image, no changing, no play-pretend. it's somewhat gradual? like i keep finding these bits and pieces of that puzzle that when put together create something so warm and right and slow. i'm not obsessed i'm not stuck in my head? like it's okay to just be and be together in the same room and see where it goes. i'm not yearning, i'm not needing. i'm just feeling secure and sweet and certain that i can have them in my life no matter what and it only can get bigger and bigger. it's weird. it's usually not like that. it's so different.

maybe i've just grown up. maybe i've just learned to love myself and take in people who can see me and accept me.

yeah i'm definitely falling. slow and peaceful and anticipating and just content with it all.

every time i open netflix the grinch trailer starts playing on full screen and grinch saying “gesundheit” to his dog when it sneezes is the funniest thing i’ve ever seen like i never noticed it before and now i just full on wheeze every time it’s so random like of course he talks to his dog in german please

walk right off into the sea

the roaring sound of those blue-white waves mixes with my heartbeat, creating a tingle in my limbs. the sky above is colorless and still. silent sighs of the wind light up a thought in me. it feels exactly as if that abandoned beach is hiding a thousand souls somewhere near me, like they are desparate to get back to the place they've lost long ago. my eyes focused, i stare into the lonely green vastness of the ocean. somewhere there, somewhere far away, float all the anwsers to those questions i asks myself daily. sometimes my thoughts find their way to that very same beach, even when it would be smarter not to wander away from the right path. standing there, my foggy mind is cleared by the shadows of the silence. the rocks seem to be whispering my name and the quiet songs of the forest behind me softly caress my tired body. the flow of the waves in front of my bare feet is rhythmic. calm. as the chaos of the outside world slowly fades away, my heart can finally find a safe haven to settle down to, too. the clouds open up and the gentle rain buries my doubts. i don’t look up. those tears don't belong to me. carefully, i lower my body into a sitting position, lie down then and close my eyes. something startles and falls silent deep inside of me. when i open my eyes again, the rain has stopped, horizon gleaming with a blue glow. the calming scent of that fresh sea water forces itself into my soul. it stays there and brings peace of mind along.

for @midsommers, my own personal lighthouse story. thanks for the gifs and inspiration.

i ended up scrolling through random people’s public nanowrimo playlists on spotify and half of these looked like they could be MY playlists.. is it like.. do like writers have the same music taste or what? it’s kinda creepy.

listening to taylor and writing poetic angst yeah. hints of jjpope.

i’m hoping to post it later maybe.

not me watching another war drama series yet again and rooting for the gay couple

just passing by to say how it’s officially below zero degrees celsius aka 30 fahrenheit outside and i’m just baking and listening to folklore and reading and i could live in this moment forever

...

hey so does anybody want to move to a nice little house somewhere in the middle of the woods and just spend our days there peacefully?

i can cook and keep you warm while you do your important stuff and then we can go for a walk in the forest and eat blueberries and jump in puddles and later we can cuddle by the fire and i’ll read you my favorite stories as you slowly fall asleep curled next to me. i’d write poetry and you could paint and we’d watch the rain together and go stargazing on clear nights. just me and you and the quiet wonders of the earth.

yeah i’m accepting applications until sunday and then we can go.

I finished reading a 500 pages long novel in 3 days. Woah. I’ve missed reading. I’ve missed the feeling of being completely drawn into another world like that. It’s overwhelmingly consuming, but in a good way.

I wonder if one day I will write something like this, too. Something that can be someone’s escape from reality. I hope I will.

[something i’m working on right now]

I shouldn't have yearned for your majestic brightness when all I've ever known is hollow bones and purple marks. These two don't go together. The Moon cannot truly love The Sun, dusk and dawn shall never meet. But still, I tricked you into believing I was worth. And now you'll learn your lesson.

One last time I kiss your collarbone. You taste like broken dreams, foggy November mornings and gold against my lips. It burns. I need to fight hard to hold back a cry. I'm shivering all over. You have no idea.

My tears are cold and silent, only a shadow of love. Right now, I wish that morning never comes.