Found these old graphics I made, still like ‘em so I thought I’d post them here! 

i literally am unfit for human relationships but im being so brave about it

self-esteem issues are back and its destroying my fuckin life again. it's not in the uwu cute way where i gotta learn to love myself or whatever its really like i am convinced that my partner is going to realize they can do better any second now and leave me behind. despite their constant assurances and tokens of love that they give me. and therefore im not able to put as much of my self into the relationship as i want to, and its the same with my friendships. like i just cannot be all in because i have this constant gnawing feeling that theyre going to be let down and i'm so scared. they all tell me they love me and all i can think is 'no, you don't. it's such an awful instinct to have in the back of my head. i don't know how to fix this!! im pretty sure i've successfully stopped it from leaking out too much outwardly, i don't think the can tell. i can't help but feel this deep stabbing envy when my partner is able to just Do and Be all the things i wish i could. and like. things might be easier if i could just figure out who and what i'm supposed to be and could just Be That instead of trying to be them/the idealized version of me that lives in my head. but i just have no fucking clue who that is or how im supposed to get there. i don't need to be them! they're mine (somewhat) and that's enough. i just need to settle naturally into myself and find some security. i feel like im all in flux. i feel like the robot leaking blood everywhere and frantically trying to keep it in before anyone notices. i would like to ask my loved ones for help because they would help me. but what can i ask of them? i don't know how to fix this! i don't know what to do and im sick of feeling like im existing in the world behind a pane of glass. im sick of not knowing what to do. im sick of survival mode. someone please tell me who i am so i can finally rest. i just need to be sure. i can't love you without moorings.

“I think I want to be in love with you but I don’t know how.”

— Angela Carter

very glad i have therapy tomorrow. literally how else am i supposed to process being sick for a month, my grandma dying, doing drugs while blackout drunk and then throwing up blood in my elevator. what the fuck. what am i supposed to do with any of that. i have internal bleeding and im supposed to be able to focus on uni? im gonna lose it. i need to take a leave of absence to just lie in the sun and kiss my lovers and paint or im gonna crack in half.

whenever people look down on me for not being a fully "functional" human being by society's standards i try to remind myself that if they were in my shoes they would have shot themselves in the head by now

my desire to have e over to keep me company thru a bad night vs. my subsequent inability to hide my fucked up arms FIGHT

im saying this here because there's nowhere else i can say it. and because if i don't say it i will explode. im cutting up all my arms really has added an entire extra stress to my life, now i have to keep it hidden. i am undressed far too often to reliably keep the secret safe and i can't take it getting out.

definitely forgot how good it felt to see cuts/scratches on my skin and for it to hurt. just feels Good and Right. which i guess is another reminder not to take my feelings at face value cos somethings clearly fucked up in my barometer

UGH for gods sake i didnt wanna wear long sleeves tomorrow

like i don't want to truly. but for a little bit i wanna think about dying in this apartment. choking on my own blood in the ikea lamplight. blood pooling around the bottom of my fridge and spotting on the letter magnets. i'd probably be the first person to die in this sparkling new building. they'd wonder why i didnt just go over the balcony, but i like the violence. i wouldnt be so pretty if i hit the ground face-first though. i've got a white dress i could die in. maybe put on some lipstick.

this depressive episode is really kicking my ass. what if i took double my med dose. what if i became vegan. what if i simply moved out of my apartment instead of cleaning it. what if i blocked everyone who likes me. what if i got liposuction. what if i picked up those scissors. what if i never ate again. what if i downed two bottles of wine. what if i never went to sleep. what if i drew blood. what if i don't actually have feelings and just pretend i do for fun. what if i miss the way my skin looked when it was coated in open wounds.

something about being very aware that i am repeating some old cycles and still feeling like i can't do anything to stop it. like i know. i know. but i really don't feel like im piloting this thing. me when im alone is a different person than me when im with any of you. when im with you, part of me still thinks i have to do whatever you say to survive this. when im alone i know i don't. how do i unite?

im aware this is just the depressive episode talking but if one more person decides theyre interested in me im gonna be sick. don't be nice to me, you don't want me. i know im pretty but its aposematism for gods sake

Alive by the fury of god and the grace of the devil, we wander the world looking for a way out neither being will notice.

I HOLD THE SELF IN MY HANDS AND I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO DESTROY IT

Lacrimosa (2018) - Nicola Samorì