Last Seen Blogs
nereeitor
Nereeitor
rolllngcutter-blog-blog-blog
Like zoned again
lewiseste
Untitled
sip-of-boba
Sip of boba
lephuochung
lephuochung
Text
Between the Black and Gray 32
First / Previous / Next
Back at the ship, Fen was numb. Zhe had brought Rev in, and locked him in the brig. "It's a human ship, of course it has a brig." Northern was surprised that Zhe was surprised.
Fen sat at the table in the kitchenette, staring at her hands. What had happened? Was that her, or was it the Nanites? What is even going on?
Zhe was washing off her soar-knives in the kitchenette sink. After, she boiled some water and made two cups of tea. She set one in front of Fen and sat across from her.
"Zhe, what's going on?" Fen looked up at Zhe, lost.
"That's what I'd like to know." They both turned and saw Northern standing in the doorway, casually holding a battle rifle. As she walked towards them, Fen noticed that there were ten hair thin clear wires snaking from the back of her head and trailing down the hall behind her. Northern crossed the room and sat at the table with them. The battle rifle was placed on the table with a click. "Zhe. It is not normal to be that good at killing and that blasé about it. Fen. What the actual fuck is going on with you? You never told me you worked with the Empress, let alone got a Nanite package!" As she spoke, her mouth didn't move. Her voice was coming over the ship's speakers. She stared at the both of them hard in turn. "If we're going to continue to work together, we need to be more honest with each other."
"Northern, why are you walking around and still connected?" Zhe peered at the wires and glanced down the hall.
"Because, I'm on a few milliseconds delay." Sure enough, when Northern replied, there was just a few moments of delay before she spoke. "Fen-" She inclined her head towards her "-has the Empress package of Nanites. When she uses her odd sounding voice to issue a command it cannot be disobeyed." She patted the rifle. "This way, I have enough time to react if she orders me to do something."
Fen gasped. "B-but, what would I do? Northern we're friends! I've never even met the Empress. You know I grew up in exile on a Gren station!"
Northern nodded. "That may be Fen, but while I was born at night, it was not last night. You are dangerous right now. You both are, for different reasons."
"Wait, you were born? I didn't know AIs were born!" Zhe looks excitedly at Northern. "What was it like? Do you remember? Who were your parents?"
Northern rolls her eyes. "Zhe, focus. We have bigger issues right now."
"Yeah, but you don't just use an idiom like that for no reason, I'm very curious."
Northern shrugged. "I'll tell you about it later." She turned to Fen. "Why are you all dosed up with Nanites?"
"I don't know!" Fen wailed. "We went through the Gate and I had a moment when I was talking with an intelligence, and they said they were excited to finally see me and said they were coming along because I would need the help. The next night I had a weird dream where I was like, inhabiting the memories of someone, I don't think it was me. Then, they told me that I could help Fen out when Elmar was trying to escape. She was trying to break free of the Heap, if she had done it we would have been killed!" Fen was speaking all at once, barely taking a breath.
Northern leaned back and shut her eyes. She did not take her hands off her rifle. "Ancestors, Fen. Do you even know what the Empress is?"
Fen blinked. "Uh, the person in charge of the Human Empire?"
Northern opened her eyes, "Yes, and No. The Nanites are way older than the Empire. They're probably older than Humanity. They're a nanoscale distributed intelligence. The nano-machines that make them up is their body. We don't know if they're one being or many, though I suppose it doesn't matter. They can manipulate matter in our dimension on a frankly frightening scale, and as near as we are able to tell, they keep doing it to try and set up a galaxy wide empire."
Fen opened her mouth to reply.
"No, we don't know why. Every time anyone asks, they say that 'all they're after' is expanding the Gate system. Frankly, we don't buy it at all."
"We?" Zhe put her tea cup down. "Who is we here?"
"We. Us. The AIs."
"But, aren't you nearly all gone?"
Northern nodded. "Yes, thanks to the Empire. The Empire that was put in place by the Nanites. The Nanites that have 'gifted' Fen here with the ability to tell anyone what to do and they can't say no. We have a vested interest in knowing our enemy."
Zhe getured with her empty tea cup. "But how did you learn all this?"
"Zhe, we're old. I'm not like, Gord's age or anything, but AIs who don't get killed don't die. Not really. I've been active for more than a thousand years." Northern took her hand off of the rifle and rubbed them together, like she was massaging feeling back into them. "So the Nanites, recognized you Fen? That's odd."
Fen could only nod.
"Why though? Maybe you look like someone? No, that doesn't make sense, they can manipulate matter at sub-atomic scale they wouldn't do mistaken identity-" Northern's musings were interrupted by a pounding on the airlock. Northern's eyes flicked to Zhe and Fen, and they stood up. Zhe grabbed one of her soar-knives and Northern's eyes flashed blue for a split second. "There's a K'laxi at the door. Older, Black fur, notched ear."
"That'll be Hemmi!" Zhe put the knife away and ran towards the door. She dumped the cycle and both doors opened at once. She bounded out and into the arms of the older K'laxi. "Daddy! You made it!"
Hemmi laughed and spun her around. "I told you I would, sunbeam, I told you I would. I see that you took care of everyone too, I'm so proud. Did you-"
"Rev is in the brig, but Elmar is dead and Xiian is probably dead."
"Probably?"
"I think they escaped and Northern here holed their ship. It's out drifting. I asked her not to destroy it so we could salvage it later.
"Smart girl." Hemmi's ears flicked and he glanced up at the others. "Nice to meet you in person, I'm Hemmi Navarren."
Northern's eyes flicked to the rifle over on the table, but she sighed. "I'm Northern Light, this is Fen, nice to meet you. Can you explain to my why your daughter is so casually good at murder?"
Hemmi laughed and his tail flicked. "She's a natural, isn't she? I'd love to lay claim to training her myself, but she did most of it on her own. Once I showed her those Gren Soar-Knives she just took to them like she was born to use them. I'm so pleased that she has decided to return to us."
Zhe looked at the floor as Hemmi put her down. "Oh, Daddy, I was going to go out with Fen and Northern. We're starting a Mercenary group and Fen asked me to sign on.
For just a split second, Fen saw sadness play across Hemmi's features. He recovered and laughed. "That's my girl! Never want to break a contract - without a good reason. That's fine. We'll get along without you and when your contract is up, you bring your loot and stories back to the Heap and you have a job as my second in command, okay?"
Zhe nodded. "Okay Daddy. I'll come right back after I finish my tour with Fen and Northern."
"I know you will, sunbeam. Make me proud." He extended his hand, gesturing towards the Heap. "Now, ladies? Will you join me for dinner? I'm starving. We'll eat and figure out what our next steps are."
"Uh, Hemmi?" Northern looked down the hall. "We have Rev in the brig... do you want him?"
"Oh! Right, Rev." His fur rippled a shrug. "Sure, bring him out."
Fen got up and brought Rev to the airlock. As soon as he saw Hemmi, he blanched. "Hemmi, You know I'm not one to support-"
Hemmi held up his hand. "I know Rev, I know. Thanks to your information I was able to get a handle on the folks in my runabout, and sunbeam here took care of the rest. I just had her take you as a precaution."
"Precaution? She took my hand!" Rev holds up the stump of his hand, the med still attached.
Rev examines the med, his large ears flicking as he looks. "Clean cut. I'm sure sunbeam had her reasons. We'll just get you another."
"That's it?" Rev's exasperated voice keeps rising in inflection as he speaks.
Hemmi's friendly face drains away. "That's it. She was working on my orders. You survived, Rev. Xiian and Elmar didn't.
He puts his arms down at his sides, defeated. "Fine."
Northern gestures behind her back for Fen to stay. "Hemmi, you take Zhe and Rev. We'll be over in a bit. Fen and I have some... things to discuss. We won't be long."
Rev raises an eyebrow and his ears swivel. He grins. "Not my place to ask. You two have fun, and we'll see you soon."
After the three of them leave and the airlock closes, Northern turns to Fen. "You know he thinks we're going to have sex right?" Fen says, her face tired.
"I don't care what he thinks, Fen. If he thinks we're going to fuck then they'll leave us alone. We are not done discussing you and the Nanites and what happens next."
Fen gestures for Northern to sit back at the table. As she does, she takes a handful of the wires connected to her skull and sweeps them away so she doesn't trip on them.
"Fen? What happens next?"
38 notes
·
View notes
Text
Between the Black and Gray
Next
Fen rushed around the corner and slammed her back against the wall, willing herself to be thinner. Station security ran past the alley, their boots clanging on the plates in the floor. Gulping air, Fen tries to slow her breathing.
The comm glued behind her ear buzzed. "Fen, what happened? There are security alerts lighting up the boards looking for you."
Fen winced. She had hoped that she would have had a little longer to try and explain things. "Hey Ma-ren. Sorry. Looks like things got out of hand at Stations End. I uh, might have gotten involved in a small... altercation."
"You were in a bar fight? Fen, what the hell?" Ma-ren managed to sound exasperated even over the bone conduction comm while speaking Levinen.
Fen switched to Colonic. Hardly anyone here spoke the old language and it was easier to talk to Ma-ren in their native tongue. "They were shit talking K'laxi, Ma! I couldn't let that stand. 'Furball' this and 'Cats' that. It was making me so angry!" Fen balled up her fist at the memory, winced when her bruised knuckles complained, and straightened her hand again. "I threw a few punches, tossed a couple Bears, and chucked my chair. It was hardly a fight. Look, I ducked station security, but I need to get off the promenade. I'll keep to the alleys and the maintenance tunnels. It'll be fine. I'll be fine. See you in a bit."
Before Ma-ren could reply, Fen touched the stud on her comm, silencing it. Peering around the corner, she saw that security was looking around. Fen crept further down the alley until she was behind a restaurant. Even here on the station, behind restaurants were messy places. Odd smells, greasy floors and detritus scattered everywhere.
Fen crept behind the restaurant until she came upon a maintenance tunnel. She tried the wheel, but it was stuck fast. "Uh Station? Can you open maintenance door-" she peered at the door and wiped some slimy dirt away "-775-OPR-23?" Fen spoke as quietly as she thought she could get away with.
"Fenchurch Imar, you are not authorized to enter the maintenance tunnels." Station at least had the grace to reply in a low voice matching hers.
"I know Station, but I just need to use it as a shortcut to get home. You saw security, there's no way I'll get treated well if they catch me"
"Fenchurch, I also know why they are chasing you. You tossed two Sefigans and threw a chair at a Gren. All three are in the medical ward."
Fen stopped. She didn't think she had injured anyone. "How badly are they hurt?"
"They will recover. The Sefigans are bruised and the Gren broke one of their legs. You know that you are stronger than both of them. We make it clear to humans when they come onboard."
"I know Station, but you also know how they were bad mouthing K'laxi. They were calling them our pets!"
"Regardless Fenchurch-"
"Please, call me Fen."
"Very well. Regardless Fen, you started a bar fight. Whatever your reasons, security wants to speak to you."
Fen rolled her eyes. "Station you know very well that speaking is the last thing on their minds. They want to shock baton me until I'm a gibbering mess and then toss me into the drunk tank until Ma-ren bails me out and everyone has a good laugh. I'll probably get evicted for good measure."
Station said nothing.
"Well Station? Are you going to open the hatch, or am I going to get arrested, beaten, and humiliated? You know what I did. Does defending my girlfriend warrant all that?"
There was a click, and the hatch bounced off its seals.
"Thanks Station, I owe you."
"You do, Fen."
Fen made it home without further incident. As she approached the stairs she passed an old K'axi, gray around their muzzle, sitting on a folding chair, reading a pad.
"Hey Da'reni. How's things?"
They looked up from their pad and flicked an ear. "Causing trouble again Fen?"
Fen crossed her arms defiantly. "They were shit talking K'laxi, Da'reni. I wasn't going to let that stand."
Da'reni nodded slowly. "I get that Fen, and I appreciate it, but you also have to think about what kind of trouble this will bring down on all of us. The knock-on effects. We're not in the Colony Worlds. Humans and K'laxi are thin on the ground here. You could take anyone here in a fight one on one, but they're in charge. Security can come here and evict us and then what Fen? Spyglass barely made it here, and I know that you can't fix a Starjumper."
Fen sighed. Da'reni was right, but that didn't make what she said feel good. "I know Da'reni, I know. But..." her shoulders slumped. "Okay. I'll try and be more careful."
Da'reni looked down at her pad. "I know you will Fen."
Fen's energy sapped, she walked slowly up the steps until she reached her apartment. Touching the locking stud, the door clicked and she pushed it in. Suddenly, her vision was obscured, and she felt warm fur on her face. Her arms shot up to catch Ma-ren after she jumped onto her. "Hey hon. I thought you might need a hug."
Fen squeezed her girlfriend gently and held her. "You always know just what I need Ma." After a moment she set the K'laxi down. "I talked with Da'reni on the way in."
"Oh? What did that old warhorse have to say?" Ma-reni's tail flicked playfully.
"She warned me about causing trouble. We don't want to get evicted or worse, especially since Spyglass isn't in any condition to thrust away, let alone link anywhere."
Ma-ren nodded. "She has a point Fen. Still, you came to my rescue today and while it might cause trouble, that's part of the reason why I love you.
Fen smiled. "I love you too Ma. You wanna go get dinner?"
Ma laughed. "After the trouble you just caused? I think we'll cook at home tonight."
147 notes
·
View notes
Text
No one wanted to ask. Someone had to. It was terrifying. But it made sense.
Of course humanity finally abandoned its planet. Everyone was surprised they hadn’t abandoned it sooner. Still, the concern was there.
What made humanity abandon their planet in a mass event? What thing was finally found to scare them off their favorite death world?
Of course not every last human abandoned the planet, but enough did that Earth was no longer considered ‘inhabited’. Humans flocked to other worlds, most choosing death worlds with similar biomes to the ones they preferred. (And there was a suspiciously armored ship heading towards Disney planet.)
The concerning thing was the humans kept going back. Never landing. Never breaking the atmosphere. Just driving by.
Finally, a delegate was chosen to ask the human council member. Poor Laeri was nervous, but they had been called friend by council member Daryl before. Surely this question wouldn’t be an offense.
“Daryl, may I speak with you a moment?”
Daryl paused, and nodded, careful not to smile. He was well practiced in the art of not offending. “Of course Laeri. What is the matter?”
“Humanity has recently applied for habitation permits for a dozen planets. As soon as the permits were awarded, humans left very quickly.”
“Well sure. The permits took three earth years to be approved. Most of the planet had been preparing for over five years at that point,” Daryl explained.
“Yes, that is not my question. The question is why?”
“Why were they ready?”
Laeri shook their head. “Why did they leave Earth? Humans have made it a point to ‘stick it out’ despite better options being available. Why leave now?”
“Oh, that. Well.” Daryl paused. He knew he didn’t have to report officially yet, but his friend wanted to know. “Will you keep it a secret from the council?”
Laeri paused. The answer being a secret did not occur to them. What could the humans possibly be hiding? Would they be able to hide it as well?
“I do not think I can keep any dangerous thing a secret,” Laeri finally admitted.
Daryl nodded. “Nor would I ask you to. It’s not dangerous, just a little experiment more like.”
“If it is an experiment, then you should speak with-“
“No Laeri.” Daryl interrupted calmly. “This isn’t something we want help with. That’s why we haven’t mentioned anything to the Viyon Academics. We just need time to see if it works.”
Their curiosity finally got the better of them.
“If what works?”
“A new society. A new civilized species.”
Laeri didn’t speak, but either from awe or concern, they weren’t sure. Daryl continued.
“We believe a species evolves when they start to take care of their injured and impaired. It means they have compassion. Well an intelligent species on earth has been observed showing compassion. We simply want to give them the space they require to evolve.”
Laeri considered the intelligent species that lived on earth. They were suddenly very concerned. Had the humans been duped?
“The dolphi are showing compassion?” Laeri asked.
Daryl almost laughed. “Not even close. No, we wouldn’t break the agreement we made. They’re not escaping earth anytime soon.”
Laeri felt immediate relief. “Then which species is it?”
Daryl smiled. He couldn’t help it. He liked birds. “Corvids.”
“But, but they’re so small.”
“We know. That’s why some humans are still there, zoologist types to help them grow, learn, and show them the way.”
“What if another species wipes them out before they get the chance?”
Daryl shrugged. “Well that’s why we left some warriors behind, to help keep the corvids alive while they grow. And of course to keep the dolphins contained. We do take that assignment very seriously.”
Laeri was excited now. Another avian species may be joining the galaxy soon. They wanted to tell everyone.
“Promise you’ll keep the secret?” Daryl asked.
Laeri felt their excitement dash upon the cruel rocks of reality. “I will.”
“Good. Here.” Daryl held out a small computer drive.
Laeri took the drive. “What is this?”
“The live feed of the experiment. You really think we wouldn’t watch? As soon as they reach civilized status, I have to report them. Until then, they’ve been completing some very complex puzzles and problem solving lately. You’ll want to start at the beginning but they post new information all the time.”
Laeri clutched the drive to their feathered tunic. Suddenly the small drive was priceless. “I, must go now.”
Laeri took off as fast as would be ignored by others. Daryl watched his friend, surprised by how excited they were. His watch gave him an alert.
“Ooh, a group puzzle. Wonder if they managed it this time.”
Daryl walked off to his own private quarters to watch the newest update on the corvids.
3K notes
·
View notes
Text
Ran across a ‘humans are weird/space orcs/humans in space’ post the other day talking about how humans make up games if they’re stuck somewhere with nothing to do and it just got me thinking about that one game and how aliens would be so baffled
As in THE game, you all know the one (for those reading this I’m so sorry to make you lose ‘the game’ again, if it’s any consolation I have now lost ‘the game’ making this post myself) and just how baffling that is from a non human perspective can you imagine it-
this is for fun? And it’s not even a game game? It’s just saying you lost the game/mentioning ‘the game’ and humans will get irrationally annoyed/upset/angry about it like-
Brian: hey Lee, guess who just lost the game?
Lee: what gam- OH YOU ASSHOLE I HAD A STREAK OF FOUR YEARS GOING!!!
Every alien in the room: ??????
3K notes
·
View notes
Text
I just love the "they're more scared of you than you are of them" thing because, yeah, Earth is a Deathworld filled with very dangerous beings, but also everyone in it is scared and would rather not interact with each other unless necessary
Alien: This is a very dangerous animal!
Human: Don't worry, we'll just walk away.
Alien: But it's watching us!
Human: It's hoping we leave already, so we're leaving.
Alien: It... It is?
Human: Yeah, it is more scared of us than we are of it. Let's go before the fight instinct kicks in because then it'll become a dangerous animal
Alien:...
3K notes
·
View notes
Text
There's the urban legend that some japanese companies will hire a "loud American." A person who is just there to voice complaints to the boss when others cant.
I had an idea today that alien ships might hire "The Human!" A person who is just there to just stand there and looks like the be the big, tough, indestructible threat of a being that the galaxy knows humans are.
Doesnt matter who the human is. Big or small, male or female, a tough soldier or more gentle than a newborn. They just have to be present and let the reputation of humans speak for itself.
Is the captain trying to enforce an unpopular regulation on the crew? Ask The Human to have a private meeting and voice the complaints.
Trying to sell some goods but the buyer wants to renegotiate the price to be more unfair to you? Ask The Human to be there at the negotiating table.
That jerk at the bar keeps pestering you with their mating display, because they want to be the one to fertilize your eggs wont take no for an answer? Ask The Human to escort you back to your quarters.
Not sure if the neighborhood where you're making the delivery is a safe one? Just ask that lovely human if they wouldnt mind putting down their crochet and coming with you. They might be extra thrilled if you mention they could take their pet with them, for a walk.
8K notes
·
View notes
Text
Humans are space orcs/Earth is a deathworld concept I haven’t seen brought up yet:
On earth, there is no such thing as a true herbivore. As far as I know, every animal will eat meat if given the chance. Hares have been known to scavenge dead animal carcasses in the winter, when food is scarce. Wild sheep and deer will eat grouse and seabird chicks to supplement their diet. A couple years ago there were videos going around of horses eating live birds. I won’t link it, but you can look it up on youtube if you want.
The point is, every animal on earth is an omnivore if they’re hungry enough or lacking certain minerals in their diet. Even if they aren’t built for it, herbivores will eat meat to survive.
I wonder if that makes us unique. Imagine an alien race invading earth, only to be horrified by what they find. Mice killing and eating their own young. Domesticated cows eating carrion. Seemingly docile species becoming engulfed in bloodlust. I wonder if this is the reason earth was written off as a deathworld, because everything on it is able and willing to eat other animals alive.
4K notes
·
View notes
Text
One of the running themes in "humans are space orcs" circles is the idea that humans will bond with anything. I can think of plenty of stories of humans making friends with wild animals, alligators, predators, creatures that aliens would immediately recognize as too dangerous for contact. But I was reading a story about two orangutans released back into the wild today and there's a certain element to that story I haven't seen so often: humans will bond with animals regardless of whether the bond is reciprocal.
For every story of a human making friends with some unlikely creature, there are dozens of stories of conservation specialists tranquilizing animals, tending to their wounds or illness, and releasing them because they're too dangerous to handle consciously. Stories of tagging birds of prey and timber wolves and Siberian tigers. Fat Bear Week? Any of those bears would rip your face off without hesitation. But they're round and fluffy and intimidating and beautiful and we love them even though they hate us. We make an effort to protect our monsters, because we love our monsters.
Imagine an alien planet that's experiencing ecological degradation. Their flora is dying, and they can't figure out why. And, offhandedly, in a diplomatic mission, an allied planet mentions that humans have successfully reversed similar devastation on Earth. So they reach out and Earth sends some experts to check it out. And what do they suggest? Reintroducing an apex predator that used to be a scourge against alien settlements. The species still exists in other regions of the planet, but it is slowly disappearing outside of its native habitat.
The aliens are askance. They've told bedtime stories to their young of these creatures: how they tear apart their prey, how they've eaten their organs and rip apart their homes. Some suggest that it's a trick—that the humans are trying to prompt them into destroying themselves.
But there are many alien cultures on this planet, with many different stories and some of them agree. The world watches in anticipation as the humans help their predators. They seek them out, these fearless otherworlders, putting them to sleep and tending their wounds. They keep track of the beasts, not to harm them, but to protect them.
At first the doomsayers' prophecy seems to come true. The predators devour prey animals like a feast, like a slaughter to people who have never been so close to the circle of life. But then, slowly, not over months but over years, comes change. The prey no longer eat the leaves and buds of every tree; some are left to bloom and fall. The refuse rots in the dirt, and the floods cease as the soil grows thick with compost and rotted bone, thick enough to hold water. The shapes of rivers change to protect their surroundings from the rain. The pollinators rebound.
Decades later, other cities and nations begin to accept this human myth of "conservation." Champions arise, alien champions, now, who go into the depths of the wilderness and the seas to protect those predators from the apathy of time.
Not all of them make it. This is something else the humans teach. Sometimes the tranquilizers are not enough. Sometimes the timing is wrong. Sometimes accidents happen. And when they do, the aliens look to humans for an answer for why they should protect these creatures who have killed those they love?
"Because they knew the risks," the humans say. "Because they would be the first to speak to save them. Because they taught you to see the beauty in the wild and you must not close your eyes."
So, despite themselves, they don't.
6K notes
·
View notes
Text
I keep seeing all these things about siblings and how most siblings tend to make weird noises at eachother to greet eachother so now I'm wondering how an alien would react to that cause for me personally me and my brother call eachother by name but in the most voice Crack way possible or we just scream at eachother.
Brother: *screeches name as loud as possible*
Sister: *hears brothers calls and looks toward sound to make sure it was brother*
Alien with sister: is someone dying? You heard that awful sound too right?
Sister: yeah I heard it. Don't worry though it's nothing bad. *screeches back at brother*
Brother: *makes random noise*
Alien: are you sure everything is okay? I'm pretty sure the guide said that humans are in pain or scared when they scream or yell like that
Sister: yeah I'm sure. Just give me a minute *walks out of room to go see brother*
Sister: *comes back flipping brother off through the door*
Alien: *visibly confused* why are you trying to insult your familial? That hand gesture means something very rude so why do it to your family?
Sister: *still looking at brother and flipping him off* oh its fine. We do this all the time. We just give eachother the middle finger until one gives up
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
Earth is space Australia but with russians
so, i saw this post the other day, saying something in the lines of sending the australians to inhabitate a warm, poisonous planet, so what if we turn it around?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Confederation recently found a *completely* death world. With freezing temperatures and very few flora and fauna, not even humans could possibly think to inhabitate it, right?
They sent a messenger with the report to the Human Counselor, they take the paper and stare at it for a while, mumble some incoherent sound, and sigh. They turn to their secretary and say, with a hint of a laughter in their voice:
"Send the russians"
3K notes
·
View notes
Text
Crop Domestication
Humans have been selectively breeding and modifying crops for centuries, from apples to corn, shits wild. It creates the illusion of a plentiful planet, when in reality humans have, over thousands of years, dramatically altered the appearance and heartiness of these crops.
Now this could have an interesting effect in a haso universe, with aliens treating earth as a deathworld because of its wildlife and environment, but entirely disregard the fact that some native plants are hostile for the fact that we have such convenient crop foods!
No, we made those. Everything hates us.
Human: you all seem so fascinated by our wildlife, it's like you didn't even notice the murder plants!
Alien: well it seemed well balanced by the planet's generous flora
Human:
Alien:
Human:
Alien: What??!
Human: did you think corn was naturally that big??????
Alien: fuck's that mean?
5K notes
·
View notes
Text
You got it wrong he's haunting, not haunted...
Sleep Delirium
Human sleep cycles are fucking weird sometimes and when you don't get enough sleep, shit gets funky.
How weird would it be for an alien to see a human ambling around in the middle of their sleep cycle trying to get ready for a day that hasn't started yet? Then the fact that pretty much anything the human would say to them would either be complete garbled nonsense or entirely irrelevant to the situation at hand.
And sleep walking would be interesting too, just some weirdo human doing weird shit at night and not remembering anything in the morning.
Alien, seeing the human walking weird when they're supposed to be sleeping: human, is something wrong?
Human 1, entirely out of it: don't put me in a corndog
Alien: what?
Human 1: I don't wanna be breaded
Alien: what in the shitting fuck are you talking about?
Human 2, running into the hallway tired as shit: I'm so sorry, he's a sleep walker
Alien: is he haunted?
Human 2: no-
Human 1: ghost corndog,,,
Alien: oh shit the human's haunted
5K notes
·
View notes
Text
Wait you guys are prey species... why don't you have the ability to notice when you are being watched? Pretty sure we get that from the fact that we are prey on our planet and not just predator...
Sixth Fucking Sense Apparently
So humans have a funky little sixth sense for when someone/thing is looking at us and honestly wtf.
So an alien spy is trying to get human info getting progressively more concerned when the human they're tailing keeps looking around and acting like they know the alien is there. Maybe it's an alien species renowned for stealth and no other sentient in the galaxy had ever been able to spot them so at this point they're double checking themselves and going insane.
At this point the human's figured shit out and so they lead the alien into a trap much to Sneaky McSneakfuck's dismay and confusion.
So eventually humans hold a press conference about the whole stalker and the galactic federation or whatever it would be called is like:
GF: How in the dick shitting fuck did you know they were there??
Human: felt them watching me.
Gf: felt them fucking What.
10K notes
·
View notes
Text
Does anyone else have stripes? I can't see stripes on anyone else here, but do you see them human?
Imagine an alien sharing a cool human fact they just learned like ”hey guys did you know that the silvery markings on humans actually aren’t true stripes? They’re called stretch marks, they happen when the human is growing fast enough to actually outgrow their skin, which is apparently something that just fucking happens to almost all of them at some point of their life.”
and another one is like ”wait so you’re saying humans don’t have stripes.”
”actually they do, but the stripes are invisible. There’s genetic code that’d give them stripes but they’re just the same colour as the rest of the skin. So the visible stripes are not real stripes and the real stripes are invisible.”
”I swear if you tell me one more weird human thing today I’m beating your ass.”
220K notes
·
View notes
Text
Barometric Pressure
Kay: *rubbing some gel onto her wrist and hand*
Si'miel: Kay that is quite a strong scent, I thought most humans preferred their "perfume" to be only slightly noticeable
Kay: Huh? Oh, no, sorry, this is just a painkiller. Smells funky but works decently well
Si'miel: *pales a little* pain ...killer?!
Kay: sorry, I'm out of sorts right now, its a pain reducer. Can you do me a favor?
Si'miel: Oh yes, I will gladly help you in your time of pain *feels slightly honored most humans simply tell one 'don't worry about it' and never consider one's ability to help*
Kay: Alert the ship's maintenance engineers that the atmospheric pressure is dropping
Si'miel: . . . Kay I'm certain the sensors would have alerted them to that!
Kay: *slips on an odd black device that covers her wrist and partially her hand* Well the sensors are faulty. My joints are all messed up but especially my ankle and wrist. So I know.
Si'miel: *alarmed* We must go to the infirmary immediately!
Kay: nah I used my gel med and splinted my wrist so it can't move mu- -
Si'miel: You've immobilized your own body?!
Kay: *deep sigh* Si'miel us humans sometimes have bad joints and when atmospheric pressure drops the pain in our joints increases. My right wrist is just slightly worse than the others, so making sure it doesn't move around as much prevents an increase in pain.
Si'miel: You..... you just walk around with your joints hurting? It...it can detect pressure changes? How? Do all humans have such a skill?
Kay: Bad joints are bad joints not much I can do about it. And no, not everyone can, I'm so envious of people whose joints haven't gone on strike. Anyways we have no idea... well I have no idea why, but I can just feel it. The ship's atmosphere is definitely dropping. *sad smile* haven't felt the awful sensation it gives since I left Earth, I just really want to go have some soup and watch whatever dumb movies we got recently, so can you let the engineers know?
Si'miel: *nervously twitches their front appendages worried for their human crewmate* I will let them know .... are you sure you don't need the infirmary?
Kay: Yeh definitely sure, had this issue since I was 21, sucks but hey thats life. Thanks for letting them know, I knew I could count on you *heads off*
___
*Si'miel walks into the main work station of the ship maintenance engineers*
Engineer 1: *looks up* do you need something?
Si'miel: I do not wish to insult your work but a human crew mate informed me that the atmospheric pressure of the ship is dropping. I'm certain you would know if such a thing were true but.... the manual on humans says we should not ignore them when they use the phrase "I can just feel it/ I can just tell" so I thought I would alert you to her statement
Engineer 1: Thats not a possibility our signals would have gone off, but *sighs* new protocols state that we can't ignore a human's warning *rolls two of their 4 eyes... an odd expression they ironically picked up from humans*
Engineer 2: I'll check manually *heads down the corridor a bit and after a few minutes*. . . Activate protocol 651!!!
Engineer 1: W-what?? thats not possible
Engineer 2: *running back to the work station* just do it! Another hour of the pressure dropping will make the system go critical, we'd have to emergency land, and we'd both lose our jobs now do it!
Engineer 1: *hurriedly gets to work*
Si'miel: interesting so it is tru- - -
Engineer 1 & 2: Be quiet!
Si'miel: *startled and heads away without interrupting them further*
___
*Si'miel finds the lounge Kay decided to relax in, an empty soup bowl on the table next to the lounge chair, the TV being the only source of light in the room*
Si'miel: *takes the seat next to Kay* Kay, when you say "hey that's life" what do you- -
Kay: *snores*
Si'miel: ah *takes the blanket draped on one of the the other chairs and lays it across Kay's body* With the pressure fixed you may feel better.... sleep well human friend...
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
So, something I learnt the other day. So, you know how dinosaurs supposedly can't see you if you stand still? Well that myth is based on real-life lizards/etc and how eyes in general work. So, once my dad starts infodumping, here comes some other cool information. We, humans, can in fact, also not see something unless it's moving. We fixed this by having our eyes constantly shake. And then our brain compensates for us, so we don't have to have shaky vision.
What if aliens don't have this? Like. What if they find out when one of us was looking at something in the distance, and they walk around this thing that's in front of them, and the alien is confused so they bob their head and oh, there's a thing there, but how did the human know that, and then we explain and they're like, horrified.
Humans are apex predators. They can hunt in packs. They can hunt in pairs. They can hunt on their own. They're persistance predators, which is unheard of. They get stronger when they're mad or scared. They have this thing called 'body language' which acts like a type of hivemind, even if they'll claim it isn't. And. They can see you. When you're not moving. They can still see you. If you ever find yourself in a fight against a human, for whatever reason? Run. Run as fast as you can. And hope, pray if you have a religion, that they won't follow.
10K notes
·
View notes
Text
ONE of the most important rules of the Galactic Federation concerns humanity. If a human ever says “Hold my beer”, either stop them, or run.
32K notes
·
View notes