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#humans are crazy
cookthepenguin · 8 months
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Humans have three modes: fuck, pet and eat. Whatever you are, wherever you are, know; if a human looks at you, one of these will activate and you can’t escape.
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shillelaghofjustice · 11 months
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Things Humans Have Definitely Said to Aliens #2:
"Great Yawning Abyss! Crewmate John! You have sustained intense radiation damage to most of your body!"
"For the last time, I know! Now grab the fUCKING ALOE VERA!!!"
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graceofagodswrath · 11 months
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Menstrual Cycles and Aliens
“I apologize, but Williams is doing what?”
Kate sighed, brown eyes rolling at Ka’oolai’s stiff confusion. “Bleeding Niagara Falls out of her uterus. She’s gonna need a couple days.”
“Katy.” Jasmine hissed. “That is not how you explain this shit to people.”
Kate’s lips thinned in exasperation. “It makes them listen! God knows how many times I had to describe it so graphically to get all the men in my family to understand that you can’t just ‘suck it up!’”
The three sat in the dining lounge, a room on the transport ship meant for relaxation for workers on their breaks. Ka’looai, the ship’s second-in-command, had inquired about Pilot William’s ask for absence. Kate Blanche, the engineer and second roommate to De’maya, had answered in her usually blunt way. Luckily, The third roommate and Quartermaster of the ship, Jasmine Lativos, had been there to cushion Ka’looai’s immediate confusion.
Ka’looai held up their four hands to the two humans, insectoid limbs the notable deep, iridescent purple of their native race, Yamogai. They resembled a mix of a beetle and praying mantis, tall with hard, spiny exoskeletons. They displayed a variety of colors like humans (tho more vibrant), but the most common was purple.
“I apologize… I do not understand. Does Pilot Williams have an open wound? Do they need to go to the medibay?” Ka’looai’s voice sounded like the vibrating of beating wings, so they had to pronunciate other languages precisely in order to be understood. So they spoke slowly and with a deliberate concentration. This voice also gave way to an accent that made them pronounce certain letters like ‘v’s. There was a running joke with humans that Yamogai were related to Germans, as their accents were similar when speaking English.
Jasmine shook her head. “No. She’s experiencing a part of her menstrual cycle, the human female reproductive cycle.” Ka’looai cocked their head, so Jasmine continued. “Every month, we expel the inside lining of our uterus, the organ that develops a human fetus if the female is pregnant. If a female isn’t pregnant, our uterus removes the old lining of tissue and blood and gets rid of it from our body to create a new lining in case she does become pregnant. It’s the same muscle contractions as childbirth, though at a smaller fraction. This process can be extremely painful for some, if not most people, and De’maya is one of them. So she just needs some time off to deal with and recover from this experience.”
Ka’looai stared for a moment, mantis-like eyes seeming to stare through the humans souls. “I… see. I will inform the captain, then. Is there anything else we must know about this… event? I assume you two experience it as well as you said every human female does?”
Kate shrugged, long brown braid shifting in her shoulders. “Mine isn’t so bad usually. I’m one of the lucky ones. I get irritable and the occasional back pains, but I don’t need time off recuperate necessarily.”
“Irritable?”
Jasmine smiled, more of grimace for those experienced in reading human expressions. “Annoyed. Aggressive. The process increases the amount of estrogen and testosterone in our bodies, hormones that can heavily influence our emotional states. So we can be a bit…” Jasmine paused to think. “Intense.”
“Ah.” Ka’looai’s antennae twitched emphatically. “That is why I sensed the rise in strange pheromones. So this increase of chemicals affects you physically, emotionally, and mentally. I see why Pilot Williams asked for an absence then. Will the two of you require the same?”
Jasmine made an expression that Ka’looai could not understands. She bared her teeth while narrowing here eyes and scrunching her nose, dark skin wrinkling. Her hands rolled synchronously back and forth, a gesture the Yamogai recognized as a sign for uncertainty. “My cycle is more chaotic. Many factors can influence the way it is, and I tend to be influenced heavily by those.” She gestured at the other human. “Whereas Kate’s average is light and less painful, and De’maya’s average is heavy and extreme pain, mine can be either depending on my situation. If I’m stressed and haven’t taken care of myself, it’s usually pretty painful. If the opposite, I can usually function pain free. It depends.”
“What do you mean by light and heavy?”
“That refers to the amount of blood and tissue we expel. Light is very little, medium is a bit more, heavy means a lot. Some people have more lining than others. The heavier the flow can also increase the amount of pain.”
“Is this process different for every human?”
Both women nodded.
“And you still work through such obstacles?”
“Pretty much.” Jasmine confirmed.
“Interesting.” Ka’looai hummed, the sound vibrating the air rhythmically. “So human females expel a large amount of their own blood and tissue every month simply for not reproducing. And it is incredibly painful, yet some of you still function through it. No wonder females are in higher demand than males. You are a hardy species.” Their laugh sounded like the erratic buzzing of fly multiplied by ten. “Is there anything else I need to know?”
“Oh, there’s a shit ton if you wanna properly educate yourself on human reproduction.” Kate waved a scarred, oil darkened hand. “But Jaz gave you the basics. Hah, you may know and understand it better than the average human male.” Kate chuckled dryly and Jasmine huffed. “But that’s a debate hole that can be saved for another time.”
“If you want to learn more, read some human biology books, and we can answer any questions you have.” Said Jasmine. “Make sure they’re recent ones tho, the outdated ones are full of a lot of misinformation.”
“I see. I will do so. Human biology continues to fascinate. I have always found learning about other races to be rather intriguing, and humans never disappoint.”
“Yeup.” Kate leaned back and threw her arms behind her head. “Just don’t start making jokes about us leaving puddles and shit everywhere, or not being trusted behind the wheel.” Her eyes narrowed and she bared her teeth in a not-friendly-smile. “I will commit some “transgressions,” if so.”
Ka’looai’s antennae twitched. “Understood.”
~~~~~~
I’m currently going through this month’s rounds, and felt like distracting myself. Finally had the motivation to write and of course it was during a shitty time of my life. Needed me some alien feels that understand my woes better than my own family. I know this prompt has been done a lot, but I wanted to give my own take on it.
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"More scared of you" - Space Orcs
"it's always more scared of you than you are of it."
"oh that's a shark- they're apex predators in our oceans. They have rows of razor sharp and replaceable teeth, they prefer to attack from underneath, they can be very territorial and some kill for fun, and they have been around longer than our trees. But don't worry! If you ever see one swimming you can always just give it a light smack on the nose- it's always more scared of you than you are of it!"
"Aye, that there's a Black Widow. 'ey get a bad rep, really, there are more dangerous lil spiders out there, but this one's famous 'cause it can kill a human in a single bite, innit. Venom's a nasty thing, and they've also developed a toxin that can liquify their prey so 'ey can slurp 'em up to get their nutrients. They build these webs to catch and net insects and lie in wait to wrap it up alive like a burrito. Aye, but dunna worry! If ya see one, ye can always wave and stomp around to bother it inta leavin- thing is always more scared of you than you are of it."
"Oh that there? Oh yes, that's called a snake! They're little reptiles with no legs that have belly muscles that move them along so they can hunt! A good bit of them are venomous, meaning they inject venom through fangs and into the bloodstream to kill prey. The fastest snake is the black mamba, which can reach speeds up to 23 miles an pur! Some can also swim, and most venomous ones can incapacitate and even kill humans! But if you see one, stomping and yelling can often scare them off. They're always more scared of you than you are of them!"
Vistrigil stared at the human crew mates, the little hairless, clawless, tentacle-less things, and wondered how in every galaxy and star those animals could be afraid of a human.
"aye, but have I ever told you about the bloody ROOS? MATE, those things have BALLS."
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human-encounters-diary · 10 months
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Day 13 The human remains in medical care, although visitations by anyone except the Vitrichl are currently prohibited by the medicals, preventing me from gathering any further observations of human behaviour. I did, although, receive access to a sample the scientific unit had taken from the fluid that the human had regurgitated after her space excursion during the previous cycle, and the results of its analyzation are…rather alarming. The fluid itself is incredibly acidic, and managed to dissolve all test objects given into the fluid in a matter of moments. This obviously raised an even larger question: What was it? A bioweapon? A natural venom? Perhaps Dorag's tales were more credible than previously assumed? Assumptions that could not be proven certainly. But the most alarming aspect of this is rather another question raised by these discoveries: If humans naturally posessed such a bioweapon, perhaps naturally produced it in their bodies, what did they need it for? The existence of such an mechanism implied the probable existence of a predator strong and agile enough that it was vital for humans to develop such a mechanism.
Even if that assumption is proved to be untrue, this discovery still turns humans into a much bigger threat than we had previously determined.
(Further note: One of the medicals has reported the human had repeatedly protested against any advances to provide her with medical care, continuously insisting she was alright and in no need of medical care. Despite the known durability of humans, she will be kept in medical care for at least one more cycle.)
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Aboard an alien ship, a captive Human sits in the cell with the captain of the aliens interrogating them. Not long after, the Human gets antsy. The captain demands why.
"Why do I hear boss music?" The Human asked.
The aliens didn't understand what they meant by that, so they smacked the Human before scoffing and turning around, only to come face to face with another Human armed with a cadaver and a hunting knife.
"Why'd you bring a knife to a gun fight?" The captive Human was mildly miffed.
Though that didn't matter, the other Human dominated the captain and forced him to return them to their colony.
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theriu · 2 years
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I love posts about human customs being incomprehensible to aliens or humans having all these strange but helpful instincts, but you know what would also be funny? Aliens super relating to some of humanity’s less admirable qualities.
- Woman starts shrieking hysterically at alien encounter, aliens are pleased that someone there properly respects the momentousness of this potentially terrifying occasion.
- Obsessive collector becomes liason to aliens with dragon-like hoarding culture.
- Human crying over a papercut is first human that soft jellyfish aliens feel they can relate to.
- Massive introvert (this is not a bad human quality it’s just rarer to see in Humans As Space Orcs scenarios) who likes spending time alone in a small room is highly desirable as coworker for extremely social race that get anxious in enclosed spaces, lets them work on other things in more open areas.
- Human with poor hygeine learns aliens find the smell of sweat delightful.
- Hivemind aliens mistaking an angry mob for another hivemind, successfully open relations with mob leader.
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vampireapple · 1 year
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Petty Arguments
It took a really, really long time for aliens to catch onto the petty, nonsensical, unimportant, unfathomable arguments and opinions that humans chose as their hill to die on.
These absurd stances included, but were not limited to:
            -did cereal count as soup?
            -what letters were even and what letters were odd?
            -where hamburgers sandwiches?
            -did a toothbrush get wet before or after the toothpaste was on it?
            -was water wet?
            -could the human body tell the difference between wet and cold?
 These questions were illogical, but if one was asked, all humans in the immediate vicinity formed a hard and fast opinion and squabbling would ensue.
 .  .  .
 Human 1: All vowels are even, and consonants are odd.
 Human 2: Wrong. Consonants are even, and vowels are odd.
 Human 1: Vowels are smooth, and therefore even!
 Human 2: Consonants are jagged, and that’s why they’re even!
 Human 3: Doesn’t it depend on what font you use anyways?
 Human 4: The best front is Comic Sans MS.
 Human 1, 2, 3: …
 *bickering*
 The aliens watched in scared horror as the humans started screaming font names at each other. The argument was only interrupted by a moderate emergency and seemingly forgotten by the humans…
 … until two weeks later when someone filled out a report wrong and the font discussion came up again.
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fluffer5 · 1 year
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Humans and our insane biology
My 2nd entry to humans are space orcs.
So, I've always seen in movies that the intergalactic version of healing is via cryopads or filling an entire space tube with some sort of liquid and just chucking the entire person inside to heal for an indefinite amount of time depending on the severity of their injury.
Now, humans don't have the luxury of that. I can sorta theorized that the medical stuff the aliens use would include the use of nanites or galactic medicinal herbs that would speed up the healing process, bumping up a supposedly 10 years of physical rehabilitation and recovery to a few months at most and to those who get the quality herbs, then a few weeks.
Seeing as Earth would be seen as a deathworld, a term I've been seeing for planets that hold life forms but is seen as a hostile planet to other other galactic race, they would be baffled by the slowness of our healing process.
They might think, "Their planet is harsh so their healing process must be very fast". And they're half correct with that assumption. Even the most ill of humans can fight back on a lot of health issues even with minimal medical support.
Infection? Increased white blood cells and even developing a fever to kill this micro invaders via increased body temperature. The body not getting oxygen? Body falls into tachypnea or breathing too fast to get more oxygen. Any feelings of danger? Adrenaline pumps out to give you an extra boost of energy for fight or flight purposes. Injury leading to a cut somewhere on our skin? Have the platelet go over there and cover the cut and have the white blood cells round up the bacteria that could've entered. Hungry with no food? Let me use this fat tissue as energy.
Alien: You mean you heal slowly or very fast depending on your injury?! What if your body can't heal itself or what if you're too weak to do the healing?! *panicking from the stress since humans are technically considered as Eternal Younglings given that they're the fastest to die from their short lifespan*
Human: That's when we go to the hospital. Our version of your healing technology.
Alien: Oh, thank the stars. So how long do you stay in your cryopad if you have a deep injury?
Human: Depends on how deep. If it's just a small cut or a small bruise then we don't go to the hospital. But if the injury is super deep or an organ is not functioning well or we're bleeding from the inside, then we have doctors who put us to sleep with this chemical called anesthesia and they operate on the cut and fix the messed up organs.
Alien: *concerned alien noises* Doctors are like healers, yes? How do they exactly 'fix' you?
Human: So, they inject us with this anesthesia, wait for us to fall asleep, then cut their way through our muscle, fats, and tissues before seeing the organs, maybe cutting up a bit of it to send to the labs or fixing it up. I don't really know the exact details since I'm just your plain worker.
Alien: Child, 'healers' who cut up patients are called as kiarvetj, killers! *exasperated, panicky actions* How... how often did you say that you Terrans go to this hospital again?
Human: Oh, I'm not sure for the rest of my kind but for those who are healthy enough like me who can function and not collapse or vomit blood or get in an accident, then pretty much never. Besides, even if I want to know if I'm sick of something, the price to have myself be medically checked is too much. So I just make do with herbs and stuff.
Alien: I think I'm going to have a word with the UIC (Unified Intergalactic Council) about this... AGAIN!
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suprsbg · 11 months
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Aliens: So what was the first thing you launched into space?
Human: Well, we think we might’ve kinda accidentally sent a 4 inch think circular steel plate to space.
Aliens: … how do you accidentally send something to space?
Human: Nuke.
Alien: Why is it always explosions with you?
Inspired by @jpitha and this video: https://youtu.be/NSeL5c65v-g
youtube
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yo what if Danny was the human representative on a ship and had to politely explain that his biology is different but he does know alot about the average human because he was born there and was human for the first decade of his life?
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carionto · 7 months
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See, we got this... inclination
The Galactic Coalition is no stranger to war. Every sapient race has a history filled with external conflict, and most with some internal strife as well. Even now, the Coalition is in a stalemate with the United Federation on the North-Western arm of the Galaxy, a recently cooled hot war over what the Federation call foreign meddling in internal affairs, while the Coalition claim is an abusive contractual effective enslavement of a pre-stellar civilization, which goes against the Coalition's Ethics Directorate For All Sapient Encounters.
The Humans, who managed to learn of this on their own, sparking a hushed debate about their espionage capabilities, wanted to send their own delegation to the established Neutral Zone to speak with the Federation. As a party to the Coalition governing body, they have free reign to make contact with anyone on their own terms, with the understanding such individual activity will not represent the Coalition itself.
It did not take long for the Humans to reach back to us with an inquiry:
"So like, this might just be us, but these fellas are giving us some nasty fascist vibes, ya feel me? Maybe we're wrong (though we do got a lot of experience with that), but have a look at this data we've gathered so far."
What we saw were shockingly detailed and up-close images of clearly Federation design medical and emergency disaster relief encampments. A baffling number in fact, but technically nothing that would indicate wrongful action or intent. But there were a lot of them all across the planet.
"Yeah, we only got data from right now, so do you got info on this planet and it's folk from earlier? My gut, and all these shuttles full of some kinda cargo we can't scan hyperin' away, is telling me that it's not gonna match well."
The Human, or his... gut?... (we'll have to ask them to elaborate, we thought they only had one mind?) is correct, startlingly so. We informed the Human the atmosphere was far thinner than it was merely 40 years ago, containing a third less Nitrogen and almost no trace gasses at all, save for CO2, which was at nominal levels, but the planet used to have an abundance of Helium, now almost entirely gone. If further investigation corroborates this, and perhaps other inconsistencies, this will be cause for a full open investigation and possible sanctions!
"So... can we fight them?"
The Human's question startled us from our anger, now replaced with confusion and worry. Humanity boasted the most powerful fleet in Coalition space, there was no question about it, but they are still only a singular planet with some specialist stations dotted around local space, while the Federation was composed of dozens of races across thousands of planets in a very efficient hierarchical structure, plus the true strength of their military was unknown.
This is a delicate matter and we need them to not act rashly. We have learned, however, that outright denying Humans anything leads them to desire it more, so we must adopt a new approach to each situation we wish the Humans to... not take the initiative on.
Offering the delegation leader command of our own covert investigation units, and requesting he withdraw his ships to act as emergency response and intervention forces in the area seemed to please him. He had an important task to do, and his crew busied themselves preparing for a variety of possibilities, thus making the Humans feel both needed and engaged in productive activity, preventing them from escalating the situation. For now.
We really hope this "gut" will not cause rash action.
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Things Humans Have Definitely Said to Aliens:
"Crewmate John, by the Old Ones I cannot convince my hatchling to consume his vegetables."
"Push the fork towards their mouth and tell them it's an airplane."
"What the f-"
"Tell them. It's an airplane."
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graceofagodswrath · 2 years
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Humans Are Feral
Alright, this my first post, and possibly a part one in a series of humans are feral story arcs. As well as being something that I constantly think about and wonder why no one talks about it. Maybe I just haven’t found the specific post.
Have we ever talked about how vicious humans can be? Especially in scenarios where something we care about it threatened? And I mean “bared teeth and snarling” type vicious. Beast mode activated. I’m talking about how we basically turn into animals in certain situations and rely solely on primal instinct.
Take mothers/fathers for example. You ever see a parent react to a situation in which their child was dancing with death? They will risk life and limb for that kid. My dad dove into a pool full speed after my two year old sister fell in the deep end. Clothes and all. Have you ever seen a woman after just giving birth and her mind is just straight hormones? And something happens that she perceives a threat? Someone picks up the newborn without consent, she jumps out of bed after a fucking cesarian to snatch the kid and full on snarl at them? Friend’s aunt did that shit. And don’t get me started on the super strength thing humans can do when someone is in danger and adrenaline kicks in. Then there are the people who will protect some random ass kid. A toddler or small kid with no parent around and suddenly something dangerous is about to happen? People will jump in parent or not.
Imagine:
It was a quiet day in the streets of Kuratz. The market paths usually bustling with people of races only had a small stream of customers bouncing from stall to stall. Tourists or natives of all sorts. Ky’lio, a young Avalanghar, watched from his mia’s stall, long ears swiveling this way and that to pick up on what conversations he could understand.
Then they caught his eye. The strangers you’d never see in such a place. Humans. What looked like a family unit. Ky’lio couldn’t help but lean forward to stare. He recognized the tallest as a male and the slightly shorter one a female, as he had watched some interactions between his mia and her human customers. But those humans were always soldiers or neighboring colonists. These humans were different.
There was a third party. Ky’lio had never seen a human child except for the few pictures shared from other humans. It was notoriously well-known that humans were extremely protective of their younglings, so few were seen away from human colonies. So the small, bouncing creature Ky’lio watched tug on the adult humans’ paws didn’t register as a baby human until he really stared and saw the round features.
It kept trying to dart away from its parents, but the adults held vice-like grips onto the little one’s paws. Until the stopped at a stall, Hadi Midas’s stall selling sweet fruits from the Dolor Jungles. The male let the little human go and the female took hold of the little one’s free paw. But the wild thing tugged and cried out, like a prisoner chained to a wall. It wailed and cried out in its native tongue, no doubt begging for release from its mia’s iron laws. The scene reminded Ky’lio of when he saw Kaloway serpent at a traveling exotic zoo. It too thrashed and screeched in its chains the same way the little human was. Then the female leaned down and whispered something to the child, making it go limp in her paws, hanging like a dead thing. The female only snorted and turned back towards her mate, who was speaking with Hadi Midas.
What happened next would always remain burned into Ky’lio’s memory. The little human twisted strangely and suddenly they yanked themselves from their Mia’s grip. It screeched triumphantly and dashed away. The female yelled and ran after it, but it was no use. The little human was fast and determined. As it ran down the street it neared the alleyway next to the Damik stall. Ky’lio felt the fur along his spine stand up. The alleyway was a known ambush site for younglings separated from their parents. A human child would be a great prize.
As the human youngling ran past the alleyway, a giant Oyiadin stepped out and grabbed the skinny, hairless arm. The little human screamed, a sound that had every fear feeling surging through Ky’lio’s body. Others in the street turned and stared, but none dared do anything. Oyiadins had a reputation for smuggling and trafficking, their muscular stature, claws and jaws full of sharp fangs scared away any possible help. It wasn’t the first time Ky’lio witnessed a kidnapping and helplessly watched as the kidnapped youngling’s parents shrieked in despair and fear, never daring to fight such beasts. So they would lose their child.
But these were humans. And humans were known for strange, impossible feats. That fact still did not prepare the young Avalanghar to witness the female human slam into the giant Oyiadin, tackling the muscular biped to the ground. The male human swooped in and snatched the small human, now crying and clinging to its parent. The female stood atop the giant, snarling like a wild fangher. Her lips were pulled back to reveal small, white teeth that were nowhere near as intimidating as the Oyiadin’s, yet the expression was somehow more fearsome. She growled something in her native tongue, standing menacingly over the Oyiadin that hadn’t tried to stand up. It’s ugly face was strangely empty of menace, it’s six eyes wide and staring at the human it easily dwarfed. Yet the female held no fear, spitting and snarling, her body tensed for a fight. But the Oyiadin offered no challenge. She spat something in her language once more, then turned and walked to her mate and youngling.
“That is why you must not provoke humans.” Ky’lio jumped, turning to see his mia behind him and watching everything. She looked down at him. “They are dangerous and unpredictable. Especially when they’re protective.” She looked up to watch the trio of humans pass by. “Never underestimate their willingness to fight for their own.”
~~~~~~
Kids are one thing. Then there are pets. I have personally felt the willingness to kill if anyone threatened my dog or cat. That pack bonding stuff is no joke. No, I don’t care if you hear me call my cat a fat, no-rent-paying bastard, he’s my fat no-rent-paying bastard. And I won’t just die for him. I will kill you and cut you up in pieces and summon satan to dine with me on them for that fat bastard.
~~~~~~
Imagine:
Galar was a puvarra, and deserved xis comeuppance. But the crew never expected for their human crew mate to be the one to do it.
Oakley was a good crew mate and most of the team had high opinions of him. He did his work, turned in reports on time, socialized and was overall very kind. The crew was grateful that the human was one that presented the better side of his species. However some were not fond of humans. Galar, the Yunagi from the helix system 1-4b, was one of this opinion. Xe was unabashedly cruel to many on the crew, and only got away with it because xe often blackmailed xis victims to not report to the captain. It was irritating how xe knew certain things. But xe’d finally gone too far.
Oakley had a pet aboard the ship. The creature humans called a cat, a furry thing on four legs that was a master at contortion. While the crew had been hesitant about the creature at first, hearing stories about Terran animals, many grew to like it. Oakley’s cat was named Jambo, a black and white pattern on its fur and a long, skinny tail. It would rub against their legs or jump upon counters to watch them at work. Sometimes it would doze off near them. Only Oakley and Jabari, Oakley’s partner in work, had been selected as thrones for the creature to doze upon. Many on the crew came to feel honored when the creature would approach them and rub its cheek against an outstretched appendage, a sign Oakley had explained to be affection and a demand for “pets.” Jambo got many pets.
Then one day, as the crew drew together in the dining area for a meal, Galar chose his hill to die on. Jambo had approached the tables, padding towards Oakley, but stopping as some crew began making chirping and clicking sounds, trying to intice Jambo toward them for pets. Then Galar walked by, the blue finned Yunagi’s eyes landing on Jambo. And before any could do anything, xe pulled back a long leg and kicked the black and white cat. Jambo let out a loud screech.
Then Galar was flying back and Oakley was screaming in his native language. He wailed on Galar, his fist connecting every time. At one point he tried to choke xim. Several crew jumped upon them, pulling the human way from the Yunagi, but the damage was done. Purple bruises were already evident upon the Yunagi’s blue-green hide, scratches and crescent shaped marks on xis neck were leaking dark blue blood. Nothing serious, but enough to rattle everyone.
Oakley didn’t bother staying to explain to the captain. He immediately left to find his cat, as did some of the others. Many could care less if Galar was injured, because the stupid puvarra deserved it. They worried for Jambo. The cat was later found and inspected. Luckily for Jambo, he had some light bruising. Very lucky. Oakley even cried, the clear wetness on his face a strange sight for many.
When asked by the captain why he attacked Galar, Oakley point-blank said it was because he kicked Jambo. And anyone who dared hurt his cat was going to get hurt themselves. He said it so casually the captain blinked several times. While humans were known for their protectiveness of packmates, this aggression was unexpected. They went on to scold Oakley and told him that they would have to write this on his personal report for future jobs. Oakley only nodded, still unswayed. The captain sighed and dismissed him. They knew they probably should have done more for such heinous action. But unbeknownst to others, the captain was also fond of Jambo. They were the only other person Jambo chose to nap on.
~~~~~~
This was written really fast, so I apologize if the writing is a little scrunched and there are mistakes. It physically hurt to write about a cat getting kicked, I wanted to vomit. Ugh. I wanted to go off on a tangent about humans taking on giant beasts for their kids because wouldn’t we? I personally don’t like kids, but I admit that I’d fight a bear for that one-year old that smiled at me in a Walmart checkout line, then offered me her animal cracker. I mean, wtf. I’ll save that for the next post tho.
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bob-frank451 · 7 months
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Humans Are Weird: Pack Bonding
Archivists note to the reader: It seems you are viewing this item in the human language English. For this reason names have been transliterated, units have been converted, and the content has been ontologically translated. Apologies for any inconsistencies.
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Ziet rounded the corner of the shuttle carefully, the human and the second deathworlder following close behind. The shuttle was only to be docked for a little under sixty minutes, left empty for less than fifteen, and unguarded for a mere seven.
There! The cockpit hatch! She reached a tendril toward the handle, but before she could open it the door opened by itself, revealing a short, but defiantly menacing individual holding a nasty looking weapon. Ziet froze in horror, before speaking frantically, the normal perfection of her grammar lost to the urgency of the moment.
“Kakia! Please just let us go, you’ll never need to see me again.”
The individuals mouth stretched into a wide, unnatural imitation of a human’s grin.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t my old,’ she spat out the word, “friend. Ziet, the highly esteemed logistics technician, how are you? And what are you doing with the recently escaped, and even more recently declared dead prisoners?”
She focused her weapon at Ziet. On a human’s face a grin can be cheery. In the rest of the universe that grin is taunting, threatening, menacing.
“Please just let us go, please. Please?”
“With the price on their head? With the human ambassador to the GA right here? Why, that would be treason.”
She leaned in close, close enough that the puff of breath that accompanied each word ruffed the fur on Ziet’s face.
“And you, my wonderful, treasonous colleague, here, at my mercy?”
The grin stretched wider, more teeth appearing, ivory white. The words came exaggerated, theatrical.
“It was self defense. She attacked me with the deathworlders. She committed treason.”
Ziet recognized the weapon, specifically the three white dots on the side, and her blood ran cold.
“You’re right about one thing Ziet.”
Her grip tightened on the trigger.
“I’ll never have to see you again.”
The human lunged for the weapon, but no race in the universe was that fast. Ziet felt an impact against her chest, and then a horrible anticipation, like the moment between an injury, and the inevitable agony it would cause. No! Please no! Then malice, pure hatred, flooded through her from the point of impact, coursing through her veins, attacking every nerve and cell in her body. She felt the thaumutic energy in her system recoil, and than start to fight the attacker, but the attacker was sly, and as each pulse of power attacked it was converted, joining the ever-growing tide of hatred and pain. Her body decided that it wasn’t going to win this fight, and instead chose to jettison the power through whatever route necessary.
The human watched in horror as his friend was shot by the attacker, this Kakia person. Ziet’s eyes went out for a moment as the latent entropic energy was called inwards for the battle, and than shone with the power of a spotlight as pure energy was dumped en mass. This wasn’t fast enough however, and more and more energy poured out. It started to leak from her mouth, then nostrils, and then it started to leak through her skin as thousands of amps of power were discharged. The entire volatus was shining with the brilliance of the sun, and nobody in the entire shuttle could see anything but white.
Just as quickly as the light had started it stopped, and the volatus fell to the floor like a spent battery. Kakia uncovered her eyes, and grinned at the human, raising the weapon for a second shot, but the human was already charging. She fired and fired, but had only time to learn one thing before the human’s vengeful body slammed into her own.
Humans don’t use magic.
Ziet felt the weight of several jumpsuits rapped around her. She knew they were jumpsuits because of the wafting smell of Squalus detergent, the brand used to wash clothing inside the personnel wing of the spaceport. There was a gentle tap on her cloak, over her left shoulder. She felt another. Tap. Tap. Tap. Then hand shook her, and she obligingly opened her eyes. There was the human, crouched before her, eyes locked on her face. The eyes were leaking, clear fluid running over the human’s flat face, and dripping off his nose and chin. Behind the human lay the crumpled form of Kakia, a rivulet of dark fluid leaking from the corner of one eye. The human had bound her with another jumpsuit, so presumably she had survived her first encounter with a deathworlder.
“Ziet? Can you hear me?”
The human was still looking at her, and she noticed now that his breathing was erratic, and saw proper fear in those alien eyes.
“I can”
The human’s mouth turned into a grin, a grin that spoke to intense relief, as well as to the effort the human was putting into not showing teeth.
“You ok?”
The Volatus pondered this question. She felt gutted. Every ounce of strength had left her body. She couldn’t even feel the slightest scrap of power in her system. Her head hurt, terribly, and nothing came to relieve the pain. But she was ‘ok’.
“I’m ok”
She winced at the grammar.
“Sorry, I am going to be fine.”
“I’m glad. You scared us. I was so worried”
“Where are we?”
“Flying. He says he can.” The human pointed a limb toward the second deathworlder sitting in the cockpit across the room. “We leave the air five minutes. In five minutes, sorry”
The volatus felt a wry happiness settle over her, despite the fatigue that overwhelmed her The human’s grammar was improving. The human reached beside him and produced the weapon Kakia had shot them with.
“What’s this?”
Ziet didn’t need to study the weapon to answer the question.
“It’s a malice gun, made by Simplicity. It’s like a computer virus.”
The human gestured to himself.
“I’m ok”
“It works by converting the thaumutic energy in your system, and I don’t think humans have any.”
“Oh”
They waited in silence for a moment.
The other deathworlder, the one piloting the shuttle, grunted a single word, the only word it had learnt of galactic common so far.
“Hey!”
The bio-luminescence on its arms lit up, and the human watched the flickering pattern closely, before saying a single word.
“Space!’
The volatus glanced towards the cabin window, and saw the blue curve of her home shrinking. Soon it would be a full circle against a black canvas, painted with thousands of stars. Then it would faded away into the distance completely.
She was free.
Ao3 Discord
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human-encounters-diary · 10 months
Text
Day 11
ATTENTION, EMERGENCY PROTOCOL INITIATED. I REPEAT, EMERGENCY PROTOCOL INITIATED.
As it turns out, one of the machines in Sector 2 has suffered severe damage. Fortunately, it is not an extremely vital part of the ship, but the prospect of arriving on Fendaar unharmed and in short time is becoming more and more improbable.
As I am one of the highest ranking mechanics on the ship, I was occupied during most of the cycle with reversing the worst damage. 
As we mended the machinery, we discovered a far more urgent problem: The previously damaged outer hover engine has now come completely shut down, and as a consequence, the SIIR Noxos will steadily become slower, until we will be trapped in the middle of an hostile system with no prospects of receiving help, as we would still be far too far away to contact a ground station on any nearby planet with our communication systems.
There was one way to mend the hover engine into a barely working state, but it would require someone to approach from the outside, which would, in normal circumstances, already be extremely dangerous, and in a state like this, it was highly unlikely that the person performing the repair would come back alive. After a few moments of debate, we decided it would be best to request to speak with the Vitrichl and the rest of the crew to eludicate our situation.
I described the problem in as much detail as possible and informed the crew of our inevitable impending death, to put it shortly. 
"So, basically", the human spoke up. "If noone goes out there to fix the hover engine, we‘ll stop moving eventually and then we‘ll all die either of starvation or of running out of oxygen, or whatever you all breathe."
"Yes, if you desire to voice it in that fashion", I affirmed her statement. "Unfortunately, it is way too dangerous for any of us to go out there, as the survival chances are close to none", I eludicated further. "Possibly, we could still make it far enough to be within communication reach with a nearby planet, but that is also highly unlikely."
Quinn extended her hand upwards. 
"I‘ll do it."
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