Bros before Hoes

His heart, I felt it break, alongside of mine; but only oh so slightly and only in that moment's time; He convinced himself that I was lying And I convinced myself that I was fine “I did this to myself” I said

...And I believed it almost every time.

Day dreaming

I picture us at the park

Blanket picnic talking about books and art Eating grapes and tarts While whispering in my ear how much you’d rather taste me instead I think of us in bed Moans and groans that sound like a speech impediment Your hugs and kisses is what I’m embedded in Attentive to my wants and needs The only time we’ll admit that we don’t mind begging on our knees

I picture us on a boat Our bodies afloat the bed we rock My knees by your waist side As our insecurities fall wayside to the waves we ride The sea crashing into the shore making me crave the pounding of your….  heart beat even more

I picture your body pressed up to mine Your head rested upon my chest, My arms wrapped around your neck Baby, please me. Squeeze me Vow to never leave me Use the tip of your tongue to trace every line of my body to read me Appease me with your literacy Be author to all my notions of intimacy I don’t even want you to say a word Just use sounds and verbs to translate how much you like my curves Let our bodies converse like musical instruments I like when you hum my favorite hook and become a part of my melody I would never change the station I like the rhythm of your expression Moan out loud, sighs when I lick Hold me tight when I sit

Baby, I hope that you like romance Cause with me, I want you to tongue dance It keeps me going like blood throughout my body I want you to whisper in my ear and sing to me Get you playing in my mind all day, pressing rewind and play because I love how gentle your voice always kisses me

Like when the tip of your nose grazes mine As gentle as when I lightly scratch the back of your hair line In the same way brown autumn leaves gently hit the ground when it’s due time

I Like when your eyes lock in In the same way our legs lock intertwined when you grab hold your arms grip-locked tight around my torso as we lose control

I like the way that we unfold In the same way that sweat drips from our pores For you i’d hold open closed doors Let you walk right in, sit down and get comfortable Because i have a feeling that this might take a while Maybe while Miles Davis is playing in the background I can blow your horn

Show you just how much I like it when you adorn me How much I adore you how much our body speaks volumes

The thought of “my turn” gets me excited and when I have to fight it I bite my bottom lip and lick my top one because I wish that they were yours

There are no better thoughts than this I think that you might just be my favorite daydream The best kind of distraction to sweep me off my feet and take me Baby you elate me

Im starting to get hot ... wow

so maybe I should just stop now…

can’t believe that these are just thoughts.. how awks...

so….. anyway… my next piece..

The Gardener with the Flowered Head

I felt like she was always blooming, always growing into her own - a never ending cycle of Death and being Reborn from the soil. 

Her roots were never severed no matter how many times others tried to cut her down.  Her arms were like branches that could withstand any storm and Her Mind was a bouquet of life experiences put together - always beautiful no matter the combination

She was her own kind of beautiful -an ecosystem composed of mind, body and soul involving constant maintenance and the need to be watered everyday.

She needed light in her life -the sun and the moon both seemed to feed her the same way. She had no preference of direction; Each stem and leaf grew off her like unruly hairs.  She did not care for her appearance for she knew that what mattered most was the presence of life itself - of growth.

She was the woman with the flowered head. She was what women wanted to be and she didn’t even know it. She was lovely and smelt like every grandmother’s garden.  She was, in her own rights, a gardener;  She knew in life that one’s hands must get dirty from time to time.

She was envied by many. Little did they know the amount of work she had to put in to become the woman she was - and she still was not done... I don;t think she ever will be.

“Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most” - Mark Twain

I miss writing

and so here I am..

trying to put words to screen

pen to paper

like I’ve lost my touch

Like i don’t feel much like myself anymore.

How much more of this “losing myself” thing can I endure?

I need to try..

that’s all one can ask of one’s self right?

How much longer do I have to fight this?

My whole life?

Thats a long ass time.. .

Dazed and Confused

Movie Glitches: part one

A kind of pleading in my head screaming for someone to save me. Im left in silence on the bed to my mind  already erasing these rape scenes.

I try to re-edit these seamless streaming memories; I think my movie can do without them. and so I pay no mind to all the glitches and skip through all the images Like they caught the bad side of my  once so pretty face. As if time will replace this hate That sedates me every time I think about the age I lost everything. As if faith and love Were tied to virginity.

*SKIP SCENE*

To A 14 year old me So in love with the world And in love with love That I was consumed In the making of 

binging… .. .

Drink after Drink A 23 year old man Couldn’t stand the chance Of not taking me to bed So he thinks of a mix that will Loosen me up; My age setting before him a challenge. Off balance I was he lead me to his lap His hands around my waist To grab hold of what he knew he’d soon take. Holding me to drown in my naivety.

I found him endearing Not fearing the ways he controlled my path The fact that he held my hand Reminded my of pretend Play- Scenes I used to act out with my friends

*SKIP SCENE*

Back to grade One. Matthew had a crayon to lend me He  was my first crush Forever the boy that turned lending into a storybook adventure- He gave me butterflies And made me feel weak to my knees.

*SKIP SCENE*

Who knew weakness would be conceived Under the weight of man  I didn’t believe Deserved to proceed past my lips. This was supposed to be my first real kiss.

And yet he missed all the romance And carried me up to his room No slow dance As if he had married me And I was now his property. His grips made me feel like a possession. His mission an unhealthy obsession. I still thought he might not keep going. not knowing that throwing me around wasn’t part of the script. I tried to use my hips to lift him off but his grip was too tight and my voice too soft for him to stop.

This was another first time for me

That is

The first time that I had ever fought.

*SKIP SCENE*

To make-believing now That I want it. My silence a sign of my pleasure Cause I felt better existing in fairytales. However, I knew very well Love was nowhere to be found in this one. Who knew fun Would turn into something I could never run from

*SKIP SCENE*

“It was only fair” I thought to myself “I was wearing a short skirt.. And i was drinking” My mind leading me to thinking that this was all my fault Who knew this would be the start of an endless chain of self-blame Because society has taught me that He is the victim Not me. A concept that continues to reclude me into shame Because “I was the instigator”

“I provoked it”

“I should have been more responsible”..

Who knew that responsibility would Lay on me so heavy at 14 years old. Why had I never been told?

*SKIP SCENE* 

-Anonymous

Note to self:

Learn to give him space. The more you worry the less time you spend thinking about other things that matter. You’ve gotten to the point where nothing else seems to matter. In the long run you’ll only be hurting yourself. You’ve already started to see the effects. Even in this state of insanity, he loves you. He loved you then, he loves you now, and he will continue to love you. Never forget that. Stop letting your schoolwork suffer. These mental blocks you keep putting on yourself are hard to move past once they’re made. You already have quite a few. You are very intelligent and should stop doubting your abilities. If you doubt them, other people will too. Stop giving up things that you love. No one other than yourself is responsible for giving up. Do what makes you happy. If that means fighting your entire life for something you love, do it. Nothing is impossible. Find your balance. Find yourself. It’s a new year and all you’ve done is continue to be sad. You’ve fed your addictions and quite frankly, made them worse. You need to gradually come to terms with everything you have and don’t have in life. You used to be so happy and bubbly and ready to take on the world. Now you’re stuck, and only furthering your depression. With time and a lot of effort, you can be the person you want to be. Learn to move forward. Things have changed so much over the past few years. Your mindset has changed. You are no longer a child. You have grown and the people around you have grown too. Change is hard and this is probably the most difficult thing you have to work on. But you can do it. Believe in yourself. Confidence is key. No one will take pity on you if you continue put yourself in this dark corner of self loathing. You can do things. You can make things happen. You are not incapable. Prove yourself wrong. If you want to see a change, be the change. Life doesn’t stop because you are in a bad place. Life will continue. You finally know what the true meaning of this is. You need to get over this fear of change and keep going. No matter what. Love yourself. Take a lot better care of yourself. You may not believe this yet, but there are so many people who love you and care about you. Don’t you dare do anything harmful to yourself. You already know the consequences. Everything on this list can be fixed if you learn to love yourself. Your insecurities exist only in your self hatred. There is only one you. You are unique and loved and special, and you need to open your eyes again.

“If you wont love me somebody else will”

“If you wont love me somebody else will”

I mean this for me AND I mean this for you  Don’t be afraid to lose love  because your the kind that love will find again too In the event that we don’t make it through don’t forget that  your worth is not measured by my failure to recognize truth but by the very fact  that love will chose you to be its carrier. Don’t let my inability  to keep you  turn into a barrier that sets you apart from the love you deserve. Don’t let me be the reason you don’t see your own self-worth. Because You would be loved again...

I hope I love you now so much that if we ever were to end your heart would be strong enough to mend again. To extend your hand to mend someone else’s heart. Because You deserve that kind of happiness.

Somebody else will love you  if i cant.

I promise.

If you won’t love me, somebody else will

Comfortable x Lil' Wayne feat. Babyface

*Priorities

I like it when he checks up on me. He asks me often if I’m doing alright. I usually reply that i’m fine But it gets me every time that he sacrifices his breath To find out. There is no doubt in his mind That I’m aligned with my own strength But he asks anyway at the slight chance that I might not be okay. 

He makes my well-being a priority every day.

-Annalissa

Kiss me

with simplicity; as if by second nature. Kiss me as if I were as routine to you as losing your keys or checking the mail. Let me know that I’m no longer something you have to reach for or try to do. Let me know that you and I are living our love.

- CarterThomasPoetry

Suspense...

We were both so eager.. We were like wildcats in bed He was a Tiger And I, a Lioness Both of us tossing turning biting eachother’s necks pinning each other down to the foundations of fucking cause like fuck it, 

i don’t want any love making right now

Competition had us grinning we were sprinting towards sinning because his demons play well with mine. Both wondering who would be the first to submit neither of us wanting to admit this time that we were cumming pretty close to giving in Both wondering at each turn Which one of us is going to win.

We were both fighters. He was a go getter and I was the provider. He always makes sure to bring home the meat and I always make sure to feed him something sweet to eat We both love the way I melt inside his mouth and how it makes me weak. the way this buffet stays open until he’s full and how I glisten on his cheeks..

He’s always got me staring.. . Right into those brown eyes at my own reflection .. .

Call me Conceited, but I like to watch him watch me be appeased by his hard...work.

Teasing my piercings and quickly making my lips sing- his tongue, working my body like clockwork.

Call me selfish, but i like it when he’s down there.. .

As he moves south and the hot air from his mouth makes me cringe I like to have him in my grips lightly grace his tip Competition so stiff that It always feels like it’s going to be a tight race

Suspense...

And on really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion.

Waking Life- Chapter 15

Evoking radiance

Hm? Pain? I do not bring pain, little dove, no~ I bring a challenge, trials, tests, yes But I do not deal in “pain”.

Pain is far from my currency. It may be a human byproduct of being tested and pushed, But it is not what I seek to impart.

I seek amelioration~ Betterment. I want to polish you, Push you past the limits you’ve set for yourself. My business is testing your soul and my currency? Your radiance.

When I am done with you, you will shine, My artificial sun project, hung, effortlessly, Eternally in a never cloudy sky.

I want you to be what rises upon my horizon when I wake, What sets when I sleep, my star. If when I push you it hurts and you call that dealing pain, Then maybe I do deal in pain, but I don’t seek to hurt you.

You are better than the trials I set.

You will never know unless you weather the ache.

Preamble set aside, now, dove, won’t you come and shine for me?

The Prophet x Khalil Gibran (page 13,14)

”Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."