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21 - Second Choice
There are things we love. There are things we like. And there are things that we tolerate.
Usually I was put in the third category. Ofen, I felt that people would not love or like to be around me. I wouldn't blame them. My lack of social skills and resting bitch face is less than ideal company. But in my opinion, others can be unbearable too.
Since I was a kid, I always had to prioritize others. What will the neighbours say, what will your teacher say, don't you want to help at all?
I always had to give up my joy and happiness. Guitar lessons? No, you can get them when you are older. A computer with internet access? No, you can go to the library. Colourful hair? No, people will think you are a drug addict. Can I go out? No, what do you need to go out for?
This didn't stop when I turned eighteen. Just saying.
But there was another feeling that creeped up on me when I was leaving Simon's flat. A feeling I had almost forgot. Second choice.
I was never considered to be beautiful. I was called ugly growing up all the time. Mostly due to an awful haircut I got when I was six and the bullying continuing for another nine years. I was never allowed to pick my hair until I was about twelve. But the damage was done. I never carried myself with confidence. I never was the first to speak to people. Hence, leading to a few friends that I had often not knowing a single detail about me, despite me knowing almost everything about them. Not even my mum knows my interests and wishes. She never asks and I never share.
Simon didn't know me that well either. But he tried. I was upset. Why didn't I ask if I could join them? Why did I think I wasn't good enough? Was I not worthy enough of spending my time with his mates?
Later that evening my phone rang and I refused to pick up.
I had university work to do.
Who cares.
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20 - Harm-Others
Books are ancient. The literature as an art is even older. Young people are mostly stupid and lack any artistic ability. I would know. I sat in class with them for six hours, two days a week. University as an institution represents intelligence and the desire for knowledge. But not the university I picked.
When you have limited options for higher education due to the lack of nepotism, you just need to settle for what is given to you. My local university had excellent young and educated professors and many useful resources, but lacked intelligent and enthusiastic students.
Most of my classmates barley attended the seminars, most of them smoked, vaped and drank like it was a sport. I attended all lectures, submitted every assignment on time and did my best to keep up. But still, I was unable to achieve higher score than a B.
This of course led me to a downward spiral on social media as I was desperately trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. My first solution was to do a hot-girl-walk. So I got dolled up like I was going to a fancy yoga studio, when in fact, I was strolling in my local shopping centre with a cheap iced coffee can from Poundland, wearing a cheap black Primark workout set. Slowly I ventured in posh shops, where everyone was white and british and they always made me feel like an imposter. What do you think you are doing here, you filthy broke foreigner? Where is your trust fund? Where is your daddies Rolls Royce?
Ignoring the intrusive thoughts I entered Waterstones and started looking through my favourite sections, however every time I picked up a book, it made me painfully aware of my situation. There was not a book in the entire shop that was under £10. £10 - that is groceries for a few days. That is two bottles of shampoo. A pair of leggings from Primark that will get worn off in a few months. My working class math mind was working overdrive. It made me angry. If i could, I'd have a library of my own. I'd invest in my own education and read all the books I wish. Instead of owning my own, carefully curated library I had to use the local public library that was pretty good, but not incredible.
Once again, pushing my intrusive thoughts aside, I ventured further into the expensive world of beautifully curated books and aesthetically pleasing yet equally expensive stationery. There I stumbled upon a small section of self-help books. Well, browsing couldn't hurt, right?
Very soon, I noticed a common pattern among the titles and content of the books available. All of them claimed that the problems and solutions are inside of ourselves. That all issues and challenges we encounter are solvable, but only if WE really try and if WE find a solution. Fuck this, I thought. I always tried to do everything right. I never got in trouble with the law, I never drank, did drugs or even smoked. I tried my best to succeed while not having a single day off a week and working in a job where everyone else was disrespectful to me, while I tried to help them. Where coworkers would not acknowledge me because I was always the youngest staff member. I tried to stay positive, despite my mother always having less and less interest in me, often leaving me to deal with my issues by myself, or worse, caused me emotional trauma just because I disagreed with her and then she would blame me for everything else in her life.
Fuck this.
As calmly as I could, I exited the bookstore.
On my way home, I decided to visit Simon. Entering his apartment building, I headed towards his flat. Thankfully, he gave me the combination to the main gate. Right before I knocked, I heard some voices inside the flat. Before I could cheez it, my gorgeous masked man has already opened the door. This time without a mask. "You okay?" I was almost too stunned to speak. "Yeah, yes...aha? You got company....?" Nodding his head and leaning on the doorframe he calmly answered: "Few of my mates are over to watch the game." Slightly craning my neck, I could see the same man from the shooting range. Soap, I think. And I recognised the second one with the fishing hat, except, this time he didn't wear any hat and didn't wear a military uniform. The third man seemed younger, but I've never seen him before. But I knew they were all military.
When they saw me, all three of them looked at me curiously. I felt judged, scared. Like a fly under a microscope. "Oh, shit, sorry...I didn't know. See you later then."
Before he could reply, I almost ran downstairs. However, right before he closed the door, I could hear the following: "Is yer lass joining?" Simons' sharp "Shut up Johnny" followed.
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19 - Great Expectations
Despite barely scraping enough UCAS points to get me to university and having the honor of being the first person in my family to go to university, I still felt like an absolute faliure.
It dawned on me that I will never be a doctor. I will never be anything I wanted as a kid. A rock star, fashion designer, actress... all of those were young girls wishes. Sometimes life happens and things don't go according to plan. Sometimes we lose people close to us but sometimes we meet people who change us for the better.
Still, I couldn't help but notice that my inner child often cried and mourned the person I could've been. If only I had both parents. Maybe then my mum wouldn't be so overworked and she could actually afford to send me to guitar lessons when I was younger. If only I had more money and an easier job. Maybe then I could afford to spend more time studying and actually get to the prestige course I wanted. If only I was pretty. Maybe then I wouldn't get bullied as a kid and I wouldn't carry all this emotional baggage with me.
This was hard for me to process. But I knew I couldn't share any of this with Simon. The man has seen horrors and death. What do I have that is worth mentioning?
My mum and I finally moved to our new, smaller and cheaper flat. It was modern and fairly spacious, but nonetheless it was a studio, meaning I wouldn't have my own room anymore. And I would have to share the bed with my mum. Again.
After unpacking what seemed like a bloody warehouse, I finally, FINALLY managed to decently organise everything. Despite knowing that mum WILL re organise everything when she returns from her two week placement, I was satisfied with my progress.
I looked at some of my empty sketchbooks and art supplies that I haven't touched in months, maybe over a year. Why did I stop?
I guess I got too exhausted and depressed about everything, that way didn't have any inspiration, let alone willpower to draw anything. Looking at the empty room that has become my habitat, I picked up my phone and invited Simon to a little "housewarming party".
-
An hour and a half later, Simon and I were already doing my favourite kind of yoga position: masked man bridge pose. Well, I was doing the bridge, he was doing the rest. Honestly, I had no idea how could he still have so much stamina.
"Simon, fucks sake, take it easy, this is a new bed." Replying with nothing but a smirk, he grabbed my butt and picked up the pace.
This went on for another hour, during which, I also took the lead sometimes and demonstrated what kind of fanfictions I have been reading as a teen.
After we were both kind of tired, we just laid on the bed, naked, embracing each other. Simon was kissing my cheeks and caressing my back. "You hungry, love?"
I couldn't help but smile at him. "A little, maybe. Just had the dessert." Giving me another kiss, he stood up, butt naked, and started going through my fridge. "Bloody hell, you ever have any food?"
"Sometimes, check the freezer, there may be a frozen pizza."
Thank fuck there was, or else we would have to go out and actually TALK to people.
It is my firm belief that frozen food, especially pizza is humanity's greatest achievement. After dinner, we both laid in the bed, touching each other and talking about our lives. Simon even told me a few funny stories from deployment. I was happy to see both sides of him. He was so much more than just a stoic lieutenant.
And then his very large friend demanded attention again. I was more than happy to give it. Whilst I was in the middle of a very passionate blowjob, I head EDM bass coming from the upstairs flat. I was surprised, since most of my neighbours were very quiet, reserved and peaceful. "You are so good at this, love. You wanna keep going?"
I nodded with my very full mouth and kept going. Then I had enough and pushed Simon back to the bed, took his mask and put it on me. This seemed to turn him on even more. Throwing him a condom, I waited patiently so he could put it on. When he was finished, I pounced on him and rode him like it was a competition.
But there was just one...tiny...tiny...problem. The fucking music wouldn't let me concentrate. In sheer frustration I took off his mask, got off of his hips and silently yelled in the pillow.
"I'm sorry, Simon, I can't focus. I fucking can't." With that he stood up and banged on the ceiling a few times. Nothing.
"You can report them to the landlord tomorrow. Wanna keep going'?"
With a facefull of sheer annoyance I nodded and spread my legs.
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Toxic Waste - 18
No, no, no, no.
I have thrown out the second Primark bag of old paperwork and school homework. I always found decluttering to be a very realxing and spiritual process. It’s like I’m cleaning my mind at the same time. I even listed clothes online for purchase. My mindprocess was this: get rid of all the clutter in my life before university and before moving in my new flat.
At the same time, I was on the phone with Simon. I thought that he was a little upset with me, since I haven’t spoken to him or visited him in a few days. “You know, if you wanted help, you could just ask.” Oh that would be a laugh.
“I’m sure you were busy, Simon, I didn’t want to bother you.” I could hear the frown in his voice. “I told you to call me whenever you need. I’m never bothered.” So I took initiative and asked something I never ask. “You wanna go jogging?”
In thirty minutes, Simon met me at the entrance of my block. I never knew that an SAS soldier wearing black running gear is something I needed in my life. The smirk on my face was a dead giveaway of what I thought about his outfit. In contrast, I was wearing an old pair of leggings and a stretched t shirt. I didn’t even have proper running shoes. He quickly took notice of my lack of proper gear.
“You going to run in that?” Flashing him a smile, I lightly kissed his cheek and nudged him. “Not everyone has the SAS paycheck honey. Now let’s go!”
Turns out asking a special forces operator for a run, is not the smartest idea. We didn’t even finish a mile, when I was already struggling to catch my breath. When we passed a mile, I thought I am going to collapse. “Si- I- can’t- go… help.”
And I collapsed like a sack of potatoes. “Really, love, we barley started. When was last time you went out for a run?” I panted and stood up slowly. “Am…never? But… I always see couples do it, so….thought it might be fun?”
He looked at me with gentle eyes and helped me back on my feet. Placing his hand on my chin, he made me look up and did something that threw me completely off guard.
Without any hesitation, he reached behind his head and took off his mask. In public. In a park. “Why would you put yourself in a compromising situation like this? Thought you were smarter than that.” I looked down, still panting heavily. “Just wanted to make an effort. My last so called ‘relationships’ would always consider me as an afterthought.”
Without wasting another moment, he leaned down, lifted me in his arms and kissed me. “You wanna run? Let’s run then.” He placed me back down and held my hand. “Think you can do it?” Slowly, I nodded and we started running, but slower.
It felt like I cleaned my body from the inside out. The way I cleaned my room, I cleaned my spirit. Simon didn’t consider me an afterthought and he has assured me he never will. Not in words, but in actions. The way our liver detoxes our blood, our mind has the ability to cleanse our life. And I decided my life is better with Simon in it.
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Metamorphosis- 17
metamorphoses -ˌsēz. 1. : change of physical form, structure, or substance.
There are times when it is acceptable to answer a phone notification and there are times when it isn’t. The most inappropriate time to answer an email though, is while you are on top of an SAS member, engaging in some serious physical activity.
Simons’ large hands were on my hips and he was guiding me and helping me keep my pace. I could feel him getting closer as he was twitching inside of me, but something else caught my attention. The top notification on my phone read congratulations. This could only mean one thing.
I jumped off of Simon, leaving him confused and frustrated, while scrambling to check my email. “For fucks sake love, what the hell is so important?” I ignored his question, pulled his mask up to his nose and kissed him. “I GOT INTO UNIVERSITY!”
The statement made him smile and he pulled me closer and started kissed kissing me until we were both out of breath. “Told you, lovie. You are going to make it.” I smiled and burried myself into his side. “Sorry for cockblocking you by the way.”
He didn’t reply. Instead he reached behind his head and pulled off his mask. I was too stunned to speak. He was handsome. The scars on his face told a story of all the horrors he has encountered in the service. “Wow…” I managed to breath out. “Hm, that bad, eh?”
“No, no, Simon, you are….beautiful.” He looked away and gripped my hip tighter. I knew he heard me, but I also understood that it might not be the easiest thing to hear, especially since he wore that mask around people so often.
I could feel myself being lifted by a pair of strong arms and being placed back on his lap. Leaning forward, I put my arms around his massive frame and kissed him. This time he was fully naked, not even a mask to conceal him in any way.
I blushed as he whispered in my ear: “How about a reward for being such a good girl, hm?”
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Jack Of All Trades - 16
If one wishes to attend university in the UK, one must go through a vigorous and pointless process.
You need an application, a cover letter, references… preferably mommy and daddy’s money. Needless to say I have neither. I don’t even have a dad. In this situation, really good A level results would save me. But that was the exact reason why I was crying profusely when I opened my A level results. E in biology, E in chemistry and a U in mathematics. Fuck.
“Simon the fuck am I gonna do now?” I sobbed through the phone. “I studied so hard and got rewarded with failure. No uni is gonna take me in!” Simon was patient. He didn’t say anything for a while and just let me vent my frustrations. “Love, take a deep breath and try to relax. I will pick you up in about fifteen minutes and we will go out.” Somehow he alway knew what to say. Perks of being with a slightly older man.
He was a man of his word. I couldn’t be bothered to dress up nicely. I settled for black biker shorts and a long black shirt. My face was still red and puffy from the devastating news. Without even saying hello to me, he handed me a banana milkshake, my favorite.
I sat down in the car and slowly started sipping my milkshake. Simon leaned towards me and gently kissed me on the cheek. “Love, it’s gonna be okay.” I gave him a small smile and mumbled a thank you. “Where are we going?” I asked as another tear dropped down my cheek. “You ever shot a gun before?” Say what now? “No…because guns are very illegal in this country and I don’t have a permit for it?”
This earned me a small chuckle. “True that, but by now, you know what I do for a living. It will be our little secret.”
And what a lovely secret is it going to be. It took a thirty minute drive in a comfortable silence until we arrived to a smaller, military looking base. Simon pulled our an ID and flashed it at the security guard at the main gate. A small nod and the door was opened.
The base was surrounded by forest and it was in quite the secluded area. It wasn’t two minutes until a man only slightly taller than me approached us. “Aye, Lt, nice to see you ‘here!” A small grunt came out of Simons’ mouth and he turned around. “Afternoon, MacTavish.” “Fancy seeing you here. And who are you, bonnie?” He turned towards me. This so called MacTavish was a Scottish man with a mohawk and beautiful blue eyes. He also made me nervous. What do I say? Who exactly am I? m
Simon almost possessively put his arm around my waist. “She’s with me.” This prompted a huge grin from the scotsman. “I see, you must be the reason for our Lt’s good mood.” I blushed like hell and shook his hand. “I’m Andy, nice to meet you.” His handshake was as enthusiastic as his smile. “Nice to meet ya bonnie, sergeant MacTavish at your service. You can call me Soap.” Soap? What the hell…?
The most I could manage was a small smile. With that Simon and I headed toward something that looked like an outdoor shooting range. “Give me a minute, love. Be right back.” And just like that, he left me in-front of the range. This made me even more nervous. I felt like an alien masquerading as a human. Anxiously I looked around and noticed a man in a fishing hat in the distance. He looked serious and radiated authority. I would hate to be on his bad side,
Very soon Simon returned, carrying a handgun and ammo.
This is going to be fun.
As I fired my third bullet, my mood was going up significantly. Simon noticed too and I could swear I saw him smile under that mask. By the sixth bullet I was grinning. I barley managed to hit the edges of the target, but I enjoyed it more than anything in my life.
Before I knew it, I ran out of ammo. “Having fun, love?” Excitedly I nodded and begged him to reload the gun. After giving me a firm hug, he kissed my cheek and showed me how to load the gun and explained some extra details about it. “What are you thinking about?” I smiled and shot the target a few more times, this time with slightly more accuracy. “My fucking former maths and chemistry teachers. They can rot in hell for all that I care.”
The statement earned me another chuckle. “You are one spiteful bird, you know that?” I smirked and looked him dead in the eye. “I believe in revenge. Some people deserve to suffer.” Gently he took the gun out of my hands and kissed my forehead. “This is how serial killers think. Don’t be like that lovie.” I smiled and hugged him. “I promise not to act up. Can I shoot more pretty pleaseeeee?”
After I emptied four rounds, we started talking and I told him more about my goals for the future. “I wanted to be a doctor so badly but because the people who are supposed to educate me were bad at their job, the whole thing fell apart.” We were sitting on the ground and he gently pulled my hips towards him. “Hey now, not everything is lost, You can still do other things. Did you even want to be a doctor or was it just the idea you liked?” It surprised me, but…he was right. I hated people, I hated my job. Why the hell would I commit my life to doing something that I hate? “Guess you’re right. I…kind of applied to some clearing courses at a local uni, I hope it goes through.”
Another kiss. “There you go. You are free now, you can do anything you want. And you can do a lot. You told me you can do hair, you speak many languages and you experienced shit many never do. Fuck your A levels.”
Now it was my turn to laugh.
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Landbastards - 15
Being alive is expensive. Being alive during a cost of living crisis is even more expensive. But the most expensive thing is being a foreigner in a country that charges you extra for not being born there.
"Motherfucker!" I exclaimed while doom scrolling through Rightmove. "£1200 per month, one bedroom, UNFURNISHED! No parking space either! Fucking arseholes!" My colorful profanity earned me a small chuckle from Simon. "Love, you need to calm down, you are making ME nervous."
I send him an equally nasty chuckle and threw a pillow at him. "Oh, thats easy for YOU to say, Mr. SAS, you actually have a place to live."
Both of us were in our underwear, laying on a very comfortable couch in Simons' flat. He was gently kissing my shoulder and his strong hand was stroking my neck. "Why don't you move in with me?"
The sentence every girl wants to hear from her beloved male admirer. If only it were that easy..."Simon, I live with my mom, what am I gonna do with her? Believe me, you wouldn't want to live with her."
Another deep chuckle rolled from his chest. "Oh c'mon lovie, she can't be all that bad."
Ladies, gentlemen and non-binary folk: MY MOM. A woman so scary she could convince you global warming is your fault. A woman so deep in conspiracy theories she beat me up for having some gummy candy because she is convinced they put harmful toxins in there that would kill me. A woman so assertive she could... "...interrogate terrorists? Really darling?" I spared him the details of my childhood.
"Yes, Lt. I mean it. You guys at the SAS could really use her."
Once again I wished my life would be a Sex and the city episode, where no matter how bad the shit was, everything always turns out fine. But my life wasn't a Sex and the city episode. I was in a secret relationship with a man that was seven years older than me and I was stuck living with a parent who didn't even bother to ask how my day was.
All thanks to land bastards who charge an arm and a leg for a barely habitable place to live.
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PCOS - Please Come Over Simon - 14
There are many things that we as humans can control. Our clothes, hair colour, makeup, the area we populate and what idiot we vote for on election day.
Unfortunately there are a lot more things that are completely out of our control, like the weather, the family we are born in and most importantly, our genetic makeup. Mine was absolute shit. Well, it was not the worst, but when you add some incompetent doctors to the mix, the cake, aka my health, eventually becomes shit.
I was recently diagnosed with PCOS, after many years of struggling to find a doctor that would finally have me tested. When I was finally told my diagnosis I wasn't scared. I was relieved. Relieved that the cramps, the bleeding, the uncontrollable weight gain were not all in my head and were not my doing. And I was finally getting treated for it.
But as it comes with every medical condition, there are side effects. My most noticeable one was weight gain. Although I have lost quite a bit of weight, I still struggled with my self image, especially when Simon saw me naked. I hated my stretch marks, the stupid extra body hair that constantly needed removing and of course the small pudge that was obvious when I was naked.
While I am in full support of body acceptance and loving ourselves, I couldn't help but feel disgusted everytime I looked in the mirror. Hence, I took a full advantage of the chemicals and beauty treatments in the cheapest drug stores I could find. Self tan, hair removal cream, razors, peroxide, face masks, hair treatments... you name it.
It was especially embarrassing when Simon found some of my stained towels. "Love, why are so many of your white towels brown?"
"Because I need extra bronzer to look extra pretty, now pick one that isn't stained or stay wet!"
That seemed to shut him up. For ten minutes at least.
After he was done drying himself off, he walked in my bedroom and gently threw himself on me. He was comforting, better than any weighted blanket. I loved that I could feel every single muscle, every inch of his scarred skin. "Just so you know, lovie, you are already pretty. Don't need any extra shit."
I grumbled in response. " That's easy for you to say. You are gorgeous." With an unusual gentleness he kissed my chest and worked his way down to my navel. His strong, big hands slid underneath me and roughly squeezed my butt. "Why do you have such low opinion on your appearance? Haven't I showed you exactly how I feel about you? Just how much I can't get enough of you?"
By now he was on top of me again, his face inches away from mine. I could feel his dick getting hard, but something in me wasn't feeling it.
"Look, Simon, I know it may sound stupid, but I was voted the ugliest girl in class for almost the entirety of my education, so forgive me for not having the best self-esteem." His eyes softened, he laid down next to me and pulled me closer, so that way I was on top of him.
"Kids can be cruel, but that was ages ago. Yes, I know it stays with you and damages you psychologically, but by saying you aren't pretty, you are giving them a victory. You are as spiteful as they come. Do you really want to let them win?"
He was right. FUCK HE WAS RIGHT.
This time I kissed him with such force that managed to take off guard even a strong man like him. "Thank you, lieutenant." By now, I still haven't seen his face, but I was certain it was beautiful. No man has a heart like that and an ugly face.
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Burgers and Bras - 13
Having someone over is a big deal. Especially if they are seeing your flat for the first time. It's like a magazine cover or a really good pair of shoes. Tells you all you need to know about a person.
That is precisely why I was speed cleaning the flat for the last eight minutes. I felt like I needed to make a good first impression. The flat I rented with my mom was about as old as Churchill. The hallway always smelled, the paint was cracked and for some reason no matter how much we cleaned and ventilated, mold was appearing in alll kinds of places.
After I was semi-satisfied with the clean, I needed to clean myself. I was about halfway done when I heard buzzing. Wearing nothing but a pink bra and black underwear I ran to the intercom.
"Yes?" please let it be him. "It's me, lovie."
I let him in and patiently waited at the door. When he finally reached my flat, I let him in. "Nice. You serving me dessert already?"
My cheeks flushed and I quickly tried to cover myself up with something, before Simon grabbed my shoulders.
"Don't you dare." he kissed me with so much passion and desire I was afraid I will get pregnant before he actually unzips his pants.
And in that moment, it happened. My stomach made the most ungodly noise I have ever heard. A more beautiful noise followed suit. A deep, joyful laugh, coming from an SAS lieutenant that was holding my waist. It was the first time I heard him laugh and it was one of the most beautiful melodies my ears have heard.
"Alright, when was the last time you ate?" gently, he kissed my cheek and I led him to my room. "Well...at your place?" Despite the mask, the look on his face was more than obvious. "That was...six hours ago! You can't treat yourself like this."
Not like I had much of a choice. "I don't know, Simon, maybe I like having you around, so you can be my knight in shining armour. Well...tactical gear." That remark earned me a smack on the ass.
We sat down on my bed and he handed me the McDonalds' bag. It made me so happy that he took my diet choices in consideration and got me plant based food only. I have never been happier to bite in a burger. Especially since Simon was very keen on licking off the sauce that dripped on my boobs.
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S.O.S. - 12
There is this phase at the beginning of every romantic relationship. It's when you want to say you're dating, but you don't want to be the person who says it first. It's kind of a limbo of relationships, no labels no full on commitment. Just shitty beer and great sex. Not necessarily in that order.
Simon was great. Great in bed and great at everything else. I firmly believed there was nothing this man couldn't conquer. I on the other hand had a daily existential crisis. This summer specifically I literally had NOTHING to do. Nothing. No homework, no projects, no next semester to prepare for. All I did so far was fuck and eat. I felt trapped. Like I was on a highway with no exits and no GPS, going 30mph, while everyone was racing past me to their destination. I decided I needed to do something.
"Simon, what must one do to join the SAS?" the handsome lieutenant raised his eyebrow at me as he emerged from the shower. It took all my willpower to not rip that towel off of him right then and there. He was already wearing his mask. I still haven't seen his face in full.
"Why are you askin', lovie? Want to join?" I slid on the edge of the comfortable bed and looked up at him. "Maybe."
"It's tough. Really tough. People die from trying. Don't do it." he turned around and took a fresh t-shirt out of the dresser. "But...you didn't die. And I'm pretty sure if I train hard I can get in."
Turning around and dropping the towel, he started to walk towards me. Still slightly wet, he was on full display. Every last inch of him. Gently he lift up my chin, forcing me to look him in the eyes. "Don't put yourself in unnecessary danger. You're too pretty to die."
This kind of annoyed me. Who did he think he was? Because I decided I'm not going to let him have all the power, I grabbed his delicious waist and blew him right on the spot.
The walk home was annoying. I wanted to classify our relationship but was too afraid that if I say something I'd ruin it. There was too much in my head. So I decluttered my desk. And my cosmetics. And my books. I ripped off the posters I had since high school, even organised my junk drawer. I was desperate for a new start. Something that would say: this is your purpose in this life, now do it.
Suddenly my phone buzzed. "Working late again, patient has improved. Take care of yourself, will call you tomorrow." - MOM
Great. It's just so fun to have a hospice nurse for a mom. I walked to the fridge and had a quick look inside. A tomato, a few carrots, some milk and one lonely egg. Just great.
My train of thoughts was interrupted by my phones ringtone. "Hello?"
"Evening, lovie." the butterflies in my stomach awakened. "Evening, lieutenant." I heard a small grunt on the other side. "None of that bollocks. What are you doing?"
"Intermittent fasting."
"What?" he did not sound amused. "Look, I have no food in the fridge and all the shops are closed by now. When stuff like that happens, I just put boujee words on it to make it seem like a choice."
.....nothing.
"Text me your address, I'm coming over."
And just like that, my fast was broken before it could properly begin.
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Tell Me Why - 11
Some people believe in God. Whether it may be the Christian one, Allah, Buddha, or any other supernatural entity. They all have one thing in common: they worship their god in their own way.
That afternoon my god became Simon. And I worshipped him good. On my knees, on my back, stomach, with my hands, tongue, or any of the holes mother nature gave me.
I enjoyed it and so did he. After that day, I began to see him almost every other day. Always his flat, always fucking around with my heels on. He said they make me look great.
"So what exactly is your plan here?" he asked. We were laying in his bed, completely naked. Right after a session of rough bedroom yoga.
My legs were tired and my jaw was a little sore from holding it so wide open. Simon was holding me and caressing my hair. I was telling him about my summer plans. "Well after I finished A levels, I suddenly have a criminal amount of free time, besides work of course. So I created a bucket list of all the things I want to achieve."
After a quiet grunt he proceeded to ask me: "And what exactly is on this bucket list of yours?" I blushed and buried my head in his chest. "Just...stuff. You'd think it's stupid anyways." I could feel his muscles tense. Grabbing my hair at the back of my head, he made me look at him. I had to silence down a moan. "What makes you say that?"
So there is the thing about age-gap relationships. Everyone says it doesn't matter, as long as it's legal. But behind closed doors everyone is judging the couple. For us, the age gap was seven years. I was 21, he was 28. Perfectly legal. But...I felt like a child compared to him. Sure, I had a job, education, knew how to pay bills, do taxes and everything a fully functioning member of society would need to know. Still, how in the hell could I compare to and SAS lieutenant? He has probably seen horrors beyond my imagination. How could I talk to him about stupid things like a show that I like or music I listen to?
"I just...don't want you to see me as a child." He let go of my hair and sat up, pulling me on his lap. "Listen close 'here love. You are more mature than most people I've met. I want to get to know you, because I...actually like you, compared to other people. So I want you to tell me every single detail 'bout yourself, no matter how small."
Gently, he pressed a kiss on my collarbone and squeezed my butt. "Okay...I just....didn't want to bore you with my life." This time he gave my butt a good smack.
"What did I just say? Nothing about you is boring." Playfully he lifted me up and gently threw me on the bed. "Look at you. Fuckin' beautiful."
After that I giggled and embraced him. "I want to fill out a full sketchbook, write more, workout, heal my hair, ... heal my heart."
He raised an eyebrow to that. "Who broke your heart, pretty girl?"
"Everyone"
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Social Concepts - 10
The pressure put on young people is extraordinary. If you sleep around with a lot of guys you are a slut, but if you remain a virgin you are considered a prude. There is this weird obsession men have with taking a woman's virginity. It's like a prey for them, a reward. Simon was not very excited to be a recipient of such an award.
"Listen, lovie, don't joke about this stuff with me. You being serious? You were a virgin?" I was afraid, pacing around the room, grabbing at my clothes. Currently looking for my second hoop earring.
"Oh shut the hell up already. You haven't taken anything from me. Virginity is nothing but some shit made by old men so they can guilt trip young girls. I'm 21. I'm well above legal age, we are both consenting adults, what the hell is your problem?!"
Simon, still fully naked, besides his mask of course, crossed his arms and started walking towards me. "Your first time should be special. It shouldn't be with some random stranger at the back of a car for fucks sake! Why haven't you said anything'?"
I had enough of him. Serves me right, I should've kept my stupid mouth shut. Why do I always ruin everything? "Because! I...I was happy that a man like you would even look in my direction, let alone find me attractive! I WAS HAPPY SOMEONE FOUND ME PRETTY ENOUGH TO FUCK!"
This pushed him over the edge. The big, scary masked man walked over to me and grabbed my shoulders. "The fuck are you talking about? What shit is going on in that head of yours. Any man would be happy to have a gorgeous girl like you. Are you fucking senile?"
There it was. The thing that pushed me over the edge. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I started sobbing. Hard. "I'm...I'm sorry for fucking it up, Simon. I'm so sorry."
I started shaking uncontrollably. Whatever made him mad was gone now. He gently hugged me and pulled me into his well built chest. "It's okay love. You haven't ruin anything. I'm sorry for getting worked up on it." His large hands started caressing my hair in hopes to calm me down. It worked. There was something about this man, this 6'4 man making me feel so safe. "Come 'ere." Pulling me closer and leading me towards the bed, he sat down and placed me in his lap. I was still very much naked, just like him.
"Look, you are a great girl. You are smart, kind, fuck, you figured out what I do without any clues from me...I don't want to ruin you. An amazing person like yourself deserves to be with a man who is better than me." The tears threatened to spill again. Carefully, I raised the mask up to his nose and kissed him.
"Don't say shit like that. You are a lieutenant. An SAS lieutenant. That's very admirable. I want you. Not some other bloke down the street, but YOU." He sighed and grabbed my butt, pulling me closer. "Fucking hell..."
"Don't try to deny it, Simon, your mouth say one thing, your body and dick say otherwise." Picking me up and playfully throwing me on the bed, he covered my chest with kisses, touching me wherever he could.
"Yeah, you're right. I do want you. I would be an idiot to let a woman like you go." That made me giggle. His calloused finger found the way between my legs and started working their magic. Soon I turned into a moaning mess. With one hand taking care of me downstairs, he had no problem providing equal attention to my chest. I loved every second of it.
"You are so fucking beautiful, you know that? Fuck..." It all became too much for me I came all over his hand. But...I didn't just came, oh no. He was so good, I squirted all over his hand.
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Does This Count as Cardio? - 9
Porn sucks. Porn companies are disgusting. Porn websites even more so. There is this "right of passage" that every boy goes through in his life, where he watches his very first explicit video. The internet is literally for everyone, so that way every teen boy can experience his fantasy.
Unfortunately porn is about as far from reality as you can get. I mean, The Lord of the Rings is more realistic. Most women do not like being beaten, violated or spit on. And there is no talk about condoms or any kinds of protection. Let alone consent.
While being with Simon though, it seemed like he had never seen a porn in his life. He was good. Like...scary good. He respected every one of my boundaries and understood the difference between pleasure and pain.
We were on his bed and Simon was on top of me. His head was buried in my neck, the mask still on his head and he was placing light kisses on my shoulder. The whole time he was holding my hands, our fingers interlocked. "Simon, please. Go slower, I feel like I'm being impaled."
"Sorry, love." He almost shyly replied and slowed down his pace. This felt oddly...intimate. Besides the fact that he was almost balls deep in me, it felt like...he actually cared about me.
This frightened me. I have only known this man for a few days and I could already feel myself getting attached to him. He made me feel safe.
"Eyes on me, lovie. Eyes on me." It was hard. Keeping an eye contact like this made me feel quite self-conscious. I bit my lip and tried to comply with the request as best as I could.
His breathing became heavier and I could feel myself coming close too. "Fuck, I don't think I can hold for much longer. You feelin' okay, sweet girl?"
Oh, it felt way more than okay.
As he kissed my collarbone I could feel myself unravel and the pleasure overtook my entire body. Simon took this as a sign to chase his own release.
The whole time, he kept the mask on. His pace quickened and he was gripping my thighs for dear life. Grabbing my ankle, he lifted my leg and placed it on his shoulder. His head tilted back and I could feel him twitch inside of me. With a deep groan he came and gently laid on top of me.
Slowly, he started to give my exposed chest extra attention and care. "Fucking hell. You are so beautiful."
Four small words. Just four small words and I felt like I was about to cry. A gorgeous man just had sex with me and he called me beautiful. I desperately tried to keep my cool.
He laid his well built body next to me and started caressing my hips. Another new territory. I genuinely had no idea how to react. "You okay?"
Shit, now I'm gonna have to talk about my feelings and stuff, huh?
"Yeah, I'm great. You sure do have a talent for fucking." ...the fuck was that? What the hell did this man do to me, in order for me to say stupid shit like this?
He stood up and took off the condom, throwing it in a bin. Then he headed to the bathroom, most likely to wash his hands. I could hear the water running. I didn't know whether I should put my clothes back on and go or stay. The water stopped and Simon returned, holding a damp towel.
Gently, he ran the towel between my thighs, removing any evidence of our...activities. When he was done, he laid next to me again and held me close against his bare body. I could feel every muscle and it felt like I was being embraced by a greek god. His entire body radiated power. I ran my fingers up and down his strong arms. I could feel every scar, every painful injury. My heart ached for him. It broke for a man who could be so gentle, yet take a life if those were his orders.
I could feel him playfully squeeze my butt. "You always this shy, little nurse?" I rolled my eyes at him and turned to face him. Playfully, I placed my leg on his hip. "You had me in like 3 different positions. You call that shy?"
Grabbing my hip and pulling me closer, he lift up his mask again and kissed me roughly. "Last time you were a lot more daring. The way you just blushed tells me that there is something on your mind."
Damn it again, why does he... "I'm not sure what you mean, sarge. I guess I was more excited last time? More confident maybe?"
He grabbed my chin and gently tilted my head, forcing me to look him in the eyes. "Actually I'm a lieutenant, my sweet. Why would you be more excited last time? Should we take another ride together?"
I desperately wanted to keep this for myself, but there was something about his eyes that prevented me from lying.
"Well...maybe because....because...it was my first time?"
It felt like the whole world stopped. Then after a minute or so, he sat up and asked: "You mean...I took your virginity?"
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To Shag or Not to Shag? - 8
The pasta was simple, yet delicious. We sat on the small balcony that had an amazing view. I could see the entire city. Of course, we spoke as well. Simon was a great listener. However, it did bother me a little that he wouldn't reveal much about himself. Sure, he told me that he likes football (Manchester United, naturally).
"You can't be serious, love. You've never seen a football match?" It was the truth. "....no? I mean I was never really introduced to it as a kid, so I was never interested." That was amusing to him. "Your dad didn't watch football then?"
Oh no! I have to talk about that piece of shit now?! Well...better sooner than later. "I don't have one." And I left it at that. Please don't be an asshole about it.
The man who calls himself my father left before I was even born. Never really had any interest in me. Not a single birthday card, phone call or visit. I find it odd, how single mothers get more stigmatised for being the parents who actually stayed and stepped up for the kid.
"I see. Sorry 'bout that." Thank fuck, please don't have follow up questions.
"Just you and your mum then?" Fuck. I flashed him a small smile and nodded. "Yeap. Just me and her." Please drop the goddamn subject now. I carefully avoided his gaze. "So tell me something, little nurse. You are 21 and you just finished A-levels? No uni and you already work in a hospital. Bit unusual." Shit.
"Well, I...took a gap year I guess. And I'm not a nurse. I'm nurses aide. You don't need to go to uni to be one." I could see him raise an eyebrow. "But if you only took a year, how-"
"Can we please drop the subject? I still don't know what you do for a living." Great job, dumbass. You just insulted the hottest man that ever laid eyes on you.
He picked up his glass of bourbon and smirked at me. "Guess."
"Say what now?" The nerve... "Guess, little nurse. You have three tries. If you get it, you get to feel even more amazing than the last time."
Oh hell yes, now this is my type of a quiz.
I nodded and stood up. "Where you going, love?" Turning around (making sure my butt was in a nice position, of course), I flashed him a smile and put my hands on my hips. "Look, you are offering one hell of a prize. I am looking for clues, because I hate to lose."
Think, woman, think.
Okay, we ruled out professional chef and anything else that makes less than £35 000 a year. What else is there? There is a gym. Maybe a personal trainer? Doesn't seem like the super social type though. He eats healthy and there is no processed shit in the kitchen. A doctor? Naaah? Too much. Well, he is fit. A surgeon maybe? He isn't a pilot, there is a dress code.
I walked back to him. "Say, Simon, how old are you exactly?" He leaned back in his chair. "28. Going to be 29 this year." Damn. He is way too young to be a surgeon making that kind of money. WHAT THE HELL?
That was when I noticed something underneath his shirt. Before I thought it was just a necklace, but now I can see there is more to it. Two small metal plates. Dog tags. Either he is wearing them as a fashion statement or....
"The army."
Simon stood up and walked towards me. I could feel the seriousness radiating from him. "What?"
I gulped and took a step back. And in that moment it hit me. I am in a man's flat. And said man is taller, stronger and scarier than me.
"What makes you say that, love?" I balled up my hands in fists and took another step back.
"Well, for starters you are very organised, tidy and hella fit. You make good money, but you aren't old enough to be a doctor, lawyer or a CEO. You don't come from money, so not a landlord or an office worker. You make at least £45k a year. The only place that I can think of is the army, but not the regular kind. You are either SAS or some kind of special forces. If you joined at 18, it would give you enough time to have a rank high enough to earn that kind of money."
He tilted his head and stared at me. "Damn it. You are...really clever, you know that?" I had no idea how to respond to that. "I mean, you got all that, just by observing me and the flat? I'm kind of scared, little nurse. You sure have potential."
Now that made me blush. "So, ghostie, you going to give me a wild night?"
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Pretty Little Liar - 7
I didn't know whether I should laugh or cry. Apparently Simon broke the second plate that day and doing it right after I arrived was a tad bit too much.
His home was nice. Clean and tidy with modern looking furniture. Almost minimalistic. Looking around I noticed he had newest electronics and even a small gym area with weights. His door had three security locks. What the hell does this guy do for a living?
So far there were no red flags in his flat. No playboy posters, hentai figurines or stiff looking socks. It all looked relatively tame. A small, yet very judgemental part of me thought that the place is almost devoid of any personality. There were no books, movies, artwork...even his clothes bore no logos or images.
"Getting comfortable 'there, are you?" I couldn't help but smile, almost shyly. That was a very unusual feeling for me, since I literally shagged the man a few days ago. "Nice place. You come from money or are you an honest, hard working man?" I could see him smirking under that balaclava. Oddly enough he still hasn't taken it off.
"Trust me, love, I don't have daddy's money if that's what you're askin." I sat down in a bar stool, behind the big kitchen island. "Tell me this, then. What exactly do you do for a living?" Please don't be a podcaster, please don't be a podcaster.
Lifting up the mask to his nose, he leaned down to me and gently kissed my head. "Easy there princess, that's a secret for another day." Now this made me blush. It felt oddly intimate. Something a husband would do to his wife.
Simon went behind the kitchen counter. "That smells great. What is it?" I peeked in his cupboards. Hmm, no pretentious or exotic ingredients, also no extensive appliances. So he isn't a high profile chef. "It's pasta with pesto. You don't eat meat, yeah?"
Blood froze in my veins. How the hell..."Yeah...and how exactly do you know that? I never mentioned it." Silently I picked up a small kitchen knife from the countertop and held it behind my back.
He covered the pot and turned to me. "Your lunch was labelled as plant-based when I picked you up from work." Oh. Right. "Yeah...I...you're right."
I blushed and tried to discreetly place back the knife. "Darlin' I'm not going to hurt you. You scared?" I looked down at my lap. "No, I'm really not, I just....didn't know what to expect. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to offend you." I shivered a little. The thing is, I actually did really like him and he made me feel safe.
Slowly, he walked up to me and hugged me. "Don't worry, luv. You're safe."
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To Date or Not to Date - 6
Staring at my phone, I kept pondering the same question: should I call him? It has been a few days since the shag of my life and I found myself very intrigued by the handsome man. How is it humanly possible that I am this attracted to a man whose face I haven't even seen?
Fuck, it. Beeeep. Beeeeep. "Ello?" Shit, now what? I stood frozen for a few seconds, before the second hello, laced with that Manchester accent threw me out of my trance. "Hi. Hello. Good morning." Nice one, dumbass.
"Who is this?" Oh damn it to hell. "Well I don't know, Simon, how many nurses have you slept with in the last few days?" Silence. And then a light chuckle. "Good morning to you too, love." He remembered me. "So, what are you up to, ghostie?" I playfully asked.
"Ghostie? Where did you pulled that 'one out of?" His voice was full of curiosity. "What can I say, you are like a friendly ghost. Very friendly." I heard an amused grunt on the other side of the line. "So, you busy today, Simon?"
After a short pause, we made plans. I will meet him at his apartment. I didn't think if it would be safe for me to tell him where exactly I live, so his flat was the next best thing. I mean, I shagged the man. Surely it would be safe, right?
Every once in a while, a woman utters the impossible sentence: I have nothing to wear. Despite having a wardrobe bursting with clothes. I had a slightly different problem, as I did not hoard clothes, however I had almost no sexy clothing to wear. So I settled for a nice pair of light jeans that hugged my hips nicely, a tight white t-shirt with a small Metallica logo, white platform heels and gold hoop earrings.
Growing up, I was always told that boys like "natural girls". I was never one to care. Outside of work (I can't be bothered at 6am) I cake my face in all kinds of makeup looks. Glancing at my makeup collection, I decided for a classic 90s glam look. If he doesn't like me with makeup, it's his loss.
After twirling in front of the mirror, I decided that there is no way back. I headed out the door and walked to the nearest bus stop. Is this a good idea? You don't even know him. My heart was beating against my ribcage. And it went Simon, Simon, Simon.
When I exited the bus, I was pleasantly surprised that his flat was in quite nice part of the city. Being a little unfamiliar with the streets, I looked around and started walking where all the big buildings were. Soon I found it.
23, 24, ....25! I rang the number 25 and waited for the answer. What do I even say? Hi, it's the two night stand? "Yeah?" I could recognise the rough voice anywhere. "Hey...its me."
Bzzzzzzt.
The door opened and I entered the lobby. It looked clean, tidy and overall quite expensive. I could only imagine what his flat looked like. The building even had elevators. Thankfully, it was labelled which flats are on which floor.
25. This was the number on the door. I was standing in front of it for a minute. What if he is a serial killer? What if he deals with human trafficking. What if he is a finance bro? What if he wears Crocs?
Finally I was about to knock when I heard a loud "Bloody fucking hell!"
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Slippery When Wet - 5
Sex is different in the movies. It is always perfect, aesthetic and somehow no ones mascara gets smudged. Sex in real life is messy. Sounds, positions and bodily fluids are everywhere. Even more so in the back of a black BMW, while you are doing it with someone you barely know.
I found myself in a few awkward positions. Top, bottom, sideways, on the drivers side, on the backseat... No matter the position he put me in, I always came. Oddly enough, we did it in under forty minutes. Yes, kids, sex is longer in real life too.
He was oddly tender with me afterwards. Even held me after our final time when I was bend over the backseat. Simon wore a black t-shirt under his hoodie. His arms were well built and he had a black and grey tattoo sleeve that depicted skulls and military symbols. That's as much as I saw of him. Well, besides his....
Speaking of his dick, it was something you normally only see in porn movies. Perfect, clean, with some nice veins...you know the works. But that wasn't the main reason why I liked it. I liked it because he took care of my needs too. I liked the way his hands gripped my thighs and the way he caressed my back. Despite the situation I didn't feel cheap or used like some men want you to believe. I felt empowered.
I fucked a handsome stranger in a car and I loved it.
"Thanks for the shag, Simon, but I really need to go back to work." I began to straightening my uniform, when he gently grabbed my chin and gave me a light kiss. "Welcome, love. I'm sure it was better than the applause from the people." Now that made me smirk. "That is true. Hope you enjoyed it too." He fixed up his pants and gave my bottom a light squeeze. "Get in the front, I'll give you a ride, yeah?"
Going back to work felt great, yet I felt angry at the same time. I just had mind blowing sex in the back of the car and I probably won't ever see this man ever again.
I placed my ID and phone on a desk in the break room and started to devour a sandwich. I had spent most of my break fucking, so I needed to make sure I at least consume some food. Collapsing on the shift was not an option. My landlords pocket ain't gonna fill itself.
"Who's Simon?" Char, one of my co workers, an actual nurse asked. My mind started to panic. Has she seen us doing it? He did park on the side of the common, where nobody ever went. Did she hear me shout his name a few times? Has she seen me screwing a guy in my work uniform?
I decided to play stupid. "Who?" I answered with a full mouth. She pointed to my ID, which had a piece of paper stuck on it.
There was a phone number written with black ink and a small signature. - Simon
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